


Letters to Laura

by karnsniehaus



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Slow Burn, Smut, writer!carmilla
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2019-10-09 02:53:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 104,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17398655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karnsniehaus/pseuds/karnsniehaus
Summary: Between the scars of an old relationship that still haunted Carmilla’s darkest dreams and her job as a romance-novel writer, she found herself in Laura’s path – a journalist from the local news. Laura’s favorite book was the one Carmilla wrote in the darkest time of her life, said book the one she swore would be the last thing she would ever write about love. But Laura wins Carmilla’s heart and they watch their relationship blossom beautifully – only to find out that love will have its sacrifices. Life happens, and when it does, wounds are open and hearts get broken, again. When Laura has to move to New York and leave the dark-haired girl behind, Carmilla started writing again, but this time they were letters. She had been sending the letters to Laura’s old and vacant house – she only did it because she knew the blonde wouldn’t read them anyways. Writing helped Carmilla cope, but would it do its job this time?





	1. I Hate to See Your Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, beautiful people! This story has a special place in my heart. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do.  
> The dynamic of this story is a little bit different from what we're all used to see, so bear with me for a while if you're a little bit lost at the beginning.  
> English is not my first language and, even though I had help of one of my dear friends Deena, it may have some grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. If you happen to find any, just let me know!

“Don’t forget me,” she says, their foreheads resting against each other’s and a single trail left by the tears that broke the barrier a few seconds before that. She couldn’t stand seeing her leaving, not after all they went through. Laura was leaving and there was nothing Carmilla could do about it or about the tight feeling in her chest, that sting that wouldn’t go away. She felt Laura’s gaze on her, but she didn’t dare look up because she knew that, if she did, she wouldn’t be able to let her go.

“I won’t remember anything else,” her voice came with a rasp, the knot on her throat blocking the way her voice was supposed to pass through. Her heart and her lungs were in a constant battle since the moment they met — for the last time. She hated leaving Carmilla behind and the feeling of hurting the dark-haired girl was the worst.

So, she ran.

The minute their foreheads lost contact, she closed her eyes so she couldn’t see the hurt written all over Carmilla’s face. She closed her eyes and ran away. She thought she heard her calling her name, but she didn’t look back. She couldn’t. She got into the taxi and told the driver to get the fastest route to her address and to, please, hurry.

But she couldn’t help. When the car took the nearest turn, she caught a glimpse of Carmilla, still sitting on their bench, her head on her hands and elbows resting painfully on the edge of her thighs. The small flowerbed seemed to be obscured by dead plants now. She lost sight of Carmilla and all those memories came burning into her mind. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry, not in front of the taxi driver, but it was just too much for her to handle.

 _I dare you to love me,_ she heard Carmilla’s voice from _that_ moment, the lily in hand and that beautiful smile she had on, the glow in her eyes wasn’t just because it was shiny outside. Laura knew that now. Carmilla have always loved her. Maybe not from day one or even day thirty, but she did. Even with all the things _she_ caused her. All the pain, the hiding and the questions if the feeling was mutual. Everything. And back then she didn’t know how to feel about it. But now Laura knew one thing for sure: she has always loved Carmilla too.

 _Ask me to stay_ , her fingers quickly typed on the screen, _beg me to stay._

_– I can’t do that, Laura. You need to go and live your life. I will be just fine._

If this was Laura’s chance to have a great career and a great life, then she needed to do it and Carmilla wouldn’t dare to stop her. What popped up on Carmilla’s phone screen broke her heart in a million pieces.

_What about me? Will I?_

After the taxi parked in front of her house and she waved a sad goodbye and murmured a “thank you” to the driver, she went inside and waited. She waited for eight minutes – the time it took for her to get to her house from the park. Enough time for Carmilla to get there and make her stay, but she wasn’t coming.

Everything around reminded her of Carmilla. The bookshelf with her favorite book and its two copies (where laid three of them before), the one she bought and the one Carmilla gave her with her signature and the little note, the one that still made Laura’s stomach churn, in it. Those little polaroids she had hung on the wall, portraits of them that brought out the best in her. Portraits that were always the solution on her sad days – she would just look up at them and feel the warmth of Carmilla’s body resting against hers, laying on that white couch, that now had a little purple stain from when Carmilla dropped her wine. God, even the center table had been picked with her help.

She thanked all the Gods that she was a desperate person and had left her bags ready in the living room because there was no way in here or Earth that she was coming back to her bedroom because she was sure that _her_ perfume was still lingering in the air and she could not stand that. Everything around smelled like her and more.

She took a last look around, just to make sure everything was in place. Just to memorize the image for the last time, one that had Carmilla in every inch. She felt her heart getting heavy in her chest and not even the deep breaths were helping. She had to go. If she didn’t hurry, she would miss her flight. Suitcase in hand, she closed the door and heard the lock as it turned one last time.

* * *

Perry took a deep breath when she heard the loud bang coming from the front door. Carmilla’s heavy steps echoed through the silence that was there before. She knew it would be hard when the time came for Laura to leave and she herself wasn’t sure if she was ready to see Carmilla miserable – more than she already was since she received the call. They’ve known each other for ten years and she had never seen Carmilla love someone the same way she loved Laura. At least not since Ell. The girl that broke Carmilla’s heart so deeply she thought she would never be able to love someone again. Until Laura came.

Another loud bang, this time coming from the door to Carmilla’s bedroom.

Perry’s eyes shot to the shelf on the wall, over the grey couch in the living room, spotting her collection of books and Carmilla’s very own, _The Scars She Gave Me._ It was Perry’s favorite book and not only just because Carmilla wrote it, no. The story was so deep and personal it was almost painful, but so, _so_ beautiful.

It was the last press session of the day and Carmilla was exhausted. She loved seeing so many familiar faces, all of them excited about her new book, and also the new ones, telling her how good her book was and how they somehow connected to the story and the characters. Carmilla loved the reactions and she did not expect it to this extent at all. Writing was her passion, so she simply put her own story in the paper and people liked it. Don’t get her wrong, she loved that they did, but it was too much. She saw how people got hopeful and invested, waiting for a new book, to give the first one some closure, some hope. Carmilla couldn’t. How could she write about love again when she lost her biggest motivation?

“I’m done, Per.” Carmilla waved goodbye to the last couple who came to the autograph table, keeping that happy smile she had learned to fake so well on her face the entire time.

“Yes, dear, I know. You signed them all.” Perry said, a little confusion in her tone.

“No, I mean writing. I’m done writing about love and happily ever afters. Those things don’t exist. Maybe not even love.”

Perry looked up from the bag in front of her as she finished packing her things, seeing the defeat and the exhaustion in Carmilla’s eyes – the same eyes which had deep, dark circles under them.

“Carmilla—” Perry tried to speak, but was cut off.

“No, Perry. I’m done. I finished the book and I’m happy with that one being the last. I may write again, who knows?” She shrugged, grabbing her own leather backpack forcefully from the couch and throwing it on her shoulder. “Love was the only thing I ever knew how to write about. If I don’t have that, if I’m unable to _feel_ that, then I guess my writing career is coming to an end.”

Perry didn’t argue. It was pointless at this point to do so with Carmilla so sleep deprived from trying to recover from the breakup and also the all the press meetings she was doing. She wasn’t sure if Carmilla meant it, though. Sometimes she could say things she didn’t want to when she was stressed or under a lot of pressure, but seeing Carmilla right now and considering all the latest events, she might have meant it.

“Can we go?” Her voice came out softly, almost like if she was begging to just disappear so she could feel better.

Carmilla was mentally worn out and it showed. Perry hated seeing her best friend like that and she wished she could take it all away with her bare hands because nothing else seemed to work. She nodded gently, wrapping an arm around her neck and leaving a kiss on her forehead.

Carmilla hadn’t written since her last book. A year.

The same girl who couldn’t go a day without writing even the smallest of the notes hadn’t wrote a thing in a year and now that Laura was gone, Perry wasn’t so sure if she’ll see Carmilla writing again any time soon.

Perry opened the door after three knocks. Carmilla didn’t even move, keeping her face buried in her pillow, arms crossed under it and her shaky breathing followed by small hiccups. The ginger sat on the edge of the bed, next to Carmilla, and touched her back gently with her fingertips. The dark-haired girl wasn’t the kind of person who liked physical contact much and Perry was aware of that, but today, especially, she didn’t seem to mind.

“What can I do?” Perry said softly, trying not to alarm the girl. Another hiccup.

“Bring her back. Let me tell her that I love her.” Carmilla’s voice came in a whisper, the huge knot on her throat physically hurting her.

“She knows, Carm.” Perry affirmed and Carmilla’s cry came again with a sob. “She knows.”

Carmilla sat up on her bed, her eyes were swollen and red, just like the tip of her nose. Legs crossed, she found a loose fiber on her blanket and started playing with it, trying to avoid Perry’s gaze.

“Then why did she leave? I know it’s selfish to say that and I really want her to have the greatest of the careers, but it just hurts so much.” She tried so hard not to sob again, but it seemed to be the only way her body knew how to react. She wanted to scream, but she didn’t have the strength to.

“If she could she would’ve stayed, Carm.” Perry said quietly as her hand rubbed Carmilla’s back up and down.

Carmilla nodded. She knew that. She knew that Laura didn’t have a choice. Her job at the Silas News wasn’t great and Laura is a great journalist. Greater than that stupid job that didn’t pay her enough. Greater than the way her boss treated her for years. She had the chance of her life and she took it. It wasn’t selfish. She needed to do it. Carmilla knew it. But, still, watching her leave was as painful as a thousand needles in her heart.

“What can I do?” Perry asked again and for the first time in a long time she saw in Carmilla’s eyes the need to be comforted.

The tough, rock-n-roll guard was down and she saw nothing but raw, vulnerable Carmilla that so desperately needed her best friend. Without thinking twice, Perry pulled Carmilla in for a hug. When she did so, she felt all of her muscles relaxing as the sobs came harder. She knew it wasn’t her embrace Carmilla needed, but it seemed to do nothing but good.

Carmilla laid her head down on Perry’s lap as she started to calm herself down. The sobs weren’t as strong anymore and the hiccups seemed to have stopped. Perry’s hands were running through her hair, trying to give her some comfort and it was doing its job. Perry doesn’t know exactly how it happened, but Carmilla fell asleep and she thanked all the Gods out there because Carmilla could finally rest, even if it was just for a little bit.

* * *

Laura kept staring at the giant digital board in front of her. Her flight was late. She wanted to look around and search for Carmilla so bad, but she couldn’t. She knew it wasn’t just like the movies. Carmilla wouldn’t show up thirty seconds before her flight and tell her she loved her, lift her up in the air and kiss her. She wouldn’t come and beg her to stay with her. Laura wanted Carmilla to do that, but she knew the dark-haired girl wouldn’t do it. She knew she had hurt Carmilla in the process of leaving.

_Not only this time._

She lit up her phone screen for the hundredth time, but the name she hoped to see amongst all of the notifications wasn’t there. Her voicemail was filled with messages from Danny and Kirsch and there were, at least, nineteen messages from LaFontaine, but she wasn’t in the mood to talk to any of them.

All Laura could focus on was how she regretted not kissing her one last time. All the handholding. Not saying she loved her. Sometimes she wished she hadn’t taken the job. Of course, being a small local news, the money wasn’t that much and she couldn’t write half of the articles she’d like to, but at least it was there. It was close to her home. To her heart. _To Carmilla._ Her sadness quickly turned into anger. Anger for hurting Carmilla. For even being capable of such thing.

_You’re a fucking joke, Laura. That’s what you are._

Her phone rang and she knew she’d have to take it sooner or later. Laura took a deep breath before she slid her finger on the screen.

 _“Finally! Are you at the airport yet?”_ LaFontaine’s voice came with all its force and, odd as it sounded, Laura was so happy to hear them.

“Yes, I am. Just waiting for the lady to call out my flight’s number.” She tried to disguise how she was feeling, but she knew better. LaFontaine was the only person she could _not_ hide from.

_“Frosh…”_

“I’ll be okay, LaF.” She bit her bottom lip trying so hard not to cry because she knew if she started again, it’d be hard to stop. “I need to.”

 _“How did it go? Did you tell her?”_ There it was _._ Laura’s breath was shaky and she counted to ten two times before she dared to even open her mouth. _Fuck._

“No.”

_“No? What do you mean, no? Laura…”_

“I know, LaF, I know. I wanted to. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs how much I fucking love her but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t say I love her and leave her like that.”

The line went mute for a couple of seconds. LaFontaine’s sigh was perfectly audible and Laura knew she had fucked up. She had fucked up so bad.

_“I’m sure she knows, Laur.”_

She heard the attendant calling all passengers for flight number 136 to direct themselves to gate 4. That was it. That was her flight and there was no going back now.

“Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you when I get to New York. Or text you. Please, tell Danny and Kirsch I’ll get back to them soon.”

_“Will do. Safe travel, Frosh. Tell me how’s the big city.”_

“Entirely too big.” That she knew beforehand. With a sigh, she finished the call.

Two suitcases in hand, she passed through all the other happy people, trying to avoid all the couples meeting for the first time, or saying goodbye, because, God, that hurt even more. With her head down, she rushed her steps until she was inside the airplane and found her seat. _I didn’t think it through when I choose the window one,_ she thought and cursed mentally.

Fifteen minutes later and the voice of the flight attendant echoing through the low-quality speakers. Phone in hands, earphones plugged in, Frank Sinatra playing at maximum volume and the sight of the city getting smaller and smaller as the plane went up in the air.

* * *

The cold breeze came whispering through Carmilla’s window, blowing her white curtains gently. She kept her gaze stuck on the sky, the darkness and immensity of it, along with every tiny white dot, bringing her comfort. It was almost three in the morning and the dark-haired girl couldn’t sleep. She tried humming songs, reading a book and even counting jumping, white sheep in a green field. None of that worked and she was starting to get a little annoyed when she decided to sit on her chair and just watch the night fade away, the same thoughts, the same conversation repeating itself over and over again in her head.

She saw Laura coming with two mugs, steam coming out of them, in her pajamas and the cutest messy bun. Laura had called Carmilla earlier that day and asked her to come to her house to watch a movie and just be together, honestly.

“Carm, I need to talk to you.” Laura sat down next to Carmilla and handed her the blue, ceramic mug. Carmilla moved her leg so Laura could sit more comfortably. “Careful, it’s hot.”

“Thank you, cutie.” Carmilla answered and then took a sip of the sweet hot chocolate. She hummed in pleasure as Laura watched her, taking a sip from her own mug, her heart in her chest heavy knowing what it was to come. “What is it?”

“I got a job offer.” She spilled it out quickly, like a band-aid. She watched Carmilla’s face change completely and it was nothing but happiness and pride. Laura didn’t blink. Even though seeing Carmilla smiling made the corner of her lips pull up involuntarily, she didn’t. She couldn’t.

“Seriously? Where is it?” She was nothing but excited and Laura wanted so desperately to cry. The smile on Carmilla’s face couldn’t lie.

“New York. At _The New York Times._ ”

There it was. The words she knew would break Carmilla’s heart and she could almost hear the shattering sounds. Laura’s heart was beating forcefully against her sternum and it was almost painful. The tip of her fingers was cold and if she wasn’t already sitting down, she’d probably lose the strength on her legs as well.

Carmilla’s face broke in a matter of seconds. She turned from the brightest human being in the room to something so vulnerable and lost that it hurt Laura to see and to be the cause of it. Carmilla hadn’t felt that sting in her chest since _her._ She had forgotten how was it like to feel every inch of your skin burning and feeling so hopeless that you just don’t know what to do.

The silence that fell between them was extremely uncomfortable. Carmilla had been staring at her own lap, the steam no longer coming out from the cold mug in her hands, holding back those tears she didn’t even know she was capable of shedding again for someone.

“When do you leave?” Carmilla’s voice broke. Laura wiped a tear away.

It was all Carmilla had to say. She didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t ease it for neither of them. It was the fucking _The New York Times._ It was a chance of a lifetime. To go from a little local newspaper that barely paid her enough to work for one of the biggest newspapers in the USA was something you don’t get the chance to have on a daily basis. Carmilla was so proud of Laura because, honestly, she deserved nothing less than that. She was an extraordinary journalist and an even better writer. The local Silas News wasn’t big enough for her.

“In a week. They sent me an e-mail a month ago. I gave them my final answer yesterday.” Laura was devastated. Seeing Carmilla like that shook every emotion she had.

“Okay.” Carmilla answered, her voice coming out clean again.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Carmilla said again, softly. She didn’t want Laura to see how broken she was inside.

“Are you mad?” Laura asked as she played with her knuckles on her lap, holding ever so tightly on the mug handle. She looked up and met Carmilla’s dark eyes and, for the first time, she couldn’t decipher what they were showing her.

“Laura, of course not. This is huge and I’m so, _so_ proud of you.” Carmilla put her mug on Laura’s brand-new center table before she raised her hand and tucked a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear, stroking her cheek with her thumb gently.

“If you don’t want me to go, I—”

“Laura, stop. You’re not letting this opportunity pass because of me, no matter how much I l-, how much you want me to ask you to stay. I want you to go, Laura. This is huge. This is _your_ career. It’s your future.”

“You don’t want me to stay?” Laura sounded hurt. The pain in her voice as clear as a day. Carmilla sighed and ran her fingers through her own hair.

“That’s not what I’m saying, at all.” Carmilla stared deeply into Laura’s eyes. You could see the barrier of unshed tears just waiting to break the surface and roll down her cheeks, but she was trying hard to not do it. Nothing that Carmilla could say at that moment would be enough. It was so fucking hard for her, but Laura was the one hurting the most.

“I hurt you once and I don’t want to do it again.” Her voice came in a whisper and Carmilla’s heart fell. She pulled Laura in for a hug, where Laura allowed herself to feel all of those messy feelings, all knotted together in a ball deep inside of her.

 _You could never, Laura Hollis. You could never,_ Carmilla thought as Laura sunk in further on her chest, the sound of Carmilla’s beating heart calming the hazel-haired girl as Carmilla tried to keep it together.

That night, she cried herself to sleep.

That night, ten days ago, she tried to keep Laura away from her thoughts. She tried not to think much about her leaving, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to get through the week. She promised herself she wouldn’t go with Laura to the airport because she wouldn’t be able to handle all the pain, if she was alone or not. To see Laura walking through that gate, all her clothes divided in suitcases, all of her just going away. Her perfume lingering just the slightest in the air before disappearing completely, just like her as soon as those gates close and she flies away to conquer her biggest dream. Laura didn’t seem to mind because she didn’t ask for it either. Maybe the thought of having to make Carmilla watch her go was too much, even for her. _Especially_ for her.

Quickly and not even bothering if her blood pressure would drop or not, Carmilla stood up and walked to her window seat, the cushions under the open window too cold to the touch now. Notepad and black pen in hands, Carmilla started tracing lines to the letters on the paper, her shaky hands not sure where they were going and the words just slipping through her fingers. She promised herself she would never write about love ever again. At that time in her life, she didn’t have a reason to do so. Now she did. _Used to._

Carmilla didn’t notice, her attention fully and completely on the blank pages in front of her, but Perry’s silhouette popped up, even in the dark, resting against the doorframe with half a smile on her face, slightly lit up by the moonlight. After a few seconds, she left. She knew better than to bother Carmilla when she was writing and, oh, my God, how she missed it.

* * *

Laura couldn’t help the small smile that insisted to grow when she stepped out of the airplane, feeling the cold breeze hitting her cheeks. It was just an airport that looked like every other airport in Canada, but this one was one step closer to her biggest dream coming true. Two hours of flying above the clouds weren’t quite enough for her to rest properly or to give her heart a break from the thought of leaving Carmilla, hurting, behind, but enough to ease the psychological exhaustion she was feeling.

As soon as she crossed the exit door, she flagged down to a taxi that was, luckily, just passing by. When it pulled over, Laura felt a cold sensation at the tip of the stomach. The driver helped her with her luggage as she got into the car, taking out from her carry-on a folded piece of paper.

“I would like to go to this address, please.” She handed him the paper with her new address because she couldn’t memorize it even if her life depended on it. Maybe it was the fact that she was paying 3k a month for a one-bedroom apartment, which she thought was crazy. But now the damage was done and she could handle the paper just fine for the first couple of weeks.

As it showed on the driver’s GPS, they still had some miles to run, so she decided to call LaFontaine and let them know she had gotten there alive and well. Her first instinct was to stop searching for “L” in her contacts and stop at “C”. Something inside her begged her not to do it, to just give her some time. At least for now.

“ _Frosh!_ ” Laura heard them saying and they seemed to be super excited about getting her call.

“I swear to God if you start singing any song that has ‘New York’ in the lyrics I’m going to hang up on you.” Laura warned, muffling a giggle after. If she knew her friend, they already had at least five songs ready up their sleeve.

“ _You’re no fun_.” They complained. “ _I even got Danny to play the piano in the background_.”

“ _The. Piano!_ ” Laura heard Danny screaming from a distance, her voice muffled and almost unclear.

“Oh, no. The piano. The nerve.” She mocked, hearing a heavy, forced sigh coming from Danny.

“ _Are you home yet? How is it? Is it big with annoying neighbors? Or famous neighbors? Oh, my God, you could be living next door to Sarah Jessica Parker._ ”

“Ok, calm down. First of all, I wouldn’t call it home.” _Home is where your heart is at and this is definitely not where it is._ “Secondly, I’m on my way. Thirdly and, thankfully, last, no, I’m pretty sure I’m not neighbors with Sarah Jessica Parker.”

“ _Dang it_.”

“But if I happen to be, I’ll text you the pictures.”

“ _You better_.”

The line went mute for a second.

“You think I should call her?”

“ _Laura…_ ”

“Just to let her know I’m okay.”

“ _But are you, though?”_ The line fell flat. LaFontaine was right. It was stupid of her to call Carmilla and say _hey, I just landed and the city is beautiful and I’m totally okay, don’t worry about that_ when she knew that a) it was a lie; she wasn’t okay and the city wasn’t that beautiful anyways, not without her and b) Carmilla was suffering enough. “ _That’s what I thought. Look, Laur, go home, take a shower and rest for today. You deserve it. And if you think you should call her, do it. But you’re not the only one that’s hurting in this process. I think she deserves a break, too_.”

_She does. She deserves a break to recover from all the damage Hurricane Laura caused her._

“I know, LaF. You’re right. Maybe tomorrow.”

“ _Maybe_.”

Laura recognized the neighborhood and saw her newest place right around the corner.

“LaF, I just got to the place. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“ _Sure, Frosh. Take care, you hear me?_ ”

“Ay, ay, captain. Thank you.”

“ _Anytime, Laur_.”

After paying the taxi driver for the ride and getting her suitcases from the car’s trunk, she stood in front of the building like a lost child.

_This is it, Laura. You just girl the here up and get into that building._

So, she did.

Brand-new keys in hands, she twisted the key in the lock and unlocked the door open. Everything looking just like when she first went to New York to sign the contract on the house and do a check-up on its condition. She came in, put her luggage in a corner, turned on the light. She knew it was her place, but something was missing. Even though it was all decorated with the things she’d bought to the new place, something wasn’t right.

And as soon as she sat on the couch she knew. The smell of wooden furniture was the one that hit her nostrils. Wooden furniture.

Not Carmilla’s.

* * *

The smell of freshly baked banana muffins hit Carmilla’s nostrils as she walked out of her bedroom. One of Carmilla’s favorite things about sharing an apartment with Perry was definitely the fairy hands she had when it came to cooking. Leather jacket on, black backpack hanging on her shoulder, she entered the kitchen and smiled softly to Perry, the dark circles under her eyes were a little more noticeable now, since she’d had only four hours of sleep last night

“It’s 9AM.” She said, a little confused to see Carmilla when she stepped into the kitchen, the creature of the night, up so early.

“I know.” Carmilla chuckled.

“It’s nine in the morning. On a Wednesday.” Perry repeated, joking. Carmilla hit her arm playfully before she grabbed a muffin from the counter.

“I need to go downtown and it has to be now. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Are you okay?” Perry asked as gently as she could. _No, I’m not and I’m not sure when I’m going to be,_ is what Carmilla wanted to answer, but she just smiled softly at her and nodded.

“Yeah, a little bit.”

“Good.” Perry smiled back and waved Carmilla goodbye as she watched the dark-haired girl closing the door behind her.

Each step made Carmilla’s heart race like crazy inside her chest Her mind was constantly trying to convince her that that was not a good idea, but she didn’t seem to care. It was a minute of courage and it was all she needed.

_This is stupid. Why am I doing this in the first place? This. Is. Stupid. God, just go back home, Carmilla._

“Hello, how can I help you today?”

“Hi, I’d like to mail this.” Carmilla handed the woman at the mail office a folded piece of paper inside a homemade envelope. After some typing and mouse clicks, the lady took the paper and inserted it in another envelope and stuck a stamp on it.

_Stop this madness, Carmilla. Get your shirt together._

“And to which address is this being mailed?”

“This one, please.” Carmilla slid her a folded piece of paper.

After the proper info was added to the envelope, the lady gave Carmilla back the piece of paper. Carmilla paid for the service and smiled gently at her.

“Thank you.” She thanked her before she left.

And now that it was done Carmilla wished she hadn’t done it. She stared at the paper in her hands, that said _Confirmation: mail delivery to Laura Hollis._

Laura was in New York. What was the point of mailing her a letter to her, now, empty house? What was the point of writing it to her if she wasn’t going to read it anyways? She shall wait and see. Whatever happens, happens.


	2. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla writes Laura a letter; back to when Laura and Carmilla met for the first time. And a little bit of Perry being the mom in the group, as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys!  
> I'd like to let you all know that I'll be updating the fanfic weekly (every Saturday), but I wanted to post this one earlier because it's important. Here you have the first letter and they'll always be written in first person and italics, Carmilla's POV. You'll understand better when it comes and you'll easily recognize when it does.

With her third cup of coffee in hands, Laura watched the minutes clock by so quickly. She had woken up two hours earlier to be able to do everything she needed to in time. She couldn’t be late to her first day at her new job and she liked to be prepared for eventualities.

Backpack ready, clothes in order and with zero coffee stains so far, all she had to do now was brush her teeth and take a taxi to get there. She glanced at the clock and she had thirty minutes to do it all.

Walking towards her bedroom, she spotted her phone laying on the table next to her bed. She stopped for a second, trying to decide if she should check it first or just get ready without any distractions.

_If she hasn’t texted you already, she won’t._

She shook her head lightly before ignoring the phone on the table, going to the bathroom, hoping that she’d find her name written on her phone screen when she comes back.

As she stepped into her bathroom, she saw her reflection on the mirror and saw the dark circles under her eyes. She thought she’d had a good night of sleep last night, but turns out it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t going to lie, it took her forever to finally be able to sleep without her mind going a thousand miles per hour, her thoughts back in Toronto, _on someone._

Already in the taxi, on her way to the new job, her stomach churned and she thought she was going to throw up. She had met her boss and some of her co-workers before, but this time was obviously different. Laura tried to keep her mind on all the work she needed to get done if she wanted to keep this job for as long as possible and how important this was for her career, but it was being hard. LaFontaine had called her minutes before she left, saying all of those encouraging words they knew she needed to hear and it was really comforting. But the one person she wanted to call, didn’t.

_Just let it go, Laura. She won’t call you anytime soon and you know it. Just give her time._

When Laura stepped out of the car, she stared at the enormous building in front of her, people passing by in a hurry with all the _excuse me_ ’s and _I’m sorry’_ s. She inhaled deeply three times before she had the courage to step in.

“Hello, I’m Laur—”

“You’re Laura Hollis.” She was greeted by an older man in a dark blue suit. The yellow smile appeared quickly, his hand meeting her shoulder in a gentle, light touch. He gesticulated forward, showing her the place as they walked further inside. “We’re happy to have you here. As you can see, we don’t have much time to do meets and greets with everyone, I hope you don’t mind. I believe you’ve already been shown how things work here beforehand.”

“I don’t mind at all and yes, I have.” She smiled gently, looking around and trying to understand the dynamic of the place. Some people on the phone scheduling meetings and exclusive interviews, others typing ferociously on their computers, some scratching sounds coming from pens running too fast on the thin paper on the table. Voices. A group of people with bags on their shoulders walking towards them. “Where will I be working?” 

Laura watched the man waving at the group of people. They stopped and waited for them to get closer.

“Brandon, this is Laura Hollis. She’s just joined the team and I’d like her to go to the interview as well. I have some paperwork to do by noon, so welcome to our team. I’ll see you later.” He walked away towards a distant hall and disappeared when he turned left.

“Nice to meet you, Laura.” A tall man, redheaded and eyes clear as the blue sky, held his hand up and grabbed Laura’s in a polite handshake. “We need to get going. This interview is important. You’ll meet the rest of the people on our way there.”

“Uh, okay. Nice to meet you, too. Where are we going?”

“J.K Rowling just published a new book, so that’s where we’re going.”

_Just like when Carmilla published hers. The new girl interviews the author. Great. Exactly what I needed today._

_At least I have some questions ready on my repertoire._

“Amazing.” She faked a smile and followed them outside the building, where a black car waited for them.

* * *

When Laura finally stepped out of her shoes and felt the cold floor against her feet soles, she sighed in pleasure. Her entire body was exhausted and she wasn’t sure how she was still standing after an entire day of running around the city – literally. She threw her body on her bed, hearing her stomach growl a few seconds after.

_When was the last time I ate? Did I even eat anything today?_

She searched for her phone around to check what time it was, but it was in her backpack. She groaned before she got up, looking for the bag she’d dropped somewhere in the room.

When she lit up her phone screen a smile grew involuntarily on her face. Her heart seemed to be racing inside her chest and she felt the butterflies coming alive again.

**_Carmilla (6:38PM): I hope everything went well today, cupcake. Don’t stress, you’re going to be great because you ARE great. You’re exactly where you need to be right now. I’m immensely proud of you._ **

Laura watched her fingers trembling on her phone, her hands shaking and sweating like a teenager. She read the text over and over and over until she had almost memorized all of the words and the exact punctuation.

_I miss you._

She typed and quickly erased it all.

**_Laura (8:19PM): Thank you, Carm. It means a lot._ **

She didn’t want to put her phone down. She waited impatiently for an answer, that didn’t take long to come. Laura wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, but right now she needed it. She needed to talk to Carmilla.

**_Carmilla (8:22PM): How did it go?_ **

**_Laura (8:23PM): Great, actually. Something reminded me of you today._ **

Laura’s thumb hovered on top of the “send” button for a few minutes before she decided to hit it. As soon as she saw the three typing dots appearing on Carmilla’s grey speech balloon, she regretted it.

**_Carmilla (8:25PM): Oh, really? How come?_ **

The silly smile on Laura’s face as she remembered the latest events and immediately watched it crossing over with the day it happened in the exact same way with Carmilla. Her heart warmed for a little and maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all ruined after all.

**_Laura (8:26PM): I had to interview J.K Rowling about her new book. And by new, I mean it was released less than 48 hours ago._ **

**_Carmilla (8:27PM): It does ring a bell, yes._ **

**_Carmilla (8:27PM): Also, you people are fast. Damn, creampuff._ **

Laura smiled, Carmilla’s voice echoing perfectly in her head at each word she read from her texts.

**_Laura (8:28PM): It’s kind of our job, to be fast at these things. Not that I’m complaining or anything._ **

**_Carmilla (8:30PM): I’m happy to hear that, Laura. This job, I’ll tell you… It couldn’t have chosen a better person._**

* * *

“Laura?”

Perry’s voice startled Carmilla, causing the dark-haired girl to jump out a little. She looked up from her phone and gave the redhead a half-smile. Perry walked over to the edge of Carmilla’s bed and made herself comfortable as she sat next to Carmilla, trying to see what was written in those texts.

“How is she?” Perry asked, waiting for a response. Carmilla just stared back at her phone.

“I didn’t ask.” Carmilla said, still looking down. She felt her heart tightening in her chest with the thought of the sparkly Laura she knew, all excited, walking into the most important building for the smaller girl, the smile she’d have on. “I know she’s happy, Per. She’s doing what she loves in the greatest city in the world. She told me she interviewed J.K Rowling today. About her new book.”

“On her first day? That’s huge.” Perry seemed shocked, but Carmilla wasn’t. She knew Laura could handle it and she was sure that she’d mastered it. That’s how good Laura is, to master her first assignment perfectly on her first day. “But I think happy may be a bit of an overstatement, Carm. I wasn’t there, but from what you told me, she left broken in pieces. She didn’t even look back at you. She asked you to beg her to stay. Are you sure some hours and a great first day at a new job could mend her back together that easily?”

Carmilla didn’t answer. She didn’t know how to. She didn’t know _what_ to say. Maybe Perry was right, maybe she wasn’t. But Carmilla knew that her job made her happy. Investigating things and people and getting answers was what Laura loved to do the most. She was happy, one way or another, and that had nothing to do with Carmilla. 

“Was that for her?” Perry asked and Carmilla’s brows knitted together in confusion. “I saw you writing. Last night. Was it for her?”

Carmilla nodded. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell Perry about it because she knew the redhead wouldn’t like the idea. Or maybe she would, she wasn’t sure about a lot of things at this point. She sighed heavily before she spat it out.

“It was a letter.”

Perry looked at Carmilla with her eyes filled with pity and tenderness.

“What did you say on it?”

Carmilla sighed as the memories of last night came rushing into her head as she put her favorite memory on the paper.

* * *

_Toronto, January 7 th 2019._

_You left yesterday. Yesterday as in it’s past midnight right now. You asked me to beg you to stay, but I couldn’t do that to you, even though watching you leave broke me in so many pieces I can’t even count._

_You got the chance to live your biggest dream, to have the career you worked so hard for. God knows the things you had to shove down your throat with that crappy job at Silas News and how beautifully you overcame all of that, but look at you now. You’re working for The fucking New York Times and I’m here, still awake at 3AM, looking at the sky with stars and thinking about how much I miss you. I miss you like someone cut a hole in me and it’s okay if you can’t conquer your biggest achievement, your biggest dream by my side because I’m so fucking happy I have all the memories with you, vividly in my mind. I’m so happy you got that interview with me, and not Alice, because I got the chance to meet you and after hurting for so long, after not having anything to believe in love again, I found you._

_You told me Alice had texted you earlier that morning saying that she had the flu and couldn’t leave her bed for anything. You had the biggest headache, but you went to the office anyways. Your boss asked you to cover for Alice and you, so kindly, said “ok, why not?” and made your way to the press I was doing. You also told me that you didn’t know it was me and when they told you that you were interviewing the author of your favorite book the headache seemed to pass in a blink of an eye. I remember watching you walking into the room, your worn-out, purple backpack and your kids’ mittens because the grown-up ones are way too big for your tiny hands. Your hair was up in a high ponytail and a light strand of hair was falling on your eyes. The smile you had on your face was so beautiful. I remember immediately thinking, “wow, she’s the cutest human being I’ve ever seen” and I was right._

_You sat on the chair next to me, throwing gently your backpack on the floor and taking out from it a small notepad with a pen with two ends, each one of them a different color. I remember it was pink and light purple. Then you finally looked up at me and smiled._

_“Not to be biased or anything, but ‘The Scars She Gave Me’ is the best book I’ve ever read in my life.” You were so excited, like you couldn’t believe what was just happening to you. I’m not a person to smile much, but you definitely got one right out of me that day._

_“Oh, that’s good to hear. Thank you. That story is really personal and, yeah, I like it a lot.” I answered, watching you writing my name with the purple end and my book’s name with the pink one. “Now let’s get this thing started, shall we?”_

_“Right, okay.” You answered, all shy and clumsy with the notepad in hands. “You can deny to answer any of my questions if you don’t feel comfortable answering them, you just need to tell me.” You explained to me and I just nodded, my attention wasn’t really much on your words but on your face, how it seemed to be drawn by hand. “So, what was your biggest motivation to get into writing?”_

_“I don’t think there was ever a motivation. I was always the lonely kid in school who always finished the homework first, got bored and started writing some random words on the top of the paper. I was also a very creative kid, always daydreaming. I think I’ve always loved to write, I just didn’t know how or what about.”_

_You listened to every word I said and, different from all the other journalists who were just worried about writing the letters coming out of my mouth as fast as they can, you really listened to me. You waited until I stopped talking and wrote, with your own words, what my answer was. Just after that I watched the corner of your lips turning up into a small smile._

_“Do you mind telling us a little bit more of the backstory behind the storyline of your book?”_

_“Not at all. Well, as I’ve mentioned before, this book is a very personal story for me because it all happened to me. Of course, some things were added due to the entertainment and some others were modified because they were probably too heavy for this genre, but, yeah, I’d say personal experience was the backstory.”_

_I really didn’t know how to put it. It was just something that happened to me, I wrote about it and it turned into a book. But you, Laura Hollis, always have the right words at the right times._

_“Like you needed to get it all out of your chest and not even the loudest of the screams would be enough. You wrote it all down and you realized writing was the thing setting you free from that specific situation.” You said it all so naturally, like you were speaking out of experience and it all just clicked. That was exactly what it was. I needed an escape and writing was the thing helping me cope with all that was happening to me. You knew it before I did._

_“Exactly. That’s exactly it.” I looked at you and saw your cheeks getting red-ish and the page on your lap being filled quickly. I knew my eyes couldn’t lie, because I was looking at you in a way I’ve never looked at someone before and now I realize that, even though Perry told me about it that day. “You’re good.”_

_“Well, I do this for a living, so I kind of need to be.” You giggled and I swear to God it was like hearing an angel. “But thank you. It really means a lot. Silas isn’t the best but a girl has got to pay her bills.”_

_We talked to each other so easily. You seemed to get me in every aspect and I didn’t know how or why, but I just instantly clicked with you. You were the new cool kid everybody wanted to be around, but except you were just warm. You were everything that I needed and maybe more. I just didn’t know it back then._

_You asked me a few more things – that I can’t remember now – and then you said you didn’t have more time and needed to go. You didn’t want to take more of my time._

_I had a pile of copies of my book sitting right next to me. I grabbed one and stole your double-ended pen, which you handed to me promptly with the same shy smile._

_“I already have one.” You smiled politely and I knew you wanted to take it anyways. I saw the small movement of your hand._

_“This one is special.” I gestured it to you once again and you finally took it. You opened the book on the first page and I saw your cheeks getting redder. That’s when I knew you had read the note. The smirk that grew on my face was completely involuntarily._

_‘It was great meeting you! I’m really glad you liked it. Maybe there will be a second book, who knows? Let’s just stay tuned for that._

_Carmilla Karnstein’_

_“I don’t know exactly who or what happened that made you feel this way, the way Casey felt, in the book, but they couldn’t even love themselves in the first place. If they don’t know how to, they can’t love somebody else. It wasn’t your fault. Or Casey’s.” You said before you stood up and threw your backpack in your shoulder again. I smiled at you and I felt your eyes heaving on me._

_“Maybe. Thank you.”_

_You smiled and nodded, waving me goodbye before you left the room. You stopped before you crossed out the door and looked at me. “Have a good day. Thank you for the interview.”_

_“My pleasure.”_

_I wasn’t in a good place that day, you know? But you made something inside me just… heal. It was like you had magical powers or something. I don’t know what happened to me but when I was with you, even if it was just for an hour, I felt okay. I finally felt okay after months of hurting. I forgot everything, all the pain I’d been feeling and I was just me and not that broken shell I had gotten used to be._

_Today is your first day at the job you know you deserve and were born to do. You’re right for it, Laur. Just look back and see how you helped me heal with it, with this job of yours._

_I don’t know why I’m writing this, but like you said, it’s my way to cope. This is how I cope with losing you and everything is going to be okay. For both of us._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

* * *

Laura stared at her phone, Carmilla’s latest text still opened and unanswered. She didn’t have any doubts about her job or if she was good enough for it. She’d fought so hard to get where she was and Carmilla definitely had a giant part on that. Carmilla had helped her grow as a human and as a professional, never leaving Laura’s side once. Now, working for a bigger company, she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to do it. She had everything, except the most important piece that held her together all this time.

Carmilla.

She missed her like crazy. She wanted to come home from an exhaustive day at work and find Carmilla asleep on her couch, with a bag of cookies and a cup of, now cold, hot chocolate on the table. But it was her choice. _She_ chose to leave. She couldn’t have let this opportunity go, even though she loved Carmilla so much that the thought of denying it crossed her mind a hundred times.

“I just love her so much,” Laura whispered to herself, feeling the burning sensation at the back of her eyes coming alive again.

God, she _loved_ Carmilla.

Deep down she already knew it, but to say it out loud was a whole other story.

She loved Carmilla and yet she hurt her. Not only once, but twice. She didn’t want to, but she did it anyways and _God,_ she hated herself so much for that. Laura never had the chance, or the nerve, to say it to Carmilla. She had apologized a thousand times, but she never said what Carmilla meant to her. Never said she loved her. Maybe Carmilla needed to hear it and, deep down, Laura knew Carmilla wanted to after everything. And, yet, she didn’t say it.

Laura wondered if Carmilla would be able to still _love_ her, even after all that. Not just _like_ her, like Laura knew she did, but really, truly _love_ her the way Laura did. Maybe not. The thought of Carmilla just forgetting about her was too much, it hurt her too much. But it had been her choice. Laura left, not Carmilla. Laura left and Carmilla might not love her.

And Laura was not sure if she could live with that thought.

Laura started typing ferociously all the things she wanted to say to Carmilla. Maybe she couldn’t do it face-to-face, but at least she would say it. She would throw the words at the winds and hope it would carry them to her.

_I’m so sorry for everything. I love you so much, Carm. I love you so much it hurts and I know I hurt you and maybe you don’t even love me and that’s okay. I wouldn’t love me, too. But I love you so much, Carmilla, and this is so fucking hard for me. It’s hard living with the guilt of not saying how much you mean to me and now regretting it all because I’m so far away and I can’t even hold you. My house doesn’t even feel like my house anymore because your perfume is not lingering in the air like it used to be. It’s all working out but the missing piece is so far away and that’s completely on me because I chose it, but it still hurts so. fucking. much. But maybe this is where I’m meant to be. Far away from you and from causing you more pain, even though I didn’t mean it and I’m so sorry. I miss you so much and_

Two taps. _Select All. Delete._

**_Laura (8:41PM): Yeah, it couldn’t, right?_ **

* * *

“I told you, Per,” Carmilla said, showing Perry the text she’d received. She tried to disguise the hurt in her tone because this was selfish. She didn’t have the right to feel bad for something like that. Laura’s world didn’t revolve around Carmilla, even though she liked the thought of she being the reason of the smaller girl feeling good. “She’s happy.”

Perry sighed. It would be pointless to argue with her. Carmilla could be a stubborn girl sometimes and nothing in the world could change her mind. Carmilla would only believe that Laura was just as broken as she was if Laura herself stood right in front of her and yelled at her, shaking her by her shoulders. And, if Perry was being honest, maybe even that wouldn’t work.

 _She’s happy,_ Carmilla thought, _and it has nothing to do with you._

“What did you do with the letter?”

“I sent it.”

Carmilla saw Perry’s eyes widening.

“To New York?” Carmilla shook her head.

“No. To her house. Here in Toronto.”

“Wait, you what? Carm, why? She’s not going to see it.”

“And thank God she won’t. I just feel like I need to do this, Per. I need to put it all on the paper otherwise I’ll go crazy. Maybe she won’t see it, maybe it’ll get lost in the delivery, maybe she’ll see it and she will, I don’t know, throw it away, but I _have_ to.”

Perry wiped away the trail of tears that shed from Carmilla’s eyes. She felt bad for Carmilla and she wished there was something she could do to help, but at this moment only one person was capable of making Carmilla feel better and said person was 556km from her, in New York.

“You do realize this is a little bit crazy, right?”

“Per…”

“You write when you’re hurt, I know it. But, the last time, Laura was here to mend you back together. Just… Think about it, okay?”

“Okay.” Carmilla’s face turned into a mix of feelings Perry couldn’t recognize. She rubbed her thumb gently on Carmilla’s arm, the dark-haired girl staring at her phone.

“Okay.” Perry whispered and stood up. Carmilla needed some space right now. “I will make something for us. Pasta or chicken?”

“Both?”

“Yeah, I thought so.” Perry smiled before she left the room with a small grin.

Carmilla looked down at her phone and locked it. She lied down on her bed, her arms crossing under her pillow where her head rested again as the tears came again.

_She’s happy and it’s all that matters._

_It’s all that matters._

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope to see you next week!


	3. Fallin All In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the day, the moment when Carmilla encounters Laura again. Nowadays, Laura is feeling the weight of her choices.

Laura’s week was the craziest ever. She got up at 6 AM every morning and only set feet back home at 8 PM. She wasn’t complaining, she loved being busy all day and that feeling of exhaustion that came with it, meaning she had a productive day, was a good feeling. The hot water hit her back and she groaned in pleasure.

_Try being in heels all day and walking around or not sitting properly on your desk all day, it can ruin your entire body._

It was Friday night and Laura had just come home from a huge press conference. And by huge, she really meant _huge_. There were people from all kinds of television shows and book authors from all over the world. Of course, Laura would have to run around and interview as many people as she could. Being the new girl sometimes sucked, but at the end of the day Laura really enjoyed herself and was really proud of the work she did.

A week was not much but one of her co-workers, Will, was helping her in the company and teaching her all the tricks to get through the week without going crazy. She wasn’t going to lie, she’d already used a few of them and she thanked all the Gods for Will being such a sweetheart.

“Hey, Hollis!” She heard Will calling her name from a distance.

After the press came to an end, they were organizing their bags and making some final notes on the interviews they did. There were only a few people organizing the place; some janitors and employees for the specific event. She looked up from her notepad and her two-ends pen to find Will come running towards her.

“Talk to me.” Laura answered as she shoved down the book and all of her things in her backpack.

“The guys and I are going to a lounge bar, not far from here, to grab a drink and something to eat. Care to join us?”

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

“Come on! They’re super nice, I swear. And if you feel left out or something you let me know and I’ll punch them.” He joked, a smug on his face that felt incredibly too familiar. _Just like Carmilla’s._ Laura chuckled.

“Okay, guess a drink or two won’t hurt.” Laura smiled and threw her backpack on her shoulder, walking out of the room followed by Will. “Why are you being nice to me?”

“What kind of question is that?” He scoffed, his brows furrowed together. “You’re nice, Hollis. You’ve been nothing but a sweetie, tiny pie to me. And you’re good at the job. Like, _really_ good.” Laura felt her cheeks getting hotter and hotter and she wanted to bury her head in the nearest hole. “And, also…”

“What?” Laura answered back instantaneously.

“You seem upset. The entire time. I don’t know what happened, but I do know you’re new to the city and some company won’t hurt. If you feel comfortable, or when, just know you can talk to me.” He smiled and threw an arm around her shoulders. She felt weirdly comfortable, smiling softly at him. Laura nodded and just followed him outside.

“You’re not hitting on me, right? Just to be sure.” Laura said, mostly joking, but she really wanted to know. He laughed before he answered.

“Remember Brandon?” He asked. Will knew Laura had no idea of who he was talking about when he saw her eyebrows meet. “You talked to him on your first day. We were going to the J.K Rowling press. Kind of head of the charge.”

Something inside Laura seemed to click. She did remember him. The hurry-up guy.

“Oh, right! Yeah, I remember him.”

“My boyfriend.”

“Oh! I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. Maybe now we can bond over unicorns or something. You can even tell me about your women crushes and stuff.”

“What?!” Laura gasped, watching him laugh. “How do you know?”

“Gaydar, sweetheart, gaydar.”

Will was a nice guy and he, somehow, made Laura feel safe. Unlike all the other guys who always made her feel uncomfortable, he was just there for her.

_Maybe it won’t be so bad after all._

_Maybe it won’t be that hard talking about Carmilla._

About that, Laura was wrong.

* * *

_Toronto, January 15 th, 2019. _

_There was a conference yesterday. Even though I haven’t released a new book in months, they wanted me there to talk about the book. How could I deny? So, I went. There were a lot of people and, out of habit, I kept searching for you. Silas News was there. I looked around, trying to find you but I remembered you couldn’t be there because, maybe, you were doing the exact same job in New York. It hurt. And, oddly enough, it brought back the moment I met you for the second time and I’m not sure what I felt at that moment. I don’t know if it hurt too much or if your image in my head soothed the ache._

_It was raining a lot that day, I remember. It was freezing cold outside and I was so glad I was in a room with a heater on. I signed a lot of copies, answered so many questions I hadn’t even thought about yet. My fingers were starting to get blisters from holding that black marker for so long and my wrists were starting to get sore, but that was okay. That’s the life I chose, right?_

_When everybody was already going back home, it was only me and some other authors packing our things. I looked at the front door and saw you, all curled up and shivering from head to toe (even though you had that enormous purple jacket on). I wasn’t sure if that was really you because you had your back to me, so I walked up to you and touched your shoulder gently. And of course you’d jump out in a scare._

_“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said, smiling at you when I saw you smiling at me. Your hair was down this time, the top of your head covered by a black toque._

_“I’m a little jumpy, so totally not your fault.” You said, your chin still trembling as the words came out of your mouth._

_“What are you still doing here? I mean, everybody has already gone home and I don’t think you want to be out here, in the cold.”_

_“Well, for starters, I don’t have an umbrella and there’s no way I can catch the subway or the bus back home because the water is probably already up to my knees by now.”_

_I looked out the window and you were right. The bit I saw from the street, it was all flooded. You seemed so tiny and I don’t know where it came from, but I just wanted to protect you. I don’t know exactly what from, but there was this feeling inside me that I just needed to do it. Or at least take care of you somehow. At least at that moment._

_“Well, it seems I’m also stuck here. Come on, I can give you a ride when the rain stops.”_

_“Oh, no, I can’t accept that.”_

_“Why? I offered. Come on, at least we can keep each other company. It may take a while and it’s freezing here. The heater is on inside.”_

_You hesitated for a second and I totally get why. I mean, a complete stranger asking you to keep her company inside the tiny room that was supposed to be her dressing room or whatever AND a ride back home? Yeah, seems a little odd. But yet you accepted it._

_“Okay, why not?” You said and chuckled, walking back inside._

_We sat on the floor. The room had a leak and it was, ironically, spotted perfectly on top of the couch. So, when we got there it was all soaked already. You probably don’t remember that, but the black leather of the couch matched your jeans and for a second you almost sat on the puddle. Perry walked in a few seconds after that, bringing a wet box of pizza and a bag with boxed juice and my stomach growled just with the smell of the pepperoni on top of the crusty dough inside the box._

_“Oh, I didn’t know we had company.” Perry said gently and she didn’t, by no means, mean to offend or make you uncomfortable. But, even back then, you didn’t seem to mind._

_“Per, this is…” And it hit me I haven’t asked you what your name was. “So, your name is…?”_

_“I’m Laura. Laura Hollis. Silas News journalist.”_

_A cute name and a cute face, I thought. How rude of me for not asking your name sooner, the day of the interview._

_You greeted Perry and held out your hand, which Perry immediately took it with a smile on her face. That woman, ever so kind._

_“Also, I’d be hurt that you don’t know my name, but if I didn’t already know you, I wouldn’t know your name either.” You turned to face me this time while Perry sat carefully on the floor, next to me, and place the box of pizza in the middle of us._

_“I’m glad we’re even.”_

_“I didn’t say that.”_

_“Laura, please, serve yourself. You must be starving. I saw all the work you guys put into the interviews and all. I don’t think you had time to take a sip of water.” Perry gestured towards the hot, tasty pizza in front of us. You got a little hesitant at first, but then you gave in. “Thank God I’m a prepared woman and brought two more juices. Carmilla can be a hungry girl sometimes.”_

_You chuckled as my cheeks started to get hot. I looked at Perry in total disbelief. She held a laugh as she handed you a box of grape juice. We didn’t even know back then if you liked it or not. Later I found out it’s your favorite._

_“Perry!” I said, my voice going an octave higher._

_“Let’s not fight in front of the guests, honey.” She joked and I watched your face turn into something, to this day, I still can’t figure out what. You were clearly having a good time, but as soon as Perry said it you turned into a mix of shame and fear or something in that grey area._

_“Oh, you guys are a thing?” Your voice came so softly and quietly. You seemed almost upset. And scared. You seemed scared, almost like too scared to be there. You shifted in place and all your body language pointed to that exact thought._

_“Oh, my God, never.” I said firmly, staring straight at you, making sure I was letting the kindest part of me show up. All your facial muscles seemed to relax and, back then, I thought it was weird. You got so uncomfortable with us being or not being a couple and I didn’t understand why. Now I do. “Perry’s my best friend since first grade and we’ve been living together for four years now. She’s like my sister. It’d be kind of gross. Also, I’m all up for women, gingers not so much.”_

_“Rude.” Perry faked being hurt, taking you out of that dark zone you had dove in and making you giggle again. I felt some kind of relief and smiled at you. I remember your cheeks got red and you looked down at your hand, holding that folded piece of pizza with what was barely a bite._

_“What about you, Laura? Tell us how you got into this job of yours.”_

_That subject also seemed to make you uncomfortable and I wanted to know what was going through your mind that day because everything seemed to make you feel out of place. I immediately regretted opening my mouth, but then you took a deep breath and everything seemed to calm down for a little._

_“Long story short, no support from my parents whatsoever and some really poor choices back on my college applications.”_

_“Seems like my life.” I said, trying to lighten up the mood. It seemed to work because you smiled again, for the fifth time that day (and I was so damn glad you did)._

_Then you stared at me. It was the first time I actually noticed the color of your eyes. Hazel-green. I had never seen such beautiful eyes before. I also noticed how your lips seemed to have a heart shape. All those little details no one ever notices in someone in such short amount of time, but I somehow did that day._

_Perry caught up the tension and just got up after she murmured something like “I’m going to check on the street situation”, but I didn’t give it much attention, honestly. I was completely caught up on you and I had no idea why._

_“You’re good, Laura. At your job, I mean. And it shows, you know? That interview… It clicked some things for me. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.” The words just slipped out of my mouth, but I’m glad they did because they seemed to calm you. They seemed to make you more comfortable or not so uncomfortable as you were before._

_“Thanks. For the words and the pizza. I was really, really hungry. You’re really cool, Carmilla.”_

_“You’re not so bad yourself.”_

_“Oh, thank God the rain stopped!” Perry’s voice came louder than ours this time and I actually stopped to see what she was doing and also did you. There she was, standing at the window, staring at the streets out there. I didn’t hear the rain pouring anymore. You shoved down the rest of your pizza and slurped the juice in before you stood up, way too quickly for your feet._

_“And I can go take the subway before it starts again.” You cleaned your greasy hands on your pants, dusting off the flour from the crust all over your legs._

_“Laura, no. I told you I’d drive you. It’s totally not a big deal. Besides, the subway station must be crazy like an anthill right now and there’s the small possibility of the train not being functional anymore. Electrical issues and all.”_

_“I guess you’re right. Okay, then.” You had your backpack on your shoulder already, but then you just dropped it onto the wet couch again to quickly get it from it. “Wet.”_

_You have no idea how hard I had to fight not to make a dirty joke. Now you know, but back then the only thing you knew about me was… Well, everything. You had read my book, you knew me because you knew Casey. You didn’t know that yet, but, somehow, deep down you seemed to._

_Fifteen minutes later you were giving me coordinates to your home. It wasn’t far from mine and turned out I was right, the subway wasn’t working due to electricity issues because of the storm. It was already dark out and the cold seemed to get worse. The tip of your nose was pink, just like your fingertips, typing quickly on your phone. I didn’t know it back then, but now I know you weren’t texting your parents, but your friends._

_“There you go, back home safe and in time for a new episode of Orphan Black or something.” I said as I pulled over in front of a tiny house, all its features looking so like you._

_“I do love Orphan Black.”_

_“I had a feeling.” I answered, watching you grab your things and searching for the door handle. I have no idea where the next thing that came out of my mouth came from, but I’m glad it did. “Maybe we could hang out more sometime. Go get a coffee or, I don’t know, a cup of tea if caffeine isn’t your thing.”_

_“Uh, I’m a journalist. That basically translates to caffeine addict. How do you think I’m still awake past 9PM?” You gave me a small laugh before you held your hand out. I looked confused at you before you tilted your head to the side. “Phone.”_

_“Oh, right.”_

_You took it from my hand, typed some numbers and wrote ‘Laura’ under the ‘First Name’ section and then ‘Hollis’ on the ‘Last Name’ field._

_Laura Hollis. Silas News journalist. Incredibly beautiful and good with her words. Says journalism was a bad choice before on her college applications but the job seemed to be made for her._

_Laura Hollis._

_“Thank you for the ride. I’ll be waiting for that text.” You said and your cheeks immediately went beet red. I chuckled._

_“Got it. See you around, Hollis.”_

_“Same, Karnstein.”_

_You said your goodbyes to Perry, mentioned one last time how delicious the pizza was and thanked her again for the food. You got out of the car and I waited until you had gotten inside because that neighborhood of yours is definitely not the best out there. You waved goodbye at me from your front porch before you crossed the door and locked it._

_I remember driving back home with a small smile on my face and I know Perry knew I had felt something or that the vibe was different because of you. I used to be miserable every day of my life, but once you started making part of it everything got easier. You were the medicine I didn’t know I needed until I did._

_Like I said before, somewhere: you’re everything I need and more, Laura._

_I wish I was enough for you, too._

_Someday I will._

_Maybe I was._

_I guess someday we’ll find out._

_But while that doesn’t happen, you’ll still be the reason I believe in love again._

_I miss you. A lot._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

Carmilla dropped the pen on the table and wiped the tears with the back of her hand. As the good memories came back, the bad ones came along and Carmilla couldn’t handle all of that again. She thought she was over it by now. They had talked about it, damn it. But everything pointed to the same question that still haunted her oldest scars.

_Am I enough? Will I ever be enough for her?_

Carmilla didn’t know the answer and maybe even Laura didn’t have all of them. Maybe it was time for Carmilla to just stop worrying about that because maybe they would never know the answer. Maybe Carmilla would never be enough for Laura, to make her happy, and all that was left for her to do was to face it and move on.

But did she want to move on from Laura, though? Did she want to just give up on her like that? Hell, she didn’t. Not after everything they went through. All the healing they did together.

Laura was worth fighting for and that’s what Carmilla was going to do, even if she had to fight for her being hundreds of miles away from Laura.

* * *

The ride back home was painful in so many levels that Laura had to fight hard not to cry on the subway. She had had a nice evening out with her colleagues and Will didn’t let her feel like an outsider even for a second. As the night started to come to an end, people started to leave and it was only Will, Brandon and Laura left at the table.

“You are unbearably quiet tonight.” Will mentioned as he ordered another non-alcoholic drink, while Brandon was on his fourth beer. “Was it something that we said? Because, you know, those guys can be jerks sometimes and—”

“No, it wasn’t anything you guys said. It’s just me, myself and I.” Laura forced a smile, letting her body weight fall onto her crossed arms on top of the table. “It’s been really hard adapting to the new city.”

“Adapting to the new or letting go of the old one?”

It was like a punch on Laura’s stomach.

“Both.” She answered with a sigh. “But maybe I’m not ready to let go of the old one just yet.”

“It can be a little when that’s where your heart is at.” Laura was pretty sure Brandon wasn’t on his soberest moment, but he had a point.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell us what happened?” Will tried again. Brandon’s gasp got their attention as he babbled ‘bubbles!’ to the bubbly drink in front of him. “Or me. That one is far gone.”

Laura took one last deep breath. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to talk about it yet, but what if it helped her somehow? So, she gave it a try. It couldn’t hurt more than it already did.

“Her name is Carmilla, she’s an author. She’s not that famous to have her 3x4 picture on the cover of the _New York Times_ or anything, but her book has gone viral in Toronto. I went to interview her without knowing it was her, and, oddly enough my favorite book is the one she wrote. But then I ruined everything. I hurt her a lot back then and I didn’t mean to, but I did. And now I left and hurt her again in the process. I just can’t take it.” Her voice cracked and the back of Laura’s eyes started to sting, making her bit her bottom lip in order to try and calm herself down. _Not in public, Laura. Not again._ “I wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world but all I gave her was pain. She doesn’t love me the way I do, I’m pretty sure about that. But I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t love myself either.”

“Care to share and explain it a little bit more?” Will said softly, almost too gently. Laura shrugged. She knew he just wanted to help, but could he? Could anybody help her feel better besides Carmilla’s arms? Besides Carmilla’s embrace and her perfume invading Laura’s nostrils?

So, Laura told him. Since the first day they met to their last minute together. From the first smile Carmilla ever gave her to the last tears the dark-haired girl shed for her. As the story went Laura watched his features changing, from pity to scare, from eyebrows knitted together in confusion to the softness and small smiles as Laura showed him how much she loved her. How she didn’t mean to do all those things she had absolutely no control over. She didn’t choose to be that scared. She didn’t want to feel that way, but she couldn’t help.

She told him about how Carmilla hated hot days and, even on those days, how she wouldn’t let go of the black clothes. How Carmilla used to meet her after work with coffee and cookies every single Wednesday. Will’s smile turned bigger when Laura told him how Carmilla would caress the top of Laura’s head until she was asleep every time the blonde slept over at Carmilla’s place.

She told him about all the little things that made her fall in love with the dark-haired girl and it hurt every time because Carmilla didn’t feel the same. She may have loved her at some point, but now Laura was sure there was nothing left.

“Laura, are you sure she doesn’t have any feelings for you? From what you’ve told me…”

“I’m sure, Will. I hurt her too much for her to still want to be with me or love me. It’s so fucking hard. It’s hard loving her this much because it hurts, but I can’t do anything else.”

At this point, Laura didn’t care if people around were staring at her ugly crying. She didn’t care if her not-waterproof mascara made her look like Lexa. All she wanted was for the pain to go away. She had come to terms with herself. Carmilla didn’t love her back and, right now, she couldn’t. Laura wasn’t one to blame her. It was her choice. _She_ did the hurting. It was all on Laura.

“Maybe I’m hard to love. She was the first person that made me believe otherwise. When we were together, she showed me what love was. But hurricane Laura just had to come and ruin everything.”

“Are you guys still talking to each other?” Will asked, trying to manage his attention between drunk Brandon and Laura. She nodded lightly.

“Barely. Texts only. I don’t think I’m strong enough to hear her voice.”

“Is that enough for you?” Laura stood in silence. She didn’t know. “Having her like that is enough for you? Because, if it’s not, you need to let her go, even if it hurts like hell.”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed. “Maybe. I’m just… not ready to let her go yet.”

“Then, for now, it has to be enough. Better have her like that than not at all.” He pulled her in for a hug, his hand rubbing her arm softly. “But If I’m being totally honest, I don’t think you’re the only one who learned what love is from all of that. You deserve love, little one, and there’s a reason Carmilla is the only one who can make you feel that. What’s yours will always come back to you. She will, too.”

“Will she, though?”

Neither of them knew the answer to that. Laura wanted so bad for that to be true, for Carmilla being hers the only thing she ever knew for sure in her life.

But she didn’t.

And while she didn’t get the answers to that, she just allowed herself to feel it all. Allowed the tears to shed as her face hit her pillow, so bland now without Carmilla’s perfume on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter and thank you so much for reading!   
> If any of you want to reach out to me, you can find me on twitter (@karnscarm).
> 
> I hope you all have a nice week and I'll see you next Saturday!


	4. Start Of Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where, nowadays, life is still reminding Carmilla of moments she had with Laura, which brings us to Laura and Carmilla's first (real!) date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people! How are you all doing on this rainy Saturday?  
> This chapter was one of my favorites to write and I really like this one. Better get ready for a lot of fluff, but don't forget the tissues.

Kicking her wet boots all over the place, Carmilla entered the house and locked the door behind her with a loud bang. Her guitar case was thrown on the couch, droplets of water and little snowflakes splashing onto the fabric. Her wet leather jacket quickly met her other ones on the hanger before she walked towards the kitchen. Opened the fridge, took a bottle of water from it, took a big sip and put it back.

“There’s some mac and cheese for you in the microwave.” Perry was in the shower, but still managed to hear Carmilla coming home from her gig at the bar. “It’s probably cold by now, so heat it up.”

“Thanks, Per.” Carmilla shouted back, opening the microwave to find a plate exaggeratedly full of pasta. 1 minute and 30 seconds on the screen, turn on.

She rested her back on the edge of the counter, watching the snow falling outside. Her fingertips were sore and her throat even more after singing non-stop for three hours.

The money she got from the book wasn’t that much anymore but it was enough to pay the bills she shared with Perry. Being a kindergarten teacher, Perry didn’t make much a month, but when they put all their money together, it was enough and there was still some money left. But she needed to do something else. Even before she started writing, Carmilla used to do gigs around the city, playing her acoustic guitar in pubs and the piano in lounge bars. Not that she did it out of pure necessity, no. In fact, singing and composing songs were a first-place tie with writing on Carmilla’s list of things she loved to do. When she was 7, she learned the piano by herself. At age 14, she could play the piano and the guitar like a pro. When she lost her mother, she wrote her first song.

The beeping sound coming from the microwave startled her, taking her out of her own mind, the smell of reheated food hitting her nostrils, her stomach growling in anticipation.

Carmilla put her plate on the counter, took out a fork from the drawer and pulled up a high chair to sit on. She hummed in pleasure when the salty food hit her tongue.

“If you want more after you finish that there’s more in a bowl in the fridge.” Perry showed up at the door, towel wrapped around her body and another one on her wet hair.

“What are you, my mother?” Carmilla joked, giving her a sincere smile as she took another bite. “Thank you. It’s delicious.”

“If it wasn’t for me, you’d be surviving off of chocolate and soda. Surviving would be an understatement, though. How did it go there?”

“Meh, the usual.” Carmilla played with the noodles, swinging them around with the fork. “Played a couple of songs, not the originals, and got paid. Now I have enough money to pay for rent and buy some new underwear.”

“The gigs are really helping out, huh?” Perry said it sarcastically. She knew how much Carmilla made each month just with the book sales and the dark-haired girl was definitely exaggerating. In response to Perry, Carmilla just chuckled and shrugged. “What happened? You seem a little bit down.”

“There was this couple today,” she started and Perry knew exactly where she was going. _Not in a different way since Laura went away two weeks ago._ “It was their first date, actually. One of the girls asked me to play ‘You and Me’, by Lifehouse. I don’t know how I was even able to sing that out loud.”

“Have you talked to her? I mean, today?”

“Not yet. I mean, I wanted to, but… Yeah, no.” Carmilla dropped the fork onto the plate, not even half of the food was gone.

“You love her, Carmilla. She loves you. You can’t just shut her off like that. It’ll only hurt you more. _Both of you._ ” Perry emphasized the last part. Carmilla sighed deeply and reached for her pocket, taking her phone out.

“What would I even say?”

“What would you say if she was here, and hadn’t left?”

“I would tell her about my day, I don’t know.” Perry raised her eyebrows, showing Carmilla that that was what she needed to do. Carmilla huffed. “Fine.”

Her fingers moved quickly on the screen, sometimes with a certain uncertainty. She hesitated for a minute before finally hitting the send button.

**_Carmilla (9:42PM): Hey, Laur. Just wanted to check in, see if you’re okay. You’re probably in bed by now, but… yeah._ **

“Seriously?” Perry looked at her with scorn, eyebrows quirked up to her hairline. “Carm, come on.”

“It still hurts, Per. I’m getting better, but it still hurts.”

“I know it does, Carm. The thing hurting you the most is not hearing from her that she loves you back, even though, deep down, you know she does. Not hearing she _misses_ you like you miss her. You won’t know if you don’t say it, too. You’ve been through this before.” Perry’s hand reached out to Carmilla’s arm, her thumb rubbing against the cold skin gently. Carmilla nodded in agreement. She did know Perry was right, but she didn’t want her to be.

“Okay. Thanks, Per.”

“Sure thing.” The redhead smiled. “Now I’m going to put on some clothes before I get pneumonia. You should also take a hot shower after you got yourself all wet from that storm outside. And finish your food.”

“Stop treating me like a kid!” Carmilla shouted playfully, pushing Perry’s arm gently. “You’re not my mother!”

“Stop acting like one, then!”

Carmilla was incredibly grateful for Perry. Sure, she could be a little too much when it came to cleaning or anything else, but she was _her person._ Perry has been by Carmilla’s side every step of the way and never, not even once, judged the dark-haired girl for any choice she made. She gave her advice and helped her decide some huge things in her life, but every time one of them went wrong, Perry was the shoulder she cried on. Of course, they had some fights. Carmilla could be a little short-tempered and difficult to deal with sometimes, but Perry was always nothing but patient with her.

Two more bites and Carmilla was done. She took her plate to the sink before Perry yelled at her some more and went straight to her room, feeling the softness of her mattress hitting her back. She fought the urge to grab her phone.

_Your phone is not on silent mode. If she texts you back, you’ll know._

And while she didn’t, Carmilla grabbed a paper and a pen.

_Toronto, January 22 nd, 2019. _

_I miss you on a whole new level today. I had a gig at a bar downtown. You know it, that one that you always order the Nutella waffles along with a chocolate milkshake. If I’m being honest, I still don’t know how you don’t have diabetes or something, but totally not what I’m here to talk about._

_There was this couple. Two girls. One of them was the tiniest person I’ve ever seen in my life (she was even tinier than you!), while the other one seemed to have passed on the height line twice. Emmalee, the tiny one, came up to me between The Only Exception by Paramore, and Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood, and asked me if I could sing You and Me, by Lifehouse, because they were on their first date after being in love with each other for months and it was their song. I’m so happy I knew that song by heart (and the chords, otherwise it’d be a disaster) because the look in her eyes when Luna, her girlfriend, realized which song I was playing was priceless. It was so pure, just them living in the moment, being in love with each other and nothing else mattered._

_Just like when I first asked you out._

_Five days had passed since the last time I had seen you at that press conference and all the storm disaster. It was barely 11AM and it was freezing. The snow had started to fall lightly outside and I sure wasn’t happy about it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a summer kind of person either, but I really like to feel my extremities, you know? And being -5ºC outside really didn’t help._

_But then my phone rang. A single beep I looked at the screen and your name popped up with the following text:_

_‘Everybody here now thinks you’re my best friend just because you fed me and gave me a ride back home the other day. The texts from the last couple of days may have helped a little. People won’t shut the fuck up about you. What have you done…’, you said. Yes, you really used the swear word. Don’t even try to deny it._

_Not that I didn’t want to be your best friend, but I couldn’t help but to feel a little bit (just a tiny little bit) disappointed that you used the word “friends”._

_‘Well, if you want to prove them wrong you can totally deny when I ask you out,’ I typed back, but quickly regretted it. I didn’t even know if you were into women back then and it was really bad of me to assume that beforehand like that. So, I tried to fix it. ‘As friends, I mean. Not like a date or anything.’_

_I thought you were having a really rushed day, or I was too anxious about your answer, because it took you fifteen minutes to answer me back and what I read completely made my stomach churn and woke up all of the butterflies I was sure had died by then._

_‘Maybe I don’t want to prove them wrong.’ I could almost see that small smile where just one side of your lips tug upwards and your cheeks get so red that you can almost feel the heat radiating. ‘Maybe it could be a date, but you can totally deny that if you want to.’_

_‘Maybe I could pick you up after your shift and we could go to a really cool place I know. But that’s just a maybe.’ I answered. Perry caught me smiling at my phone and I know that because she cleared her throat and gave me the mother look – the one where she knows that you like someone or you’re setting a secret date._

_‘Maybe I’d like that.’_

_‘Maybe I’ll pick you up at your place at 5PM, then.’_

_‘Ok, enough with the maybes because I’m starting to get lost if this is actually real or if we’re just playing.’_

_So naïve. It’s one of the things I love the most about you._

_‘I’m not playing,’ I answered, already feeling the cold running down my spine. ‘But it’s okay if you are.’_

_‘Good, because I’m the most serious I’ve ever been.’_

_‘Be ready at 5PM, then.’ And just like that I suddenly forgot about the low temperature outside and even if I was feeling the tip of my fingers._

_The rest of the day went by so slowly that day, I remember. I had some documents to hand over at the publishing company and by 3:30PM I was already done and ready to rush to Silas News, even though I had told you I’d pick you up at your place. If Perry hadn’t called me asking to go grocery shopping because our fridge was basically soda, water and eggs, I’d totally have done it._

_I pulled over in front of your house at 5 on the dot. After I took the groceries back home and put on nicer clothes, I was ready to go out again, feeling the nervousness taking over my body. It had been a while since I had gone out with somebody and it was really scary for me after everything I went through the last time. Perry made sure to remind me of that._

_“Are you okay, Carm?” She asked me before I could even step out of the kitchen. “You’re going out with the Silas journalist, right?”_

_“Uh-huh. Laura,” I hummed, looking confused at her._

_“Just… Be careful. Please. I know how hurt you got last time and this girl… she made you smile after months. Maybe she has superpowers or something, but just be careful.”_

_I understood where her concern came from. Perry was there every step of the way. Since the moment I met her until the day she left. She watched me turn into a puddle of happiness to the moment I fell broken to the ground._

_“I will, Per. Don’t worry.” I smiled lightly at her because even though I was in a good place, bringing back those memories always shook me up a bit. “Now I have to go. Can I borrow your car?”_

_“Be my guest. Just don’t eat or drink anything while you’re in it. I still spot ants from the last time you dropped milkshake on the carpet.”_

_“Noted.”_

_I looked at my phone for the seventh time in the last three minutes to see if there was any text from you, but blank. I won’t lie, I really thought you were going to stand me up that day. But then I took all the courage I was piling up and texted you._

_‘I know all the action movies tell you not to get into black cars with unknown people, but I’m outside, in front of your house, in a black car.’_

_‘Never liked action movies anyways. I’ll meet you in two minutes.’ You texted back really quick, like you were waiting for me to text with your phone in your hands._

_The longest two minutes of my life. As the seconds went by, I could feel the cold feeling in the pit of my stomach growing again and I swore I was going to throw up. I don’t know why or how, but something about you made me feel that way – a way I thought I would never feel towards someone again._

_I caught a glimpse of your hair as you walked out. You had a grey toque on, but this time you were wearing a jean jacket with a huge, HUGE, rose on it. You turned around looking for the car, squinting your eyes as you did so. And it didn’t take you long to spot me smiling at you._

_“So, you really weren’t playing,” was the first thing you said to me as soon as you stepped into the car._

_“Told you,” I answered. You shivered as the snow started to cool your body, so I turned the heater on. “Ready?”_

_“Sure,” you said. “Where are we going, exactly? Just so I know you’re not trying to murder me.”_

_“Sorry, but it’s a secret.” I answered as I looked out the side mirrors and you reprehended me with just one look. “Buckle up, creampuff. We’re going to be in for a long ride.”_

_It wasn’t a long ride, no, but we managed to talk about everything. It started with the weather, because, why not? And then we switched to our jobs and, mostly, your job. You told me how much you really loved it now but how it sucked. How they didn’t quite pay you enough and all the ugly things in that industry. And then, all of the sudden, you mentioned how much you liked chocolate chip cookies and the conversation was entirely food-related until we got to the place. I remember thinking ‘wow, this girl really is something else’. Turns out, I was right._

_“Oh, my God, what is this place and why wasn’t I aware of its existence?” Your jaw dropped to the floor as we walked into the Bookteria. A coffee shop where you can borrow books and read while you’re drinking your mocha. Couldn’t find a better place for a writer and a journalist to go on their first date._

_“I really, really don’t know. This place is, like, the coolest in town.”_

_We walked towards one of the only empty tables there, the corner one with the cushioned benches. As we sat, the waitress came to get our orders. Black coffee for me, hot chocolate for you. The shelves above our heads filled with all kinds of books, from children’s books to religious ones. While you were too distracted trying to find one, I slipped a napkin to the waitress._

_‘Bring some cookies too, please. If you have chocolate chip ones, even better.’_

_You had no idea I had ordered them, so when they came along with our drinks, I saw the corner of your lips tug just the slightest._

_“I didn’t order the cookies,” your voice came out barely as a whisper, looking at me like a child waiting to rip the paper off of their Christmas present._

_“I know,” I said, feeling my cheek muscles contracting in that damn smile again. You looked down at your lap, shyly, as your cheeks turned pink._

_The time went by and I didn’t even notice it. It was starting to get darker outside, but I honestly didn’t mind. As we spoke, sometimes our hands would brush against each other and I would feel the warmth of your skin against mine and I wasn’t bothered. I didn’t feel the need to run away._

_At some point your eyes caught on the shelf in front of us and you stood up quickly, grabbed a book and came back._

_“This was my favorite book when I was around 12. My mom wouldn’t let me read it because she said it would give me nightmares, but she left it on the bookshelf where I could reach, so every night after she went to bed I’d sneak up and read it.”_

_“Memories of Midnight, Sidney Sheldon.” I read the cover. I wasn’t familiar with the author  then, but I managed to read a lot of his books later on, all of them which you told me about. “Mystery fan?”_

_“Yeah. I love his books. Along with Agatha Christie, he writes the best mystery books out there, in my opinion. I think you’ll like this one.”_

_“Maybe I’ll give it a chance.” I winked at you with a smirk and you just chuckled. You took a sip of your hot chocolate and drowned your cookie in your drink before you took it to your mouth. “Okay, that’s disgusting.”_

_“Oh, like you’ve never dipped your cookie in your milk before.”_

_“I’m a decent human being!”_

_“So, you’re going to try it and I don’t take no for an answer.” You said, grabbing another cookie and dipping it way too much on the hot chocolate._

_“No!” I laughed as I tried to push your hand away, but you insisted anyways._

_Our hands collided and the wet cookie broke in pieces, falling all over the open book. Your jaw shot open and you whispered an ‘oh, my God!’ before you started cleaning out the now stained book._

_“Oh, no. We’re screwed. I ruined the book. Oh, my God.”_

_“Shh, calm down. We’re just going to close it, put it back, pay and run away before they charge us 50$ for it.” I said, grabbing the disgusting wet cookie off the table with a napkin and setting it aside with my empty coffee cup._

_And then, before we could run away, the waitress came. You hadn’t finished cleaning the book inside, so you just closed it as quickly as you could. You smiled and thanked her for the food, said it was delicious. We paid. We, literally, ran away._

_But we forgot it had been snowing earlier. The street was wet and slippery. You didn’t see the hole a few meters from where the car was parked. If I had been one step farther away from you, you would have fallen pretty bad. You slipped and almost sprained your ankle, but you managed to walk normally until we got into the car._

_“What happened? You twisted your ankle?” I asked as soon as we closed the doors._

_“I mean, no but yes. I didn’t twist it entirely, but I did. Almost. I didn’t see the hole.”_

_“Okay, I’m driving you to the hospital.” I turned the engine on, but your hand shot straight to mine, keeping it in place. I felt a small tremble of your fingers on top of my cold hand and looked at you before you withdrew it._

_“It’s okay. Seriously. It’s not hurt or anything. It didn’t twist fully, let’s say it like that, just superficially.”_

_I looked at your ankle and it wasn’t swollen or anything. Since you said you weren’t feeling pain, I let it go._

_“Are you sure? Because the hospital is very near, I can just drive yo—”_

_“Carm, I’m fine.” You said and hesitated a little before you placed your hand on my hand again, fingers still trembling at the touch. You smiled at me, rubbing your thumb softly against the skin of my hand before letting it go. “It only happened because you didn’t eat the cookie.”_

_“You ate it and look what happened to you. My ankle feels fine.” I joked, moving my ankle around._

_“Oh, alright, keep making fun of me.” You said squinting your eyes, the sarcasm clear in your voice. “I’m still going to make you eat hot chocolate dipped cookies. You’ll see. Next time.”_

_“Over my dead body, cutie.” I look at you, the smug look on my face and eyebrows quirked up to my hairline. It took a while for my brain to catch up with that last part. The smug turned into a smile and all the nervousness in your face seemed to disappear._

_I am, to this day, still eating cookies dipped in hot chocolate._

_“Next time, huh? I thought I wouldn’t even get the first one.” I said. Your features turned to pure concern and I cursed mentally for even opening my mouth._

_“Unless you don’t want to.” You said like you wanted to disappear._

_“I’d love that, Cupcake.” You smiled again and all your muscles relaxed._

_I dropped you off. The entire time I was driving you home I could feel your stare falling on me a couple times, but I didn’t even dare to move. I wanted to make a move so bad, but something told me not to. So, I didn’t._

_“Are you sure your foot is okay?” I was parked in front of your place, almost nine at night. I let my hand fall gently on your thigh and I felt it flinching, just a bit, so I removed it._

_“Yeah, it was barely a sprain. I’m okay.” You smiled and the silence lingered for a couple of seconds. “I had a really, really nice time, Carm. That place was just perfect. Thank you.”_

_I caught myself stuck in your eyes. In the way your lips moved when you said my name and the nickname that I found out I only like when it’s you saying it. My breathing became uneven and I felt my heart racing inside my chest and I wanted to make a move so bad, but my body wasn’t responding to what I was telling it to do. I was sure if I opened my mouth two hundred butterflies would come out._

_“I can’t wait to see you again, Laura.” I hated the fact that you got so many smiles from me in an evening, but I couldn’t help it. Every time I looked at you it happened involuntarily. You looked away for a second with your pink cheeks (this time not from the cold) before you smiled at me again. “I’ll call you. I guess we’re past the texts-only phase now.”_

_“We definitely are. I’ll see you around, Carm.”_

_I watched you walk towards your front porch again. You looked at me one last time and waved goodbye before you walked in. I didn’t know it then, but from that moment I felt something inside me growing even more at the thought of seeing you again. Of touching your hand or seeing that shy smile every time I complimented you on something._

_I saw that on those girls today. I saw the same enchantment I felt when I went out with you that day. I saw in Luna’s eyes how much she liked Emmalee and how happy they were just being with each other. They reminded me of you the entire time and it hurt, Laura. It really did, because I wanted to be able to come back home and tell you that while you cuddle with me with the excuse that it’s cold, even though the heater was on._

_It’s almost 10PM now and I probably make no sense, but you know me. That’s me, raw and open._

_I had my chance. I missed it. And I only have myself to blame for it._

_(Still doesn’t erase the fact that I still wish you were here and that I miss you like crazy.)_

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

Carmilla sighed, feeling the tight feeling in her chest growing again. She didn’t cry this time, but she was so close to breaking down. She dropped the pen on the table and folded the paper before putting it in her drawer.

* * *

**_Carmilla (9:42PM): Hey, Laur. Just wanted to check in, see if you’re okay. You’re probably in bed by now, but… yeah._ **

Laura had been staring at her phone for five minutes, with no courage whatsoever to even open the text. The smile on her face was the closest she had gotten to happiness lately and God, she missed her like crazy.

**_Laura (9:49PM): Hey, Carm. Yeah, I’m okay. Job’s rough, but I’m managing._ **

**_Laura (9:50PM): And, yes, I was getting ready for bed. You do know me well._ **

**_Carmilla (9:51PM): Are you really okay?_ **

_No, I’m not, because I miss you like a fucking fiend._

**_Laura (9:52PM): Yeah, I am, Carm._ **

**_Laura (9:52PM): Are you? Okay, I mean?_ **

**_Carmilla (9:52PM): I miss you so fucking much, Laura._ **

Laura was startled. She hoped to hear she was doing great, maybe even writing again. She totally didn’t expect Carmilla to say she missed her. It’s been two weeks and Laura felt a rush of sudden joy run through her entire body.

_She didn’t say she loves you, but she misses me. She said she misses me,_ Laura thought, reading the text over and over. She closed it and opened it again, just to make sure she wasn’t creating scenarios in her head, but it was there.

Carmilla missed her. 

Laura had no idea when the sobs had started or when the tears started to roll down her face, but when she realized it, she was too far gone. But she was smiling.

Smiling because Carmilla missed her. All those feelings, all the questions if whether Carmilla still felt something for her disappeared for a second because Carmilla missed her. It truly wasn’t just Laura feeling too much. It probably meant something, right?

**_Laura (9:55PM): I miss you too, Car—_ **

Backspace. Backspace. Backspace.

**_Laura (9:56PM): I’m so sorry._ **

Select all. Delete.

**_Laura (9:58PM): I miss you too, Carm._ **

**_Laura (9:58PM): I’m sorry._ **

_I’m sorry for hurting you and not just once._

_I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t love you._

_I’m sorry for leaving without telling you how much I do._

She so desperately needed Carmilla at that moment. The ache growing inside her chest that could only be soothed by Carmilla’s embrace was starting to get too much and she needed to scream. The lack of Carmilla’s perfume made her feel so fucking lonely and she didn’t want to feel those things anymore. She wanted to take the next flight to Toronto and just tell her. Tell her she loved her.

Maybe she could just say it now, but it wouldn’t be fair. How could she say it over a text? In that situation? It wasn’t fair to either of them.

The regret was killing her inside.

Laura didn’t know how, but the exhaustion started to take over her entire body and in a few minutes she fell asleep, her arms wrapped around the yellow pillow Carmilla used to steal all the time.

Her phone buzzed again.

**_Carmilla (10:31PM): Yeah, me too._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and I'll see you next Saturday!  
> Twitter: @karnscarm


	5. Why Can't I Hold You In The Street?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where video-calls happen and Laura goes down memory lane to an especial moment; back in the days, what was supposed to be a good memory, turns out to be a bad one. For, maybe, both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful creatures! Here I am with a brand-new chapter. I’d like to thank Deena for being the greatest person ever and for helping me out with the proofread, correcting my mistakes and being so patient! Now, back to the story, I must warn you that this is one of the heartbreaking chapters, so prepare yourselves!

 “Okay, guys, stop moving—”

“Scooch over, tall thing. This bed is way too small for both of us.” LaFontaine complained, trying to push the redhead herself with an elbow to her ribs.

“Call me tall thing again, lab rat.”

“Danny, the lapto—” Laura tried to warn as she saw their image moving around too much.

A loud thud followed by the suddenly black screen. Laura, Danny and LaFontaine had been trying to do their Tuesday videocall for about twenty minutes now, but they didn’t seem to be getting anything ready. Laura adjusted her body on the bed, pulling up the pillow under her chest closer to her face.

“I think we’re back now.” LaFontaine stated, running their fingers through their hair.

“You weren’t even here before to begin with.” Laura teased, getting eye rolls from them.

“This room is a mess, LaFontaine! For God’s sake!” Laura heard Danny’s muffled voice coming from somewhere inside their apartment.

“Danny, this is not the time. Laura is waiting!” They yelled back and in a couple of seconds the redhead entered the room again. “We can clean the mess after.”

“Oh, there’s no we in this. It’s all on you.” Danny was clearly irritated with LaFontaine and, knowing them like Laura did, she could say she was right even if she hadn’t seen the situation of the room. Danny sat forcefully on the bed, making LaFontaine bounce with the reverse impact. “Hi, Laura! We miss you. How’s New York?”

“You know, it’s rush hour even when it’s not and way warmer than Toronto.” Laura chuckled. “At least I’m distracted from my mind all the time. People at work are nice, and by people, I mean Will and Brandon. They’re the only ones who haven’t given me the death stare.”

“New girl, am I right?” LaFontaine said, getting a nod from Laura. “Even though it’s been almost a month.”

“I know, and I’ve done more work in a month than I ever did in a year when I was working at Silas. I don’t know how I haven’t gone crazy yet.”

It was definitely not her best work. Some days she couldn’t wrap her head around the things she needed to get done, others she’d deliver the best article in the entire company. Laura’s life was a rollercoaster and she knew why.

“But the money is worth it.” LaFontaine stated, getting complete radio silence from Laura. “Isn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s a good amount, but rent is 3 thousand a month. So, at the end of the day, it’s not really that much more.”

“Holy shit, I could buy a house at the end of the year if I saved 3 thousand each month.”

“Let’s not exaggerate, Danny. But, yeah, it’s a lot.” Laura shifted to lay on her side now, her elbow against the mattress and her hand resting on her palm. “How’s Toronto and how’s my favorite couple ever?”

“Ok, Perry and I are definitely not a couple.” LaFontaine said, defensive. Danny raised her eyebrows towards her. “What? We’re not.”

“Okay, sure, Jan. Well, Toronto is great but it’s not the same without you, Laur. It’s weird passing by your house and seeing those windows closed all the time.”

“I can totally relate to that. I get a little bit lonely on Friday nights without you guys sleeping over.” She pouted, but suddenly the feeling she totally wasn’t expecting to get again hit her.

_And, also, because Carmilla is not here to wake us up on Saturday morning with freshly baked waffles and hot chocolate from the neighborhood’s bakery._

“Laur? You okay? You kind of zoned out there for a second.” Laura heard LaFontaine calling her on the other side of the screen, taking her out of her mind.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She tried to disguise, but failed. “Just a memory attached to another memory, that’s all.”

“Carmilla, right?” Danny asked quietly, looking at Laura with the pity eyes the hazel-haired girl definitely hated. She nodded. “Okay, you guys _need_ to talk about your feelings. Like, you need to call her and tell her everything because I can’t see you hurting anymore.”

“I can’t, Danny. Don’t you understand that? It’s not fair. I can’t just call her and tell her how I feel over a phone call. I should’ve done it when I was still there, with her, looking face to face. I can’t just leave and come to her on a call and tell her I love her if I didn’t say it when I had the chance.” Laura’s voice cracked in the middle of the sentence. She expected the tears to come, but her eyes were dry.

_It was the first time in a month she hadn’t cried with the thought of Carmilla. Didn’t mean it wasn’t still hurting._

“Why, Laur? Why did you hide it from her? We all saw how head over heels she was for you.” _Was._ “She wouldn’t hurt you.”

“You know why, Danny. I was so fucking scared of everything. I had never been with someone before, let alone fall in love as much as I did.” Laura looked down, her free hand playing with a loose fiber on the blanket. “And there’s the thing with my father... Instead I was the one who hurt her.” Laura’s voice came out almost as a whisper.

“I remember when you first told us about her, Frosh.” LaFontaine started, trying to make Laura feel better with the good memories they’d shared along with Laura, trying to make all the bad ones go away. “We were just having a nice little pizza party and you just blurted it out.”

“Yeah, I remember that. Your cheeks got beet red.” Danny added, making Laura giggle.

It was a Saturday night and LaFontaine had invited themselves over to Laura’s place with three huge pizza boxes in hand without her concern. When she got home, she found the redhead waiting on her front porch with their arms crossed in front of their body.

“Laura Hollis, I rang this bell around two hundred times and I’ve tried to call you four times. I’ve been standing out here for fifteen minutes.”

“Well, it’s not my fault because it is _my_ house, isn’t it?” Laura teased, reaching for her keys in her pocket.

“It’s Friday. We always do our pizza nights on Fridays and you know that.” Laura blushed.

_Oh, shit,_ Laura thought to herself. She did know that and she completely forgot about it when Carmilla went to surprise her at her job with tickets to The Conjuring 2. Laura hated horror movies in so many levels, but how could she turn it down?

“Where were you anyways? It’s past seven and you get out at five.”

“Uh, just hanging out with some people from work.” Laura said quickly, stumbling on her words, trying to avoid the subject as she quickly opened the front door, letting them in.

“You hate everybody who works with you.” LaFontaine stated as they walked into the living room, confusion clear in their tone, eyebrows knitted together in suspicion. “What are you hiding from me, Hollis? You’re the journalist but I can figure things out, too. I played a lot of Detective when I was a kid, you know that?”

“What?” Laura said, her voice rising an octave. “What makes you think I’m hiding something?”

“Uh, first of all, that squeal of yours when you’re trying to disguise something or lying. Right now, you’re doing both. I know you like the palm of my hand, Laura Hollis.”

“I’m not lying or hiding anything.” Laura answered, still not daring to look into their eyes because she knew if she did, she’d break and all the attempts to hide it from them would go down the drain. She hung her jacket on the hanger behind the door, stretching an arm towards LaFontaine so they could hang their jacket as well. “And I totally forgot about our pizza thing tonight, I’m sorry. Where’s Danny?”

“On her way with the Nutella one.” They threw themselves on the couch, Laura humming in anticipated pleasure.

LaFontaine seemed to have forgotten about the subject because they started to talk about some new experiment they started, using frogs and silver oxide. Or silver oxide in frogs. Laura really wasn’t sure anymore at that point. Laura went quickly to her room and changed into her pajamas. She and LaFontaine were close enough and Laura didn’t feel the need to fill that weird silence that laid between them because it wasn’t weird or uncomfortable at all. At this point they were comfortable enough with each other that they didn’t need to make up small conversations. _LaFontaine was family._

As soon as Laura stepped back into the living room, she heard three knocks on the door followed by three rings on the doorbell.

“I got it!” LaFontaine yelled from the couch to Laura, who was preparing the mattress in the living room, right in front of the tv.

“Sorry it took me so long. I don’t really have an excuse, I just was really late.” Danny walked in, taking off her wet jacket and hanging on top of LaFontaine’s while they took the pizza box from her hands.

“Aren’t you always?” Laura murmured from the kitchen loud enough for the red-haired girl to hear. She walked towards them, throwing herself on the mattress, on the floor.

“Laura is hiding something and she won’t tell me.” LaFontaine dropped the ball. They watched as Laura’s jaw hung open and the pinkish color started to hit her cheeks. “She said she was hanging out with ‘people from work’ and that’s why she forgot about our pizza night.” They gestured the quotes with their fingers in the air. Danny turned her head to face Laura and the girl looked guilty as heck.

“You hate every single person there. Every single one.” Danny said, Laura still silent as a mouse.

“That’s what I said!”

“Spill it, Hollis!” Danny said firmly, staring at Laura. LaFontaine turned their gaze and fixed it on the girl, making her roll her eyes.

“Ugh, fine! It wasn’t anybody from Silas.” She admitted like she had just given them the full story they wanted.

Danny scoffed. “That we know. We want to know _who_ you were with.” Laura’s cheek started to get hot and she knew she couldn’t escape. “Your cheeks are, like, so red. This is amazing,” Danny rubbed her palms together with a mischievous smile.

“You don’t know her… I think. Both of you.” Laura said, hugging her arms to her chest, trying to hide her face behind her crossed arms.

“Try us,” LaFontaine teased.

Laura sighed deeply. _This is so mortifying._

“Remember when I told you guys that I was covering for Alice, so I had to interview an author?”

“Oh, my God,” Danny’s jaw dropped. “Laura, tell me you’re not going out with Carmilla Karnstein.”

“Ehh…” Laura shrieked. By now there wasn’t a single spot on her face that wasn’t covered in a dark red color.

“Wait, you what?! Carmilla? The woman who wrote _that_ book, which happens to be your favorite, which you also have a copy laying on that shel… Laura, why is there _two_ books laying on that shelf?” LaFontaine pointed to the shelf on top of the couch, noticing the brand-new copy right next to Laura’s old one.

“She gave me one. This one has an autograph.” Laura said as if it was obvious.

“So, are you guys like a thing? No, wait. How long have you guys been seeing each other?”

“We’re not _seeing_ each other. We’re just hanging out sometimes. After work.”

“ _’We’re not seeing each other’,”_ LaFontaine mocked, changing her voice as she tried to imitate Laura. “I believe you’re not wearing fucking blindfolds, so, yeah, you’re seeing each other. Literally.”

“Ok, Laf, bad joke,” Danny pointed out. “And, Laura. How long and why did you hide it from us? You’re going out with Carmilla Karnstein. I can’t believe it.”

“Not long, guys. I mean, almost two weeks, I believe? We’re just friends, that’s all.”

“Right. That blush on your face says exactly that.” Danny’s eyebrows rose to her hairline. She turned to LaFontaine and held out her hand.

“Guys, we’re just friends, that’s all.” Laura said impatiently. The discomfort with the thought made her shiver. “Let’s just eat, ok? The pizza is going to get cold.”

It freaked her out. It all made sense. How her cheeks started to burn as soon as she saw Carmilla, how her hands would tremble every time she texted her in the morning. How her whole body seemed to get weak when she touched her hand or tucked a strand of hair behind her ear whenever they were hanging out.

The memories from that day came back to Laura’s mind, but they were dispersed as she heard muffled voices calling out her name.

The videocall.

“Earth to Laura.” LaFontaine was snapping their fingers in front of the camera. She had zoned out to memory lane and hadn’t even noticed it.

“Yeah, hi guys,” she said, the sadness taking over her tone. She really missed them both, but right now she wasn’t in a mood to talk. _Especially about Carmilla._ “I’m a little bit tired, so I’m going to go, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Uh okay, Frosh. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up, Laura closing the laptop in front of her and pushing it away from her to rest her body entirely comfortably on the pillow.

_Better have her like that than not at all, right?,_ Will’s voice came echoing in her mind as she so desperately wanted to text Carmilla. She picked up her phone, staring at the blank screen.

With a sigh, she put it down again.

* * *

Perry’s muffled voice in the other room got louder as she walked into the living room, where Carmilla laid on the couch, TV playing some random channel, paying no attention whatsoever to it. She heard Perry’s steps getting louder.

“Yeah, no, I get it… She’s fine, I think so. At least it’s what she told me… Okay, tell her I said hi… Okay, I’ll see you soon. Bye.” Perry said softly, almost too in love even for her. Carmilla didn’t even bother to look back because she knew she was talking to LaFontaine on the phone. They’ve been hanging out since the day they first met and she had Laura and Carmilla to thank.

“Is the lab rat coming over?” Carmilla said sarcastically, but Perry knew the nicknames were only Carmilla’s way to show her love. Kind of.

“No, they’re, uhm…” Perry hesitated. She couldn’t mention that LaFontaine was video calling Laura or Laura’s name, for that matter. “Busy. Was. With Danny.”

“Danny?” Carmilla’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion only to rise suddenly to her hairline. “Oh, Xena.”

“Will you ever stop calling her that?” Perry reprehended as she sat on the couch, forcefully enough to bother Carmilla.

“I’m saying that she’s the lesbian princess or whatever, she should be flattered.”

“You’re so full of yourself.” Perry complained, kicking her leg gently.

The only noise in the room was coming from the television. Carmilla, curious as she was, wanted to ask Perry if they were talking about Laura. If Laura was the one that’s okay. Carmilla knew she was just fine, but she just wanted to be sure. More than that, Carmilla wished she could _talk_ to Laura, hear her soft voice through the phone. It’s been a month. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt that much. _Would it?_

“Is Laura okay?” Carmilla asked in a puff, not daring to move her eyes from the tv in front of her, even though the words coming out from the people’s mouths made no sense for her at that moment. Her head was spinning just with the thought of Laura being anything but okay.

“What?”

“Is Laura okay?” Carmilla repeated. “LaFontaine was talking to her, wasn’t she? With Danny?”

“I don’t know, maybe.” Perry did her best to avoid it without sounding to obvious, which was a high fail. She couldn’t lie to Carmilla. The years of experience in knowing when one of them was telling nothing but the truth wouldn’t let her. Carmilla moved her head to stare at her, almost begging her to tell her the truth. _Just tell her that Laura is okay._ “Yes.”

“ _Yes_ as in ‘yes, they were talking to her’ or ‘yes, Laura is fine’?”

“Yes, they were talking to her.” Totally not the answer Carmilla was hoping to hear.

Carmilla swallowed hard, feeling her saliva cutting her closed throat like a knife. Perry didn’t look at her, but Carmilla’s gaze weighted too much for her to just ignore it. Perry knew she would have to tell Carmilla because the dark-haired girl wouldn’t let it go. Wouldn’t let _her_ go without telling her about Laura. Did she have the right, though? Could she just walk away and hide it from Carmilla? Maybe, yes, but that wouldn’t be her.

“Per, please.” She heard Carmilla begging, her voice barely as a whisper.

“Carm, I don’t know.”

“ _Please”_ She begged again.

With a sigh, she finally looked at Carmilla, whose eyes were filled with hope and anxiety.

“LaFontaine and Danny were in a video chat with her and LaF said that Laura _seemed_ to be fine, but when they mentioned your name her features changed.” Perry tried to say it as gently as she could, but she saw Carmilla flinching just the slightest. She started playing with the wounded corner of her nails, pulling out the loose skin. “They said they mentioned the first time she told them about you and suddenly she zoned out, said she was too tired and hung up. But that was it.”

Carmilla ran her fingers through her hair in pure defeat, her eyes down as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears, threatening to roll down, where they were. Perry immediately regretted telling Carmilla, but it was completely out of her hands. She would’ve found out about it sooner or later anyways. The dark-haired girl let out a sigh. A relieved sigh.

“So, she’s fine?”

“Seemed to be. But like I said…”

“Yeah, I know what you said. God, I wish I could just end all of this. The hurting.”

“You’re only hurting this much because you refuse to talk to her about your feelings, Carm.”

“Not mine, hers. _Her_ hurting. I couldn’t care less about me.” Carmilla blurted out. “I really thought she was fine, Per. Really fine, not just when she puts her walls up again.”

“How could she, Carm?”

Carmilla scoffed. “Right.” She whispered to herself. She thought she had whispered it only to herself.

“Carmilla. Why do you refuse to see that that girl loves you more than anything in her life? Why do you refuse to believe every word she says? You said she ran from that park. She ran, Carmilla. She probably couldn’t look you in the eyes because it hurt too much. She _begged_ you to ask her to stay. Why do you refuse to see that she loves you, Carmilla?”

It was too much. Carmilla knew all of that. Carmilla knew she refused to see it, even when it was right under her nose that Laura did have feelings for her, the strongest of the feelings. But she’s got baggage. She was so used to being this sad, broken shell that she didn’t know how to be anything else.

“Because I’m too fucked up to see that Laura is not Ell. Laura didn’t break my heart the way Ell did. The wounds are, in a way, still too recent.”

“So, let Laura heal them. You know she wants to, now it’s up to you to give her a chance to.”

Carmilla hadn’t even realized she was crying until Perry wiped the trail of tears on her cheek with the back of her hand. The red-haired girl had shifted closer to Carmilla, staring straight into her dark eyes. Carmilla nodded. Perry was right. She couldn’t keep holding her feelings inside anymore just because she thought Laura was fine. She would never know if she didn’t talk to her and if that was the answer to the question, she had to do it, even if it hurt.

“At least something good came out of all this,” Carmilla said. Perry looked at her in confusion. “You and the lab rat.”

“Carmilla, stop calling them that.”

“Am I wrong?”

“No, but stop.” Perry said, defensively. She smiled with the memory that came to her head. “Remember the first time we all went out together? That was fun.”

“Yeah, I do.” Carmilla replied gently, a small tug on her lips. The first sincere smile in days. “Laura was so beautiful that night. And you were totally head over heels for LaF, right at first sight.”

“Excuse me, I was not.” Perry’s voice rose an octave. “It was the first time I saw you legitimately happy after so long. You seemed like a teenager.”

“The Laura effect.” She chuckled lightly, the memories coming alive in her head. “Thank you, Per. I needed that punch in my face to wake some things up. I’m going to talk to her.”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Carmilla stood up and smiled lightly at Perry before heading to her bedroom.

There, she grabbed her notepad and her favorite pen, sat at her desk and let the words slip out of the tip of her pen.

* * *

_Toronto, January 29 th, 2019._

_Everything happens for a reason, you know that? I believe you do. You were the one who told me that phrase over and over again. Right now, you’re in New York and I’m sitting on my desk with a heartache but that’s fine because my best friend is sitting on that couch, in her spot that I don’t even dare to sit on, smiling immensely because she was just on the phone with LaFontaine. And then she told me that you were talking to them and Danny on a video chat. At that moment I felt my heart dropping to my stomach and all I could really think about was if you were okay. Really okay, not just okay as a quick reply to some stranger on the street. We started talking and I went down full memory lane and, just like every other one that you’re in, I couldn’t help the smile growing and that small tremble on my cheeks for keeping my muscles contracted for too long._

_Almost a month had passed since our first date and in between we had already gone out a lot of times, not always alone though._

_We were texting for over 40 minutes straight, messages being replied almost instantaneously. I was curled up in a blanket that was doing nothing to warm my body the way I needed it to, only with my hands out while Perry told me something about one of her students dropping all of their apple juice on their t-shirt._

_“Have you been listening to a word I’m saying?” Perry yelled at me from behind the kitchen counter and I just shook my head no._

_“Mhm”_

_“What’s on that phone that you won’t even answer me like a decent human being?” I didn’t see her walking towards me. She took my phone from my hands in a sudden movement and read what was on the screen. “Uh, it’s Laura.” She sang._

_“Shut up and give it back!”_

_“I’ll just say hi.” She started typing something and I swear to God I was scared that she would say something dumb or that was none of her business because that’s just Perry, but thank god she didn’t._

_‘Hi Laura! It’s Perry’, I read when she gave me the phone back. I huffed at her and she stuck her tongue out at me, like a 5-year-old._

_‘Hi, Perry!’, you answered. I remember yelling to Perry that you said hi, but got no response from the redhead. ‘Also, Carm, my friends are inviting us to go to a bar, wanna come? Tell Perry to come too!’_

_‘Us?’, I typed back. I remember feeling so anxious with the thought of people already using one single word to refer to both of us._

_‘Yes, as in you and me. So, what do ya say?’_

_‘Well, fine by me. I just have to ask Perry. (No, I don’t. She’s going.)’_

_‘It’s like you own that woman.’_

_‘I do.’_

_‘Ok, bossy lady, we’re meeting up at the Anglerfish at 7pm. Do you know where it is?’_

_‘I sure do. Knowing Perry, we’ll be there at 7:30pm.’_

_‘Considering that you were late to the last four times we went out, I’ll take it that you’ll leave your place at 7:30pm and meet us at 8pm’_

_‘You know me so well, cupcake.’_

_I told Perry we were going out and, even though she refused until last minute, we got there at 7:15pm, which wasn’t so bad. Perry had never been there and she was amazed by the place, how cozy it was and also the prices. Kindergarten teacher, you know?_

_As soon as we walked in, we quickly spotted your table. Well, I spotted it. I could spot you from a hundred miles away. You looked incredibly beautiful that night and I don’t even know why because you were wearing your usual jeans and a white t-shirt with a rainbow on it. All the lights were turned on, but it was really your smile that was lighting up the place. You turned your head out of pure habit as you took a sip of your drink and caught sight of us walking weirdly towards your table filled with friends._

_“Carm!” You shouted and waved at us to come (faster) to the table. And, of course, you were smiling. “Hi, Perry! These are LaFontaine, Danny and the tall man-boy over there is Kirsch.”_

_We waved hello to all of them before we sat. I had already met them all a couple of days before that when I came over, but Perry was big news to all of them. You shifted to the side so I could fit on the bench with you, leaving Perry to sit next to LaFontaine as Danny and Kirsch shared another one. If I may mention, I really like that display of chairs at the Anglerfish. Three booths that fit two people around a table? Sounds pretty good to me._

_“What are we drinking?” I said as soon as I sat on the cushioned bench._

_“We are drinking alcohol,” Danny started, pointing to herself, LaFontaine and Kirsch. She shot her eyes at Laura and her way too clear drink and rose her eyebrows to her hairline. “Laura is drinking bubbly water with lemon.”_

_“I’m not going to judge this time because it’s actually very tasty.” I said. You looked at me and then at Danny with your ‘I win’ face. “But creampuff, why? Just… why?”_

_“I was waiting for you!” You said all defensively and I melted with that stupid grin on my face._

_“Ok, in this case, you’re safe.” I answered you and it was the first time I really saw you that night._

_How you had applied just a little bit of makeup and that cat eyeliner that I still don’t know how to do perfectly like you, your lips all glossy with the glitter-y pink lipstick you had applied. Your eyes looked tired, but, yeah, they always did when you worked extra hours at Silas. I don’t know for how long I kept staring at you, but you smiled at me and looked down at your lap, your cheeks pink, that color that is not their natural ones._

_“Carmilla, don’t leave the guy waiting.” Perry kicked me under the table, taking my attention off of you. I looked up and saw the waiter with a small pad of post-its in hand, just waiting to take my order._

_“Uh, sorry. I’ll have a beer, for now.”_

_“For now? Does that mean you’re drinking distilled drinks later?” LaFontaine asked like it wasn’t obvious._

_“Duh?”_

_“Did you know that if you mix fermented drinks with distilled ones you can get twice as drunk in half of the time?”_

_“And your point?”_

_“Okay, then. Just don’t complain to Laura over text tomorrow when your head’s just as heavy as a bowling ball.”_

_“Laura, can you tell them to mind their own business?” I said jokingly and thank God LaFontaine is the most wonderful person on Earth and understood my sense of humor since the first day I met them._

_“Laura, can you tell her to have some respect for her brain cells? If she still has any left?”_

_“You think you’re so clever, don’t you, lab rat?”_

_“Ok, guys, enough.” You tried to ease the conversation._

_“No, Laura! It just got interesting.” Danny complained from the other side and you stuck your tongue out to her, just like a child. You and Perry are so much alike…_

_“LaF totally destroyed you with that last one, angry hottie.” Kirsch opened his mouth for the first time that day. Or he had before, I just didn’t pay that much attention to it because I was too distracted by you._

_“Call me that again and I’ll end you.” I tried to sound as broody as possible, but that really didn’t work out because he just shrugged and sipped on his beer. I was always so mean to Kirsch, poor boy, but I really do love him._

_You chuckled, which is my favorite sound/noise ever, and Perry said something that I really don’t remember, but as the conversation went, I felt your hand brushing against my thigh. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then I felt your entire hand just resting on top of it, sliding just the slightest towards the inside part, next to my knee. I stiffed in place and I don’t know if you noticed it or not, because you didn’t move your hand. I looked at you and you were so invested in the conversation, smiling and laughing at some bad joke Danny made about that place having the name of a fish. My heart immediately got warmer. My stomach churned. That tingly feeling in my chest and on the tip of my fingers that so desperately wanted to touch your hand and grab it._

_So, I did it._

_I took another sip of my beer, put it down on the table and lowered my hand until it met yours. I took your hand in mine and, in one movement, entwined our fingers and rested our intertwined hands on my thigh, where your hand rested before. The movement seemed to take you by surprise because you jumped, just the slightest, and looked at our hands in my lap and then you smiled at me like I had just said the most beautiful words like a poem, the title being your name. You rubbed my finger with your thumb and, just like that, you turned your attention back to whoever was speaking at that moment because I couldn’t concentrate on anything else._

_Even if it seemed so, it wasn’t the first time we shared physical contact. I had kissed your cheek before. I had kissed your forehead after you fell asleep on my arm. I was always wrapping an arm around your neck or hugging you with only one arm whenever we were laying on the mattress, watching a movie on your living room, but our hands, our palms had never met each other’s. It was like a current of electricity ran over my spine and my entire body and adrenaline had been released in an enormous amount._

_That’s what you do to me, Laura. Just the thought of that feeling again makes me cringe because I miss it so fucking much._

_The rest of the night went like that. Someone would make a joke or you’d tell us about something bad that happened at work, then Perry would add a bad job experience, then LaFontaine would tell us about an experiment gone wrong with some amphibian and Kirsch… Well, it’s Kirsch. He probably told some story about a time when he went to make a sandwich and there was no cheese left anymore._

_A kiss to your cheek. Your head resting against my shoulder. Your laughter towards me every time I simply laughed._

_“You’re so beautiful”, you whispered in my ear and then kissed my jawline softly at some point and I was dizzy for a second. I looked at you and you had your chin resting against my shoulder and that smile that I love on your face, right before you turned your head to listen to LaFontaine again._

_That’s when I knew. There was no coming back from where I was because I was probably too far gone on you to ever come back._

_Suddenly your entire body stiffened and you let go of me so fast that lightyears would be jealous. I looked at you and I saw nothing but fear. You seemed like you were about to cry and I didn’t understand why. At first, I thought I had hurt you somehow, but then I saw your features change from concern to a fake smile as you gulped when you saw who was coming towards our table. Towards you._ _“_

_Hi, Laura! It’s so nice to see you again after so long. How’s your father doing?” A tall man approached our table and you made sure to be the politest you could be. He was probably in his fifties, way too well dressed for a Wednesday night._

_“Hi, Mr. Belmonde! He’s doing great, thank you for asking. How’s Michelle doing? I heard she got into Harvard.” I thought I heard your voice cracking, but I’m not sure if I was hearing things that weren’t there or if you were just scared to death of that man._

_“Yes, she did. Law school. You already graduated from Journalism school, right?” You nodded lightly. “We need to catch up. Tell your father to call me, will you?”_

_“Of course! See you soon.”_

_“Who’s that?” I asked quietly since everybody else didn’t seem to notice the sudden vibe change._ _“_

_My father’s best friend. He lives in Montreal, but he’s always around.” You said nonchalantly, straightening your posture, but this time your hand didn’t come back to mine anymore. You looked terrified and I didn’t understand why at that time._

_The entire night you kept looking around like if you were looking for someone, waiting for someone that never came. You dodged from me the entire night and I thought that you might just be tired or something because well, you had done an extra hour that day and it was already past 11pm, so I really didn’t mind. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t confused on why. I thought that maybe he intimidated you because he had the ability to do it, even though he seemed like a nice man._

_When we left, you still seemed terrified. You looked around covertly before you hugged me goodbye. You may think I didn’t notice, but I did. When you got home, you texted me and told me you were sorry, that you were tired and would call me again in the morning. We talked some more and you seemed fine, being the loving girl that you always were with me. So, I thought ‘okay, she was just tired or the guy really shook her’ and I let it go._

_Maybe I shouldn’t have let it go. Maybe I should’ve asked you about him and why you were keeping a distance from me if five minutes ago you were just fine. It’s the small details that sometimes make all the difference, but, like I said at the beginning: everything happens for a reason._

_Not always for the good ones._

_Today Perry said that LaFontaine told her that you seemed fine, but as soon as they mentioned my name you changed. Are you afraid of me, of us, like you were of your father’s best friend or do you just miss me enough to shake with your emotions? Because I do miss you a lot and I wish you were here, right now, to see the mess that I am as I write this so you could know that it doesn’t matter, Laura. The rest of the world doesn’t matter when you’re with me. You’re the only thing I need and you’re the only person that can mend this broken shell back together._

_But everything will be fine, as long as you are too._

_I wish you could hear me saying that I love you. That I love you with all my heart and my being. Would that ease the pain in your chest? In your heart?_

_I hope you’re okay today, even if hearing my name caused you pain. I’m so sorry if it did._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for being so kind with your comments! You guys truly are the best! Hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you next Saturday :)  
> Tt: @karnscarm


	6. All The Stars We Steal From the Nightsky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where, back in the day, Carmilla hates her birthday, but how could she when she’s celebrating it with Laura? As in the present time, Carmilla still hates her birthday, but this time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I really, REALLY love this chapter and I really hope you will too. I can’t guarantee that it’s sadness-free, but I also can’t guarantee that it isn’t. So, get yourselves comfortable and get to reading!

Perry gently kicked the door open, the silver plate under the cake leaving marks on her arms as she walked into Carmilla’s room. The dark-haired girl was still sleeping, her messy hair spread all over the pillow.

“Happy birthday to you…” Perry started to sing quietly, in a whisper, but Carmilla didn’t even move. “Happy birthday to you…” She tried to sing a little bit louder, seeing Carmilla shifting awake. “Happy birthday dear Carm, happy birthday to you!”

“What are you doing?” Carmilla murmured, face still buried in her pillow and eyes shut.

“It’s your birthday, broody human. Get up!”

“No,” Carmilla growled, kicking her foot in the air. Perry rolled her eyes.

“I baked you red velvet.” Perry watched Carmilla’s eyes widen in a sudden movement, making the ginger let out a giggle.

“What’s a sleep and who needs it?” Carmilla sat up on the bed way too quick, her eyes staring at the cake. Perry gave Carmilla the plate and pulled out two forks from her pocket. Carmilla grabbed a bite and hummed in pleasure as the sweet taste met her tongue. “Jesus Christ, I’m so grateful for this meal I’m enjoying. Thank you so much, Jesus, for Perry.”

“Oh, don’t come kissing my ass now.” Perry hit her leg. “What are our plans for tonight? I’ll be home by 5.”

“Our plan is to watch Netflix until we pass out.” Carmilla mumbled, her mouth still full with the red dough and white filling. “I really don’t feel like doing anything, just like every other year. I just want to be here, eating this cake.”

“Carm, you only turn 23 once.” Perry said between bites. A soft memory came to her mind, but she quickly snapped out of it.

“Right, because I turned 22 twice.” Carmilla snapped, sarcasm making its presence clear in her tone, feeling pure dejà vu at that moment. “Really, Per, it’s fine. I just… Don’t like my birthday that much, that’s all.”

“I know, but we always spent it together, doing something other than stuffing our faces with greasy food and watching bad movies on Netflix. Ever since we were kids, we spend _your_ birthday and _my_ birthday together, Carm..”

_Except for last year._

“Please!” Perry clasped her hands together. “I’ll make you fried rice with chicken for lunch.”

Carmilla sighed, putting the fork down. She stared at Perry for a few seconds before she rolled her eyes in response to Perry’s lost dog eyes. There was no way she could talk Perry out of it.

“Fine,” Carmilla squinted her eyes, watching Perry’s face glow in excitement. “But just for the food.”

“It’s always just for the food, Carmilla.”

“You know me so well.” Carmilla smiled sadly before she took another bite, Perry watching all of her features changing.

“Carm, I know you don’t like your birthday and all, but _this_ that I’m seeing right now has nothing to do with you being one year older.”

“It’s nothing,” she stood up, putting her fork down before she disappeared through the door. Carmilla spotted the clock hanging on the wall. “You woke me up before ten?! _On my birthday?_ How very dare you, Lola Perry.”

“Carmilla, don’t change the subject.”

Perry knew why. Last year Carmilla had gently stood Perry up to spend her birthday with Laura. It was the first time they’d spend it separated and if Perry was being honest, she really didn’t mind because Carmilla was _so_ happy that day. She seemed to have forgotten about her unknown hate towards her day of birth and was genuinely excited to enjoy the day. The ginger wasn’t trying to tug at her heartstrings in any way, but she did want Carmilla to express what she was feeling. The dark-haired girl was used to push her feelings down and Perry knew how much it had hurt Carmilla before.

“I’m not! I’m mad because I’m awake before ten.” She shouted from the hallway, her voice somehow muffled but still seemed to echo through the house. Even if Carmilla was in the other room, Perry could hear Carmilla’s frustration. She showed up and walked back into the room, her features hadn’t change but the vibe surely had. “Since you woke me up along with the chickens, I’ll make some changes to my playlist because I have upcoming bars to play.”

“Carm…”

Carmilla finally stop walking around and looked at Perry, that sad smile on her face that Perry knew she couldn’t change a thing about.

“I’m fine, Per. Really. This year we can go to the pub I played at last week. I heard a Paramore band cover is playing there tonight.”

“If that’s what you’d like, who am I to say no?

* * *

It was Laura’s lunch break and she had already spent thirty minutes of it wondering if she should call Carmilla or just text her. The thought of hearing Carmilla’s voice had such ambiguous impacts on Laura and she didn’t know if she was ready to deal with the mess she’d become later, but she _definitely_ needed the boost of happiness that it’d also bring to her. Half of an eaten bagel and a huge cup of coffee in hands, Laura sat at one of the hall tables, staring at the window as her nails tapped against the screen of her phone impatiently. Her legs were bouncing under the table.

“What are we anxious about?” Will sat on the chair next to Laura and she only realized it when she heard his voice.

“What?”

“You keep bouncing your leg up and down nonstop and also that annoying noise of fingers against glass.” Will pointed out. Still not enough to make her stop. He pressed the palm of his hand against Laura’s knee, forcing it to stop moving. “Seriously, stop.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I’m just so lost right now.”

“Shoot.”

“It’s her birthday. She doesn’t like it, but I don’t want to just not talk to her. I don’t know if I should text her or call her because, uhm, I don’t know, I don’t think I can handle hearing her voice. But I so desperately need to hear her voice. But, again, she doesn’t like her birthday, so I don’t know if I should even talk to her.”

“Call her.” he said with a shrug.

“But what if she gets mad or something?”

“Laura, first of all, it’s _you._ She won’t get mad because you remembered her birthday. Secondly, you told me how she spent her last birthday and if memory serves me correctly, you were pretty much the reason she smiled the whole time.” Will’s words seemed to sooth Laura’s feelings, calming every bit of her. Her stomach wasn’t churning anymore with the thought of her fingers typing Carmilla’s number and pressing dial.

“Are you sure?”

“It’s not up to me, kitty cat. You know what your heart is telling you, you just refuse to listen.”

Laura sighed deeply before she had the courage to take her phone from the table and press the random numbers that formed Carmilla’s phone number. She looked at Will like if she was lost and he just simply gave her a reassuring look.

“It’s going to be fine,” he mouthed. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Please, don’t.” She mouthed back.

The line rang once, twice, three, four times. Each ring made Laura want to throw up, but at the fifth the line when mute and she heard muffled noises and the raspy voice that came after made her eyes water.

 _“Hello?”_ Her voice was uncertain. Laura knew that Carmilla knew it was her calling, but the uncertainty in her voice made her question if she still even had her phone number saved on her contacts.

Laura froze. Will squeezed her hand gently and something inside Laura seemed to click.

 _“Hi, Carm. It’s me, Laura._ ” She didn’t know it would be this hard to speak out and not let her voice crack, but she managed.

 _“I know,”_ she could almost hear Carmilla’s smile. _“I could recognize that voice anywhere. And I also have your phone number on my contact list.”_

Laura smiled. She felt that small tug on her cheeks as soon as she heard Carmilla.

_I could recognize that voice anywhere._

_“Uh, I just called to say that… Uhm…”_

_“Spill it out, Hollis.”_ She seemed almost impatient, but Laura knew better. It was just the way Carmilla was. Even with her. Especially on her birthday.

 _“Happy birthday, Carm.”_ She smiled and she was absolutely sure that, on the other side, Carmilla had also smiled, but rolled her eyes as well. _“I know you don’t like your birthday and that I’m probably making you mad, but I couldn’t just let it pass.”_

_“Thank you, cupcake. And it’s fine, really. Perry has already bothered me enough for a month. She woke me up. Before ten.”_

_“Oh, no.”_

_“She baked me a red velvet cake with cream cheese filling, but if she thinks that’ll make up for it, she’s kind of correct. Sort of. Not totally.”_ Laura giggled. It was so, _so_ good hearing her voice and her crappy way to talk about her best friend. Oh, God, how she missed that woman. She hadn’t even realized the tears running down her face until she felt the back of Will’s hand wipe her cheek. _“Hearing your voice actually made me a little bit less annoyed.”_

_Hearing your voice, somehow, healed all the open wounds since I came here._

_“Tell Perry she can thank me later,”_ Laura joked.

She swallowed hard around eight times before she let the words slip out of her mouth.

 _“I miss you, Carm. A lot.”_ She stared down at the table, twisting a ripped piece of napkin on her fingers. She looked up, trying to contain the tears she was now aware of, but with no success.

The line went mute for a second. She thought she heard Carmilla sniff.

_Maybe it was just background noise. Maybe it was just Perry moving something._

She heard it again.

_Definitely a sniff._

Laura took a deep breath, soothing the hiccup that came along with it. The regret of saying too much was eating her alive, but now it was there. She couldn’t erase it a hundred times like she did with the texts.

 _“I miss you too, Laura. A lot. I wish you were here… Fuck.”_ She heard Carmilla swearing in a whisper that the dark-haired girl thought Laura wouldn’t hear. Another sniff. _“I miss you. A lot.”_

Laura thought something was stuck in her throat, but she couldn’t physically take it out. No matter how many times she swallowed, it wouldn’t get out. Her legs had come back to bouncing.

 _“Carmilla, where’s the olive oil?”_ Laura heard Perry’s voice in the background, almost too muffled for her to hear. She seemed annoyed when she didn’t get an answer back. _“Carmilla? Get your ass here!”_

Laura heard Carmilla growling. Actually growling.

_“Uh, I have to go. Thanks for the birthday wishes. Wish.”_

_“Uh, yeah, sure. I can almost smell Perry frying that rice.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“She’s making fried rice for you, right? I mean, she’s already baked your favorite cake. She always does it for you on your birthday. She told me once.”_

_“Yes, she is. With chicken, this time.”_ She thought she had heard Carmilla smiling again. Maybe she was indeed smiling.

Laura smiled and the smell of Perry’s cooking invaded her memories.

_“Bye, Carm.”_

_“Bye, Laur.”_

The line went mute again almost too fast for Laura, even though the calling was still going for another twelve seconds after they said their goodbyes. She put her phone down, seeing the dots her tears had left on the table. Will had been rubbing his hand gently against her arm the entire time and Laura didn’t know if it actually helped or if it was all of the Carmilla’s effect on her. Maybe a little bit of both.

_I love you, Carmilla._

_Fuck._

She tapped on some icons until Perry’s name popped up on her texts window.

**_Laura (12:07PM): Hey, Per. I know you’ve been Carm’s best friend for like, a lifetime, but I just wanted to let you know that she likes your fried rice better when you add garlic._ **

* * *

_Toronto, February 8 th, 2019._

_I just came home from a night out with Perry and I should’ve known it was a bad idea because she made the band (it was a Paramore cover band) sing happy birthday to me and the place was absolutely crowded. I don’t know how I didn’t commit a hate crime, but now I’m home and safe from more public embarrassment. It wasn’t a complete disaster, though. Perry really made all the efforts to try to make me feel better and I’d say it was pretty good. The efforts, I mean._

_You called me today._

_I heard your voice after so long and I didn’t know I needed to hear it until I did. I broke into tears. I broke because I know you didn’t want to do all those things and yet you sounded so hurt, so guilty, like if you had just hurt someone, even though none of it is your fault. I think in a way you still think you hurt me that much, so much that you just can’t forgive yourself for it, but it’s okay, Laur, really. You had your reasons and I understand them all, seriously. I only wish you had told me sooner. We could’ve fought it all together._

_I didn’t see anything exactly that reminded me of my last birthday with you, just the date alone did its job. Don’t be offended, please, but it was actually good to have a distraction for my mind for a while and a thought that doesn’t contain your name in it. This time was completely different from last year, but I wish you were here with me._

_“Carm, we’re going out today.” You were SO excited and I remember rolling my eyes at the thought._

_I never liked my birthday, for reasons unknown to this day. I just don’t understand what’s all of that fuss about. I made the mistake of telling you that._

_“No, we are not. We’re just staying in, eating Perry’s food, laying on this couch.” I pulled you closer, but you dodged from me and sat up straight._

_“Carmilla. It’s your birthday. You only turn 22 once.”_

_“Did I turn 21 twice?” I quirked an eyebrow, sarcasm dripping from the corner of my mouth. You rolled your eyes, standing up and dusting off whatever it was from your black sweater._

_“We’re going. And you’re also lucky I’m not shouting to Taylor Swift’s, ‘22’ right now.”_

_“Please, don’t.” I begged, but when have you ever listened to me?_

_“Uh, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two, ooh ooh!” You started to dance around, throwing your hands up in the air._

_“If I agree to go, will you stop singing?” I shouted louder than you (which, girl, is hard), and you just nodded frantically. “Fine. We’re going wherever you want us to go. Where is it?”_

_“It’s a surprise.” You said._

_“I hate surprises.”_

_“Too bad.”_

_You took me to a planetarium._

_I remember mentioning once or twice how much I liked the stars and the planets whenever you caught me staring at the night sky and yet you remembered it. It took Perry almost two years to remember that I liked it, but you memorized it in such a short time._

_You were wearing your white sweatshirt and black skinny jeans and, of course, your white toque. You went ahead of me and bought two tickets for the entire show, almost three hours total. The sparkle in your eyes when you walked back to me and gave me one of the tickets was surreal. It was almost like it was your birthday instead of mine._

_“Come on, Carm! There’s so much to see,” you took me by the hand and pulled me inside the giant dome._

_As soon as we got inside, my jaw hung ajar with the view. Every little spot was covered with stars and constellations and its name under each one. I didn’t even know there were that many galaxies like it was presented that day. Milky way. All the planets in 3D form, 4K quality. My eyes shifted from the view and landed on you, the same amazed expression on your face._

_It went like that for the whole three hours we spent watching the panels and everything else that exposition had to offer. We watched the young lady talking about how Orion was also known as the Great Hunter because, based off the Greek mythology, the constellation was early viewed by a Greek astronomer as a hunter seeking to slay its neighbor constellation, Taurus the Bell. But you already knew that. She also told us how you can easily see Cassiopeia in the sky at night because of its five bright stars and also because it has a shape of a W, that the constellation was based off an Ethiopian queen who was known by her vanity and beauty._

_But, again: of course you already knew that._

_You had your arm hooked on mine, my hands in my jacket pockets, yours as well. Our fingers intertwined inside, keeping our fingertips from freezing. Every time I felt your thumb brushing against my skin my heart would skip a beat. Every time your fingers spasmed for no reason and you moved them, adjusting them to the small space between my own and looked up at me and smiled, I forgot everything and it was just you, me and that beautiful smile of yours._

_You spotted the convenience store. All kinds of souvenirs. Mugs shaped in planet forms, notepads with constellations, necklaces with planets and stars of your choice._

_You saw a golden star. It wasn’t big, but it was definitely something that would catch someone’s attention if they walked into a room. You let go of me and I immediately felt the change, the lost of warmth when your hand left mine. It was like an anesthesia, because as soon as our skin lost contact I could almost feel my fingers hurting in desperation for more._

_“Carm! Oh, my God!” You squealed, staring at the decoration on the counter. I walked in closer and took in every detail. It was a snow globe, but in a shape of a star. A snow star, I’d say. Inside of it, there was a map with coordinates to the sky on some random day where you could see Orion perfectly in the sky, all three stars shining so brightly. “This is so beautiful. Did you like it?”_

_It was very beautiful, indeed. But when I checked the price tag my heart almost stopped for real._

_“Jesus Christ, I could buy a house with that amount of money.”_

_“You really have no notion whatsoever of money value, do you?” I knew you were kidding, but something inside me told me you were not. “But did you?”_

_“Did I what?”_

_“Like it!”_

_“Yes, cutie,” I answered. “But don’t you even dare. I swear I’ll walk away and leave you here alone.”_

_“Carm! It’s your birthday! I haven’t gotten you anything.”_

_“And it will stay like this. Come on, let’s go get something to eat.”_

_“Carm!” You bounced on your feet, just like a child would do if they were throwing a tantrum, with a small pout._

_“Laura, no.”_

_A mischievous smile grew on your face and my mind immediately went ‘oh-oh’. The lady who was taking care of that convenience store/stand/whatever-that-was wasn’t there and there wasn’t anyone else taking care of it, so you just grabbed the snow star/snow globe and put it inside a clothed back that was just laying on top of the counter and ran away, giggling like a child. My eyes went the widest they could be as I looked around to see if anyone had seen it, but lucky for you, no one had. You waved at me to follow you outside and I couldn’t think of anything else than to just do it. We passed through security, some panelists and then we were finally outside, my heart racing like crazy and you with that silly smile and a stolen star from a planetarium._

_“Are you fucking crazy?” I said, still a little out of breath due to the jogging. (Seriously, I’m not in shape for that, creampuff. A little warning next time so I can prepare my lungs will be great.) “Laura! That’s stealing!”_

_“No shit, Sherlock.” You rolled your eyes as we walked farther from the exposition. “I got it for you. I know you would have not let me pay for it. Also, nobody saw it. I don’t think there are cameras in a tent.”_

_“Laura, you could retire with the price of that thing.”_

_“Again, your zero notion of money worth is hilarious.” You mocked, tucking your hand again in mine. This time it wasn’t inside the pocket. “But I know you liked it. And I wanted to get it for you. Even if it’s stolen.”_

_“Thank you, cupcake.” I smiled and leaned closer to give you a kiss on your cheek and I remember the thought of being that close to your lips almost made me dizzy. “You’re impossible!” I said and, as you hugged me, I felt your body shivering from the cold breeze. “And cold. Come on, let’s get you home. It’s late, anyways.”_

_We walked to the bus station, the slowest of the paces. It was starting to get dark out and the streets were almost empty. You hand never left mine. Maybe because it was so fucking cold and you needed the warmth. Maybe you liked the thought of the contact. I’m still stuck on the second option. We didn’t speak much. Sometimes I’d just hear your uneven breath and the coughs followed by them because you have bronchitis and the cold is a killer for your lungs. You told me you’re allergic to shrimp and I wasn’t even surprised._

_We waited for about 10 minutes, your bus was already late by 4. I looked down at you and your gaze was stuck on me, your arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I smiled at you and you didn’t even flinch._

_“What?” I said quietly, too drawn in you to be able to raise my voice._

_That’s when I knew, Laura. I knew that the feeling of my blood pressure dropping any minute just with the sight of you wasn’t just something usual. The feeling of losing strength in my legs every time you kissed my cheek and let your lips brush against the corner of my mouth wasn’t just because you’re a beautiful woman – it was just because it’s YOU. You do all those things to me. You make me feel like a teenager who thinks love is the most beautiful thing on Earth because, with you, it is. You make it seem too easy and beautiful and painless. Even if you probably think otherwise._

_I don’t know how it happened, I just remember being so close to your face that I could feel the hot air coming out from your slightly parted lips on my cheek, biting on my bottom lip because I wanted to kiss you so bad. You were right there, I just needed to lean a little bit closer._

_I did._

_The sound of the bus pulling over startled you._

_You pulled away from me too quickly, looking back at the number on the bus. It was yours._

_“That’s my bus,” you said, still trying to catch your breath. “I have to go.”_

_“Yeah,” I said under my breath._

_“I’ll see you later, Carm.”_

_“Thanks for today, Laur.”_

_You smiled and walked away. Got into the bus. Sat on the window seat and waved me goodbye as I watched you leave. I was left with my heart beating hard against my sternum and all the butterflies in my stomach, holding a clothed bag with the star you stole for me. The tingly sensation on my lips and my fingertips with the absence of you._

_Kind of what I’m feeling now. The absence of you that I can physically feel. Not just how I remember it was, but how it is now that you’re not here. It’s like my body knows how to function in a certain way and, even though it has functioning without you for a long time, now that it knows you, it suddenly doesn’t know how to deal with the lack of your touch anymore._

_You know I don’t like my birthday, but last year I didn’t want the day to end. And when it did, when you got home and you weren’t with me, the day was just another ordinary one, but darker. You’re light, Laura._

_And since you left I’m so fucking tired of being in the dark all the time._

_I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have Perry. I really hope you found someone in New York to be your Perry, to be your person. Just to make sure you’re okay._

_After a month, I’m finally able to sleep at night without dreaming that you’re by my side. It was painful to wake up. I hope you’re doing okay and getting enough sleep, which may be controversial considering the job that you have._

_(Ps.: Perry added garlic to the fried rice. You’re the only one who knows I like it. You know me so well it’s almost surreal. Thank you, cupcake.)_

_I miss you like crazy._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

* * *

“It was that night, Will. That night I was so drawn to her features, her perfume, her touch. Everything about her. That night I knew that it wasn’t just some silly appreciation or crush anymore. But…”

Laura put the glass of red wine, that was now warm from being held for so long, down on the floor. Legs crossed, head down. She knew if she looked up too fast the whole living room would turn and she would definitely throw up. It was late at night. Really late. Laura had gone out with Will to a lounge bar, but at some point she just couldn’t take it anymore. She just wanted to get home and rest – psychological and physically speaking. That’s how she ended up in her living room, both she and Will with wine glasses in hands.

He raised his hand and rubbed Laura’s back, trying to comfort her somehow. “I know.”

“Why am I so stupid? Fuck my father, you know? It’s _my_ life.” Her sobs came a little harder, just like the tears on her face. She tried to gulp them down pouring the rest of the wine down her throat.

“Laura, we know it’s not like that.”

“If I wasn’t just so fucking scared all the time, we could be together. God, I wouldn’t have hurt her that bad.”

“It’s not your fault and you know that. You can’t control it.”

Laura sighed deeply and gulped down the hiccup that threatened to come. “I don’t know what to do, Will.”

“You do, Laura.” He said before he placed a kiss on her temple. “You do. How will you be able to go forward with your life here if you have pendent things to solve back there? All of this,” he gestured. “is only happening because you refuse to talk to her. And I’m not talking like ‘I texted her I miss her the other day’ bullshit. I mean truly talking to her. About your fears and your feelings for her. About everything that you keep pushing down just because you think that, if you do otherwise, it will hurt her more. In this case, it’s not the truth that hurts, Laur.”

Will was right and Laura knew that. Laura knew that Carmilla deserved to know every little thing Laura felt for her, but she didn’t want to do it just by peer pressure. She wanted to do it right. She wanted to sit with Carmilla on her bed on a rainy day and tell her everything, touch her hand and rub her thumb against her cheek as she said how much she loves Carmilla and how her life seems to just get ten times worse when she’s not with her. When she’s not waking up to her good morning texts or waiting so desperately for Friday nights to see her and that stupid smirk of hers every time she pulled out a dirty joke.

_Fuck._

“If you’re not willing to do that, Laur,” he started after a moment of silence. “If you’re not _ready_ to do that, you need to let her go.”

_I don’t want to._

“I can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to wipe her out of my head and tell myself that it won’t work because she deserves so much better than me, but I can’t. It’s a kind of pain, somehow a good one, that comes with her name that won’t let me go. Won’t let me let her go.”

Will couldn’t do much. Laura looked up, away from Will’s sight as she felt her eyes being filled with tears once again.

“I just want her back,” he heard Laura whispering under her breath.

At that moment, Will wished _he_ could bring Carmilla back to her. Instead, he just allowed Laura to rest on his chest until he was sure that Carmilla had drifted away completely from her mind as she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's all I have for you guys today! Thank you so much for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it. I'll see you next week!  
> Twitter: @karnscarm


	7. Still Your Mind, Now I'm Yours to Choose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with book exhibitions, where good and bad memories are attached to it.  
> Laura is trying so hard to find a way to fix things with Carmilla, and she might’ve found the answer. Meanwhile, Carmilla is a wreck again and this time not only because of the smaller girl in New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a song in the letter and, if you want full effect, I highly recommend that you listen to it while you read that specific part of the letter. It’s called The Words, by Christina Perri, and I recommend you to put it on as soon as Carmilla starts talking about the moon reflecting the light on Laura. The lyrics to the song will be in bold italics, so you’ll know when they’ll appear. Get that box of Kleenex ready and enjoy this brand-new chapter!

Carmilla heard indistinctive chatter coming from inside her apartment, the sound of the glasses clinking filling the empty space between the voices. Two different voices, not only Perry’s. Keys in hands, she unlocked the door to find LaFontaine, sitting on the couch with Perry, _way_ too close to each other. A smirk grew on Carmilla’s face as she watched the two gingers jump out in a scare with the sight of Carmilla entering the room.

“Don’t need to stop talking because of me,” Carmilla said as she closed the door behind her and put her guitar bag on the floor. “I’m already headed to my room. Also, hi, LaF.”

“Hi, Carm.” LaFontaine said shyly, eyes shifting from Perry to the dark-haired girl as they watched her walking into the kitchen.

“Why don’t you hang out with us for a while?” Perry suggested, knowing pretty well Carmilla would try to avoid LaFontaine at all costs.

“And be the third wheel? Pass.”

Perry rolled her eyes, feeling her cheeks burning. She was still able to catch a glimpse of LaFontaine smiling at her, with the corner of her eyes.

“Come on, Carm. Just for a little bit. There are cold beers in the freezer.”

“Fine, but just for a while. I _am_ a little bit tired.” Carmilla agreed. She proceeded to open the freezer door and grabbed a beer, popping it out before she took a sip from it. The cold liquid running down her throat made her hum in pleasure. “How’s the lab going, lab rat?”

“It’s going amazing, thank you very much. Having a lot of gigs?” They pointed to Carmilla’s guitar in the corner of the room, getting a slight nod from her.

“Yeah, you could say that. I currently have no other job than singing at bars and pubs. A girl’s gotta pay the rent.” She joked, making both of them chuckle. “The book sales are a little low, but they called me today and asked me to go to this book exhibition in two days. Something about being on the top 50 list or something.”

Both Perry and LaFontaine’s eyes widened, even though Carmilla thought it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“It’s been more than a year and you’re still on the top 50? I mean, don’t get me wrong, but that’s quite an achievement. It’s hard keeping those numbers, you know?” LaFontaine added, taking another sip of their drink.

“I know this and I also know that I should be happy about it, but with Lau—“

Carmilla stopped mid-sentence when she saw Perry looking at her again with those pitiful eyes she hated so.  The dark-haired girl shook her head, trying to keep the blonde’s name out of her head and out of her mouth but it was stronger than her. The entire time she was sitting there, a total of five minutes, she had to gather all the strength she had in her body not to ask LaFontaine about Laura. She knew it would be a dead end to a path she wasn’t ready to go down again.

It didn’t mean they weren’t talking to each other, which they were. Not constantly and definitely not what they needed to talk about. Laura seemed to finally be happier than she was before. At least that’s what Carmilla gathered from the texts.

**_Laura (Thursday, 8:23AM): Hey, Carm, do you remember who’s the author of that book we read once that had a kid in it whose face had to go through surgery like 20 times? I also seem to have forgotten the book’s name._ **

**_Carmilla (Thursday, 10:07AM): You mean “Wonder?”_ **

**_Laura (Thursday, 10:18AM): YES!! That one_ **

**_Carmilla (Thursday, 10:19AM): R.J Palacio, cupcake._ **

**_Laura (Thursday, 10:21AM): That one! Thank you, Carm._ **

**_Carmilla (Thursday, 10:23AM): For you, anything, cupcake._ **

**_Laura (Saturday, 6:55PM): I’m at the supermarket getting some processed-sugar based food and I saw a kid waiting in line with her mother and if I wasn’t a hundred percent sure you’re not here in New York, I’d totally have ran into them and hugged them because they looked just like you. The little girl had dark black hair, just like yours._ **

**_Carmilla (Saturday, 7:02PM): Aren’t you aware? I now live in New York and have an adopted kid. I thought you were the one getting the news as fast as lightyear._ **

**_Laura (Saturday, 7:15PM): A girl can only dream._ **

“Carm?” LaFontaine’s voice echoed softly, taking Carmilla out of her zone. “Is there anything you want to ask me?”

They knew the answer. There was. Would it be convenient, though?

“Uh, never mind. It’s none of my business.” Carmilla stood up, beer in hands and walked towards the kitchen again. She could physically feel her heart clenching inside her chest and the urge to turn back and just ask away all of those questions that were keeping her awake at night hit her full-force, but she had to maintain a straight posture. She couldn’t do that. It wasn’t her place.

A moment of silence.

“She’s not that happy, Carm.”

Carmilla stood in place. Her fingers squeezed the glass bottle so tightly she thought it would break at any time under her touch. She looked back at LaFontaine, eyes fixed on the dark-haired girl, nails scraping the label off of the bottle. Carmilla gulped.

“I know she seems fine, but the last time I talked to her she was not in a good place. She loves the job and she’s doing amazing, but there’s a piece missing. Unsolved things. You know what it is.”

Carmilla felt her heart aching again in her chest. She swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears inside this time. _Was it her? Was it the city? Her friends? Probably not her._

* * *

“Thanks, LaF.” She simply said before she headed to her room, swallowing down the tears.

Her head was spinning. She barely had two months in the company and now she was holding a piece of paper that could be the solution to her problems and set her heart at peace. That kind of job had never, ever, crossed Laura’s mind, but considering her current situation, she’d do anything.

Laura had been pacing around for thirty minutes, the sound of her boots tapping against the floor filling the space of the room. Will was sitting comfortably on a way too expensive cushioned chair at the waiting room, watching the woman try to calm herself down with, clearly, no success.

“I don’t know, Will. I don’t think I can do it.” She stopped for a second in front of him, his head being supported by his hand and elbows resting on the chair’s arm.

“Are you scared?”

“Not scared, but… I mean, am I good enough for the job? The responsibility is huge.”

“Laura, I wouldn’t even have mentioned it if I didn’t think you could fit in the requirements. You’re good, tiny human. Why don’t you believe me when I tell you that?”

“Self-esteem issues,” she shrugged.

The door Laura had been waiting, for what seemed like an eternity, finally opened and she had to take a lot of deep breaths in order not to faint.

“You go in there and you try,” Will encouraged her. “You already have a ‘no’, but you’ll never get the ‘yes’ you want if you don’t try. I’ll be waiting for you here when you come out.”

“Laura, you wanted to speak with me?” The director’s voice echoed in the room and she felt a shiver run down her spine. She looked at him and nodded.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Come in,” he gestured for her to come inside.

Once seated, she wiped the sweat on her hands out on her skirt. The director walked way too slowly around the table until he got to his chair and Laura thought she would actually faint.

_You can do this, Hollis. Girl the hell up!_

“So, what do I owe the pleasure of having you here today?”

“I- Well, I- Uhm… I know I’m new to this position in the company and don’t get me wrong, I love doing what I do, but I thought that maybe I could fill out the papers for this other position,” she gave him the formulary with shaky hands. The features on the man’s face didn’t change, but the simple act of him putting on his reading glasses made Laura’s stomach churn in anxiety. “It’s just a thought because, you know, I’m from Canada and all and I really love it here but I think I could be more useful—“

“I can analyze it, yes.”

Laura blinked four times to try and understand what was happening. This was the only way she could solve things with Carmilla, the only thing keeping her from going forward with everything. With her job, with her life, with her mind, everything. She left unexpectedly and left things unsolved with the woman she _loved._ She needed to do it. How was she supposed to be good at her work when her mind and heart were making it harder for her? If she wasn’t in a good place, mentally speaking, how in the hell could she pass that for others and into her work? How was she supposed to be great at her job when she, herself, was a total mess inside?

“It may take a while, but as soon as I have an answer I’ll let you know. You’re new but you’re a great journalist, Laura. I mean it. You’re young, but you’re one of the best employees I’ve ever had and it would be amazing for us to have you in this position, here,” he pointed to the paper on the table, the tip of his nails against the wooden table making it sound like a knock.

Laura finally let the air come out of her lungs in a relieved sigh. She didn’t even notice she was holding it in until she felt her lungs burning in desperation for oxygen. The man smiled at her gently, putting the paper Laura had just given him on top of the “Priorities” pile and Laura couldn’t help the smile forming on her face.

“Thank you, Mr. Vordenberg. It really means a lot to hear that.”

“Keep up with the good work, Hollis.”

“Will do, Sir.”

Laura stood up and shook his hand before she finally regained enough strength on her legs to walk out the office’s door. She found Will counting the tiles on the wall, way too distracted to notice her presence. The sound of her heels against the floor startled him.

“And?” He asked, curiosity falling from his tone.

“He said he will analyze it and put it on the priorities pile.” Laura said as if she was still in shock. She sort of still was. He stood up and smiled at her, throwing an arm around her shoulders.

“It will all work out, Hollis.”

“I really hope so,” she breathed out, relief being released from her body, the adrenaline settling down.

“Are you going to tell her?”

Laura froze in place. She hadn’t thought of that yet.

What if she tells Carmilla and it all goes wrong? What if Carmilla gets excited and they’re finally in a good place again, but then her request for the position gets denied and then she has to let Carmilla down again? Hurting her again was not in Laura’s plans. She wasn’t going to give her hope for something so uncertain. But if she doesn’t tell her, would it hurt Carmilla as well? Hiding it from her again would only make things worse? It was a dead-end street. It would probably hurt too much one way or another.

It was too much for Laura to think about at that moment.

But she had to.

_She probably doesn’t even think about you like that anymore, Laura._

_She probably has already moved on from the mess that you are._

_She probably doesn’t even care. At least not anymore. Not with the same intensity as you._

“No,” she answered. “At least, not for now. Whatever happens, happens.

* * *

The amount of people walking around in that room wasn’t even real to Carmilla. It seemed like the entire city was fitting into that giant room filled with stands, journalists and newspapers and magazines trying to get interviews from as many people as possible. Carmilla herself had already given three of them and she was a little worn out of answering the same questions every time someone came over.

The exhibition was already going on for almost three hours and all Carmilla wanted to do was to go home and just rest her feet. Carmilla loved writing and she honestly didn’t know how she even managed to not do it for such a long time, at least not for financial purposes, but presses and all of that wasn’t really her forte.

Somehow, out of instinct, she kept looking for the blonde waves within the crowd, but failed. Her subconscious knew Laura wasn’t there and wouldn’t appear out of nowhere because she wasn’t living in a fucking fairy tale, but deep down Carmilla wanted to believe she’d get there any minute. Somehow the _New York Times_ would be there to get an interview with some author more famous than her and she’d spot Laura, her shiny eyes and that bright, beautiful smile lighting up the whole room.

Instead, she spotted darker curls that were too familiar. The mole on her cheek.

A shiver ran down Carmilla’s spine and her first instinct was the urge to run away. She counted to twenty in her head, along with deep breathes and trying to count five things around her to keep her mind out of it.

_Books._

_People._

_Stands._

_Lights._

_Ell._

She reached for her phone in her pocket. The window that popped up open was chosen out of habit, almost on automatic mode.

_Messages. Laura. Enter text here._

**_Carmilla (7:34PM): Ell is here and I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t know if I can handle her getting closer or even seeing me because this thing that I’m feeling right now is a mess and a mix of anger and sadness and fear? It’s just eating me alive and I haven’t felt like this mess since the day you left Laura please come ba_ **

_Select All. Delete._

Carmilla felt a hand on her shoulder and she almost felt her heart physically leaving her body through her mouth. She prayed to God for it to be Perry before she looked over her shoulder.

_Please, be Perry._

_Please, be Perry._

“Carm, things are going pretty smooth, huh?”

Carmilla was so happy to hear her voice and for a second her heartbeat slowed down. She caught a glimpse of the red strands of hair falling onto Perry’s shoulder and let out a breath of relief.

“Ell is here,” she blurted out. Perry responded to it with wide eyes and concern on her face. She knew the effect Ell had on Carmilla, she was there the entire time. This time Laura wasn’t here to heal her wounds.

“What? Where?” Carmilla pointed with her head to where Ell was standing. Luckily, so far away, too caught up in some random book and its author to even notice Carmilla standing a few feet away.

But there was nothing they could do about it. The only thing within their reach was to wait another twenty minutes until the exhibition was over and hope that Ell would just leave. Carmilla wanted so desperately to cry. She didn’t love her anymore, but the pain she had made Carmilla feel was still lingering there, somewhere, inside her chest. Her book, so open wide for the world now, was just sitting there, almost a bait for Ell and to engage a conversation she was not ready for.

The day Ell left was probably the worst day of Carmilla’s life.

She was just sitting on the couch of her living room, waiting for Ell to text her and let her know when she got home so Carmilla could come over. A few minutes later she got the text, but what was written on it made Carmilla’s heart race and ache, at the same time.

**_Ell (9:52PM): Hey, Carmilla, I can’t really meet you today. We’ll talk tomorrow._ **

**_Carmilla (9:52PM): Hey, what happened?_ **

**_Ell (9:55PM): I just can’t meet you today. Don’t try it._ **

**_Carmilla (9:56PM): Is it me? Did I do something?_ **

**_Ell (10:02PM): You didn’t do anything, Carmilla. Just leave me the fuck alone_ **

That day she cried herself to sleep. She didn’t understand why Ell was being so rude and cold. Hearing from Ell the next day, when she forced herself to come over first thing, that she wasn’t the girl she really loved was the hardest thing Carmilla had to face. Ell was her first love and she really thought she would be her last. She could really picture a huge house with dogs and kids running all over the place and Ell, just standing there in the corner. Since that day, Carmilla didn’t dream with a huge house anymore. She didn’t want dogs running all over the place. Love was dead.

“It was pretty good, Carm. The book.”

Carmilla didn’t know exactly at what point she had zoned out to memory lane, but that voice was way too familiar to be just a memory inside her head. Ell was standing in front of her, with the same light jeans she always liked better than the darker ones, and her fingertips touching the cover of the book lightly as she read the title.

“Ell?” She whispered under her breath, almost too inaudible even for her. She tried to keep a straight face and gathered all the strength in her body to form a coherent sentence. “Uh, thank you.”

“It’s been a while.”

Carmilla could feel she was reluctant and she should be. She had messed up real bad and nothing could ever repair the damage she had caused.

_Laura. Laura was the only one._

“Yes, it has.” Carmilla’s tone was nothing but anger and bitterness. Even though seeing Ell after such a long time, she still couldn’t feel anything other than anger towards her. The feeling of loss, the pain of losing her true love wasn’t there anymore. Not with Ell. It all had turned into anger. The fear of facing her was disappearing and mixing into the anger. Seeing Ell had made her blood boil in her veins and Carmilla herself didn’t understand how that broken girl, who had been broken by that woman standing in front of her, who had suffered for so long, could bottle that pain up and twist the feelings up to that one.

“I know we ended up in bad terms,” she started and Carmilla clenched her hands into a fist involuntarily. “But I really, really wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.”

“No, you’re not.” Carmilla snapped, watching Ell’s face turn into nothing but surprise. “I know that look on your face. The same look you used to give to all of the girls who you would want something from, but had no regards for what they felt towards you whatsoever. I hurt for a long time after you left, Ell. The pain was absurd. But that cynic look on your face is making it so hard for me to feel anything towards you besides anger. You’re not sorry and I don’t care about you anymore, Ell. I. Don’t. Care.”

Carmilla felt the back of her eyes burning and she cursed mentally because that was _not_ the time to start crying. She hadn’t even noticed that Perry was gone until she heard her voice coming from behind between the other muffled voices.

“What are you doing here, Ell? Haven’t you caused enough damage for a lifetime?” Perry was angry. Carmilla didn’t need to look at her to know that her neck was starting to get red because her tone was so rough and cruel that it spoke for itself.

“Hello to you too, Perry. I’m just enjoying the exhibition.” She looked at Perry with the same eyes, the same sarcastic eyes as the day she told Carmilla she didn’t love her anymore. She had never had.

“I hope you’re enjoying yourself with that little act of yours. We’re certainly not buying it. Carmilla is so much better without you.” Poison was dripping from Perry’s mouth and the fear inside Carmilla came to surface again, making her feel almost like a puppy that needed to be protected from everything.

“I could say the same,” she snorted before she started to walk away. “Goodbye, Carmilla.”

“Rot in hell, Ell.” Carmilla whispered between clenched teeth, watching the woman walk away and disappear through the door. The tears that had formed on her eyes weren’t a product of all the pain she had bottled up all those years, it was pure anger.

“Are you okay?” Perry asked, rubbing her hand on Carmilla’s forearm, her gaze still stuck on the door.

“No,” she answered. “Let’s go home. I’ve had enough of this place.”

Two hours later Carmilla found herself sitting on the edge of her bed, back against the headboard and a steamy mug filled with hot tea on the bedside table. In hands, Carmilla had a notepad. The pen slid easily on the paper as some random scribbles appeared on the white paper. Her gaze was stuck on the paper but she wasn’t _seeing_ anything, her full attention was on the memories of that moment. Carmilla didn’t recognize the woman she saw on herself. She wasn’t used to being so full of fury and bitterness before. All the pain and the suffering she had bottled up turned into a mess of hatred and Carmilla could see why. Carmilla never gave herself time to be angry. She knew pretty well how it was to be miserable because of Ell, but she never allowed herself to be mad at her, to yell at a wall pretending it had her face on it because, even though it hurt too much, deep down she was angry. Angry that Ell had left her like that. Angry that Ell couldn’t love her.

A squeaky noise came from the door opening and Carmilla saw Perry popping her head in through the gap. She gave the ginger a weak smile, signaling for her to come in.

“Are you feeling better now?”

Perry knew that she wasn’t. For the first time in months, she finally wasn’t feeling broken-hearted because of Laura, but Ell had drained all the energy she had.

“Yes, I am.” Carmilla lied and Perry pretended to buy it, just like she always did when Carmilla didn’t want to talk about it because Perry knew her in the palm of her hand. “Thank you for having my back there. I just didn’t know what to say or what to do, but turns out I’ve been saving hate for that woman and I wasn’t even aware of that.”

“You have every right to, Carm. She completely – and forgive me about the poor choice of words – fucked you up. She deserves it and I’m _not_ one to wish evil on others.”

“You’re the best, Per.”

“I know,” she winked and smiled softly at Carmilla, watching her features changing and lightening up a little. She stood up, gave Carmilla a kiss on her forehead and started walking towards the door. “If you need me, you know where to find me.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you’re three hundred miles away from me or anything.” Carmilla joked, feeling her own words cut her like a knife.

_I needed Laura today and, oddly enough, she’s the one who’s three hundred miles away._

Carmilla looked down at the paper in front of her. Figures with unknown shapes and random words written all over it.

Hurt.

Coping.

Pain.

Ell.

Hatred.

Anger.

Sadness.

Love.

Laura.

She flipped the page to a new blank one. And more than quickly, she let her fingers dance the pen away on it.

_Toronto, February 18 th, 2019._

_I saw Ell today._

_I thought it would hurt like hell but it didn’t. I just felt angry. At first, when I looked at her and when I heard her voice, all I could feel was fear. I was afraid of talking to her, seeing her. But the moment I allowed myself to let go of those feelings I pushed down a long time ago, I could feel nothing but hatred._

_Oddly enough, you’re the thing that comes to my mind when I think of pain._

_Don’t get me wrong, you could never hurt me like that, Laura. Never._

_But it hurts to need to have you in my arms and just don’t be able to. It hurts to have these moments where I immediately think of you and the desperate need I have to talk to you, but I just can’t. It hurts that you’re so far away from me. But I know, I know. You’re happy in your new job and I’m sure you’re killing it, Hollis, because you always do._

_I feel like all of these letters are becoming just a bunch of written memories and when you stop to think about it for a second, it kind of is. I needed you today and all I had left were the memories of you. I keep reliving all of our moments but you’re not there._

_Just like that moment when I appeared out of nowhere, coming towards the Silas News building and spotted you with a cup of coffee in hands and staring at the horizon like if you were waiting for someone. I made sure to be quiet as a mouse and to sneak between the cars the subtlest I could, but I stepped on a branch and the crack sound made you look in my direction and, when you did, you opened the biggest smile. Just like you always did when you saw me._

_“Carm! What are you doing here? As far as I know, today is not Wednesday.” You asked me before I leaned in and pulled you in for a hug, leaving a kiss on your forehead before I let go of your body._

_“Yes, it’s Thursday. And you know what’s happening, right now, on this Thursday?”_

_“Uh, no?” I quirked my eyebrows as if I were asking you to think harder. “I don’t know! What?”_

_“That book exhibition you wanted to go?”_

_“But that’s not only until…” You stopped for a moment, counting the days in your head. When you realized, your eyebrows shot up to your hairline and your mouth opened, jaw hung ajar, in an ‘O’. “Oh, my God, Thursday! That’s today.”_

_“Uhum.”_

_“As in the current day?”_

_“Sharp as ever, Hollis.” I mocked and you hit my arm with your hand clenched in a fist. “So if we want to get there before it ends, we need to get going. Come on, give me that backpack of yours.”_

_“Carm, it’s okay. It’s heavy.”_

_“Exactly why you’re not carrying it around more than you already were. Pass it over.”_

_You (actually) growled and rolled your eyes before you slid the hang off your shoulder and gave it to me and, Sweet Jesus, Laura, what did you use to carry inside that thing?!_

_“Oh, my- How do you not have back problems?” I said, after a couple of failed tries to put it on my shoulder due to the weight._

_“I do,” you giggled as you walked away, leaving me a few steps behind._

_“Oh, so you’re not waiting for me then? Okay, I’ll just leave.” I said, paying attention to every inch of your body. How your waist moved when you walked, your toned legs (that, to this day, I still don’t know how you have them if you eat anything but sugary food and carbs) and how your hair just flips so easily, how it waves so beautifully even when you move your head just the slightest._

_“You’re the one who told me to hurry. It’s all on you, Karnstein.”_

_“You’re killing me, Hollis. Literally. This backpack, I’ll tell you…” I said, in a whisper, with a smile, watching you jumping around like a kid who ate too much sugar before bed._

_And not even the most beautiful constellation could compare to it, Laura. Happiness is such a great look on you._

_At some point on our way there, we got to a street that was way too lonely for two women to be at, alone. You didn’t seem worried though. I tried to push you out to another street, but you just followed the same isolated path instead._

_“Shortcut,” you said before you smiled at me and grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers._

_And, again, those damn butterflies came alive again._

_You seemed so happy. I was so happy. You kept swinging our joined hands back and forth like a child and giggling. You were quiet the whole time and, honestly, I didn’t feel the need to do it. We were in our own bubble and that was working perfectly fine for us._

_We spotted the building where the exhibition was happening and the moment you spotted people, you let go of my hand. I didn’t notice that detail back then, but now that I know you and know your fears, I put two and two together._

_I honestly can’t remember exactly how it went at the exhibition, I just know that you were so happy and wanted to attend every single panel by every single author, even though it was almost impossible since they weren’t all happening in separated times. You thought you had bought a good amount of books, but what you don’t know is that I paid for all of them while you were too caught up on the panels and or on the book itself. I just wanted to give you some nice presents, like you did to me on my birthday. I hope you don’t mind. (I put your money back in your wallet when you went to the bathroom.)_

_When it (finally) ended, you were electric. Like you hadn’t spent the last two and a half hours running around after an entire day of work. It must be the cookies. It’s GOT to be the cookies._

_Speaking of, I heard your stomach growl. I looked at you and you seemed guilty as fuck._

_“Sorry,” you said and I rolled my eyes. What are you sorry for? For being such a cute angel? “The last thing I remember eating was a pack of cookies and a cup of coffee with way too much sugar, even for me, a long, LONG time ago.”_

_“Come on, Hollis. Let’s feed that old soul.”_

_“Hey, I am not old. I’m twenty-one!”_

_“You have the looks of a twenty-one-year-old girl. Tell that to those grandma sweaters you own.” I mocked, holding the door open for you. You stood there in shock and I held in a laugh._

_“Excuse me! Is there something wrong with my sweaters?”_

_“Yes, they look like you stole them from my grandmother’s closet. She passed away a long time ago.”_

_You chose to ignore me and I snorted, clearly winning that roast round._

_A few minutes later, we got to your favorite pizza place. You chose the one that has the most cheese on it and I don’t know how you still managed to eat three slices of pure oil. Sometimes, as we talked, you brushed your hand against my thigh, causing the shivers to run up and down my spine like a synapsis running through a neuron and its myelin sheath. I never felt so happy in my life. When I was with you, everything were roses. I shifted from that hurting mess that I used to be to being the person who wanted to make you laugh just to hear that angelic sound coming out of your mouth. I wanted to be the one doing jokes or complimenting anything, literally anything, about you to make you blush because it’s so easy to do it. I wanted to be the reason that made you smile, because you were mine._

_You ARE the reason I smile._

_We left and it was late. Like, really late. I was walking you home, but you wanted to stop at a park. The lake park, you know which one. You said you wanted to see the stars that were so clear on the night sky that day._

_And I as saw you there, the moon reflecting its light just the slightest on your face, your arms crossed in front of your body to keep you warm from the cold breeze, I knew I was falling in love with you more and more each day and there was nothing I could do about it and I didn’t want to. That feeling in my chest – in my heart – came with all its force again and I knew that there was no coming back from it. It was you. Maybe not from day one, maybe not from day ten or thirty, but it was you that I wanted, Laura. It IS you. It’s you that I want. It’s you that I love._

_And maybe it was me that you wanted, too. Maybe it was me that you loved. Maybe not from day one, day ten or thirty, but maybe I was also the one. You wouldn’t say it, but I could see it in your eyes how you happy and yourself you felt when you were with me. Your eyes can’t lie, Laura, and that day they showed nothing but… happiness. I like to think that I had something to do with it, but a girl can only dream, right?_

_It’s weird how perfectly I can remember that specific moment. In my head it’s like a soap opera scene, with background music and all._

**_All of the lights land on you_ **

_The moment you were standing at the edge of the lake. The light coming from the lampposts were shining lowly on you, the shine of the stars as well. You seemed so peaceful, staring at the darkness that was the lake. All I wanted was to scream at the top of my lungs that I loved you, but it would be useless since there was no one else there. At least that’s what it seemed like._

**_The rest of the world fades from view_ **

_When I’m with you, everything else disappears. The whole world turns into a blur. You’re all that I see._

**_And all of the love I see_ **

_You’re love, Laura. When I look at you I can see nothing but pure, genuine love. I had to bite the inside of my cheek so hard to not just scream that I love you because I couldn’t. I couldn’t, right? Not in such a short time._

**_Please, please, say you feel it too._ **

_I approached you, wrapping my arms around your waist. This time you didn’t jump out in a scare. It’s like you knew it was coming. You turned your head just a little bit to the side and caught a glimpse of me, of the corners of my mouth tugged up in a smile, which is all I can do when I’m with you. You rested your hands on top of mine and let out a sigh. A sigh that showed you felt safe, you felt comfortable. I sighed as well, so happy to be able to make you feel safe. In my arms. You made me feel enough in a way I hadn’t felt since she left me._

**_All of the noise I hear inside_ **

_My head was a mess. With all that happened with Ell and everything else, I didn’t know what to do. I loved you and I didn’t know how to deal with that because even though you make me the happiest, no, I couldn’t deal with another heartbreak and I didn’t want to even dare to mess everything up with you as well. It was all too recent and the wounds were still bleeding. But, somehow, just standing there, holding you in my arms, seemed to make it stop._

**_Restless and loud, unspoken and wild_ **

_I never got the chance to tell Ell how I really felt. I never got the chance to tell YOU how I really feel. My head was just constantly in a battle of feelings, of ‘do’ and ‘don’ts’ and all I wanted was for it to stop working for a second and just let me breathe. You were oxygen when I needed it the most._

**_All that you need to say to make it all go away_ **

_I wasn’t sure if you felt the same and I’m not going to lie, I had thought about it. I would constantly find myself thinking about all the signs and if I’d read them all wrong. Maybe you smile too much when you’re with me because that’s just you. You’re this sweet ball of happiness and cuteness and maybe I was overlooking things. Maybe you held my hand because it was too cold and you knew I didn’t mind. Maybe you didn’t mind when I hugged you because the lack of affection from your parents make you feel needy of physical contact and you felt comfortable enough with me to let me do so._

**_Is that you feel the same way too._ **

_Maybe you loved me too. Maybe, back then, all of the signs, the handholding, the kisses on the cheek, every time you texted me asking if I was coming to see you on Wednesdays, just like I always did, really meant that you felt something too. Maybe I was not the only one doing the loving. Maybe you felt it. But, just like I did, you didn’t say it. And it made me so confused for some time, because every time I would hold your hand in some specific places, you’d withdraw it. Every time I pulled you in a hug in a store or something, I felt your muscles tensing up under my touch. Maybe I was reading the signs wrong, but I wanted so desperately for that to be wrong. I wanted so badly for you to love me too._

_“It’s so beautiful out here at night,” you whispered under your breath, finally breaking the silence that was making my brain work twice as hard with all the theories and what ifs._

_“It definitely is,” I answered, not bothering looking up at the sky at any moment because, like I said, all I could see was you._

_“Hey, Laura…” I said, almost in a whisper, and you answered with a hum. You turned your body to face me, without unleashing from my arms. I moved one hand to your cheek and saw your eyes, those bright, hazel-green eyes looking into mine so deeply._

**_And I know the scariest part is letting go_ **

_You were right there. At that moment, I captured every single inch of your features to myself. Selfish thing to do, yes, but I wanted to have that memory the more vivid possible. I wanted to take in your eyes staring at me, showing a feeling I couldn’t decipher back then. It was a mixture of happiness, fear, anxiety and I swear I saw love in there as well._

**_'Cause love is a ghost you can’t control_ **

_****I was so drawn in you that I didn’t notice my hands trembling. I was so nervous, my whole body reacting to touching your face and having it so close to mine, yet so far away. I needed you to know that I loved you. I needed to say it, but the words just wouldn’t come out. Your hands were gripping harder on my jacket, your fingertips touching my back, dancing in circles. I thought I saw your lip trembling for a second, your eyes screaming in desperation too._

**_I promise you the truth can’t hurt us now_ **

_I couldn’t say it. You were smiling at me and suddenly I didn’t even know what I was thinking anymore._

_“What?” You asked, your eyes shifting from my eyes to my lips several times. You licked your lips, almost unnoticeable, and bit the inside of your bottom lip._

_“The view is just so beautiful,” I saw, never taking my eyes off of you for a second. Your cheeks couldn’t be any redder. You looked down, shyly, before turning your head a little bit to the side to catch a glimpse of the lake._

_“Yes, it is.” You said._

_“Not what I meant.” I said, still looking at you. You noticed. You blushed more._

**_So let the words slip out of your mouth_ **

_I don’t know how or when I leaned in and captured your lips in mine, but I just know I felt all of my insides burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. Your lips were cold, but your cheeks were burning. When I felt your lips against mine, dancing together in perfect synchronization, it all went away. All of the doubts, all of my fears, everything went away. It was you. When your tongue brushed against mine, I felt that electrical charge running up and down my spine and the shivers were going crazy, a hundred of them running through my body all at once. Your hand gripped on my jacket tighter. One of them left. I felt your hand touching my skin and pulling my face closer to yours, if it was possible. You gave all of yourself. I gave all of me. At that moment, we were enough for each other and it was all that mattered._

_Until someone stepped on a branch. A couple of them. It was a runner, just passing by with earphones on._

_Yet it was enough for you to let me go. I was so close I could feel your heart racing. I looked at you and you had tears on your eyes, threating to break the barrier and I didn’t know what to do._

_‘I fucked up so hard’, I thought._

_You looked around several times. The runner was already far away and there wasn’t anyone else. You looked terrified._

_“Let’s go home, Carm.” That was all you said to me. I nodded and, without another word, walked you home. You didn’t hold my hand and I remember feeling so lost and vulnerable and all I wanted to do was to make you feel better or to understand why. Now I do and I’m so sorry, even though it wasn’t something neither of us could have done._

_I saw Ell today and I immediately needed you. When I think of her I don’t feel pain anymore. You healed me, Laura, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t heal you too._

_I miss you like crazy._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

By the time Carmilla dropped the pen and put the notepad away, the hiccups had taken over. The tears had started some time ago and she couldn’t make them stop. Then, he didn’t know Laura wasn’t out. _Still wasn’t._ She didn’t know she was deathly afraid of her father’s reaction, after feeling like a disappointment for such a long time. Now she did and she wished she had said something earlier. She wished she had told Laura that everything was going to be okay, that she didn’t need to be scared of anything or anyone. She wished Laura had talked to her sooner.

Carmilla wished she’d told Laura how much she loved her and that none of that mattered, not as long as they were together.

It wasn’t Laura’s fault, but back then she couldn’t help but to feel just not enough.

But now she knew it wasn’t true. Maybe she was enough. Back then she was enough.

Maybe not anymore.

Carmilla fell asleep, the memory from that day came again in a dream, the same Christina Perri song playing in her head as she drifted away to a place where Laura was still in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you will, let me know your thoughts. I'll see you next Saturday :)  
> Twitter: @karnscarm


	8. These Hands Could Hold the World But I'll Never Be Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where hearts get broken - and then mended back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t help but to feel like this is starting to get a little Glee-ish, but what can I do? I can’t help it! Anyways, this chapter ALSO has, not one, but TWO songs and, no, I did not write neither of them (ha, I wish!). Both of them were put into the chapter as Carmilla’s compositions, but you know, they’re not. The first one you’ll find is Hey There Delilah, by Plain White T’s, so if you want to give that one a listen while you’re reading the first part of the chapter, feel free to do it. The second one you’ll find in the letter and it’s Never Enough, by Loren Allred/The Greatest Showman, and I definitely recommend that you listen to this one when it shows up. Again, the lyrics of both songs are in bold italics, it’ll be easily found.  
> Again, my delightful friend Deena helped me with the proofread, fixing all of my non-native mistakes. Kudos, Deena!

Perry heard the strings being played gently, the sound muffled by the closed door. She didn’t know much about music – in fact, she didn’t know anything about it at all – but living with Carmilla she was forced to listen to music, chords and note variations all the time. Now she could recognize and distinguish a D from an A from a distance. Perry knew Carmilla had an upcoming gig at the Anglerfish later that night and that she was probably rehearsing her new repertoire for the night, which Perry already knew by heart. But those chords, in that sequence and melody, were new to her ears.

She put the dishcloth on the table, along with the plate she was drying and tiptoed until she got to Carmilla’s door. The sound was now louder and clearer and, yes, Perry was _sure_ this was new. The same riff repeated three times until Carmilla’s words merged in the melody.

**_Hey there, Delilah, what’s it like in New York City?_ **

**_I’m a thousand miles away, but girl tonight you look so pretty_ **

**_Yes, you do_ **

Perry frowned, trying to figure out if she had understood the words correctly. They did make a lot of sense, so she presumed that it was what she’d just heard. She felt her heart drop, hearing Carmilla’s sad tone.

Since LaFontaine told her that Laura was not as happy as Carmilla had imagined she was, the dark-haired girl had been acting weird. It was like she had gone back to that place where she couldn’t do anything because she was just too hurt from seeing Laura hurting and being the reason for it. Perry understood why, but she was just tired of not being able to do anything. She fought the urge to call Laura a hundred times the last week, but she knew it wasn’t her place to do it. But, oh, how she wanted to.

Perry opened the door gently and thanked all Gods that the damn squeak didn’t come out this time because it would’ve startled Carmilla and she definitely did not want that. Perry stuck her head between the door and the doorframe, watching Carmilla sitting on the edge of her bed, her black guitar in hands, notepad with a lot of crossed out words in front of her.

**_Times Square can’t shine as bright as you_ **

**_I swear it’s true_ **

“It’s you… true…” Carmilla stopped fingering the chords as she mumbled to herself.

“True sounds better,” Perry’s voice did startle Carmilla, just like the redhead thought it would.

“Thanks.”

Carmilla looked up at her, that forced, blue smile on her face. Perry walked in and sat on the bed as well. Carmilla wrote _true_ and put the pen down along with her guitar. Perry grabbed the notepad and read the lyrics. They were beautiful. Some words were crossed out and changed to others, but she could still catch a glance of the words Carmilla had used previously. One way or the other, they were beautiful.

“This is beautiful, Carm. New one?” Carmilla nodded. Perry read it again and frowned. “Delilah?”

“I didn’t want it to be too obvious,” Carmilla shrugged. Perry’s eyes widened and her eyebrows quirked up.

“Seriously?”

“I was listening to Florence, okay? Blame it on her.”

“She will love it, Carm, even if it says Delilah or Laura.” Perry rose a hand and rubbed it against Carmilla’s leg gently. “Will you send it to her?”

“Not sure, probably not. I don’t want her to feel worse.”

“You don’t know that. You’ve _got_ to stop with the assumptions, Carmilla.”

“You heard LaFontaine! They mentioned my name, she felt bad. Don’t you get it, Per? She’s hurting because of me. Not because of the circumstances, because she wanted it, she _chose_ it. It’s me.”

And there it was. The triggering point of all this. The reason why Carmilla felt she wasn’t enough for Laura, even though all of her actions spoke otherwise. Carmilla couldn’t let Laura lose that opportunity, but the ghost of Ell was still lingering in Carmilla’s head, telling her that Laura left, the woman she loved left, because, again, she wasn’t enough. Perry sighed.

“Do you think it’s been any easier for her, Carmilla? Are you really that blind or you’re just playing pretend?” Perry couldn’t hide the annoyance in her voice. She knew Carmilla was hurting, but seeing her just choosing to have a blindfold on other than face the reality of Laura loving her just as much was too much for Perry. “Have you been listening to a single word LaFontaine told you? That girl is a _wreck,_ and not just because she left. She probably also thinks that she’s not enough for you because, again, you both refuse to talk to each other and it’s infuriating. Think back on all of this, Carm. There’s a lot of things unsolved between you two and both of you are to blame.”

Carmilla looked frightened. She looked terrified because she knew it was true. She knew that deep down she didn’t want to believe that Laura loved her because, just like Ell, she left too. She left her behind just like _she_ did. Carmilla hated that she sounded like the most selfish person on Earth every time she thought back on the scars Ell left on her, but she couldn’t help it.

Perry was right and there was no denying it. Carmilla did want to talk to Laura about all of those bottled up feelings and unsolved things between them, but what if it only made the pain in Laura’s chest grow even more because they’re too many miles apart? She was completely okay with herself being at rock bottom, but she couldn’t be, again, the reason Laura was too.

Perry’s words were a slap to Carmilla’s face, but she needed it.

“Sorry,” the redhead whispered, looking at Carmilla’s dead expression. “I didn’t mean to snap, but—“

“I deserve it. You’re right. But I can’t just _not_ feel like this. Since Ell I—“

“Laura is not Ell, Carmilla. Laura is _nothing_ like Ell. Laura wouldn’t do to you what that woman did. The Ell you thought you knew, you thought existed, is nothing but a product of your mind. Okay, she _might_ have truly loved you in that intensity before, but now she’s nothing but a bitch.”

Carmilla snorted, trying to keep the tears inside her body. She knew Perry was making a reference to Natalie, the character of her book that was inspired by Ell, and for that she got a point. Looking back at their moments together when she was writing the book Carmilla realized that, yes, Ell never really loved her the same way she did, Carmilla only thought she did. The feeling wasn’t mutual. The intensity was never, ever, there.

Laura was different. Laura was the opposite of everything Ell was.

Laura was kind. Laura was patience. Laura was nothing but love in its pure form.

“Put it all out, Carm. Your book, your songs are your words. Now it’s up to you to let them free you. Pretend Laura is hearing it. Would you like her to? Would you like her to know how you’re feeling?” Carmilla hesitated for a second, but then nodded.

“Okay,” Carmilla whispered, letting the vulnerability come out. She knew she didn’t need to hide anything from Perry. Be scared of her? Sometimes, totally.

“Now, how does it go again? Hey, there, little Laura…” Perry teased, getting her knee hit by Carmilla’s fist.

“Shut it.”

As Carmilla’s attention turned completely to the guitar she had just picked up again and on its chords, Perry took her phone from her pocket as hit the record button without Carmilla even noticing it

* * *

Laura took a last look at her reflection in the mirror. The tight black dress, the underdone make-up with the most perfect eyeliner that she needed to thank Will later for that, and those heels were definitely not what she was expecting for that Friday night. The company was having a cocktail night and all of the employees were invited. At first, Laura didn’t want to go, but Will and Brandon insisted way too much that she go. How could she deny? She was exhausted, but those two could make really good points when it came to their persuasive aspects.

“You need to get out of this house, Laura.” Will said, taking three dresses out of Laura’s wardrobe at once and dropping them on her bed. Laura was sat on the middle of it, resting her back against the headboard, watching them turn her room into a giant mess that they definitely wouldn’t help her clean later.

“And stop stuffing your face with peanut butter and that 1$ pizza. You’re sweating oil, honey.” Brandon added. Laura’s face flinched and her eyebrows knitted together in a disgusted expression. She wiped her forehead as if she was actually about to find a drop of oil.

“Am not.” She pouted, letting her exhaustion take over her as she saw all of those clothes on her bed. “I don’t want to go. I’m tired. Ti-red.”

“And so are we, honey, but you need to get out of your head for a second. It’ll be good for you.”

“I’m an adult, I know what’s good for me and I say that it is having eight full hours of sleep tonight.”

“Nope, you’re going. Here, you’re going with this one.” Will threw the black, overly tight dress on her and she groaned. She didn’t even know why she bought that one in the first place. She didn’t even like it that much.

“Not this one. It’s too tight.”

“Even better. You have curves for days, Sweetheart.” Brandon murmured from somewhere inside her room and she immediately blushed.

“Why can’t I just wear my casual clothes? Black jeans, plaid, black boots. Done.”

“Your usual clothes and a homeless person’s clothes are the same. We do not want that.”

“Could everybody just stop insulting my clothing style for once?!” She said, louder than she intended to. Both men looked at her in confusion. “Sorry, it’s just… Carmilla used to say that—“

“Nope, you’re not going down that lane.” Brandon reprehended, sitting on the edge of the bed. “ _This_ is why you need to get out of this house, Laura. Get some fresh air.”

“We’re in New York. There’s no such thing as fresh air.”

Will and Brandon rolled their eyes at the same time.

“ _My point_ _is_ that when you’re not distracted at work or by work stuff, your mind immediately goes to that place where The-Girl-Whose-Name-I-Will-Not-Be-Mentioning lives and you need a break from it. You’re wearing yourself out with those thoughts and I know that you can’t control it, but you can distract yourself from them.”

Laura saw nothing but pity in his eyes, sincerity at its highest. She knew he didn’t mean it to hurt her or anything. It was true, whenever she was at home her mind would, at some point, randomly, bring back Carmilla’s memories and just texting her wasn’t enough. She needed more. She needed to talk to Carmilla, to _touch_ Carmilla, to smell her perfume like she used to. She needed to hear her voice saying that everything would be okay and that she was right there.

But she wasn’t.

And every time Laura remembered that her heart ached with an intensity that no one should ever have to feel.

“Fine,” she agreed. “But I’m not wearing heels.”

Brandon looked at her, his eyebrows rising to his hairline.

“Oh, you definitely are.” He stated and Laura whined again.

Two hours later, Laura was walking towards Will’s car, the heels tapping against the wooden floor as she walked out of her house, pulling down her dress because she felt like it was too short, even if they had told her that it wasn’t. But could she really trust them, though?

The party was even bigger than she could’ve ever imagined. All of her co-workers were in fancy suits and dresses and she felt a little bit underdressed for the occasion. Waiters and waitresses walked around with trays of food and all kinds of drinks anyone could ever imagine. Some lounge jazz was playing quietly in the background. Laura took a look around and she thought to herself _when did she ever think she would be here, someday? When has it crossed her mind that she would, actually, attend a party for the New York Times employees? Never is the correct answer_ and she felt a cold sensation at the pit of her stomach.

“I hope you like _caipirinha,_ ” Brandon approached Laura and Will with two drinks in hand, since Will was already on his third tequila shot, and handed it to her.

“What is that?” Laura took the glass and tried to smell what was inside the cup. Alcohol, and a lot of it, for sure and… something sour? She wasn’t sure.

“It’s a drink—“

“That I gathered.” Laura cut him off. He rolled his eyes.

“Let me finish, woman! Well, it’s a drink made of vodka, lemon and sugar. It’s Brazilian and super tasty. Also, when it’s done with their own Brazilian vodka that’s three hundred times stronger than the one we have here, it can get you drunk so quick you’d meet Jesus before you even know it.”

“Why am I deathly afraid to try it now?” Because of course she would be.

“Just do it.”

Laura did it once. Twice. Three. Four times.

Will and Brandon were way too far gone to still count how many drinks they had taken and Laura wasn’t that different. She was feeling a little dizzy, but nothing out of the ordinary. At some point, someone changed the music and now it felt like a party with pop music. Everybody was in the middle of the room, dancing their feet off and not caring if they were spilling their drinks on the floor. Laura, Will and Brandon made sure to join them all until they were too tired to stand on their feet.

At some point, Laura realized that she didn’t think of Carmilla once in those hours she’d been out of the house. The other girl hadn’t crossed her mind not even once and she wasn’t sure if she liked the idea or not. Was it a signal that she was moving on? She couldn’t be forgetting about her already, could she? She’s seen in movies people crying over their exes or their lovers when they’re drunk, so why is Carmilla suddenly out of her mind? She didn’t like the idea, at all. Even now, with her mind going a hundred miles per hour with the thought of Carmilla, it didn’t hurt. Now, _that_ she knew it was because of the alcohol, and for that she’d have to remind herself to thank Will and Brandon for being so stubborn and convinced her to go to that stupid party.

“Laur, what happened?” Will yelled louder than the music next to Laura’s ear.

“Nothing, uhm, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” She lied, putting on a fake smile. Maybe it was the alcohol, but this time he didn’t notice she was lying. As soon as he turned his back to her, she gulped down her entire drink and followed to the bar to grab another one. A stronger one, please.

A few hours later, they all called a taxi. A few turns to the left, to the right and some crossroads and they got to Laura’s place.

“Are you guys sure you don’t want to stay? There’s plenty of room.” Laura wasn’t going to lie, but it took her some effort to put a whole sentence together.

“Yeah, we’re sure. You go to sleep. We’re going too. In this taxi.” Brandon murmured, gesticulating in the air.

“No, we are _not_ sleeping in this taxi, but we’re sure, Laur. We’re fine.”

“Let me know when you get there, okay?” They nodded. She smiled and thanked the driver. She watched the car drive away before she pulled her keys from her purse.

As she turned the key and unlocked the door, she was hit with a wave of joy. Joy for being at home and finally be able to step out of those damn heels. Joy for being able to take that dress off. Her soles met the cold floor and she groaned in pleasure, leaving her things spread all over the house until she got to her room. She changed into her pajamas, took the make-up off and finally, _finally_ threw herself on her bed. She felt dizzy again with the brisk movement, even if the alcohol was already draining from her body.

Laura didn’t even know what time it was. She searched for her phone and when she slid her hand under her pillow it met a cold, metallic object. She lit up the screen.

**_Perry (9:14PM): Hey, Laur. I hope you’re doing okay._ **

**_Perry (9:14PM): Carmilla doesn’t know about it, but I think you’ll like to hear this audio message I’ll send you. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but from what LaF told me (don’t be mad at them, they were just trying to help) you’re also having doubts. About everything. And I totally understand it._ **

**_Perry (9:15PM): So, if it helps, I hope this answers some things for you. And, hopefully, for Carmilla as well._ **

**_Perry (9:15PM): [Audio Message – 3:38]_ **

**_Perry (9:16PM): Goodnight, Laur. Love you!_ **

Laura frowned. Why would Perry be sending her that and, more specifically, _what_ was that? Not that she didn’t appreciate it, because she truly loved Perry, but it was still odd. She tapped on the play icon anyways.

She heard the guitar chords strumming perfectly, each note sounding clear as a day.

Carmilla’s voice echoed and Laura felt like she had been hit by a truck and, at the same time, all of the pain she was feeling seemed to be numbed because she just missed Carmilla so much and hearing her voice was both healing and intoxicating and all she wanted to do was cry. She did.

The lyrics were beautiful and, somehow, they were also sad. Filled with hopes and dreams. Unsaid words that Carmilla so desperately wanted to shout out loud but couldn’t because not even the highest of the screams could make the pain in her chest go away. Laura wouldn’t listen to it. She wouldn’t know that, no matter what, she’s the one and that Carmilla would wait a million years for if necessary.

As the song played, Laura was one hundred percent sure Carmilla had written it. The lyrics were just too familiar for it to be a coincidence.

**_Hey there Delilah_ **

**_Don’t you worry about the distance_ **

**_I’m right there if you get lonely_ **

**_Give this song another listen and close your eyes_ **

**_Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise_ **

**_I’m by your side_ **

Her heart was heavy. She turned on her belly and hugged the pillow tighter, trying to sooth the ache.

**_Hey there Delilah_ **

**_I’ve got so much left to say_ **

**_If every simple song I wrote to you_ **

**_Would take your breath away_ **

**_I’d write it all_ **

**_Even more in love with you I’d fall_ **

**_Oh, it’s what you do to me_ **

Laura was staring at her phone, watching the little circle going forward as the audio played, the tears streaming down her face with the image of Carmilla sitting on her window seat, guitar in hand and all of the papers spread all over the place whilst she tried to find the right words to fit into the melody. She smiled involuntarily.

And there it was. The sting in her heart she thought she had forgotten what it felt like. Somehow, she was happy to feel that again.

* * *

_Toronto, February 22 th, 2019_

_I’m headed to the Anglerfish in about one hour and a half but here I am, talking to you again. Or to a piece of paper, whatever works best._

_I re-did my repertoire today and I found, between some folded papers at the end of my folder, that one song I wrote a year ago for you. It’s not news for you anymore because I remember telling you that a few days after that day at the Silas bar._

_You know what, Laur? What I felt when Ell left was painful, but nothing compared to the thought of you not loving me back._

_We’d had our first kiss. We had gone to the book show, we came back, passed by that park near your house and there, under the moonlight, we had our first kiss and I swear I could see stars – not the ones in the sky. It was a galaxy of them. In my eyes, in my stomach. The way you looked at me was yelling “yes, Carmilla, I DO love you”, but yet you withdrew from me in a way that was almost painful, to lose contact with you that fast. I craved more, but the terrified look on your face made me feel nothing but worry. Maybe I had hurt you. Maybe, somehow, I pulled your face in closer to mine too tightly or anything because I really couldn’t think of anything back in the day. Now I know that what probably hurt you the most was just… people. You were deathly afraid of people._

_A week had passed and we still hadn’t talked about it. We were talking to each other, yes, but we didn’t, at any moment, talk about the kiss and what happened after that. I didn’t get it at the time. We were seeing each other for quite some time and within four walls we were the happiest we could be. You’d come over on a Thursday night, after you extra shift, and Perry would make you all kinds of cookies (including the red velvet one that you adore), while we watched anything that was on TV, you cuddled in my arms, hands and fingers intertwined in mine. Sometimes you’d fall asleep but you wouldn’t let me carry you to bed. You’d grip my waist tightly and not let me put any distance between our bodies. You’d kiss my cheek, my neck, my forehead and, sometimes, the corner of my mouth and I always had to fight so hard to just not kiss you right there._

_Sometimes I’d come over, unexpectedly or not (I dare to say you loved it when I showed up at your front door holding a box of chocolate). You’d greet me with that bear hug of yours, where you hop on my lap, your legs wrapped around my waist and your arms around my neck. I could smell perfectly your baby perfume behind your ears and the baby powder scent of your shampoo emanating from your hair._

_“Carmilla, you’re not getting out of your house at 12AM just to bring me cold medicine. It’s dangerous out there!” You said, over a late phone call, when you had the worst flu ever. You almost couldn’t breathe out of your nose and you sounded so nasally it was funny. You had taken the week off and I was even surprised when you called me at 11:40 pm._

_“Laura, you don’t even SOUND like yourself. Right now you sound like mucus and viruses.” I answered back, phone between my ear and my shoulder holding it in place, as I took my keys, wallet and ran out of the house._

_“Ok, that was kind of rude. I heard a door bang. Carmilla, don’t you dare leave that house.”_

_“I’m going. Are you allergic to ibuprofen? Do you have a fever?”_

_“No and yes and NO, Carmilla, you stay in.”_

_“Too late, Cupcake.”_

_“Carm!” You whined. “It’s dangerous out there! You could be robbed! Or hit by a car!”_

_“Also things that could happen to me in day broad light.”_

_“Carm! I love you and I don’t want you to die at midnight because of a stupid flu, you jerk!”_

_I remember I froze in place. Hearing the “L” word coming out of your mouth so easily and so naturally made every inch of my body burn. Not a bad burn, but one that I can’t explain. Maybe it was happiness._

_The line was mute for a second until you sniffed and called my name with that congested voice of yours._

_“See you in ten, Laur.” I said, my lips turned into a smile._

_That was our day-to-day life before it happened. Suddenly all we had was nothing or a little bit more than that. My chest was aching missing you and there was nothing I could do because I didn’t want to press you to say anything. But inside it was killing me._

_I was up all night. I hadn’t talked to you properly in five days and I didn’t know if I should come over or if I should call you. I know you didn’t mean to be harsh, but still my heart ached with the lack of you._

_“Hi, Carm.” You sounded almost too happy to hear my voice and I definitely was after not hearing it for almost a week._

_“Hey, are you okay?”_

_You hesitated for a second and with that I knew that you were not. “I’m fine! You?”_

_“I’m okay,” I lied. I know you noticed it because you were the one who pointed out that my voice cracks a little when I’m lying. “Uh, I’m playing at the Silas today. Would you like to go? I can save you that corner table you like.”_

_“Uh, I don’t know, Carm. I have to work tomorrow. Early.” I knew you were making that excuse up. You did have to work, but that had never stopped you before. Maybe you weren’t ready to see me face to face. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe I really had read the signs wrong._

_“Okay,” I tried not to sound hurt, but I’m sure I failed. “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”_

_“Yeah, tomorrow sounds good! I’ll give you a call.”_

_“Okay, I’ll be waiting, cupcake.”_

_“I have to go now, okay? I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, Carm.”_

_“Bye, Laur. I miss—“ and before I could finish the line went dead._

_But tomorrow never came. Later that night, I decided to add the song I had written for you, at 4 am when I couldn’t sleep, to the repertoire. Just an extra. Just in case._

_If the bar was anything, it was crowded. People were really enjoying themselves and all the songs I’d played so far. I kept looking for you the entire time and every time I didn’t spot you my heart dropped. I know you said you had work the next day or whatever other reason you had and that you wouldn’t go, but deep down, a small part of me still believed that you’d show up._

_It was the last song of the night. I needed to get it all off my chest. I needed to say those words that were stuck in my throat and that was the only way I could do it. Just talking to Perry wasn’t doing its job anymore. Singing it to myself in my room to see if I’m singing it in key or if the notes need to be changed is not the same as singing it to a lot of people and watching them feeling the emotion as well. Just like what happened with my book. I do write to myself, but when other people can also connect to it, it’s a whole other level._

_“Excuse me,” I said, tapping the mic gently. The small interference caught their attention and they all turned their faces to me. “Well, uhm, I wrote a song today and it really means the world to me at the moment. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to sing it for you all.”_

_I had switched my guitar for the huge white piano in the middle of the stage. I took a deep breathe to calm myself before my fingers started to dance away on the white and black tiles. I heard some tables next to the stage go silent as the sad notes echoed. I glanced at the crowd and they were almost all paying attention to me. No pressure, Karnstein._

**_I’m trying to hold my breath_ **

**_Let it stay this way_ **

**_Can’t let this moment end_ **

**_You set off a dream in me_ **

**_Getting louder now_ **

**_Can you hear it echoing?_ **

_As I glanced again at the crowd, more faces were turned to me and the silence in the room was getting louder._

**_Take my hand_ **

**_Will you share this with me?_ **

**_‘Cause darling, without you_ **

_I focused all of my attention back to the notes to the chorus. I felt a knot forming in my throat but I wouldn’t dare to let it ruin the song. At least not that part._

**_All the shine of a thousand spotlights_ **

**_All the stars we steal from the night sky_ **

**_Will never be enough_ **

**_Never be enough_ **

_Something made me look up from the piano. By that time my fingers were already used to the movement and were tapping the notes perfectly without needing my attention on it. I glanced up at the bar and I saw you there. I don’t know for how long you were standing there, next to the bar, but I figured it was enough for you to have heard the entire lyrics so far. My eyes met yours, filled with sadness and maybe what was a little bit of regret. The whole world was just a blur and suddenly you were all that I saw. You stared at me and I couldn’t look away. You moved, walking towards the stage in the slowest of the paces. I turned my attention back to the notes, otherwise I’d cry._

**_Towers of gold are still too little_ **

**_These hands could hold the world_ **

**_But it’ll never be enough_ **

**_Never be enough_ **

**_Never enough_ **

**_Never enough_ **

_A note. A single white tile for me to finish the song._

**_For you._ **

_I looked up again and everybody was standing up, clapping and cheering for me. I saw some sad eyes and some shed tears on their faces._

_I thanked them with a fake smile. My heart was aching. I saw you and you heard all I wanted to say but you looked so hurt that I regretted it. I regretted writing that stupid song, and even thinking about it. You heard it and I know somehow I hurt you too with those words so as soon as I stopped singing, I regretted it. You said you wouldn’t go, but still there you were. It was almost ten at night and you went. Maybe you wanted to talk to me, maybe you just wanted to see me for a bit, hiding behind the bar, and leave, but still you went. And you stayed. And you looked so hurt. I wanted to cry._

_Suddenly I lost the sight of you and for a moment I wondered if my mind was playing tricks on me and if I had actually imagined the whole thing. I looked everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. You couldn’t have gone to the bathroom, because you’d have to pass by me. You weren’t sitting at the bar. You weren’t anywhere._

_I thanked them all and finished the night. As I hopped off the bench, a waitress who works there came up to me with a napkin in hands._

_“For you,” she said louder than the claps and the whistles._

_I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to break into any more pieces. It did._

**_‘you will always be enough for me’_ **

_I know your handwriting. Even if it was shaky and had some round spots, tear spots, on top of it. I could recognize anything about you from miles._

_I packed my things as soon as possible and told the manager I’d come the next day to get my paycheck. I needed to see you and I was not waiting another week or so. Whatever you had going on, we could go through it together, Laur. I wouldn’t have judged you. I could never. I just wanted to see you and I wanted so bad to know why, every time we saw each other, you seemed to change your mind about me. Why you always showed that you didn’t really like me the same way I did when we were out of the house, but as soon as we stepped into your living room and closed the door behind us you’d show nothing but love. You always showed me mixed feelings. Your face and your actions showed that I was totally reading the signs wrong, but your eyes showed nothing but love. I needed to talk to you to understand that because I couldn’t stay like that anymore. I was done with hurting. I had hurt for so long after Ell and I was so done feeling like I didn’t deserve love. Your love. I know you didn’t mean to, but not knowing if you could ever love me the same way I love you hurt more than anything Ell could’ve done to me._

**_Carmilla (10:47PM): Laur, can we talk?_ **

**_Carmilla (10:49PM): I’m coming over to your place, okay?_ **

**_Carmilla (10:51PM): Please, I just need to see you_ **

**_Carmilla (11:00PM): Laura, I know you’re home. I can see the bathroom light._ **

_I stood on your sidewalk, all the lights were off except one coming from your bathroom. I guess you forgot to turn that one down to pretend you weren’t home. I walked to your front porch and waited there, waiting to hear any noise._

_I heard footsteps. Light ones. I knew you were standing behind that door, wondering if you should open it or not._

_But then you did._

_You were in your pajamas, hair up in a messy ponytail and that I remember well. But the memory that burns in my head about that day were your eyes. It seemed like you’d been crying for days. They were swollen and you had swollen dark circles under your eyes. I wasn’t the only one hurting with all of that and back then I didn’t know how incredibly harder it was for you._

_All the lights were down but the lamppost on your sidewalk lightened just a little bit of your face. Then I saw the unshed tears. You didn’t move, you didn’t say anything. I stepped closer and pulled you in a hug. The tightest of them all. As soon as our bodies pressed against each other’s, you broke down. Your sobs came so hard that you whole body was shaking. Your face was buried in my neck, your arms squeezing my waist tightly._

_“I’m sorry,” you whispered between hiccups and I pressed our bodies closer, if it was even possible. “I’m sorry, Carm.”_

_“It’s okay, Laur,” I said under my breath, fighting so hard to hold back the tears. At that moment I forgot all the pain I was in, all of the heartaches were gone. All I wanted was for you to be okay. Truly okay._

_“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”_

_“You didn’t hurt me,” I lied. This time I managed to keep a steady voice because maybe I didn’t want to believe that you did. You didn’t mean it and I know that, Laur, I really do, but it still hurt so. fucking. much._

_You let go of me. I reached for the switch and turned the light on before I closed the door behind us._

_“I’m so sorry, Carm.” Your eyes were looking down at your own feet, your fingers were pinching the corner of your thumb. Your eyes met mine and I couldn’t hold it in anymore._

_I cupped your cheeks with my hands and pulled your face close enough that our lips were brushing against each other’s, barely enough. I waited to see if you wanted it as much as I did. You tilted your head a little bit to the side, desperate for more contact, so I took your lips in mine and I felt the bag of butterflies explode inside me. The cold feeling was back with all its force. The tingly sensation at the tip of my fingers that so needed to touch you again came back. The shivers that ran down my spine every time I was with you were all over my body in goose bump form. Your hands came up to my face too, your fingers brushing my jawline so fondly. Our lungs screamed for oxygen, so we parted. I wiped the trail left by your tears on your cheek, biting my bottom lip hardly trying not to cry._

_I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say that it was okay, that **I** was okay, but neither did I believe in it. It wasn’t true. I wasn’t okay. I still felt like you didn’t like me back or that you could never, ever, like me the same way and it hurt to stand there in silence because I knew you were waiting for that response, the one I couldn’t give you._

_I stepped back and grabbed the doorknob, but before I could turn it to open the door, I heard your voice._

_“Please don’t go,” you whispered and your voice came out weak. “Stay in. Just for tonight. Please.”_

_You weren’t asking just because you didn’t want to sleep alone. Your voice was in a different tone that day and I still can’t put my finger on what it was. You weren’t asking, you were begging. You begged me to stay. And yet I didn’t have the nerve to beg you to stay the day you left._

_I looked at you and you were crying again. I noticed how you kept your hands away from me, as if I could burn you if your skin even touched mine. You were desperate. You looked at me in pure desperation and I was torn._

_I put my guitar case down and I stayed._

_I stayed because, not only you needed me that night, I also needed you to heal my wounds. I know you didn’t mean to rip my wounds open again, but I’m just too fucked up, Laura. People broke my heart too many times and I don’t think I’ll ever be good again to give you the love you deserve. I couldn’t handle having my heartbroken again and when it did, I just started doubting everything and every feeling towards me and, unfortunately, your feelings as well._

_I never meant to hurt you, Laura. I never meant to make you scared or unsafe. All I want in the world is for you to feel safe and loved and all the good things, but in my arms. Next to me. I know you don’t need me to, but all I want is to protect you from the bad things this world can bring you._

_Just like that night, tonight I needed you the most. I really hope we can talk about it all one day. But, for now, I hope these letters will do the job, even if you’ll never read them._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, how's everybody's hearts? Mine is definitely broken and gone. Let me know what your thoughts are and thank you for reading. I'll see you next Saturday! :)


	9. Slipping Through My Fingers (All The Time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Laura gets an answer that could decide her entire future. Back in the day, regret is eating Carmilla alive and there's nothing she can do... yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful creatures!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much as I did.   
> Again, my amazing friend Deena helped me with the correction of this chapter, so another kudo to her!

“Did you just see a ghost or something?”

Will’s voice startled Laura. She had been sitting on that chair in the waiting room for her whole lunch hour with the sealed envelope in hands. The stamp with the company’s logo and the director’s name on it was making Laura’s head spin and she, for a second, doubted if she had made the right decision. If, once again, she had made a choice with her heart when she knew it wasn’t always the best option.

“Yeah, his name is Will,” she snapped playfully. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just passing by and I saw you staring at that envelope, which I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s the application and that you’re in for that job.”

“I’m not opening it,” Laura said, straightening her back. She held envelope towards Will, who stared at her with wide eyes. “You do it.”

“Why _me?_ ”

“Because I asked you very nicely.”

“Ok, first of all, no, you did not,” He took the envelope from her hands, the fear on Laura’s face still making its presence known. “And secondly, _you_ are the one getting the job so you have to do it, Laura. I mean, have you even told Carmilla that you applied for the job?”

“No!” Laura shouted involuntarily, defensive. “I mean, no. And I’m not sure if it’s my place to do so. I did leave and I didn’t even know if I was getting _this_ job,” She pointed to the envelope with her head. “in the first place. I didn’t want to give her false hopes.”

“Laura, you have a folder on your phone with dozens of pictures of her, so it _is_ your place to do it. But I get where you’re coming from with the fake hope and stuff.” Will smiled softly, rubbing his hand against Laura’s gently as he tried to comfort her. Her eyes showed desperation.

“Ok, now open it.” She said. “No, don’t do it. Actually, do it. Ok, no, wait until I’m out of the room.”

“Laura, calm down! You’re going to break any second. I think it’s better if you do it alone. Open it when you’re ready. But, you know, don’t take too long because you don’t know what’s written in there. You know, you may need to hand out documents and stuff.”

Will knew it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t do it for Laura. She needed to do it herself so she could get centered and figure out what she was going to do next about everything. About the job, about Carmilla, about every little decision. She was too nervous and maybe that’s because she needed to do it at her own pace and not just because she felt the need to.

Laura sighed heavily. She took the envelope back from his hand and took one last look at it before she looked up again.

“Okay,” She agreed. She scoffed as she ran her hands through her hair. “It’s funny because I tried so hard to push those feelings for Carmilla down, trying to convince myself that I was crazy and that we were just friends, but now look at me. I’m a complete mess and this might be the craziest step of my life, and here I am.”

“That, cutie pie, is called love.” He stated the obvious.

“I know,” Laura smiled. “And you know, I kind of like to feel all of those butterflies when I hear her name, but being so far from her hurts way more. If I don’t do it, I won’t be able to move on with my life. Do you think I’m a crazy person?”

The hallways were never quieter. The sound of Laura’s heels taping against the hard floor were never this loud and it was making Laura anxious.

“Laura, you’re not crazy.” Will answered, stopping in the middle of the hallway. He took Laura’s hand, forcing her to look at him. “You _love_ Carmilla and your situation with her is complicated, yes, but it’s also the fuel keeping you going. Everything you’ve done in the past week was purely for the purpose of this answer that you’re holding. Don’t get me wrong, you’re an outstanding journalist, but the pieces you wrote last week were the best pieces I’ve seen since I got in here. I’ve been working here for four years. She makes you happy and you need that. You need that Carmilla-fuel to keep going and if that’s what you need to do to be happy, who cares if it’s craziness or not? You do you and everything will be back in its place.”

Will always knew what to say and exactly what Laura wanted and needed to hear. She smiled at him, nodding her head lightly in agreement.

“And hopefully you’ll do Carmilla.” He looked at Laura mischievously with both his eyebrows quirked up, making Laura gasp and hit his arm. He fell into laughter.

“Oh, my God, you jerk!”

A ring came from Laura’s phone, followed by a buzz. She took her phone out from her pocket and a smile immediately grew on her face as she read the name on the screen.

**_Carm (9:31AM): I’m awake before 10 and it wasn’t even Perry who woke me up. That’s rude._ **

**_Carm (9:31AM): Good morning, Cupcake._ **

“You changed her name on your phone?” Will asked, eyes fixed on Laura’s phone and he didn’t even try to disguise.

“Are you snooping on my phone?” Laura hid the screen from the man, putting it against her chest.

“Yes.” He said with a smug. “I’m kidding. I just know that when you smile that big it’s because Carmilla texted you. And you’ve been smiling a lot lately looking at that thing.”

“Yeah, things are… the best they can be. I know she misses me and she knows I miss her like crazy. At least I think she does.”

“I’m happy that you’re happy, Laur.”

“Happy is kind of an overstatement, but thanks, Will. You’re the best.” She smiled before she hugged his muscly arm.

“Now, you just need to…” He pointed with his head to her hand, the one holding the envelope. Laura looked at her phone again, Carmilla’s name making her cheek muscles contract almost immediately.

“I know,” She said. “I’ll do it later and I’ll tell you what it said.”

“You better,” He started, dodging from the smaller girl’s touch. “Tell Carmilla I said hi!”

“I won’t!” Laura yelled back at him, who was almost disappearing down the hallway.

“I know!” He shouted back, leaving Laura alone with an envelope filled with her hopes. It was truly all or nothing and Laura couldn’t dare to mess that up now.

* * *

Carmilla had been staring at her phone for exactly eleven minutes (she counted), not knowing if pressing the call button was a good idea.

_But she missed Laura so much_.

Without any more hesitation, she pressed the call button open on her FaceTime window. It rang a few times before the screen went black for a second before revealing Laura’s face in a pop up.

_“Hello?”_

Carmilla’s face immediately lit up. Seeing the strands of hazel hair falling on Laura’s face from her messy bun made something inside Carmilla churn and she wasn’t sure if that sensation she was feeling made her want to cry or if she was just bursting out of happiness. It took a moment for Laura to realize what was going on, but as soon as she saw Carmilla smiling at her, she couldn’t help to feel that tug in her heart and the brightest, biggest smile grew on her face as well.

_“Hi, Carm.”_

_She looks so different,_ Carmilla thought. The dark circles under her eyes were a little bit more swollen and a little bit darker and Carmilla figured the other girl wasn’t getting enough sleep at all. Not that it surprised Carmilla, because Laura could go a whole day without getting five minutes of rest like a child who had too much sugar. She had two small pimples on her forehead that weren’t there the last day she saw her. Her cheeks were smaller and her neck too. Laura wasn’t eating.

“Hi, Laur.” Carmilla had to use all the strength she had to make her voice come out clean. She couldn’t help but notice that Laura was smiling the entire time, but it still had a certain sadness to it. “Too late? I know it’s past nine.”

_“Not at all. I was about to start an article that I need to send by tomorrow morning.”_ Laura moved something around off camera, the papers making a noise in the background before she held up a pile of it.

“Oh, sorry! Well, uhm, I’ll call you tomorrow then. Or, uhm…” Carmilla rambled, looking anywhere but at the screen.

_“Carm, it’s okay, really. I’m not that tired and I have all night.”_ Laura answered with a chuckle, her hand bringing a cup of hot, steamy coffee to her mouth. Carmilla quirked up an eyebrow as soon as she realized the amount of caffeine she must’ve been pouring into her body.

“That cup of coffee at 9:30 says exactly that, Cupcake.” Carmilla said. The familiar smug look on her face and the fond nickname Carmilla had given her made Laura feel those butterflies trying to escape.

The call went quiet. Both of them just staring at each other. Laura holding her phone next to her face and Carmilla just holding it as she laid on her stomach, pressing that yellow pillow she stole from Laura – it didn’t smell like her anymore – tightly against her chest.

There was so much to say, but yet nothing at all. Carmilla wanted to say so many things, but at the same time she couldn’t.

Laura felt the same and it was eating her alive to see Carmilla so close, yet so far, and not be able to just spit it all out. To just say the words she knew Carmilla wanted to hear. That Carmilla _needed_ to hear.

_“I’m sorry, Carm.”_ After a few seconds, Laura’s voice echoed through Carmilla’s phone and the dark-haired girl felt her chest tighten. Carmilla sighed deeply as she ran her fingers through her hair.

“Laura, no, don’t even st—“

_“No, Carmilla, listen to me.”_ Laura said, cutting Carmilla off before she could say anything else. _“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I couldn’t… I’m sorry.”_

Laura swore mentally for not saying those three words she knew Carmilla wanted and was waiting to hear. She didn’t want it to be something she said for the first time over a video call. She wanted to tell her in person, holding her hands while her eyes were fixed on Carmilla’s.

“You don’t need to apologize, Laura. It’s fine, really. You did what you had to do and I could never, _ever_ blame you for that. It’s your life, your career. I wouldn’t get between that.”

Carmilla watched Laura’s face as she spoke, as Laura spoke and it turned to sadness and regret in a matter of seconds.

_“I hurt you.”_ Laura said, her voice the lowest it could be as she kept her gaze on her lap. _“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”_

“Laura, you didn’t hurt me.” Carmilla lied.

_“You could’ve asked me to stay.”_

“I wouldn’t do that to you. Your career is the most important thing, Laur, and I couldn’t stand between that.”

Carmilla’s words came cutting Laura like a knife. If there was one thing Laura was sure about anything in her life, it was that Carmilla was on the top 3 of her priorities list and it hurt her the most to leave Carmilla behind. The thought of the dark-haired girl just thinking that she wasn’t enough, that Laura didn’t care about her enough made the hazel-haired girl question if _she_ meant to Carmilla as much she meant to her. Laura knew she had a parcel of guilt in all of this. She knew that after all that happened after their first kiss and everything she needed to show Carmilla that she loved her and yet she didn’t do it. Not in the way Carmilla needed her to.

_“Are you seriously saying that to me right now? Carmilla, I **begged** you to ask me to stay because leaving you behind was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. The thought of ever making you feel like you’re not enough or that I don’t care about you is still, to this day, eating me alive. Every. Single. Day.” _

Carmilla couldn’t say anything. She could barely look up at her phone, she wouldn’t dare. Not with her eyes filled with unshed tears like that. She couldn’t show Laura how hurt she was with all of that, not when she had just told her that she didn’t hurt her. Laura sniffed on the other side of the screen and Carmilla didn’t need to look at it to know the other girl was crying as well. With her peripheral vision she caught a glimpse of Laura wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand before she spoke.

“I’m sorry.” Carmilla whispered.

_“You think I don’t miss seeing you every Wednesday? Every day? You really think that I don’t miss that feeling that came bursting in my chest every time you hugged me or grabbed my hand when we were just laying down watching a movie or doing, literally, anything else? I miss you like someone cut a hole in me, Carm.”_

“I miss you too, Laur. So much. So much it hurts. It physically hurts and I hate it that I can’t do anything about it. But there’s just so much…” Carmilla finally looked up as she spoke, watching Laura turn her gaze back down to, what she guessed was, the papers.

The hazel-haired girl nodded gently with every word. She knew it. She knew that there was still too much unsolved things between them, so much to talk about. If Laura was being honest, she knew she kept running away from all of that. Not intentionally, because running away from Carmilla was something that she couldn’t even think of doing. _Being away_ from her was torture. She was running away from the situation out of pure fear.

_“I know.”_ Laura said, the defeat clear in her voice. She knew they had things to solve. She knew she needed to show Carmilla that she loved her, but she couldn’t do that on those terms. _“I know and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m in New York. I’m sorry.”_

“Don’t apologize.” Carmilla said again. “You’re living your life and I can’t stop you from doing that. You’re building your career up and the job that you have… it’s huge, Cupcake. Sometimes I just wish you were here with me, but meh, who cares about me.” Carmilla smiled weakly, watching Laura’s face, searching for any type of change. A weak smile, maybe. Anything.

Nothing.

_“I do. I do care about you, Carm, and it hurts so much that I can’t do anything about it. That I just can’t make you feel better. That I can’t show you that you mean the world to me because me saying it seems to not be enough.”_ She could. She wanted to. But not like this. She stopped for a second, watching Carmilla’s face. She didn’t even flinch. Carmilla kept her gaze down somewhere off the screen as she listened to Laura’s unsteady voice. _“You’re enough, Carm. You’re more than enough and I care so much about you, you know that.”_

 “Yeah…” Carmilla gave up. She was not going to force Laura to talk about her feelings. She didn’t want Laura to feel bad. Worse. Whatever. “Uh, I need to go, Laur. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Take care, okay?”

_“Yeah, okay. You too.”_ Laura’s voice broke completely, letting her cry take over.

Carmilla took a last look at Laura’s features. It seemed like, at some point, Laura had put her phone standing on a table or something because she was farther away from the screen now, which still didn’t stop Carmilla from noticing the red, puffy eyes.

Laura was the one who ended the call and as soon as she did, she broke into tears.

“I love you, Carmilla. Shouldn’t that be something good?” She whispered to herself as she stared at Carmilla’s name still on her ‘ _Recent Calls’_ screen.

“I love you, Laura.” Carmilla said as she watched Laura disappearing from her screen, leaving her with that heartache she totally didn’t miss.

The dark-haired girl looked over at the time on the top center of her phone. It was late. Very late.

But to hell with that.

With paper and pen in hands, she allowed herself to pour down the feelings on the paper.

_Toronto, March 3 rd, 2019._

_I feel like a weight has been lifted up from my shoulders after talking to you, **seeing** you. I called you. It’s late at night but you still picked up. You needed to do something for work but you stopped to talk to me. You seem skinnier than you were when you left and I hope that you’re eating (or, at least, trying to) the way you should. The call went great, you know that… for two whole minutes. Then all of our pain and hurt came down on us, crushing us back to 0. I don’t know what else to do with this feeling that I’m always hurting you. That you’re this fragile eggshell and I’m the sharpest object around because every time I try talking to you or when you hear my name, you end up in that bad place again. And I swear, Laur, I wish I could do something about this. I wish I could bring you back to my arms and just yell at four winds and say to you that I love you. Maybe, if I had said it, you’d still be here. Maybe, if **I** had said it, we’d be together now and not hiding in my room, crying at midnight because I miss you so much, because I know that I could’ve done something. But how could I interfere in your career? How would I deal with the feeling of it being too selfish? **Would it be selfish?**_

_I wasn’t even sure back then that you really liked me. All I had was your twisted actions that got me confused for a whole month. I don’t blame you. Now that I know **why** I totally understand why you acted the way you did. _

_If I had known what was going on, I wouldn’t have got confused about everything that happened after our kiss; after the gig; after that night. I came to your place, you begged me to stay – just like I should’ve done when you were leaving to NY, but that’s a story for another time._

_That night you fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t even bother to undress, or borrow a pair of pyjamas from you. I laid down with you in your single bed, and, as soon as your arms wrapped around my body and you rested your head on my chest, it took you thirty seconds to fall asleep. It was like I gave you the comfort you needed to finally rest. After that I thought everything was going to be okay and, you know, maybe, **maybe** we could be something else._

_I was wrong. Kind of._

_You started to push me away a little. We were still seeing each other. We’d still kiss each other before we went to sleep when you came over to my place. We’d still kiss each other when we were bored, just lying on the couch. We’d still hold hands – inside four walls. But, as the time went by, you started to minimize the touches, the kisses. You were always busy and that was okay because you really did work a lot. But I still didn’t understand why._

_“Where’s your girlfriend? I haven’t seen her in a while.” Perry walked into the living room, holding something she had baked for us, but I wasn’t that hungry. I scoffed._

_“Who?”_

_“Uh, Laura?”_

_“She’s not my girlfriend,” I snapped. Perry quirked her eyebrows up and looked at me._

_“You were doing very girlfriend-y things just the other day.”_

_“That was before,” I sighed deeply. I did **not** want to have that conversation, not after not talking to you or even seeing you for days. “She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even like me. I’m ridiculous. I should’ve known. But yeah, go off, Carmilla, fall in love with the girl.” I said as I got up, mostly to myself. The frustration was clear in my voice and anyone could hear it. _

_“Carm, what happened?” Perry asked quietly, just watching me pacing around. I bit my lower lip and a tremble was visible in my chin._

_“She doesn’t like me… like that.” A sob came. “God, I should’ve learned from Ell.”_

_“Care to explain what happened?” Perry patted on the couch on a spot next to her. I knew she wouldn’t leave me alone, so I sat down._

_“She doesn’t like me, Perry. I thought that, maybe, she had, I don’t know, feelings or something for me. Turns out she doesn’t. I kissed her and she just ran.”_

_“What do you mean she ‘ran’?”_

_That burning sensation in the back of my eyes was making its presence known again._

_“It seemed like she was scared. Scared to be with me. I don’t know, maybe she realized that she really doesn’t like me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t blame her.” I shrugged, but the thought made me want to curl into a ball for the ache to go away._

_“Maybe it’s more than that, Carm. You kissed her and that’s okay because, seriously, I can feel the tension from a hundred miles away.” Perry tried to lighten the mood a little, but with no success. There was no light when it came to that subject. “Maybe, just like you, she’s afraid of feeling too. Maybe she can’t control it.”_

_“Perhaps I could help her if she’d just talked to me.” I said with gritted teeth. You know, Laura, I wasn’t mad because you didn’t talk to me. It might seem like I was, but I was mad because I couldn’t help you with whatever you were feeling. Perry sighed deeply before she continued._

_“Carm, you’ve been going out with that girl for almost three months now. You guys share a lot of things. Maybe she’s just not ready to talk about whatever it is that she’s feeling or what’s bothering her. It could be deeper than we think, so deep that even Laura doesn’t know how to deal with whatever it is. We just don’t know, Carm. And it’s not your place, my place or anybody’s place to push her to talk about it. I know it hurts and I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing we can do.”_

_Sometimes I think Perry is a witch, to be completely honest with you. I don’t know how she always knows what to say, even in the most desperate times. Everything she said was true. Of course the way she says it sometimes it’s all twisty and stuff, but she was right._

_“There are some things that we are just not ready to talk about yet. Just like you flinch every time you see a red car like Ell’s when you’re not even sure if it’s her. I bet Laura doesn’t know about that.” And just the fact that Perry mentioned it made me shiver._

_“No…” I shook my head. “But maybe if she just **tried** to talk to me we could figure it out together.”_

_“Maybe. Maybe not. We don’t know, Carm. You can’t force it. Just… let it be.”_

_Perry was right (as always). You really couldn’t control it and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t see it before. I’m sorry that I pushed you to talk about it so soon. Now I know I’m not the only one who got hurt in that process._

_But I wanted to see you happy so bad. I wanted to see you smiling like you always do when we went out to get Mexican food at midnight. I wanted to see that shine in your eyes and not that reddish color because you’ve been crying and, worse – because of me. I wanted to see you just as happy as a very specific day that’s still so vivid in my mind that it makes me smile just thinking about it._

_“Carmilla, are you sure this is right?” You asked me as you stared comprehensive at the gear._

_It was very rainy that day and I needed to get out of the house otherwise I’d totally go crazy. We had spent an entire weekend at home, watching the city drowning in water. After a lot of complaints about how hungry you were and that you were so tired of eating pasta, I borrowed Perry’s keys (without her consent, obviously) to take you to eat anywhere, anything but pasta._

_“Yes, Laur, this is right.” I said, looking at the review mirror before I reached for the control to open the garage gate. “I know what I’m doing.”_

_“From what I remember from the four driving classes I attended, you’re supposed to use the first gear to start acceleration.”_

_“When you’re learning how to drive, yes, but I’ve got my driver’s license already.” I shifted the gear again as I watched the gate open fully._

_“The car is making weird sounds. I don’t know much about engines, but I do know it’s not supposed to sound like it is being eaten by a dinosaur. Especially Perry’s car.”_

_“It does sound a little odd, but is must be the cold. Or the rain. Or both.” I looked at the review mirror. No cars, no dogs, no elderly people passing by. So I slowly took my foot away from the clutch, but before I had time to think the car had already crashed into the wall. Thank God Perry wasn’t home._

_I looked at you and then to the smashed front of the car, the smoke coming out from it. You were holding a laugh and I didn’t know if I should call Perry, the police or a mechanic. I figured Perry was totally NOT the best idea. The police? Nah. Mechanic it is._

_I was freaking out and it showed on my face. You burst into laughter and I looked at you incredulously._

_“Carm! I told you it was making an odd sound! And you were totally NOT using the first gear!”_

_“Okay, but now that you mentioned it and that… uh, **this** happened, I can see your point.” I reached for my phone and called a mechanic. We still needed to wait thirty minutes. “I’m so screwed.”_

_“I’m sure Perry won’t mind.” You smiled at me, resting your head against the car seat._

_“Have you **met** her?” I quirked my eyebrows up and you rolled your eyes. _

_“I can tell her that you were being so kind to me and taking me out to eat something.”_

_“Oh like you’re her weak spot.”_

_“I’m too nice not to be.”_

_“Uh and humble too!” I mocked and you (gently) hit my thigh. “Are you okay? Like, did you get hurt?”_

_“I’m fine, Carm. Don’t worry. Your wallet, though…”_

_“It’s going to suffer, yes.” I added. “And also you, because now we have to stick with our pasta night.”_

_“That’s fine by me, Carm.” You said, looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes and that smile that made my heart jump in my chest. “As long as I’m with you.”_

_“With me it is, then.” I smiled at you, feeling my chest tightening at each word._

_But those are all memories. That’s kind of what you are as well, at this moment. The most beautiful memory I have. I can still hear your laughter vividly from that day as we walked out of the smashed car and walked inside again. The defeat in our faces because we were too excited to eat anything else, really. But, that day, Laura, I was just so happy to be with you. I didn’t care about the food. In fact, I wasn’t even hungry at all. I couldn’t. Because with you my stomach is always filled with butterflies. Seeing you always made me feel good and happy._

_Today wasn’t any different, except it was. Seeing you wasn’t just sweet, as it always was. It was bittersweet. It hurt so much but at the same time I really needed to hear your voice and just see your eyes shining again. Really seeing them and not just the image I have in my head from the day you left. Your eyes were sad that day and I know it because, again, your eyes can’t lie. Just like they didn’t lie when I saw something sparkly in them that day. The day we kissed._

_And, the same way I saw it growing in your eyes, I saw it die the day you left._

_I’m so sorry I didn’t beg you to stay. I’m so sorry I didn’t say I love you before. Now I know you really needed it. I’m sorry for not being what you deserve._

_I’m sorry you’re hurt. I know you are and I know it’s my fault. I wish I could fix the damage, but since you left I’m too broken to put anyone back together._

_I love you. I miss you. Please, come back._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

* * *

One. Two. Three. Four.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Laura repeated that sequence in her head around fifteen times before she had the courage to stand up and search for the envelope in her purse. She needed to do it. After seeing Carmilla so broken and so hurt because of her, Laura needed to do something. Anything. She needed an answer.

With envelope in hands, she started ripping the paper as slow as she could. Her heart was beating extremely hard against her sternum and she thought she might throw up. Anxiety was eating her alive and she prayed to all Gods to please, please, let it happen because she couldn’t just let things with Carmilla be like that.

Laura’s shaky fingers unfolded the paper. As she started to read, her eyes searched for that key word that she so needed to find.

****

**_Dear Laura Hollis,_ **

**_This letter has been sent to you in response to your previous request about the job vacancy you applied for. We feel honored and extremely happy writing this letter to you to announce that you’ve been accepted for the Correspondent vacancy in Toronto for the New York Times. We are sure that you will keep on doing an outstanding job and we cannot wait to see what you will bring to our company in the future._ **

**_Please send your documents with a signed request and a copy of your application to the following e-mail within two days so we can give continuity to the process as fast as we can._ **

**_We will wait to hear from you._ **

**_Most regards,_ **

**_The New York Times Director’s Board._ **

Laura got the job. The smile on her face and the weight lifted up from her shoulders were, at that moment, the best thing she had felt in weeks.

Laura got the job. She was going to be a Correspondent for the New York Times.

In Toronto.

Laura was going back to Toronto.

Laura was going back to Toronto and she didn’t know if she should tell Carmilla.

Laura was going back and, for now, that was enough for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I may give you a little spoiler of what's to come, I'd say get ready to some Laura background-point-of-view thingamabob...   
> Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and i'll see you next Saturday!


	10. We're Far From The Shallow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's past and fears are revealed and hearts get broken and mended back together, all at once. 
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING: psychologically/emotionally abusive parent-children relationship)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful creatures! How is everybody doing?  
> Here I am with this long, long, LONG chapter to you! I hope you don't mind.  
> As I mentioned before, this chapter contains A LOT of backstory, but it'll be extremely necessary for the storyline. It's not 100% Laura's "point of view", but it kinda is. You'll understand as soon as you start reading.  
> The content in this chapter is extremely personal and triggering FOR ME because about 90% of the situations in this chapter are things I experienced myself. I know it might be a trigger for some folks as well, that's why I added the warning in the summary. 
> 
> That said, I hope I don't disappoint you with this chapter because it really means a lot to me that I was able to write something that makes me feel so vulnerable and oh, my God, I'm going to stop talking now so you can finally get to read the chapter.

**LAURA – 13 MONTHS BEFORE**

Laura didn’t even want to get out of bed that day. It was raining, cold and perfect to just be in bed and not get up at 6AM to cover for Alice. The hazel-haired girl did have a headache and she would be lying if she said she didn’t complain when Alice texted her earlier. Okay, being sick wasn’t completely Alice’s fault, but, seriously, what press could anyone possibly be doing at 9 in the morning?

Very reluctantly, Laura arrived at the office at 8 sharp. Her boss was already running around, either on the phone or… on the phone.

“Hollis, thank God you’re here.” Laura heard Mattie, her boss, approaching her as she held her phone between her shoulder and her cheek onto her ear. “Alice is not coming today and I need you to cover for her.”

“Yeah, she actually texted me this morning and told me she has this terrible flu or whatever. Where do you need me?”

“There’s a press conference of local authors and I need you to get an interview with a specific one. She released her first book and it has good ratings, so that’s where you’re headed.” Mattie said to Laura. She started to walk towards her desk and Laura could only follow. Mattie was never one to give spoken directions anyways. She opened a drawer and took a yellow envelope from it, and then a white paper from the envelope. “I need you to get answers to these questions. And a review about the book, too. Have you read it?”

“What book?” Laura immediately regretted asking anything when she saw Mattie’s deadpan expression. “Uh, you know what? I’ll get started on that as soon as possible.”

“Good, you do that. I need to—” Mattie pointed to the phone on her shoulder and walked away, saying some very rude things to whoever was on the other end of the line.

Laura read the name on the paper and something about it seemed too familiar. _Carmilla Karnstein._ She’d seen that name before. As Laura kept reading those dumb questions that she definitely would _not_ be doing, she spotted the book’s name and she was sure she felt something her heart jump into her throat.

_The Scars She Gave Me._

Her favorite book.

The book she actually had read three times in a week. The book she had a copy of laying on her shelf where nobody, not even her, could reach. Before Laura left the building, she smashed the paper into a ball and threw it in the nearest trash can.

Laura had never arrived at any destination that fast before. She didn’t even bother to wait for her colleagues.

The place was probably too overcrowded and exceeded at least three maximum persons limits, but nothing Laura hadn’t faced before. Sure it was hard to walk around, but after a lot of _excuse me’s_ and _I’m sorry_ ’s, the hazel-haired girl spotted the giant banner with Carmilla’s book on it and her name under the picture. Behind that banner, Laura caught a glimpse of Carmilla sitting there, just waiting for someone to come up and ask those inappropriate questions. But no, not Laura. She looked down at her hands and immediately blushed when she realized she was wearing her old mittens because, apparently, her hands hadn’t grown with her body and were way too small for a 20-year-old girl. Something about those dark curls at the bottom of Carmilla’s hair and the contrast it made with her very vampire-ish pale skin drew Laura’s attention entirely and fully to her.

Laura had twenty minutes to talk to Carmilla and get everything Mattie asked her for. Actually, she had twenty minutes to get in there and ask everything _she_ wanted because those questions her boss handed her earlier were just nonsense. She wasn’t about to ask her if she’d still choose to be a writer if she knew the amount of money she’d receive later on her paycheck.

As soon as she walked into the room, she was greeted with the most beautiful, mysterious smile she’d ever seen in her life. Carmilla just had that air of mystery. And, somehow, that affected Laura on so many levels that not even Laura herself was aware. Her shaky hands weren’t just because of the cold and how she couldn’t look away from those dark, brown eyes… Well, she didn’t have an explanation for that, but deep inside there was one.

At least that’s what Laura thought.

Their minds seemed to click so easily. Everything they talked about, the way Laura seemed to put every little piece about the feelings behind those characters just by talking to Carmilla about it was something that Laura had never felt before. She didn’t even know what it was, but it was something good, she could feel it.

She found out that Carmilla was even more intelligent than she thought. Not only because of the book, no, but the way she talked and her body language… There was just something about her. Something that totally drew Laura and she couldn’t stop staring at Carmilla and at how her lips seemed to swing at each word, how her hands danced in the air, gesticulating every word, seemed to be completely different, just because it was Carmilla.

Once outside, she opened the copy of the book Carmilla had just given her. Her handwriting was beautiful and Laura could tell she had a calligraphy book as a child because her capital letters had artistic traces on every end. The little note she had left inside it made Laura blush and she didn’t even understand why. It was just words. Random words written on a piece of paper. With her pen. But that was okay, whatever.

That day, Laura couldn’t get Carmilla out of her head, not even for a second.

A week later, she still had Carmilla on her mind. The sweet smile and every bit of that interview was playing inside her head as she walked into another press event. But, for that one, she wasn’t there for Carmilla. Unfortunately.

It was raining a lot and Laura just wanted to get home, but not with the water covering half of her body. She watched the people come and go, most of them just going. Going to their houses, going wherever they were, but just leaving that place. It was cold. Laura had definitely not thought the weather through when she picked that thin sweater. Shivering as she was, she felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped in surprise, her heart missing a beat. When she saw Carmilla, her heart skipped another beat and, suddenly, going home was too overrated.

**LAURA – 10 MONTHS BEFORE**

Her father’s visit later that month was totally unexpected and Laura wasn’t sure if she was prepared to face him after what happened at the Anglerfish.

The thing with Carmilla was that Laura didn’t worry about anything else when she was with her. Once in her arms, Laura completely forgot about all the ups and downs she had to go through with her father, she forgot everything she was scared of because Carmilla gave her peace. Carmilla was her safe haven. The way she, sneakily, reached for her cold hands when they were outside always made her shiver in the best way possible. She’d tremble in coldness, but her face would burn as if it was fire itself. Every time Carmilla smiled at her or simply laughed at something she said, Laura would feel a weird feeling in her stomach – a good one.

Carmilla made her feel all the things she’s never felt before and there was no denying that.

That was the thing scaring her the most.

The heart versus head battle inside her own mind was draining all the strength she had. She knew what she felt for Carmilla wasn’t just some fondness, she didn’t _just_ _care_ about her _._ It was something more. And she was okay with that, she truly was. But every time her father popped into her mind and what he would have to say about that always brought Laura to rock bottom. _Maybe he won’t care this time_ , _with this particular subject,_ Laura thought, _it’s not something he can control. Damn, **I** can’t control it either. _So, so far, she was okay with feeling something more towards Carmilla.

Her father’s visit made her second guess every decision she’s made about her life and her job.

“Is everything okay at your job?” He twisted his fork into the pasta, swirling the dough before he brought the silverware to his mouth. His look at Laura was the most serious she had ever seen. Not that she had seen fondness in his eyes a lot of times, because she certainly would be lying if she said she did.

“Uhum,” she murmured with her mouth full. Only the clanking sound of silverware against dishes was audible in the room. “Great, actually.”

“Have you read those articles I sent you? The ones about Law school?”

Laura felt her heart race a bit because that was a subject she didn’t want to get into. It didn’t matter how many times she told her father she didn’t want to get into Law school, she _wouldn’t_ go to Law school, he never let it go and because of that he made sure to make her life and every decision she made without his approval a living hell. The hazel-haired girl sighed before she swallowed the food and took a huge sip of the cold water in front of her.

“No, dad. I haven’t had the time.” She made sure to sound indifferent and not bothered or even hurt that her father, even after her graduation, after all those years, wouldn’t accept that she loved what she did. That being a journalist was the best part of her.

“You read for a living and you say you haven’t had the time?

Laura could recognize that tone, that sarcasm from miles away. That same tone that made her shiver every time her father would come up to her and ask how her grades were because she needed them high if she wanted to have a career in the business. His business. Law business. Not the business Laura wanted to work in. The same tone that would get her trembling under her sheets as she hid from his hard words on how she would never be good enough for him to be proud of her.

She felt the back of her eyes starting to burn and she had to fight so hard not to cry because she wouldn’t dare to cry in front of her father. It never did her any good. Crying was just a tool he’d find to rub in her face how weak she was. He would always find her biggest weakness and just do or say something to make her feel even worse than she already did. He always used it against her and only Laura knew how hurt she was because of that, psychologically speaking. Never, not even once in her life, she had cried in front of him. Not when she broke her arm in fourth grade, not even when she lost her mother.

Her first instinct was to just disappear. She wanted so bad to just get out of his sight and cry. Cry and yell and maybe punch a wall because even after all those years she was still so hurt and mad. Her second was to talk back. She was emotionally worn out from just taking in whatever he wanted to throw at her. No, she wasn’t going to Law school just because he wanted her to. She wasn’t going to Law school just because he thought that being a journalist was _‘a job for people with no sense of future’_. Her third was to just go with it until the night ends and he finally goes back home. Third it was.

“Yes, dad. I’ve been working a lot lately. I’m sorry.” She apologized because, even though deep down she knew she wasn’t wrong and didn’t have anything to be sorry for, he made her believe that whatever reason she had not to obey him, it was wrong and she was to blame. Maybe she really was.

Silence fell between them again. Laura glanced over at the clock on the wall really quick because the time seemed to not pass when she was with her father. Everything hurt too much and was too exhausting and all she wanted to do was just run away from him and from his threats and his twisted way of treating her.

“This is good, Laura.” He said as he took another bite. Laura sighed as the last subject faded away. “Is this your grandmother’s recipe?”

“Actually, it’s not. It’s my own.” She stated, watching his eyes widen and his eyebrows raising to his hairline. “I mean, not totally mine. I found the dough recipe on the internet, but the sauce is all on me.”

“I thought it couldn’t possibly be yours, anyway. You were never good at cooking.” He said as if it was natural, as if it was normal for a father to say those words to his daughter’s face, trying to lighten it up with a soft chuckle. Maybe it was normal, and maybe Laura was just fantasizing about having a father-daughter relationship that only exists in movies and other families. Not hers. “By the way, I met with Nathan just yesterday. He told me he saw you a couple of weeks ago at a bar, with some friends. Do I know them?”

Nathan. Mr. Belmonde. The guy that made Laura scared of even touching a strand of Carmilla’s hair for the rest of the night because what if he had seen something and would ask her father about it? What if he told her father about Carmilla?

What if. What if. What if.

“Oh, yeah, we did meet. It was Danny, Kirsch and, uhm, LaF.” Laura had to swallow three times in order to not say Carmilla’s name.

“He said you looked happy.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips with the memory of Carmilla’s scent in her mind, her profile being the most vivid image of the dark-haired girl she had from that day. She could almost feel Carmilla’s kiss on her cheek again.

“Yes, I was. That day.”

She watched as he stared at her amusement and immediately she obliged herself to change her features. She wasn’t going to give him enough space to ruin that good memory.

“He also mentioned that he told you that Michelle got into Harvard.” He pointed out as he took a long sip of his red wine, his gaze burning Laura’s face.

There was no way out. He would always come back to make her miserable again. There was no way that he’d ever, _ever_ accept whatever she was feeling for Carmilla because it was wrong. For him, at least, it was wrong. Because everything Laura did was somehow wrong, even when there was no right or wrong answer to it. Maybe he was right. What if he was right?

There was no way out of the subject. Laura, psychologically, wore herself out that night. Later, she cried herself to sleep with the fear of not being enough. If she couldn’t be enough for her own father, who would she good enough be for?

**LAURA – 6 MONTHS BEFORE**

The effect that Laura’s father had on her was exhausting io so many levels. It had been months. Months since she last talked to him and still she was deathly afraid of just being happy because of him. Afraid of being happy with Carmilla because of what he would think about it. Afraid if he would approve of it. Afraid that, if he found out, she’d become even more of a disappointment.

All of that seemed to disappear the moment she kissed Carmilla.

That very moment as they were watching the night sky at the lake when their lips pressed together for the first time, after having the desire to do so for so long, was breathtaking. Her heart seemed to want to jump out of her chest as soon as she felt Carmilla’s hands cupping her face to pull her closer as her own did the same and lessened the distance between their faces. She could feel the butterflies exploding, one by one, in her stomach and she was the happiest girl in town.

She was in love with Carmilla Karnstein.

She was in love with Carmilla Karnstein and maybe it was too soon, maybe it was wrong. If it was, she really didn’t want to be right.

But… What if it was _really_ wrong? What if her father was right all along?

Somewhere, deep inside Laura’s head, she heard her father’s voice and those hard words that were his favorite words echoed when she heard a branch cracking somewhere in the background and she just stepped back. She stepped back and all she wanted to do was run. Not away from Carmilla, but away from those thoughts and doubts and the fear of hurting Carmilla in the process of her own hurting because of her father.

What if this love she felt for Carmilla wasn’t really going to last because it was wrong? What if her father was actually right? He couldn’t be. He couldn’t be right because he didn’t know about Carmilla. But what if?

They went back home in total silence. Laura’s head was spinning with so many thoughts and she didn’t even dare to look in Carmilla’s eyes because she knew she’d see confusion and hurt in them. She knew she’d see unasked questions that were spinning in the other girl’s head. And, right at that moment, Laura couldn’t answer them because she couldn’t even figure out what _she_ was feeling. She knew she loved Carmilla and there was no denying that, but there were a lot of things that came along with it. A lot of personal issues and traumas and all things bad.

Loving Carmilla was bittersweet. It brought pain but, at the same time, it was the anesthesia she needed to soothe the ache.

Carmilla was everything she needed, but the dark-haired girl deserved so much more.

The hazel-haired girl knew that Carmilla deserved so much more than this emotional, psychological mess that was Laura Hollis.

And the thought of not being able to love Carmilla in her own way made Laura want to cry. The thought of not being the one making Carmilla happy was the worst of them all, but it brought more harm than good. For both of them.

At least that’s what Laura thought.

**LAURA – 5 MONTHS BEFORE**

“Hi, Dad. You called me earlier, but I was stuck at work and I couldn’t get my phone. I’m sorry.” Laura apologized again because she really didn’t know how to talk to her father without doing so, even though there was nothing for her to be sorry for.

It was late at night, at least for Laura, when she saw the four missed calls from her father on her phone. She’d had an amazing day with Carmilla and she was not in the mood to have it ruined by talking to him.

“I sent you a link, have you seen it?” He asked, his tone was snappish and Laura felt her heart racing in pure fear, pure reflex. He wasn’t there, but his voice was just as scary on the phone as it was in real life.

“Not yet, dad. What is it about?” She swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears inside. She thought she felt her fingers trembling slightly, but maybe it was just her imagination.

“It’s about vacancies for jobs in New York. I think it’d be good for you, to build a career.”

“But I have a career here, dad.” She whispered, making herself almost inaudible purposely. She thought her voice had cracked, but how could it when no sound had come out from her mouth? 

“What was that, Laura?”

“Uh, nothing. I said I’ll take a look at it.” She cleared her throat, firming her voice this time.

“Great. Let me know to which ones you will apply.”

“Dad, my work here is great. I graduated from Journalism school barely two years ago. I have time.”

“When I graduated from Law school I already had a much better job than yours, Laura. You need to step it up. Don’t you want to be happy?”

 _Yes, she wanted to be happy and her happiness was being with Carmilla, wherever she was,_ she heard a voice coming from somewhere deep inside her head.

“Yes, dad. I’m sorry. I’ll take a look at it now and I’ll get back to you.” She apologized again because maybe he was right. Maybe the job she had wasn’t enough and that’s why she was so miserable all the time. Except when she was with Carmilla.

“I’ll be waiting. Don’t disappoint me again.” Laura took a deep breath, soothing a hiccup when she noticed her father had hung up, not even bothering to say goodbye.

Laura let the tears roll down her face. She _was_ a disappointment, no matter how hard she tried. Her father even asked her not to disappoint him because, apparently, that’s what she knew how to do best. Maybe it had something to do with her rejection of going to Law school. Maybe it didn’t. Reluctantly, she tapped on the link her father had sent her via text. She couldn’t point if it was still her father’s voice in her head, but she opened her laptop on the same link on her phone and stared at those three companies in New York. Maybe that’s what was missing. New York was an amazing city and yes, those companies would be a dream to go to.

Daily News. New York Times. New York Post.

Huge companies. Huge, giant companies that Laura didn’t even have the experience, the potential needed to get in. She was too mediocre for that.

With her father’s words in mind, she sent applications to all three of them.

That night, Laura fell asleep hoping to wake up the next day and find at least one acceptance letter. At least one reason to make her dad proud of her. That night, she dreamed she wasn’t a disappointment.

**LAURA – 4 MONTHS BEFORE**

Laura noticed all the signs.

The way Carmilla held her hand. How she seemed to be struck by lightning every time she laid eyes on Laura because she couldn’t stop staring at her even though she knew it would make the hazel-haired girl blush. The protectiveness. All the times Carmilla left her house late at night because Laura couldn’t sleep or because she was sick and refused to take her medicine because, according to her, it tasted like something went really wrong. The way Carmilla brushed her thumb on her cheek every time Laura rested her head on her shoulder when they watched TV. How Carmilla would stay still as Laura slept on her arm and the dark-haired girl didn’t even care that she wasn’t feeling her arm anymore. She wouldn’t dare to wake Laura up.

Laura knew Carmilla felt something for her. Laura knew that this wasn’t just a common attraction anymore. And that day, in November, was when Laura knew.

She knew she was in love with Carmilla and that there was no coming back.

She knew that Carmilla was in love with her.

And, still, she didn’t tell her. Laura didn’t tell Carmilla she loved her because she couldn’t. She was still so scared to live her life, so scared of her father, that it not only brought _her_ pain, but also brought Carmilla pain as well. And that was so perfectly clear when Laura heard the song Carmilla wrote that fit so perfectly into their beautiful mess.

Laura hadn’t said she loved her and Carmilla felt like she wasn’t enough for her. Carmilla didn’t say it either, but Laura knew she showed it. Implicitly, but she did. Still, Laura didn’t have the guts to do the same.

She couldn’t go out peacefully with the woman she loved because she was still so damn afraid of being recognized by any of her father’s friends and that it would ruin everything. She couldn’t express how much she loved Carmilla outside four walls. Laura noticed how upset that made her. Laura noticed how she sighed deeply every time she withdrew from Carmilla’s touch when they were in public.

She couldn’t keep feeding that love when she had nothing good to give Carmilla. She was a mess and Carmilla deserved better than being with her. Carmilla deserved happiness. She couldn’t hurt Carmilla in the process of her own hurting. Her father wasn’t her problem, it was Laura’s only and she was not about to drag Carmilla into this.

_But Laura loved Carmilla so much…_

She loved her so much that the thought of getting that e-mail now, a month later, scared the hell out of her because she didn’t really want to leave Carmilla behind. Her happy place was in Toronto with the woman she loved, not in New York. Even though it was wrong. It was wrong, right? She couldn’t accept having that job forever, her father had told her that.

_I taught you better than that._

_I didn’t raise you to be ordinary._

_You will keep on being a mediocre person if you keep making mediocre choices._

Maybe her father was right after all. She couldn’t keep on being an ordinary, mediocre person. That was too selfish. That’s what he made her believe.

When Laura read the e-mail from _The New York Times_ saying that her application was approved and that she was now part of the team, she wanted to cry. She wasn’t happy. She didn’t even want that job that much. Carmilla didn’t know she was leaving and oh, that’s why her heart was aching. Carmilla. She would have to leave Carmilla behind and the thought was crushing down every single piece of Laura.

With shaky hands, she grabbed her phone from her nightstand and hesitated for two whole minutes before she dialed.

“Dad?” Her phone rang a few times before she heard the noises on the other side of the line.

“Yes, Laura?” He was busy and maybe Laura shouldn’t have called him.

“Are you busy? I’m sorry, I just thought—“

“It’s okay. What do you want to tell me?” He cut her off, but this time he didn’t seem to be mad at her. Laura’s heart skipped a beat and she took a deep breath before she allowed any sound to come out of her mouth.

“Remember those jobs in New York that you wanted me to send applications to?”

“I sure do.”

“Well, I got into The New York Times. They want an answer within a month.”

“How many places did you send applications to?” He said indifferently. Laura bit her nails as she stared blankly at her laptop screen.

“Three.”

“And you only got into one?” He asked and now he was definitely mad. Laura swallowed hard and hummed in affirmation and apologized mentally for that, even though a part of her knew she didn’t have to. She did it anyway. “Well, it’s better than nothing. When are you leaving?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t responded to them yet.” Laura didn’t want to go. _Please, dad, don’t make me go because I’m so happy with Carmilla and I’ve already hurt her enough because of you and I don’t want to hurt her anymore and_

“Why haven’t you done it? Are you having second thoughts?” His voice was harsh and Laura shook her head no frantically, even though her father couldn’t see her head or the tears that had escaped from her eyes out of pure fear.

“No, not at all. It’s just… I was caught off guard.”

“I was expecting you to get into at least two, but The New York Times is a good company. Good job, Laura. I’m glad you didn’t disappoint me.”

A wave of happiness hit Laura and she didn’t even know she could feel what she was feeling towards her father. Fondness? Excitement? Did she miss him? Why suddenly she wanted to feel him hugging her tight, even though he had never done that before? Love? No, not love. That word was too hard to use, but so easy to be felt whenever someone mentioned Carmilla’s name.

He didn’t say it, but he was happy for her. Laura didn’t actually hear him saying he was proud of her, but ‘good job’ was almost as good. Never in her life had she heard those words coming out of his mouth. Never. For a second she was happy that she got the job because finally, _finally_ she wasn’t a disappointment for her father anymore.

“Thanks, dad.” Laura smiled as she responded, which was new to her. Smiling at her father wasn’t something she was used to. Actually, she had never done that before in her life.

“Well, I have to go. Let me know how the process of moving goes.”

“Will do. Bye, dad.” Laura said goodbye, but she never heard it back from her father. As usual, the line went quiet before.

The thought of finally making her dad proud of something she did made her dizzy. She was so happy and excited and she couldn’t wait until she got to New York because she finally was able to make her dad proud of her and she couldn’t wait to tell Carmilla about it.

Carmilla.

Just like a sugar high, she went from seeing stars to rock bottom in a blink of an eye. She got the job her father wanted her to. Not her, not Laura, but her father.

Suddenly, New York didn’t seem as good anymore.

She needed to talk to Carmilla, even though they weren’t on good terms. After what happened at Carmilla’s birthday, after their first kiss, after Carmilla’s song and their second kiss, both of them were hurting with the situation and neither of them knew what to do to solve it. Laura was too damaged and afraid and Carmilla… Well, she did what she could. But, even with all that, Laura needed to tell her and explain to her that she didn’t mean to hurt her and that she is enough. That she’s not the broken one, Laura is.

She picked up her phone again and this time the numbers she dialed didn’t make her shiver in fear.

“Cupcake.” A smile immediately grew on Laura’s face as she heard the deep, growly voice on the other end of the line. She sounded sad and Laura knew there was no one else to blame but her.

“Hi, Carm. Are you busy?” She asked, fingers fidgeting on her lap as she stared at them. Her foot under her crossed legs bouncing up and down uncontrollably.

“Uh, no, I’m not. It’s kind of late, Laur. What do you need?” Carmilla’s voice wasn’t harsh, it sounded worried. But guilt was eating Laura alive and she couldn’t help but feel bad.

“It’s nothing,” she swallowed hard the tears trying to break the barrier. “Just forget it, okay?”

“Laur, tell me. Are you sick? I told you to take that vitamin D but you wouldn’t listen to m—“

“No, Carm, I’m okay. I mean, I’m not sick.” Laura explained. “Okay is kind of overrated, though.” She whispered it, mostly to herself, but Carmilla somehow managed to hear that.

“I’m coming over.”

“I will leave the door open.”

Laura sank into her blankets, trying to hide all of her pain away.

She spent twenty minutes trying to come up with things to say. Trying to come up with excuses and ways to apologize to make Carmilla feel her love. She wanted so bad to tell Carmilla she loved her and her fear was the thing keeping her from doing it. She was afraid of hurting Carmilla. How could she tell her she loved her and yet leave her like that?

She heard a door closing in the living room and the sound of Carmilla’s boots echoed inside. She left the hallway light turned on and, as she got out of her room, she found Carmilla looking around, searching for her.

She hadn’t seen her in a week. The last time she saw her Carmilla had just sung _the_ song and Laura had run away. She ran back home because she couldn’t face Carmilla after hearing those lyrics and knowing that it was all her fault. It was her fault that Carmilla was hurting and she was so sorry. Maybe her father was right. Maybe she couldn’t be enough, neither for him or Carmilla since she only brought pain to the dark-haired girl.

Carmilla’s eyes met Laura’s. Swollen, sad eyes met another pair of sad eyes and Laura felt her heart clenching inside her chest. She bit her bottom lip and ran towards Carmilla, pulling her into a hug. She heard Carmilla blocking a sob, followed by a hiccup with a deep sigh as Laura let herself break down in her arms. The only safe space she had. And she was about to lose everything because her father had damaged her enough to destroy every little piece of happiness in Laura’s life.

“Laur, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here.” Carmilla whispered in Laura’s ear, her fingers quickly ran to meet Laura’s hazel hair strands. Laura’s arms wrapped around the dark-haired girl’s waist tightly and that seemed to mend all of the broken pieces of her heart back together. Her perfume, the soft touch of her skin against hers.

“I’m so sorry.” Laura whispered between sobs, her arms squeezing her waist tighter.

“It’s okay, Laur. It’s okay.”

Laura pushed herself away from Carmilla’s embrace and the loss of contact made her skin physically ache.

“It’s not, Carm.” She said reluctantly, uselessly wiping the tears on her cheek away because a new wave of tears came rushing down. “It’s not because all I seem to do is break you to pieces, even though I don’t mean it and I’m so sorry.”

“Laura, you could never,” Carmilla put a strand of Laura’s hair that was falling onto her eyes behind her ear, a hair getting stuck on her wet cheek in the process. “Ever break me to pieces. Ever. Who do you think was the one that mended me back together?”

“Carm, I—“

“It’s okay, Laura. Whatever you’re dealing with, you’ll get through it. And, if you want me to, I’ll be here by your side.”

“The problem is that I can’t.” She said, breaking down even more at each word. “I can’t because I just can’t erase my father from my life. It’s exhausting, Carm. He drains every bit of good I have in my life and I can’t fight it.”

Carmilla pulled Laura in her embrace once again and Laura prayed to all Gods to please, don’t make Carmilla ask questions about it because she didn’t have the strength to talk about it because she was exhausted. Mentally and psychologically speaking she was drained. But she owed Carmilla an explanation, so she told her everything. She started from the very start, back to when she was a kid, to the latest conversation she had with her father. She didn’t mention New York. Somehow, it was still too soon for that. At some point in the process, they had laid down on Laura’s single bed, the hazel-haired girl curled up in Carmilla’s arms. Once her hiccups had calmed down, she wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist once again and allowed the sound of her beating heart to calm her down.

 _You need to tell her, Laura. You need to tell her that you love her. You know you do, you know she loves you too,_ that voice inside Laura’s head stated the obvious. Laura knew it but she couldn’t do that to her. She couldn’t say she loved her and still move away after everything.

So, Laura allowed herself to just stop feeling whatever she was, to stop thinking and overthinking and just take in whatever Carmilla had that calmed her down in a matter of seconds, something that nobody else had ever been able to do before.

 

**LAURA – 3 MONTHS BEFORE**

“When do you leave?”

Hearing Carmilla’s voice breaking and seeing that thin barrier of unshed tears in her eyes was something Laura was not prepared to face. She had rehearsed that speech in her mind two hundred billion times, but in none of the scenarios she had imagined Carmilla to react like that.

Things were going great. They hadn’t talked about Laura’s father or that subject for that matter again, but things were _so good_ between them. Laura would always come over for dinner on Wednesdays and Carmilla was always waking her up on Saturday with hot chocolate and her three favorite cookie flavors. Carmilla was still getting out of her house late to bring medicine to Laura and her horrible immune system. They were happy together and anyone could see it from miles. There were kisses. There were stomach-churning kisses and butterflies-exploding kisses. Every time was like it was the first time. There was hand holding. There were thumbs caressing each other’s and intertwined fingers and cuddles on movie nights. They had everything and yet Laura was about to ruin it all and she was so sorry.

She had hoped Carmilla would be happy. Happy as in jump off the couch and hug her and plant quick kisses on her lips. She had hoped Carmilla would storm out of the house. If she did it, Laura wouldn’t blame her. She had hoped Carmilla would try to act indifferent and that was also okay. She had never imagined that Carmilla would actually cry. Even though she was trying so hard to hide it, Laura knew better. How her eyes would get small and she would constantly look up to try to dissipate the tears.

_No, Carmilla, ask me to stay. Tell me that this is bullshit and that I’m perfectly fine where I am. Don’t side with my father on this._

“In a week. They sent me an e-mail a month ago. I gave them my final answer yesterday.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Carmilla said again, trying to put a fake smile on her face but she couldn’t do that.

“Are you mad?” Laura asked and she knew that Carmilla wasn’t mad. Maybe broken and, again, she was so deeply sorry.

“Laura, of course not. This is huge and I’m so proud of you.” Laura watched Carmilla put her mug on the center table before she brought her hand to cup Laura’s face.

“If you don’t want me to go I—“

“Laura, stop. You’re not letting this opportunity go because of me, no matter how much I l-, how much you want me to ask you to stay. I want you to go, Laura. This is huge. This is _your_ career. It’s your future.”

Laura knew Carmilla meant well, but she so desperately wanted someone to tell her she didn’t have to do that just because her father wanted her to. She was letting him win again and she just needed a little push to give up on all of that.

_Please, Carm, say you want me to stay. Please, don’t make me go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be a disappointment to you because you know how I feel and you know I know how **you** feel and yet I’m leaving because my father has this power over me and I just can’t fight him and I’m so tired so please, Carm, ask me to stay._

“You don’t want me to stay?”

“This is not what I’m saying at all. This opportunity… It’s huge, Laura. You’ll be fine over there. Can you imagine going to work every day at the New York Times? I thought that was only possible in movies and I couldn’t be prouder that you’re the one who got the job. You deserve it so much, Laur. I’m so, _so_ proud of you.”

Laura smiled through the tears because she’d been waiting to hear that for so long and even though it wasn’t from her father, just knowing that Carmilla was proud of her, that _someone_ was proud of her made her entire body fill with joy.

Maybe going to New York wasn’t going to be so bad. Maybe she and Carmilla could work something out.

Laura couldn’t possibly be more wrong about that.

* * *

_Toronto, March 16 th, 2019_

_It’s been exactly three months and ten days since you left. A hundred days that I haven’t seen you or touched you. It’s a lot, Laur. I can’t help but feel like I’m a broken machine that keeps on repeating the same thing every single letter because what more can I say besides that I miss you? That I **love** you? That I wish you were here with me? I don’t even know why I’m writing these if you’re not going to read them but there are days that I wish you could. There are days where I just can’t deal with the physical pain of missing you so much that I wish you could read these emotions that I’m putting out here, just so you could know._

_Today LaF and Danny came over and Danny is not that bad. I’m sorry for all the times I was jealous of her. I mean, she does have a crush on you and don’t even try to tell me otherwise._

_We were talking about that day in December. The very last day of the year. How LaFontaine and Perry just disappeared somewhere in the middle of the crowd while you and I just stood there, waiting for the fireworks to shoot up. Riverdale Park was absolutely filled with people and I remember I kept holding onto your hand like a mother would do with her children. We were just standing almost in the middle of it and Danny was almost your bodyguard. That girl is tall, I’ll tell you that._

_There were five minutes until the countdown. And the entire time a movie passed in my head about since the first day I met you. How we seemed to have lived so much more than it could fit into a year. A whole year of having you by my side and not once I doubted that you were special to me, Hollis. Not once I was scared or afraid that you’d break me into pieces again like Ell did because that’s just not you. I kept staring at your face while you talked excitedly to Danny about something that I really didn’t bother to pay attention because you were so beautiful that night. You’re always so beautiful._

_“Carm, say something!” You shouted louder than the crowd and brought me out of my trance. I looked down at you and smiled and I’m pretty sure I had my eyebrows quirked up, like you say I always do._

_“About what, Creampuff?”_

_“Danny bet that I’ll get lost in five minutes as soon as I step in New York.” You said it pretty excitedly, but I saw in your eyes the hesitation. That was a subject we didn’t discuss. We didn’t talk about it because both of us knew how much it hurt us._

_“Oh, come on. Give the girl some credit, Danny. Ten, max.” I said, trying to sound indifferent and just play along, but the thought of you leaving in a week for New York still broke me in pieces._

_Don’t get me wrong, Laur, I was truly happy that you got the job because God, you deserved it. You’re THAT good. But I was not ready to let you go. Not yet. We still had so much to do together. We still had a lot of ‘firsts’ to go through together._

_“Oh, really? You call that credit? It can’t be that hard walking there. I mean, that’s what GPSs are for.”_

_“Creampuff, that city is huge and by huge I mean you could get lost walking on the same street and as far as I know you’ve never left Toronto.”_

_“I mean, yeah but that doesn’t mean that I’ll get lost. At least not that fast.” You pouted and oh that’s the cutest thing ever, Hollis. Cutest. Thing. Ever. I threw an arm around your shoulders, my hand hanging over your breast. Without hesitation, in a natural movement, you grabbed it and intertwined our fingers._

_“Yeah, whatever floats your boat, Hollis.” Danny mocked one last time before she turned to look for the Ginger Twins. I think she spotted them somewhere and went to meet them, leaving us alone._

_Somewhere in the background, someone started to yell that there was one minute left to the countdown and all I could do was stare at you. You had turned to face me and your arms were wrapped around my waist._

_“What?” You asked, staring into my eyes._

_“Can we pretend, just for tonight, that if I asked we’d run away?” I said, bringing one hand to your face, my thumb brushing against your red cheek gently. “There would be no one to fail and we would never live in the same city twice… It’d be just you and me in… Yeah, just you and me.”_

_My eyes seemed to be lost in yours. Yours seemed to be stuck on mine. You had that half smile on and you looked so genuinely happy. And for a moment I remember my heart ached in my chest because you were happy and I was miserable because you were leaving in a week. But you were happy, so it was all that mattered._

**_10_ **

**_9_ **

**_8_ **

**_7_ **

**_6_ **

**_5_ **

**_4_ **

**_3_ **

**_2_ **

**_1_ **

_Fireworks were shooting up in front of us. The light reflecting on your face and all its beautiful features._

_“Happy New Year, Carm.” You smiled before you gently pulled my face towards yours and pressed our lips together._

_You kissed me. In front of a giant crowd. You closed your eyes and you kissed me and the sound of our lips crashing together made my stomach churn a hundred times and I felt dizzy for a second because it was too much for me. A lot of feelings at once._

_I loved you so much and you had kissed me outside four walls and it was literally just you and me and in a week you were leaving._

_“Happy New Year, Cupcake.” I said, looking at you, memorizing every little bit of your features._

_The fireworks were exploding in front of our eyes and it was so beautiful. I pulled you closer to me and hugged you while you were mesmerized by the fireworks and I remember feeling my heart jumping in my chest and I swear I could hear it saying ‘yes, Carmilla, she’s the one. She is The One and don’t you dare let her go’._

_But I did._

_I wasn’t really within my reach, but I still managed to let you go._

_I should’ve asked you to stay. I should’ve known that the New York thing wasn’t completely your choice. After talking to you last week on that video call, I should’ve known that yes, you love what you do, but New York wasn’t your first choice._

_Maybe now it is. In that video call you looked tired and you looked sad, but I saw a little bit of happiness behind all of that. You’ve made your life there and by now you’re probably used to waking up on Saturdays without having me knocking on your door with cookies and hot chocolate. You’re probably used to the rush that is the city of New York, even though large crowds make you nervous._

_I’m still not used to the lack of your presence every Wednesday. I’m still not used to not hearing my phone ringing at night because you can’t sleep. I’m still not used to the feeling that I lost you._

_I lost you and I’m miserable, but I’m happy that you’re having the grand, the time of your life._

_I lost you and, this time, it’s all on me. I should’ve asked you to stay._

_You deserve the world, little one. You make me proud every day._

_I miss you. I love you and I always will. You’re the one._

_Yours truly,_

_Carmilla._

“Carm, I’m heading out with LaF. Have you seen my pur—Oh, sorry.” Perry barged into Carmilla’s room, her jewelry clinking as she walked. Carmilla looked up quickly from the paper in her hand and tried to wipe that memory as quick as possible so Perry wouldn’t notice her features. “Bad time?”

“Nah, I’m finished. Where are you going to?” Carmilla folded the piece of paper and put it into her drawer before she twisted in her chair to look properly at her friend. “Uh, you look nice.”

“Thanks. LaF and I are going to the Anglerfish. Care to join us?”

“I’m fine. Thanks, though.”

“You’ve got to go out a little, Carm.”

“Maybe another time. I’m kind of tired.”

“Well, I don’t believe you but I won’t force you to do anything. Don’t wait up, okay?” Perry mentioned naturally and watched Carmilla raising both her eyebrows to her hairline. “Shut up.” She said before the walked towards the door, putting on some earrings she stole from Carmilla’s drawer.

“I didn’t even say anything!” Carmilla shouted as she burst out laughing.

“I know, but shut it anyways.”

“Rude!”

“Love you! See you… tomorrow morning!” Perry’s voice got more muffled as she walked farther from Carmilla.

“You get it, girl! Off. You get off!”

“I told you to shut it!” Carmilla broke in laughter as she heard Perry yelling before she heard the door bang.

Carmilla looked around at the empty house. If it was a common day, she would’ve called Laura and told her to come over. If it was a common day, Laura would still be here.

Laura.

The fact that Carmilla might actually have lost Laura was a hard pill to swallow for the dark-haired girl. She **did** feel proud of the smaller girl, but at the same time she wished she had asked her to stay. Maybe Laura could still be here with her. It was selfish and Carmilla knew that. She also knew that she didn’t have the right to do so.

Carmilla had to face the fact that she couldn’t have Laura the way she wanted anymore. Laura had moved on with her life and it was about time she moved on with hers.

Accepting that was the hardest decision Carmilla had ever made in her life, but if it was what it took for Laura to be happy, that was the way it was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was... something. I really hope you enjoyed (if possible) the chapter and I'd love to see your thoughts on it. Thank you for Reading and I'll see you next Saturday!


	11. It's Been Too Hard To Say, We've Fallen Off The Edge Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with all the feelings. Laura is going to back to Toronto, but that doesn't mean things are going to get easier. Not for her. Or Carmilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful creatures!  
> I know I'm a day late, but this week was a really busy one and to top it all I have a sinus infection that won't let me live, so I'm sorry!
> 
> I wanted to say something real quick. The response I got from the last chapter really blew me away. I was not expecting that amount of love and support AT ALL and I’m so happy and relieved that I didn't disappoint. I wish I could hug you all. Thank you so much for diving in with me on that one because it was really my most vulnerable moment/chapter. I was so scared to post it and the love I received was from outer space. So, thank you so much! All of you! 
> 
> I didn't have time to do a proper proofread, so bear with me pleeease?

Laura signed her name one last time in the last article she’d have to write in New York. The pen rolled on the paper so easily before she stamped her own name again on top of it. That was it.

Her last article before she had to go back to Toronto. Her documents had been approved. Her flight tickets were bought and the key to her house in Canada was already hanging on her keychain again. Her bags were almost all filled with her clothes because she’d leave in three days.

She didn’t tell Carmilla. She didn’t have the right to do it.

She had thought it through one billion times. She wanted to tell her the most, but how could she? She left. She left and broke Carmilla’s heart once again in the process of her own hurting, of her own messed up life. Laura couldn’t simply go back to Toronto and just come back to Carmilla’s life as if nothing happened. Carmilla didn’t have anything to do with her father, she didn’t have anything to do with his power over Laura. She didn’t have to suffer because Laura was too weak to say anything to her father beside apologize for not being what he wanted her to be.

Laura hadn’t talked to her father either. For the first time in her life, she had made a decision thinking about herself and her father wasn’t in the picture. For the first time in forever, it was Laura doing something for herself and that was the best decision she had ever made.

A pencil holder. A stapler she had bought before she went to New York. Her toothbrush and toothpaste from the bottom drawer. Her double-ended pink and purple pen. Laura started cleaning her desk, throwing everything she owned inside that cardboard box and each item brought with it a memory. Not always good, not always bad, but still a memory.

She had grown so much while she was there and for _that_ she had to thank her father for. Living away from him also took a huge weight off of her head and her shoulders and almost everything seemed easier and lighter. Almost everything. She’d be lying if she said she’d been miserable all the time because she truly wasn’t. She liked New York, in her own twisted, odd way, but not enough to keep living that life, to keep living that _lie._ That wasn’t the place Laura wanted to be at. New York wasn’t where her heart was. She had cultivated an amazing friendship with Will and Brandon and they were probably the hardest part about leaving. Will had helped her so many times on her darkest days and Brandon always found a way to make her laugh. Always. And for that she was truly thankful.

Laura heard a knock on the door before it swung open. Will’s head popped in the gap between the door and the frame, a sad smile stamped on his face as he saw Laura putting her stuff inside that _I’m-going-away_ box. He’d be lying if he said he was okay with Laura leaving to Toronto because he wasn’t. Yes, he’d been friends with her for only three months and for some people it’d sound crazy, but there was something about Laura that made it seem so natural. She was special and so, _so_ unique. Just the thought of her leaving made him miss her and she was standing right there in front of him. Laura was truly light. She could light up the entire room just by walking into it and she deserved, more than anything in the world, to be happy again and Will knew that she couldn’t if she stayed in New York, where the only person who could bring joy back to her life wasn’t. Carmilla was in Toronto and that’s where Laura’s happiness lives.

“What are you doing?” Will walked slowly into the room, playing the fool as he asked. He knew she was packing to go away. He knew it was a delicate subject. For both of them.

“Don’t. It’s hard enough already.” Laura said and Will couldn’t quite figure if there was more sadness or denial in her tone.

“Sorry. When do you leave?”

“Saturday.”

A moment of silence fell between them before Will smiled softly at Laura.

“I’m happy for you. You’re glowing, Laur. I’ve never seen you like that.”

“I’m feeling weird.” She squinted her eyes, one at a time, making that little crinkle up on her nose appear. “I’m feeling so excited and happy, but at the same time I’m scared to go back.”

“Why?”

Laura put the box on the desk, her eyes fixed on the ceiling as they filled with tears.

“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What if she doesn’t even want to see me?”

“That’s not going to happen. I’m sure she’s just as hurt as you are. The thing you both had wasn’t one-sided. You’ve got to stop being afraid of everything, Laur. I know why you are and I’m not judging you, I just think that you should just go for it and see how it goes. Don’t suffer in anticipation before the actual iceberg breaks out.”

“Last time we talked, on FaceTime, she told me she misses me so much it hurts. She said ‘ _I miss you and it physically hurts, but there’s just so much...’_. There was a _but_ in there, Will.”

“And that is just a word, nothing else. You do have unfinished things to solve, things you can’t do on the phone. Once you get there you _need_ to talk to her about your feelings, about everything. And I’m sure she wants, she _needs_ to talk to you as well.”

Laura sighed deeply, managing to keep the unshed tears inside this time.

“I really hope so.”

“And even though I’m sad as hell that you’re leaving, I can’t wait to get a text from you saying that everything worked out and a cheesy couple picture attached to it.”

Will’s words were enough to bring a smile to Laura’s face without her realizing it. Her gaze fell to her feet in an involuntary movement. Will brought his hand up to caress Laura’s forearm gently.

“It seems like you still have a lot of things to pack.” He said staring at Laura’s messed desk. He spotted her weekly article, signed and properly stamped, on the table and a weird feeling hit him. It was definitely going to be weird not having her around anymore. “So I’ll leave you to it because I do have a job myself to do. I’ll see you on Saturday.” Will kissed the top of Laura’s head before he started to walk out of the room.

“But I’m leaving on Saturday.” Laura sounded a little bit confused.

“I know. Do you think I’m letting you take a cab to the airport?” He looked at her and smiled and after Laura smiled back, he closed the door in front of him, leaving Laura with her own thoughts and fears and feelings alone again.

They didn’t say their goodbyes. Maybe it was for the better.

With butterflies in her stomach once again, she went back to putting her things away.

* * *

“I knew you’d be up here.”

Carmilla turned her head to find Perry escalating the stairs that led to the rooftop. With a little bit of struggle, Perry managed to climb up there and sit right beside Carmilla, who was wrapped in a blanket, the dark strands of hair being blown with the light night breeze. Even though Perry was looking at her, trying to figure out what she was feeling, Carmilla didn’t even move.

“See those big stars, right over there?” Carmilla pointed to a specific part of the sky, to each star shining so brightly.

“Ohhh… No.” Perry answered, clearly lost.

“Right there, Per. It has the shape of a W. Those big five stars right there.” Carmilla pointed out again, but this time Perry seemed to spot it. Her eyes widened and she started to nod softly.

“Oh, now I see it! What about it?”

“It’s Cassiopeia. The first time I heard about it was when Laura took me to that planetarium on my birthday. I mean, I’d heard about it before, but I’d never _seen_ it. Laura told me the story behind the constellation when we were there. It’s beautiful.”

“To you, everything she does is beautiful.” Perry said jokingly, but she wasn’t wrong.

Everything Laura did had its glow. Everything Laura-related had that effect on Carmilla. The dark-haired girl smiled, still staring at the sky.

“ _She_ is beautiful.” Carmilla said naturally, as if she was staring at Laura’s face in that constellation.

Since Carmilla last spoke to Laura, she’d been climbing up those crooked stairs to the rooftop every night. Her window seat wasn’t enough anymore. She didn’t want to move on, but she had to. She needed to. Laura wasn’t coming back, but that didn’t mean she had stopped loving her because _that_ is something Carmilla was not capable of. Laura was the ax where Carmilla’s world turned on and the lack of her was killing Carmilla inside, even after all that time. Even after three months, Carmilla could still feel a tingly sensation every time she pictured Laura’s touch. Every time she closed her eyes and remembered Laura’s lips on hers they’d tremble.

But all of that was just a memory now because Laura was in New York and all Carmilla could do was accept it. Carmilla knew that all they went through wasn’t Laura’s fault. Her father was the monster in the scenario and all Carmilla wanted to do was to hug Laura and protect her from everything and anyone who could do that girl any harm.

“Coming up here, somehow, makes me miss her less. I just stare at this immensity of a dark, black hole and how those tiny little stars are still there, shining. How small we all are in comparison is comforting.” Carmilla started, eyes down on her lap as her fingers played with a loose fiber on the blanket. “And today I saw Cassiopeia. Today I came up here because it was so hard, Per. I was physically aching. I’ve been coming up here for the last week and it’s the first time I see that constellation. But that’s not what has broken me down.”

Perry stared silently at Carmilla, just waiting for her to put it all out. She had been keeping those things to herself for long enough and if she needed to stay there, listening to Carmilla talk about Laura for three hours, that’s what she would do. The dark-haired girl wiped the tears from her eyes, somehow heavily, with the tip of her fingers before they could roll down her face.

“I came up here looking for an answer. I came up here and I thought ‘ _okay, that’s it. If you, mother-nature or whatever the fuck you are, really have the answers to everything in the world, give me a sign. Anything’_ and that’s when I looked up at the sky and saw Orion. It’s faded a little by now, but it’s right here.” Carmilla pointed to the opposite direction from where she had pointed before to Cassiopeia. “You’re probably thinking I’m going nuts and I won’t deny about that, but she gave me a golden star with coordinates to this constellation. The day we went to that planetarium, she gave me this constellation. I’m not sure about her, but for me it became ours. And I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking, but I think that’s a pretty huge sign. I’m not giving up on her, Perry, I’m not. I don’t think I could do it even if I wanted to. I love Laura and if I need to wait ten years for her, I will.”

Perry knew she wasn’t. Perry also knew Carmilla wasn’t going to keep those hopes alive. She felt an unfinished vibe from the sentence, so she just waited for Carmilla to finish it. The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable, but Perry knew that the dark-haired girl was holding something inside.

“But…?”

Carmilla gulped.

“But it’s just so fucking hard, Perry. I don’t know if I can keep those hopes up. Or just keep them, at all. She’s not coming back. I know she misses me as well, but nothing can compare to this burning feeling I have inside my chest. I’ve lost a lot of things in my life, but nothing, _nothing_ compares to losing her.”

“You didn’t.” Perry said with an almost invisible shrug. “You didn’t lose her. She’s a thousand miles away, but she’s still yours and you know that, Carm. If you need to, get on a fucking plane and go to New York, but don’t lose hope just yet. Don’t give up on whatever you’re feeling because I can guarantee you she’s feeling it too.”

“How can you be so sure?” Carmilla seemed almost angry. Angry that Perry seemed to know about Laura’s feelings more than her. Angry that she couldn’t be the one with the knowledge or not the one with the broken heart that was making her see everything around her foggy. “How can you be so sure that she still feels the same? For all we know she could be with someone now. She can miss me, sure, but does she still love me? Does she, Perry? Because I can deal with her being away, but if she somehow lost everything she ever felt for me…”

“Carmilla!” Perry shouted a little bit louder than intended, trying to stop those angry tears shedding from Carmilla’s face. “Stop!”

She knew she was just frustrated. Frustrated that Laura was away and she was the only one who could take the pain away. Frustrated that she kept writing about Laura and even though she’d told herself and Perry that she didn’t want her to read those letters, she did. She wanted Laura to read them because it was an open book about her feelings. It was Carmilla, raw and vulnerable and exposed and she wanted Laura to see that it was what made Carmilla. She was made of nothing but love. She wrote it all because Carmilla didn’t know how else to do it besides putting it all on paper. She could say all the most beautiful words on the planet, but it wasn’t the same when she wrote them. Carmilla was too hurt to talk. She was too broken inside to be able to actually _speak_ and the only way out of that hurting was having Laura or writing about it. Carmilla couldn’t have her, so there was only one way out.

“I’m not sure of anything, Carm. But I know you. I know her. I know how she acted around you and how she felt about you because it was so fucking clear. Clearer than a diamond. The love that girl felt for you was absurdly enormous and the only thing keeping you from being together wasn’t you, wasn’t her. You know it was something bigger than that. It was something even she couldn’t control, let alone you. She didn’t stop loving you just because she’s living in another city. It’s not like that. She is not Ell.”

That last part seemed to trigger the weakest spot inside Carmilla and Perry knew it would. But Perry also knew that Carmilla needed that shock. She needed to understand that Laura wasn’t like Ell just because she left. Ell left because she wanted to. Laura didn’t want to leave. She left because she had no other choice.

“She is not Ell, Carm, and I can guarantee you of that. Laura. Is. Not. Ell.” Perry held Carmilla’s hands in hers while she stared deeply into those brown, swollen eyes that had been crying for the last fifteen minutes. “Laura loves you. She couldn’t stop loving you in ninety days, Carm. Could you?”

“Could I what?”

“Stop loving her? In such a short amount of time?”

“Not even if my life depended on it.”

“So, there’s your answer.” Perry gave Carmilla’s hand a light squeeze before she kissed her temper and stood up. The redhead knew Carmilla didn’t need the skies or the mother-nature or whatever to tell her that, but if it was comforting her, bringing her a little bit of peace, so let that be. “I’m here for you, Carm. Always been, always will.”

“What would I do without you?” Carmilla looked up at Perry for the first time, that sad smile stamped on her face.

“Probably starve to death.” Perry joked, making Carmilla giggle and thank God she did. Perry missed hearing that raspy giggle of hers. “Get down whenever you ready. I’ll be waiting with warm food inside.”

Carmilla smiled and nodded. Perry nodded back before she tripped a few times on her own feet before she got to the ladder and came back inside, praying to all the Gods she didn’t believe in to please make it all go away. To, _please,_ bring Laura back. Or anything, really. Just, _please,_ make Carmilla stop hurting.

* * *

**THREE DAYS LATER**

“Stop honking that fucking honk!” Laura yelled from her front porch to Brandon, who was impatiently waiting for Will and Laura inside the car, pressing his palm against the honk more times than it was humanly accepted.

“Stop taking too long to carry a fucking bag!”

“It’s bigger than her, Brandon! Stop being such a useless person and come help, then!”

“Okay, first of all, do not use my height against me. I’m a grown, independent woman and I can do it.” Laura put the way-too-heavy-bag on the floor and rose a finger. “And secondly, yes, Brandon, stop whining and come help.”

Laura tripped on her own feet twice before she got to the car and placed the bag not so gently in the trunk. Will brought her last one and placed it inside, on top of the other one.

“ _I’m an independent woman and I can do it_.” Brandon mocked as soon as he saw Laura almost falling onto her face trying to carry the bag.

“Shut it, you imbecile.”

“Was that all, Laur?”

Laura looked back at the house. The front door half opened, showing the empty space inside. Her things weren’t there anymore. Her books weren’t on that top shelf with loose screws anymore. Her phone charger wasn’t thrown on top of the couch and the glasses weren’t in the sink anymore. Carmilla’s book wasn’t on the lower shelf, the one where the screws were still holding strong. She looked back at the house and she felt nothing. Nothing but relief. That house was never _her_ house – never her home. She’d lived there and that was all.

And now she was leaving and all those bad memories she had lived while living there were going to stay right inside, right behind that crooked door that would leave a leak inside every time it rained.

It was all. She’d had enough and she couldn’t wait to go back because she was exhausted of feeling like that and she prayed to all Gods to let it be the right decision.

“Yeah, that was all.” She said it quietly, almost as a whisper. As Laura walked towards the front door, she allowed the last set of flashbacks to run in her head again before she closed the door and turned the key until she heard the lock.

That was all. All of the bad memories and the crying were staying inside that house, inside those walls she didn’t totally hate, but that she wouldn’t go back. At least not without Carmilla.

“So, if you still want to catch that flight, we need to hurry.” She heard Will calling her out from the car.

She threw the key inside her carry-on and stumped down the wooden stairs.

She was going back.

The first couple of minutes of the ride were quiet. Nobody said a word and not even the radio was on.

That was until Will looked at Laura through the review mirror from the passenger seat.

“So, Laur…” Will started and by his tone, Laura knew it was not something totally good, but not totally bad as well.

“Huh?” Laura answered from the back seat as Brandon swung around on the New York busy streets.

“Did you tell her? That you’re going back?” Laura didn’t answer.

It was like pouring salt into Laura’s deepest cuts.

“Why not?” Brandon looked at her through the review mirror this time and Laura didn’t see judgment in his eyes. She knew he wouldn’t, but something about his tone made her shiver. She knew he didn’t mean to sound mean, but it was like he was trying to get an explanation, as if she owed him. Deep down she knew it wasn’t the case, but if her father taught her anything it was that everybody deserved an explanation of everything she did, even though it didn’t concern them.

Maybe she should stop using her father as a reference, but did she have another?

“I don’t have the right to do it.” She whispered, looking out at the window. “I left. I left her and broke her even more. I knew what I was doing the moment I left her alone, sitting on that bench. I don’t have the right to just call her and say ‘ _hey, what’s up? So, I’m going back to Toronto in a week, feel like meeting up?’_ because that’s just sick. I didn’t even have the courage to do text her those last couple of days.”

“I get your point, Laur, I really do, but don’t you think it’d make things easier?”

“How? How is this going to make anything easier for me?”

“Not only for you, but for her as well. She would know that you want to see her.”

“Does she want to see me, though?” Laura didn’t mean to sound harsh, but at that point all of that hurting had come back with all its force. “A lot has changed, Will. I don’t even know if she wants to see me or talk to me and if she doesn’t, that’s fine. I know what I did and maybe she doesn’t even like me like that anymore.” She wiped her cheek angrily with her fingers. “I only told LaFontaine and Danny.”

“Not even your father?”

“He even less.”

Silence took over again and nothing could be heard inside that car besides the radio that Brandon had turned on a couple of minutes before. The vibe of the ride to the airport changed drastically and there was nothing anybody could do. The situation itself made it like that.

Laura had never been that anxious about being in an airport. She checked-in, her luggage had already been dispatched and now all she needed to do was to cross gate 4, as written on her ticket, get on that plane and arrive in Toronto two hours later.

She’d be back home in two hours and Laura was feeling a mix of anxiety, happiness, sadness and all sorts of feelings combined because it was too much. She knew the moment she stepped foot into Toronto her mind would tell her to go straight to Carmilla’s place and she knew she needed to be the strongest she could ever be because she couldn’t do that. The dynamic she knew she had with Carmilla wasn’t the same anymore and Laura wasn’t sure if it would ever be back. She missed Carmilla like crazy and she just wanted to hug her and tell her she’s sorry but now she’s back. She’s back because of her, _for_ her.

But that wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair because even though Carmilla knew about her father and everything and how she went to New York because of him, Laura hadn’t had the courage to fight him back and stay. She didn’t stay in Toronto even when she saw Carmilla breaking into pieces the day she left. She caused all of that and she was the only one to blame.

“You okay there?” Will bumped his shoulder on Laura’s softly to get her attention, which seemed to have flung out to space.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just nervous, that’s all.” She smiled gently, her fingernails scratching the ticket in her hand, her legs way too short, barely reaching the floor. “It’s weird. I’m this close to seeing her again and yet it seems almost impossible.”

“It will work out fine, Laur. I swear.” He smiled at her, making sure to make her feel secure and to reassure her that they would work it all out. He wasn’t sure about that, but deep down he truly believed it was.

A voice came echoing on the speakers asking all people on the flight number 307 to direct themselves to gate 4 and Laura felt like she was about to throw up. She took a deep breath before she stood up, followed by Will and Brandon.

“I guess it’s time,” Brandon started as they stopped in line.

“I guess it is.” Laura smiled through the tears. She clumsily pulled both of them into a hug, letting the tears roll down freely. “Thank you. For everything. I will miss you both a lot.”

“We will miss you too, tiny thing.” Will placed a kiss on top of Laura’s head, Brandon gently rubbing his hand against Laura’s forearm. “Invite us to the wedding.”

Laura chuckled lightly and the thought of her in a white dress and Carmilla in a tux came to her mind, making her heart beat so hard against her sternum. The butterflies in her stomach were all there making their presence again. Suddenly her fingertips were cold and she was scared to take a step forward on the line.

“I think I’m the one who should be saying that.” She looked at them smugly, getting eye rolls from both of them. “But, seriously, if you don’t come to visit me I won’t be your maid of honor at your wedding.”

“Who said I want you to?” Will rose his eyebrow to his hairline with a fake sarcastic face.

“I did.”

Laura reached the end of the line. The woman standing at the entrance held her hand out and asked to see her ticket.

She checked it. Stamped it. Directed her to go ahead and to have a safe flight.

Laura waved goodbye to Brandon and Will, tears still in their eyes – all three of them. They disappeared when she took a light turn as she went down the stairs that led to her plane.

She would set feet in Toronto in two hours and even though she was happy to finally solve things with Carmilla, Laura wasn’t sure if she was ready for that. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to see Carmilla after all that time and to see her hurt live and in colors. She wasn’t sure if she could talk to her and realize how much she had _truly_ hurt her and not pull her into a hug because she couldn’t do that anymore. Laura didn’t have the right to just hold Carmilla like she used to before because she left her and she broke her and it was all her fault. Laura didn’t have the right to do that, even though the pain Laura was feeling could only be taken away by Carmilla’s embrace.

When the airplane left the ground, Laura started crying and she wished she hadn’t left in the first place.

* * *

Carmilla never thought she’d see the day that she’d, happily, grab her guitar and play songs requested by LaFontaine. The ginger had arrived three hours before that to their “ _wine and cheese night_ ”, as they would call it. Carmilla wasn’t a fan of cheese, but she was definitely always down for some wine-y alcohol. She was in need of it.

Perry had gone out with LaFontaine just a couple of minutes before Carmilla gulped down her last glass of wine. She felt her eyelids a little bit heavy but, yeah, to hell with that. For the first time in months she didn’t feel anything. Carmilla wasn’t drunk, but she was feeling a little… lighter. Her head wasn’t spinning around and overthinking things. She wasn’t happy, but she wasn’t sad. She didn’t feel the urge to climb up the rooftop, but she also didn’t _not_ want to do it. She thought about Laura, but she didn’t want to think about her. She couldn’t help it, but this time it didn’t hurt that Laura wasn’t there.

A little dizzy, she stood up and went to her room. She would clean that mess later. Or tomorrow.

Everything in her room was in its places, except for her notebook and all of those pencils spread on the desk, the lamp half turned on because she had forgotten to turn it off before she left the room. She knew she needed to do that. It helped her. It helped Carmilla because she was saying everything she wanted to say to Laura, even if it wasn’t directly to her. She was putting the words out there and the weight on her shoulders was always lifted up. With a deep sigh, she pulled the chair and sat on it. Paper and pen in hands, she started writing the last letter she would ever write to Laura.

_Toronto, March 26 th, 2019_

_Hi, Laur. This one is probably the hardest letter I’ve ever written to you._

_Since we last talked I’ve been thinking about you a lot (I didn’t know it was possible). I’ve been thinking about everything that **you** went through, that **we** went through and you know what? It was way beyond our reach. It was out of your control, of my control, our control. I know you leaving under those circumstances doesn’t erase everything we lived together in the past year, so please don’t feel guilty. You did what you had to do. If there’s someone to blame in this crazy rollercoaster, it’s me. I know if I’d asked you to stay, you would be here. Or maybe not. At least I would’ve tried. At least I would’ve tried to make you stay and I’d help you heal and maybe I wouldn’t but we would try to do it all together. I couldn’t do that, even when you begged me for it. I’m so sorry._

_I won’t give up. I won’t give up on us. I will wait for you for ten years if I have to. I will wait for you even if I have to watch you be happy somewhere else. I will wait for you because you’re the one for me, Laur. You’re the one and I can’t let you go._

_I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’ve searched places to live in another country (you know I always wanted to go to Germany anyway). Perry doesn’t know about it and for the first time in forever I realized that I could move to Vancouver or to fucking Mars and none of this would get better. It’s not the town, it’s not the state or the country. The war I’m facing is inside me.  It’s against the guilty, the regret of not asking you to stay. It’s the lack of you. If you’re not with me, if you’re not aware that I love you all of this would still keep going and I’d still be miserable. I didn’t fully realize it back then, but now I know that you going away was all your father. You didn’t have a choice. It was all his voice inside your head and now that I’m connecting the dots you’re probably in constant emotional pain because that man ruined you and I couldn’t do anything to help you, to put you back together._

_The day you left for New York I almost died. I don’t even know how I got home that day because all I could see was blurred faces and blurred crooks and holes on the ground. All I wanted was for the pain to go away and for you to come back. Back then I didn’t want to ruin your career and it may sound selfish, but the minute I stepped inside my house I regretted not kissing you. Not saying I loved you. Maybe, if I had said it, you would’ve stayed. Maybe you’d realize that your father isn’t in control anymore, that you’re your own person and you could be happy. Here. You could be happy here and I could help you but I didn’t say anything. I let you go. I watched you slipping through my fingers so slowly and it ached for days, weeks. It still does._

_I’m writing this and maybe you’re not coming back ever. Maybe you’re coming back for Christmas or Thanksgiving and maybe I’ll catch a glimpse of you in a cafeteria ordering your favorite cappuccino with vanilla whipped cream and I’ll be too afraid to wave hello at you because I know that guilt will still eat me alive in ten years. Maybe someday I’ll see you in a park, watching the kids going down the slide and realize that one of those kids is your own kid and only then I’ll notice the infant backpack beside you with snacks and toys and I’ll smile even if it hurts like hell because you always mentioned how much you love kids and how you’d like to have a little girl someday. Maybe I’ll see you down the street and I’ll smile at you, involuntarily, but you won’t because you forgot about me or now I’m just someone you used to know, but I will wait for you. It doesn’t matter if the whole world burns, I will wait for you._

_Thank you for healing me, Laura. Thank you for being the one I love the most. Thank you for being you. I wished I could’ve healed you too and I’m sorry I didn't._

_I love you. I love you and I always will. I hope deep down you know that. I hope somewhere inside you already know all of this, even if you never read these letters._

_Yours truly, forever,_

_Carmilla Karnstein._

It hurt. It hurt to write that she would wait for her, even if it took ten years for her to come back. Even if she didn’t come back, she’d still be there waiting for her because what she felt for Laura wasn’t something she could just deny or let go of. It was so much more than that.

It was passion. Love. She couldn’t stop loving Laura even if she wanted to. It was like some superior force had brought them together for a reason. Laura healed Carmilla in places she didn’t even know she was hurt. Laura mended Carmilla back and mended pieces of her she wasn’t even aware that were broken. The only thing hurting Carmilla the most in all of that was that she couldn’t heal Laura. She couldn’t be what she needed to stop hurting. She wasn’t enough to make Laura happy, so she left to find her own happiness somewhere else. Somewhere that wasn’t in Carmilla’s arms and that was all her fault because she wasn’t enough. She could never be enough.

She heard loud knocks on the front door. With the back of her hand she wiped her cheek and put the pen down. Three knocks again and Carmilla groaned, rolling her eyes. As she walked down the very narrow and short hallway, she heard the knocks getting louder on the door.

“Oh, my God, Perry, you have your own keys! Remember to take them with you next time! Jesus Christ.” Carmilla mumbled under her breath, but loud enough for someone to hear her loud and clear. Carmilla swung the door open.

“Hi, Carm.”

Carmilla felt the ground beneath her disappear when she saw those crumpled papers that were too familiar to her because those were her papers, the letters she had written for her and Laura Hollis standing at her door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was... something. And of course I'd leave it on a cliffhanger. Sort of.  
> Thank you for reading and I will see you next Saturday!


	12. Even When She's Next to Me, We Could Not Be More Far Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura is back and everything comes tumbling down again. Laura's fears, Carmilla's feels. Everything breaks the surface and it's only up to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful creatures! How is everyone doing? 
> 
> I'd like to point that it's 4:25AM and I just finished writing the chapter, so mistakes will be making its appearances.  
> This chapter contains FLUFF!! Can you believe it? I thought it'd give you some time to breath after all of that.... intense reading. 
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy it!

**AN HOUR BEFORE**

The dusty aroma that hit her nostrils made Laura sigh. It couldn’t be any different since that house had been locked out for more than three months, with no air circulation whatsoever. But that’s okay, she’d clean it all later. She was home and the current of happiness running through her body was exhilarating. Rolling her bags into the living room, one of the wheels got stuck on something that Laura didn’t bother to look at before.

“What the…” Laura mumbled, taking her bag out of the way to find an enormous amount of mail on the floor. _Of course_. She bent down and picked it all up.

But there was something different about it. It was around ten envelopes, all of them almost completely blank, no stamps, only with her name handwritten on it in a handwriting she knew very well. There were dates – since the day she left. They were from Carmilla. Her fingertips left clean spots on the paper, her shaky hands making the paper tremble.

Laura didn’t care about the bags or unpacking anymore. She sat down on her couch, way too dusty for someone to be sat on, and opened the first envelope, the one that said January 7th on it. For a second Laura was scared. Scared to open those envelopes because what could Carmilla possibly have to say to her that she couldn’t have said before? What if it was something bad? What if Carmilla left and didn’t even tell her? What if this was her goodbye? What if this time was Carmilla leaving without looking back, just like Laura had done? The thought made her blood cool in her veins.

Impatiently, Laura ripped the tip of the envelope before ripping it all off to take the perfectly folded paper from it.

Carmilla’s handwriting was still exactly as she remembered. It’s not like she could change it much in three months, but there was something about the way she twisted her Ts and her Rs and how beautifully she could write the numbers – something her Math teacher from seventh grade still gave Laura a hard time for every time he saw her on the street.

What Laura read on the first line broke her into pieces again. Pieces she thought she had healed herself. Pieces that only Carmilla could mend back together.

_…watching you leave broke me in so many pieces I can’t even count._

With a sob, she sat more comfortably on the couch, sinking further into it, as she let the tears roll down her face, feeling the same amount of pain Carmilla had put on those words. She could feel it in every word. Knowing Carmilla and knowing how she wrote and _why_ she did it in the first place, Laura could feel everything and that’s what made it even more difficult to read. What made Laura feel even worse about leaving without telling Carmilla she loved her.

And she kept going like that until she found herself stuck on those three words she had waited so long to hear from the other girl.

_I love you._

Three simple words that were written on a paper and because, somehow, Carmilla couldn’t have said that to her. She couldn’t have said it to her before she left and Laura knew there was a reason behind that, said reason being Laura herself. Maybe that would’ve changed things and maybe they would be in a good place now, but that’s just a lot of possibilities thrown out at four winds.

Carmilla loved her.

Even with all of her flaws and uncertainties and struggles, Carmilla loved her. Even if Laura left, Carmilla still loved her and the dark-haired girl made sure to let Laura know somehow, even if she didn’t say it to her. Even when Laura was scared to feel those things for the other girl so intensely, she showed her that it was okay. When she felt too much, when she felt like she couldn’t love her like that because her father, even though he didn’t say anything because he didn’t know, made her believe that she couldn’t, Carmilla made sure to make her feel safe, to show her that it was okay and that there was nothing wrong with her.

Twenty minutes later Laura was down to one envelope. Those letters brought with it a lot of mixed emotions and emotional responsibility and pain and love and everything that comes with it. Everything that comes with the fear of loving someone too much – or just _loving someone._ Every little thing, good and bad. Those memories that Carmilla had written there fulfilled Laura’s heart with love, but seeing how broken Carmilla was every time somehow drained it all out again.

As she started reading the last letter, the smallest of them all, her heart started to ache inside her chest. At one point she thought Carmilla had given up and Laura wasn’t going to blame her if she did. Everything they had gone through together was rough and Carmilla deserved so much more than that – so much more than that broken shell that Laura was.

But one specific line made Laura’s heart grow in her chest and suddenly it was filled with hopes and dreams again. The one line right above that round, small water mark, which was probably made by a single tear that had fallen from Carmilla’s eyes as she wrote it.

_I won’t give up. I won’t give up on us. I will wait for you for ten years if I have to. I will wait for you even if I have to watch you be happy somewhere else. I will wait for you because you’re the one for me, Laur. You’re the one and I can’t let you go._

Only to break her again.

It broke her that Carmilla had thought about leaving because Laura had hurt her too much. She had thought about leaving and she didn’t think about telling Laura. She didn’t even bother mentioning it. Not that she was one to blame because there Laura was, sitting in the living room of her house in Toronto and she didn’t even tell Carmilla that she was going back. There Laura was, hiding herself and her emotions since day one because she just couldn’t do it. She had assumed too much and was left with too little and two broken hearts – hers and Carmilla’s. And, for that, she hated herself.

She hated that she didn’t see how much Carmilla loved her back then. She hated that she didn’t have the courage to fight her father, to make her own decisions, to build her own life. If she was that damaged it was his fault in the first place. She hated that she was too damaged to be able to love Carmilla the way she deserved. She hated that the thought of leaving had crossed Carmilla’s mind and all of that because _she_ had left. Laura hated that she put Carmilla in a position where she pictured that Laura could be _happy_ with someone else. There was no someone else. There could never be someone else.

Laura didn’t even bother to wipe the tears away before she grabbed those letters and ran out the door. She needed to talk to Carmilla. She needed to fix everything, every damaged she had done. She locked the door and took the quickest route to Carmilla’s place. She didn’t even bother to warn her father that she was back. Screw him.

* * *

The ground beneath Carmilla’s feet seemed to disappear as she saw Laura standing at her door, holding the letters she had written a while ago in hands. She was speechless. The dark-haired girl stared at Laura as if she had seen her before, but couldn’t quite remember where. She was definitely skinnier, the dark circles under her eyes were a little bit more visible now, but her red puffy eyes were the breaking point to Carmilla because she knew she had been crying and judging by the letters she was holding, it was because of her. It was because of all those unsaid words and feelings that made everything so much harder for both of them.

Carmilla felt Laura’s body collapsing against hers, the smell of her lavender shampoo, the way Laura’s arms wrapped around the dark-haired girl’s neck too tight was what brought Carmilla back and made her understand that it was actually happening. She wasn’t daydreaming. It wasn’t just her imagination playing tricks on her anymore. It was Laura, in flesh, bone and colors.

It took her a while until she finally wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist, taking in every bit of Laura she could. She tightened her grip on her, but it didn’t seem to be enough. She could never have enough of Laura. Before they knew it, they were both sobbing against each other’s bodies.

Laura, because she was feeling too much and it was overwhelming and even though having Carmilla in her arms again was exactly what she needed, she didn’t feel like she could. She couldn’t do that to her after all.

Carmilla, because she was so done missing Laura and now she was back, even though she didn’t tell her and why didn’t she tell her that she was coming back? Wasn’t she planning on seeing Carmilla? Didn’t she _want_ to? Did she only do it because she found the letters?

Laura was so ready. She didn’t want to waste any more time. She didn’t want to wait anymore because if she didn’t say it to Carmilla that she loved her and that the rest of the world doesn’t matter if she’s not with Carmilla she would explode. She knew how much Carmilla was broken inside, she had read it. She saw it in the letters how much she hurt her and maybe that was the only way she could do something good, at least for once. Maybe that was the only way to prevent herself from making Carmilla more harm.

“Laur…” Carmilla tried to speak, but her voice wouldn’t come out. It was barely a whisper, barely a mumble.

Laura pulled out from Carmilla’s embrace and it actually hurt. It was like having to get stitches without anesthesia. It stung, it hurt. She looked Carmilla in the eyes, those dark brown eyes that were now red and had barriers of unshed tears on them, and her heart raced in anticipation because she really needed to tell her that and she knew that it could go two ways: she could hurt her even more, or it could be everything Carmilla needed.

“I love you.” Laura stared deeply into Carmilla’s eyes, her pupils dilating even more at each word. She thought she’d seen her chin tremble, but maybe it was just her imagination. “I love you and I’m so sorry for everything I did. I’m sorry that I hurt yo—“

Laura’s was cut off by Carmilla’s lips on hers and an electric current hitting her. Carmilla closed her eyes, but she could see a whole galaxy in them. She could see the fireworks and the stars and every single shiny thing right in front of her shut eyes because Laura’s lips were on hers and suddenly everything faded away. All of her pain, her doubts, her fears. All the bad things disappeared and Carmilla was nothing but love again. She reached for the back of Laura’s neck to pull her closer until she felt a certain familiar saltiness.

Tears.

She pulled away and Laura was crying and all Carmilla wanted to do was to hug her pain again. Kiss her fears away. Love her scars away.

“I’m sorry, Carm.” Laura whispered under her breath, still trying to get some oxygen into her lungs.

Carmilla took Laura’s lips again, smoothly, gently kissing her this time. A single kiss.

“It’s okay, Laura. It’s okay.” Carmilla whispered to her ear, trying to keep her as close as possible.

“It’s not. It’s not because I left you and I hurt you and I’m so sorry, but I didn’t mean to do it all to you, Carm. I’m sorr—“

“I love you, Laura.” Carmilla’s hand had met Laura’s hazel strands a few seconds before, her fingers gently caressing her head as she held Laura’s face in place, right where it was – in the crook of her neck. “I love you and that doesn’t change. You could never hurt me, Laura.”

“But I did! I read all of your letters, Carmilla. I read it all and I know I hurt you, even though I didn’t mean to. I know you feel like you’re not enough to me!” Laura spoke a little louder this time, anger was so clear in her voice.

But Laura wasn’t angry at Carmilla, because she couldn’t do that. Not in the position they were, not in that situation. She was angry at herself. Angry that she didn’t see it sooner. Angry that even though Carmilla had said it all in those letters, she was still trying to pretend that she wasn’t hurt to protect Laura from whatever she was feeling. Maybe to protect Laura from herself.

Carmilla remained silent. She couldn’t talk back because she couldn’t lie to Laura. She couldn’t say she wasn’t hurt because she was and even though it wasn’t Laura’s fault, Carmilla was only human. She felt like she had lost Laura and that broke her like someone had cut a hole in her. But she wasn’t about to tell Laura that. Not if it was going to make her even more miserable.

Laura stepped back from Carmilla’s embrace, even if her whole body was aching for more. She stared at the floor for a few seconds before she looked up at Carmilla’s face to find the other girl with trails of tears on her cheeks.

“We need to talk, Carm.” Laura said, staring deeply into Carmilla’s eyes. The dark-haired girl nodded and stepped aside so Laura could walk into the room.

Silence was never this hurtful. They just stood there, Laura staring at Carmilla and the dark-haired girl facing her own feet. She knew Laura was confused and probably thinking that Carmilla had given up on her at this point because that look on her face was way too familiar – the same look she had the night she heard Carmilla singing the song she wrote for her at the bar.

“Why, Carm?” Laura broke the silence, her voice came out almost inaudible as a choke broke her words. “Why didn’t you tell me all of that? All of _this_?” She raised her hands, showing Carmilla all the letters and now crumpled feelings.

“I don’t know.” That was a lie. She knew. She didn’t want to hurt Laura anymore. She didn’t want Laura to feel guilty or like she had to do something about that because she was done with Laura being a hostage of her own mind. Carmilla didn’t want to make her feel like her father does.

“Carm, please.” Laura begged. “Please, tell me. If you didn’t, these letters wouldn’t have existed. You write to cope, as you said yourself in one of these. So, please, Carm, tell me.”

“If you read the letters then you know. You know that I did all of that because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“ _How_ could that have hurt me in any way, Carmilla!?” At this point the tears were back and so was Carmilla’s, but the low light in the room wouldn’t give it away. “If someone here did the actual hurting, said someone is me. And that is very clear right now by the look on your face. I’ve never seen you like this.” Laura’s voice came out very low and the pain in it could be felt in miles.

 _You should’ve seen me when you were gone, Laur,_ Carmilla thought, but she didn’t dare open her mouth and make Laura feel worse. None of that was her fault. _None._

“You didn’t hurt me, Laura.” Carmilla said, for the hundredth time. “Your father did.”

Laura’s eyebrows knitted together. Carmilla took two steps closer to Laura and she felt like it was too close because now she could almost feel the warmth of Laura’s body and she could literally hear her heavy breathing. For a second she thought she’d lose control and pull her in an embrace again.

Carmilla knew her father was a delicate spot. Carmilla immediately regretted it as soon as she saw Laura’s body trembling as she tried to hold a sob in.

“You left because of your father. You left because _your father_ wanted you to, not because you did. All of your fears and everything that you might have kept yourself from doing because you were afraid, that was all your father. _You_ didn’t do anything, Laur. You could never.”

“I hurt you,” Laura whispered, the trails of shed tears on her face shining at every new tear that rolled down. “I’m too damaged and I hurt you. I knew I had hurt you before, but now…” 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you.” Carmilla whispered, staring deeply into Laura’s eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you the way you healed me.”

“What?”

“You healed me, Laura.” Carmilla chuckled nervously, as if she couldn’t believe she had just said that after holding it in for so long. “I was a mess when I met you. I was a mess when you left, but I was only a mess again because you were no longer with me. The whole time you were here, you healed me. You put all of my broken, unfixable pieces together.”

Laura smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to feel. Except for those stupid butterflies again.

“I didn’t tell you that because I knew you were already going through a lot. I was afraid that, if I told you that I loved you as soon as you left Toronto, you’d blame yourself for everything. That you’d feel bad for being happy in New York and at your new job and I really wanted you to be happy there, Laura, even if you couldn’t be with me.”

Laura wanted to say so many things, but she had no idea where to start. While she tried to put all of the puzzle pieces together, she just stared at Carmilla and she only noticed she had been smiling that whole time because her cheeks started to burn a little.

“I didn’t want to hurt you by saying that. I didn’t say that I loved you before because I thought I wasn’t enough for you and whatever I said would never be enough because you were afraid to be with me the whole time. Now I know it’s not your fault, Laura, but back then…”

“If you had just said all of that before, Carm…”

“Then both of us would be miserable because there was nothing we could have done about it.” Carmilla smiled as she got closer to Laura, putting the strands of hazel hair behind her ear, the ones that stuck to her wet cheek. “I didn’t want to mention it. I didn’t want to pour salt on your cuts. I didn’t know it would still have that effect on you, which turned out to be the poured salt on _my_ cuts as well. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Laura brought her hand to cup Carmilla’s cheek, using her thumb to brush off the tear rolling down. The touch made her extremities go numb for a second and her whole body was frozen. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

They smiled at each other fondly and Laura was sure that was the nearest she’d get to heaven, to her happy place, her safe haven. For a moment, she forgot everything around her. The whole wide world faded before her eyes as she watched Carmilla smiling at her, even after everything. Even after the heartbreaks, after Laura left her without saying to Carmilla that she really didn’t want to go because she was her source of peace and that, actually, all of that didn’t really matter if she wasn’t going to be with Carmilla but she was so, so tired of being her father’s puppet and she just wanted a reason, a single reason for him to be proud of her or to just let Laura be whatever she wanted to be, to do whatever she wanted to because it was _her_ life and she deserved a little bit of happiness, even though her father didn’t agree with that. Maybe going to New York would solve things. Maybe that would help her get better somehow.

It didn’t. She just wanted to be happy.

Happiness was living in Toronto, broken to pieces, the whole time.

Happiness was right in front of Laura, with tears and a smile and love exhaling from her pores as she watched Laura there, in front of her, just waiting for a cue or really anything to pull Carmilla in again because there they were, so, _so_ painfully close but yet so fucking far and she couldn’t handle it anymore.

Maybe they still weren’t in complete peace. Maybe there was still a lot of things to be talked about and solved between them, but for now all they wanted was each other. Each other’s embrace was everything they needed and so much more. Things weren’t perfect, but all they needed was to take one step at a time, to live one day at a time.

Now was enough.

And both of them were okay with that.

“You look tired, cupcake.” Carmilla’s voice was still breaking, as if she had something stuck in her throat, but this time pain wasn’t as clear anymore. For Laura she sounded like her Carmilla. The Carmilla she used to know, not the broken one she met in those letters. Carmilla winked at her with a shy smile, tilting her head just the slightest to the side, almost like a flicker, pointing to the couch right beside them. “All yours, just like old times.”

* * *

“Would you have done it?” Laura mumbled as she laid half of her body on Carmilla’s, head resting on her chest, Carmilla’s arm serving as support under her neck, hand up in her hair and ear placed perfectly that she could hear Carmilla’s heartbeat – which got faster every time she rubbed her thumb against her hip bone, where her hand was resting. Laura took a deep breath as the dark-haired girl ran her fingers through her hair, while her free hand traced free shapes on top of her hand.

The smaller girl had to fight so hard to not fall asleep, which she’s been having trouble doing for the last months, but she had to ask her. The question was tormenting her since the moment she read that last letter.

“Done what?”

“Left. You said you wanted to go away.”

“Yes,” Carmilla hesitated for a second. She gulped before she answered. “But then I realized that it’d be useless. I could go anywhere, literally _anywhere,_ but you’d still be in New York and it’d still carry that hole in me. It wouldn’t matter where I was because you still wouldn’t be with me. So, what’s the point?”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Laura said finally, allowing her body to completely relax under Carmilla’s touch – a so not hard thing to do.

“Me too, buttercup, me too.”

_I just got you back. I’m not going anywhere, Laur._

“Laur?”

“Hm?”

“Can we pretend, just for tonight, that if I asked, we’d run away?” Carmilla said very slowly, very quietly, staring at the ceiling before she let her eyes fall onto Laura. “There would be no one to fail, and we would never live in the same city twice. It’d be just you and me… Just you and me in love.”

Carmilla had really pictured it all. It was too easy to picture a future with Laura in it. She could see Laura fangirling on a trip to London because of a tour to all the places Jane Austen had written into her books or Laura complaining about how there were too many stairs to get to the top of the Eiffel Tower and that it’d take them an eternity to get up there because she had short legs. She could imagine it all with Laura and this perfect future she had created inside her head was amazing. Way too perfect, way too dreamy.

“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

Before Carmilla could answer back, she reached down and took Laura’s lips on hers. It didn’t matter how many times Carmilla kissed Laura, but she would get shivers every single time. That was what Laura did to her.

“Remember when you said earlier that you wanted me to be happy? Even if it was somewhere else?” Laura asked hesitantly, tracing circles on Carmilla’s hipbone with her fingertip. Carmilla hummed in agreement. “ _This_ is happiness, Carm. I wasn’t happy there.”

With a kiss on the top of Laura’s head, Carmilla felt her grip getting weaker on her hand at each second. Her thrown arm over her torso was falling down and she didn’t feel Laura’s thumb rubbing against her hip anymore. She was holding Laura to sleep, just like she used to do  before she left.

Laura left and now she was back and Carmilla still didn’t know how the fuck that had happened. But that could wait a little bit.

* * *

Two and a half hours later Carmilla still hadn’t closed her eyes, not even once. When she heard Perry’s key turning inside the lock, she hoped that it wouldn’t wake Laura up because she couldn’t lose the weight of her body on hers. When Perry stepped inside, Carmilla whispered a ‘sh’ before Perry could even notice Carmilla lying on the couch. Even if the only light in the room was coming from a lamp, the dark-haired girl could still notice Perry’s face when she realized Carmilla wasn’t alone.

At first she was confused. It was only Carmilla and a tiny body and a mess of hairs. Perry got closer and when she realized that the person laying on Carmilla’s side was too familiar, her jaw hung ajar.

“I know I had a few beers but I’m not drunk enough to picture Laura laying in your arms.” Perry whispered as quietly as she could. Laura didn’t even move. Her breathing didn’t even go unsteady for a second.

“She came back today. She appeared at the door holding the letters.”

“The letters you swore she wouldn’t read because she was too happy in New York to ever come back to Toronto?” Carmilla smiled weakly, almost guilty.

“Surprise.”

“I think I need some answers.”

“I could say the same.”

Carmilla realized Perry wasn’t going to give up on that conversation anytime soon, even though it was already almost one in the morning, when she saw the redhead sit on the floor, legs crossed and boots off, just waiting for Carmilla to start talking.

Carmilla took a deep breath, trying not to make any sudden movements that could wake Laura up.

“She just appeared. I thought you had forgotten your keys again because, you know, that seems to be a forming habit.” Carmilla mocked as Perry rolled her eyes. “But then when I opened the door she was just standing there, holding the letters in hand, crying. I didn’t know if that deafening sound was the ground shattering as it disappeared beneath me or my heart breaking even more.”

“But out of nowhere? Didn’t she tell you she was coming back?”

“No, I had no idea. Did LaF say something? Is she here temporarily or…?”

“No, they didn’t say anything. That’s something _you_ should know.”

“We didn’t talk about it. We talked about… what we needed to talk.”

Perry’s eyebrows rose to her hairline in surprise. She wasn’t about to say that she was surprised because she wasn’t. The redhead was sure that she wouldn’t have walked into that if they were still refusing to talk about their feelings.

"Finally!"

“I told her everything.” Carmilla said, biting her bottom lip as she tried to hold the tears back. “I told her how broken I was, how I missed her and everything. I told her I love her and it felt so good, Per. Writing those letters was really my way-out, but saying it to her face… It was priceless.”

“Did she say it back?”

“She said it first.” Carmilla smiled. “But I’m not focusing on doing anything about that. At least not right now. Laura already has too much on her plate with her father and what that man did to her head. And those letters, Per… You know me. I write everything I feel, no filters. I was in a really rough place when she left and I made it very clear on those papers, right over there,” Carmilla pointed to the center table with a slight nod, to where the pile of papers was sitting. “So it’s a lot for her to digest. Whatever she wants to do, whatever she needs to do, I’m here. If she stays here, we’ll figure out a way to be together, if she still wants me. If she decides to go back to New York, so let it be. All I want is for her to be happy, that’s all.”

Carmilla didn’t even know why she was crying at this point. The whole situation was too overwhelming and just the thought of Laura leaving again to New York was painful enough.

Perry just agreed with light nods to everything Carmilla said. Before she stood up, she gave Carmilla a kiss on her forehead.

“And whatever both of you need, whatever you decide, I’m here. I’ll leave the lamp on.” She grabbed her boots gently from the floor before she, cautiously, walked out of the room to her own bedroom, leaving Carmilla alone again with her thoughts and fears and Laura sleeping on her chest.

Laura Hollis was sleeping on her chest. She had to pinch herself twice before she actually believed that was happening. Somehow it still felt too surreal, even though she was holding her in her arms. They had kissed. Laura was really there and Carmilla didn’t know what she was allowed to think or feel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, yep, that's happening.  
> thank you so much for reading and I'll see you next weekened (because, honestly, how do people keep jobs and college without freaking out?)


	13. We Fit Together Like Two Pieces of a Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week later and things are getting better between them. A week before, a talk that solved it all.   
> Or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! How are you all today?  
> I don't have much to say about this chapter, you just need to ~feel it. So, I'll leave you to it. Any grammar/spelling error is all on me. Let me know if you find any.

“Laura, it’s been a week.” Carmilla huffed as she bent down to pick Laura’s suitcase from the floor, setting it on her bed. Laura did not move a muscle and maintained her previous position of just laying comfortably on the other side of the bed, a handful of Perry’s freshly baked red velvet cookies. “You need to unpack. If you’re not doing it, then I am.”

“Be my guest.”

“Laura, I’m serious!” Carmilla giggled, taking the cookie that was halfway to Laura’s mouth, right before a bite, from her hand. “First you unpack, and then you can eat all of your weight in sugar. Actually, no, you cannot. But you get it. Cookie later.”

Laura’s jaw hung open in a shock. She could not believe Carmilla had dared to take that cookie away from her.

“Carm, give it back!” Laura squealed right before she jumped off the bed and tried to reach Carmilla, only to watch the dark-haired girl take one step backwards.

“Nah,” Carmilla teased, taking a huge bite of it. “If you want it, you come and get it.”

Laura stumbled a little before she hopped off the bed, still a little loose on her balance, and ran around trying to get that cookie back, but Carmilla was nothing but a tease, laughing at Laura’s struggle, the hazel-haired girl’s giggles were music to her ears. With twisty movements, Carmilla dodged from every single attempt Laura made to reach for her hand, until the dark-haired girl tripped on a pair of jeans on the floor and stumbled to the side, allowing Laura to push her on the bed and climb on top of her, pinning both her hands above her head separately.

“Aren’t you going to get the cookie? I certainly cannot move with you on top of me holding me down like this, cupcake.” Carmilla asked as their laughter ceased, watching Laura’s eyes burning on her. Laura did not answer, but the sound her giggles still filled the entire room.

Laura bent down and kissed Carmilla, ever so gently. The dark-haired girl felt the tip of Laura’s tongue brushing against her semi-closed lips for a second, right before she pulled away. When they parted, Laura had the most sincere smile on her face.

“It definitely tastes so much better like this.” Carmilla smiled before she left the cookie somewhere on the nightstand and, with her free hand, pulled Laura in for another kiss. Very slow, very passionate.

Laura pecked her lips one more time, just to feel the butterflies again, and climbed off Carmilla’s lap, setting her hands free. Carmilla looked at the bag, right next to her, so stuffed with clothes that it was barely keeping it all together. Then, she looked at Laura. The girl had not even started unpacking yet and the defeated look was so clear on her face.

“I don’t want to do it,” Laura whined as a five year-old would with a pout, stamping her foot on the floor. “Why didn’t you just tell me to do it sooner?”

“Because I didn’t know you were staying for good. I thought you’d only be here for a couple of days.” Carmilla said with a shrug.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming back.” Laura said quietly, the guilty she had not felt in a week coming back with all its force. She played with the zipper on her suitcase before she, slowly, started to open it just so she could avoid looking directly at Carmilla’s eyes because she knew that if she did, she would see the sadness in them again. She’d remember that she’s the reason for it. “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me and all. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Laur.” Carmilla looked at her and smiled, even though Laura wasn’t looking at her. She couldn’t help it anyway. She sat on the edge on the other side of the bed. “I’m glad you got here by surprise, to be completely honest. If you had told me you were coming, I’m sure I would’ve gone crazy and left like I wanted to, like the coward that I am.”

Carmilla whispered that last part in hopes Laura wouldn’t understand her, but that seemed to fail. The dark-haired girl couldn’t help but to feel like a coward. A coward for loving Laura for all that time and for never having the courage to tell her. A coward for watching Laura leave and not having the guts to ask her to stay, even though, for her, it would’ve been selfish. Even when Laura begged her to.

“Carm, you’re not a coward.” Laura walked around the bed to meet Carmilla, whose eyes were darting to her fidgety fingers on her lap. Laura gently cupped Carmilla’s face and the sudden touch made the dark-haired girl look up at the smaller one, trying to hide everything her eyes were exuding at that moment. “Please, I don’t want you to put the weight of all this on you. If there is a coward in this scenario, that person is me. I couldn’t even fight my father on anything my whole life. Not when I went to New York, not… _Anything._ ”

Laura emphasized the last word and Carmilla knew that she meant **them**.  She knew that Laura still beat herself up about letting her father getting so much into her head when it came to their happiness together. It wasn’t like she had a choice, but still. Laura wanted so desperately for that to go away, for every piece of power her father still had on her to just dissipate into thin air.

Going back to that place in Laura’s head was still painful. Laura wasn’t sure if it would ever stop being painful. Her father had hurt her so much and for a second she wished it was physically. At least physical pain goes away easily. Her whole body reacted to that in the worst way possible. She could literally feel the weight on her shoulders and the tension making her neck muscles hurt.

“Laura, it’s not your fault. You can’t control it. Maybe you can’t do it all by yourself…” Carmilla said and watched Laura’s face to see if there was any change and got nothing. So, she knew it was safe to keep going. “So, if you want me, I’m here for you. We’ll fight that together.”

Laura looked at Carmilla, watching their hands intertwining somewhere between their bodies. She smiled as Carmilla put a strand of her hair behind her ear with a smile. Laura didn’t answer. She knew she did not have to. Carmilla understood her like the palm of her hand. Carmilla could read her perfectly, just like Shakespeare could write tragic love stories. All it took was one look, one touch.

“You could start by calling him and letting him know you’re here.” Carmilla proposed, watching Laura’s features again.

Laura sighed and after a few seconds, she nodded in agreement. She knew there was no running away from that. She knew that, eventually, her father would find out that she’s back and he would go back to make her life a living hell. The only difference this time is that Carmilla was by her side no matter what. This time it seemed easier to deal with it.

“Okay.” Laura whispered. “After I unpack.”

“There’s no I in you and me, cupcake.” Carmilla smiled as she stood up, hands holding each one of Laura’s arms, rubbing it against them up and down. She leaned forward and kissed Laura’s lips once again, feeling Laura’s lips turning into a smile mid-kiss. “Come on, you have a lot of stuff to be put in place.”

* * *

**A WEEK BEFORE**

Laura woke up to a familiar smell of freshly baked, still warm waffles and a light ray of sunshine coming into the room through the gap between the two curtains, reflecting only on half of Carmilla’s standing body. Laura had to blink twice in order to get her brain to actually understand that she wasn’t dreaming. She was at Perry’s house, laying on their couch and Carmilla was actually standing in front of her, leaning on the counter, slicing whatever it was, in her pajamas. She tilted her head to the side, just watching Carmilla move totally unaware that Laura was smiling at her from the couch they had just slept the night.

A loud clinking sound echoed in the room and a very startled Carmilla quickly bent down to pick up the metal pan she had dropped on the floor.

“Damn!” She whispered to herself, checking in on Laura to see if she had woken up the girl. When she saw Laura fully awake and with that messy hair and sleepy smile looking at her, she almost felt her heart melting inside her chest. “Morning, sleepy head. I’m sorry I woke you up like this. It was supposed to be a lot nicer.”

“Don’t worry, I was already up.” Even though Laura’s body was aching to get up and wrap the other girl in her arms, the exhaustion was really taking over her. She felt like she had just been hit by a truck because every single muscle on her body hurt.

“Did you sleep well?”

_Better than I ever did in months._

“Considering I’m still in my last night’s clothes, yeah, I did.” Laura smiled softly at her, flashbacks of last night coming to her head. She glanced over really quick around the room and spotted the letters on the center table and that familiar sting in her chest came back.

Everything was the best it could bed. Last night events had not been the greatest of them all, but in the end they were together. Laura was back in Carmilla’s arms but there was so much left to be solved. So many things to be talked about and so many feelings to be dealt with and Laura wasn’t sure if she was ready to face all that. She just wanted to lay there and just forget about everything.

But if she wanted to lift that weight off her shoulders, she needed to do that. She loved Carmilla and that was as clear as a day, but in order to do that without hurting her, she needed to come with terms with herself first and that meant talking to Carmilla about everything – especially about those open wounds that had nothing to do with the dark-haired girl and that yet hurt _her_ the most.

“If Sleeping Beauty is not so busy, I have warm waffles and strawberries and hot chocolate waiting on the table.” Carmilla called out, taking everything on the counter to the table for four.

“Yeah, I’m coming.” Laura said quietly, trying to just erase everything from her mind for a second to just enjoy the moment. Enjoy while it lasts because she needed to go home and settle everything back because even though she wanted to be with her, Laura knew it was too much for Carmilla to handle too.

“Are you okay?”

Carmilla asked from the kitchen and Laura noticed the clinking sounds of glasses being set on the table and silverware being picked up weren’t echoing in the room anymore. Laura’s back was facing Carmilla and she didn’t even need to turn around to know that Carmilla was just standing there, watching her broken pieces appearing like neon lights under black light, feeling her own broken heart hurting again.

She just felt too much. She felt so bad for making it all happen, she was so sorry that she had hurt Carmilla like that and even though Carmilla said she didn’t and that it was okay, she knew it wasn’t. Broken hearts don’t mend back that easily.

“Are you?” Laura asked back. She felt the tears coming, but this time she wouldn’t let them out. She turned around to see Carmilla just like she had pictured, with glasses in hand, watching Laura as she got lost in her own mind.

“I asked first.” She answered back with a shrug and a weak smile.

“No,” Laura said. She was done hiding things from Carmilla. If that was their restart, then it shouldn’t start with more white lies. “No, I’m not.”

Laura watched Carmilla sigh very discretely, walking towards her. She sat on the couch, in front of her, one leg crossed under the other and her eyes burning into Laura’s. The hazel-haired girl didn’t see sorrow, anger, anything. She saw fondness. Comfort. Empathy.

“Care to explain?” Carmilla put a strand of hair behind Laura’s ear as she watched her gaze fixed on her own lap and her attention on the pattern of the couch.

She didn’t want to pressure her to talk about anything if she wasn’t ready yet, but Laura needed to get those things out of her chest. Carmilla knew her. Carmilla knew that Laura was someone who wouldn’t talk to anybody about what she was feeling and how many things she had saved for herself that were probably eating her up inside.

She knew Laura was hurt. She knew Laura blamed herself about everything that happened between them, even though Carmilla had told her that it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t control it. Laura’s father had hurt her so much in the past, had made Laura feel so guilty of everything that now it was her normal. That’s how she knew herself, that’s the life she knew. Carmilla was going to make sure to change that. To make Laura see that life doesn’t need to be painful like that.

“I’m just so tired,” Laura said, biting her bottom lip in order not to cry. “I’m so tired of overthinking things, Carm. I’m tired of living with this guilt of hurting you even if I didn’t mean to because I just love you so much and the thought of making you feel like I do it’s the worst. And then there’s my father. I’m just so tired and I want you to forgive me so bad.”

“Laur, there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do anything wrong. I know you don’t believe me right now and I’ll say this a hundred times if you need me to. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Carmilla gently cupped Laura’s face with one hand, while the other searched blindly for her hand, and just like a magnet, found its path just to intertwine their fingers together. “There’s been some ups and downs, but that’s just life. I’ve been through some shit and so have you, and the way of all this reflected, the effect it had on us doesn’t make us bad people.”

Laura stood up, taking two steps to grab the letters on the center table and sat back down on the couch, Carmilla watching her every move.

“February 22nd.” She said as she unfolded the paper, searching for that specific line and read out loud. “ _’”You didn’t hurt me.” I lied.’_ I hurt you, Carm. You said it yourself.”

“And I said it myself that I lied because I didn’t want to believe that **_it_** hurt me. It, the situation. The whole thing hurt me because of things that were out of your control, out of my, our control. I also said that I understand and I really do, Laura. It only hurt that much because you weren’t here. We couldn’t solve things over the phone. Not after how things stayed when you left.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me all of these things? Why did you send these to my house if I wasn’t even there? You didn’t want me to read these, did you?”

“At first, no.” Carmilla sighed, trying to ease her racing heart inside her chest. That was too much, too early in the morning. She had just gotten Laura back. Her own mind was a minefield and everything she said, _everything_ had the potential to take Laura away from her again. “I just needed to get those things out of my chest because I knew it wouldn’t be fair to say them to you over the phone when I couldn’t have said them when you were here.”

Carmilla didn’t know it was possible, but she saw some sort of anger in Laura’s face. Anger and hurt, all mixed up together.

“But the more I wrote, the more I wanted you to read them because then you’d know all of the things I feel and felt when I was with you, I knew you _needed_ to. All of the things you doubted in your head, that I know you did. If I loved you or not, if you were enough or not.” Carmilla saw Laura shifting in her place and the almost unnoticeable inch she moved away from the dark-haired girl made her heart hurt. Minefield. “I wanted you to read them. I wanted to say all of those things to you, like I’m doing right now, but how could I do that when there’s so much to say and when there was too much space between us? It wouldn’t be fair, Laur. To both of us.”

Laura’s silence was deafening and painful.

_Say something. Anything. Yell at me. Call me a coward. Say you don’t love me. Say you don’t want to be with me. Just say something._

“What about when I asked you to not let me leave? When I begged you, over text because I couldn’t say it to your face without crying my eyes off and feeling like someone had set my entire body on fire, to ask me to stay here? Was that because there was too much space between us too?” Laura sounded so hurt. She was _angry_ at Carmilla in a way she had never, ever been before.

Carmilla’s entire head was being filled with red flags and she didn’t know what to do anymore. Minefield.

“Do you know how that felt? After everything?” Laura said, a little bit louder now. Carmilla watched, through her own blurry teary eyes, Laura’s eyes forming that watery barrier that she hated to see. “I felt like even though you knew how much my father affected me in the worst way possible, you were still siding with him. Even though you knew I was going to New York because he wanted me to, you still thought _‘yeah, okay, you go, Laura, you be happy there’,_ as if I could. All I needed was that little push. If you had said something, even hesitated to say goodbye, I would’ve stayed.”

“Laura, that’s not what happened at all. You were working at Silas! You got to work for the New York Times and _that_ is a chance of a lifetime!”

“I was happy here, Carmilla. I was happy here, with you, with that crappy job that barely covered the bills. I was happy **here**!”

“Why did you go, then? You had already accepted the job. Why did you accept that offer then, huh?” Carmilla said loudly, tears no longing blinding her as they all rolled down her face uncontrollably.

“Because I was done being a disappointment!” Their voices were getting louder each time, all of the hurt disguised by screams and tears. “I was so done of being a fucking failure to my own father and even to you! You would know, you even wrote a song about it.”

Carmilla knew the song had hurt Laura. Carmilla wished she hadn’t written it at all.

Laura was standing, watching Carmilla’s body curling and the light sobs shaking her body. She knew she had crossed the line. It was too much. She took a deep breath and sat back down on the couch, getting closer to Carmilla this time. She sighed relieved when she didn’t move, but it hurt to see that she hadn’t looked up either.

“When I was with you all of the bad things seemed to disappear from my head. I forgot about my father, about everything and it was just you and me. You made all of the pain go away. Everything seemed easier. I didn’t even know I had all those broken parts inside me until I realized that they didn’t hurt anymore when I was with you because you healed them all.” A slight smile grew on her face as Laura lightly touched Carmilla’s hand, Carmilla’s finger twitching with the urge to get the full touch. “And when I heard that song, when I realized that I couldn’t do to you what you did to me, that I couldn’t heal you too… That shook me up on a cellular level, Carm. I wanted so bad to not disappoint you as well and that was the first thing I did.”

“You don’t even know what you did to me, do you?” Carmilla said gently, the corner of her lips tugging up just the slightest. “When Ell left and when I did the last book press, I promised myself that I would never write about love again. I just couldn’t do it. But then you came. And along with that came the songs and the letters, all about love. Because that’s what you are to me. You’re love. You’re happiness. You’re light.” Carmilla was staring deeply into Laura’s eyes, watching her pupils grow at each word. The anger was gone. The pain was slowly fading away. “You’re everything but a disappointment, Laur. You didn’t disappoint me, not even once. You’re the most amazing girl I have ever met and, again, I’ll remind you of that a hundred times if you need me to.”

Laura was smiling. Carmilla was smiling. Carmilla had both of her hands holding each side of Laura’s face, her thumb wiping the trail of tears left behind. Laura’s sobs were easing down, even though she felt her heart was going to jump out of her chest every time Carmilla touched her, smiled at her.

“I love you Laura, regardless of fathers, New York cities or all circumstances. I love you. I love you and, if you still want me, I’m here. Just say the word. But if you don’t, that’s okay too.” Her fingertips brushed lightly against Laura’s temple as she brushed off the strands of hair falling on her eyes, even though it didn’t seem to bother Laura because her gaze was fixed on Carmilla, eyes darting up and down at her face.

Their lips met. Not in a hurry, not in slow motion. It was just the right time. It wasn’t rushed, it didn’t hurt. After hurting for so long, none of them felt their hearts clenching inside their chests anymore. Carmilla felt Laura’s lips wrapping on her bottom lip, the salty taste of her tears was still there, almost hidden, but there, as they mixed with Carmilla’s own. Laura brushed off a strand of hair that tried to get in the way, but she didn’t dare to disconnect their lips. At least not yet.

Laura’s smile couldn’t wait any longer, so when they parted she was smiling at Carmilla, so fondly, with so much love. Her hands holding Carmilla’s face gently, her thumbs caressing her jawline. That, right there, was what Laura had been dreaming of for so long. She thought she had lost Carmilla somehow. She thought that she would never forgive her for being so damaged, but the dark-haired girl saw so much more than just the broken shell she was. She _was._ Not anymore. Not when Carmilla had loved all of it away.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Carmilla whispered, their foreheads resting against each other. Laura nodded.

Of course it was a yes. There was no other answer.

“Your hot chocolate is probably cold by now.” Carmilla said, pointing to the table with her head. Laura looked at the table, taking in every detail. How Carmilla woke up earlier and made sure to make her favorite breakfast, even though they still weren’t in good terms before. Flashbacks of not a long time ago came into Laura’s head and she felt her cheeks contracting into a smile, involuntarily.

Carmilla had made every little thing in her power during all that time to show her how much Laura meant to her and now, as she put two and two together, she finally figured out that Carmilla never left any gaps to doubts. She was always showing her Laura was special.

“Are you okay?” Carmilla asked, a little bit more serious now. She looked almost concerned. “I know it’s a lot to digest and—“

“Yes, I am.” Laura smiled.

Carmilla stood up and held a hand out to Laura. With a light chuckle, she took it and Carmilla led the way, a total of five steps, to the table.

As they ate, Laura couldn’t keep her eyes off Carmilla. She was stunning. She made her feel all sorts of things and she didn’t want to let go of her, ever. She had made that mistake once and she would fight Gods and all things before she would let that happen again.

“Carm?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

She didn’t say it to hear it back. She just wanted to make sure Carmilla knew it. Because she did. She loved Carmilla immensely.

Carmilla knew.

* * *

“Bless you!” Carmilla yelled from the living room when she heard Laura sneezing for the fifth time from her bedroom. They had been putting things in place for the last hour and Laura’s allergies were not happy about having the girl working that much in a house that had been kept closed for three months.

Laura’s clothes were already in the closet, all perfectly folded and separated by seasons because, according to Laura, that was easier to find the specific ones when she needed them. The entire house was smelling like lavender or vanilla, she couldn’t really figure out which one after they cleaned the entire house. A smile grew on Carmilla’s face when she saw Laura putting the book, _her_ book, on the shelf again, next to the one that was already there before.

Cookies placed in the jar and not on the nightstand. Suitcase back inside the closet.

“This allergy is going to be the death of me.” Laura walked into the living room, brushing her wet hair and the scent of baby powder coming from her body. That smell she could never mistake. Also wearing a t-shirt that was too familiar for Carmilla.

“I have a feeling I know this t-shirt.” Laura looked down at her torso, Carmilla’s black t-shirt with some random Paramore lyrics on it, fitting her like a glove. The dark-haired girl pulled Laura into her arms and kissed her forehead and smiled before she said, “It looks better on you anyway.”

“It was my sleeping piece of clothing when I was in New York.”

“I can give you a new one,” Carmilla said. She knew how painful the whole New York experience had been to Laura and she just wanted her to get rid of the bad memories she had created there. “Or you can steal one from my drawer and I’ll totally pretend I didn’t see.”

“Deal.”

“Do you want to go grab something to eat? We could go downtown and eat something other than processed sugar in cookie form.” Carmilla let go of Laura as the smaller girl took a step back to put her hairbrush aside.

“I do need to buy some things, don’t I?” Laura agreed. “But I need to do something first.”

Carmilla watched Laura walking away towards her bedroom again, only to come back with her phone in hands and the fear stamped on her face. She was looking at her phone with a certain uncertainty that made Carmilla want to wrap her arms around Laura and never let go.

“I need to call him first.”

With her heart racing like a speed car and shaky fingers taping on the screen, Laura pressed the call button. She felt like her whole body was anxiety at that moment. Carmilla watched the scene with her heart on her hands because even though she knew it was something Laura couldn’t go through alone, she felt like Laura needed to do that and she wasn’t in a place to get in the middle of. All she could do was offer Laura her support and show her that she wasn’t going anywhere.

The absolute silence in the room was making the beep sounds of the on-going call so clear for Carmilla to hear.

_Hello?_

“Hi, dad.” After some hesitation, Laura was finally able to speak up.

_Oh, hi, Laura. How is everything going?_

“It’s okay.”

_And how’s New York? I haven’t seen your name on the news._

Laura’s body trembled and she felt her extremities go numb for a millisecond. She looked up searching for Carmilla and when her eyes met with hers, she felt the blood rushing back to the tip of her fingers and toes.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” She said, biting her bottom lip. “’I came back to Toronto.”

_What?!_

“No, wait, don’t get mad.” Hearing Laura’s voice starting to break and that subtle tone of who desperately want to apologize broke Carmilla’s heart and made her blood boil inside her veins. “I still work for the New York Times, but as a correspondent. I still write articles for them, but now I can also share information from the state and the city living here. The salary is better, too.”

_Why did you do that, Laura? Was it a promotion or something?_

His tone made Laura shiver. It wasn’t like he was completely mad, but she knew how he sounded when he was at least disappointed. Unhappy. That tone she was hearing was the same one she heard all the times she said she wasn’t going to Law school.

“No, I applied for the job. I thought I’d be better here, at home.” Laura looked at Carmilla with that same sad smile. “New York is just not for me.”

_Nothing is ever for you, Laura. That’s what you said about Law school as well. When will you grow up?_

Carmilla saw Laura bouncing on her feet, switching her weight from one foot to the other. _Please, don’t apologize, Laura. None of this is your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for. Please, don’t apologize._

“Sorry.” She whispered. “Well, uh, I just called to let you know.”

_Are you happy, at least?_

The question caught Laura off guard. She had never heard those words coming out of her father’s mouth, not when it came to her.

“Immensely.” She answered, staring at Carmilla, in hopes she’d get the message. She knew Carmilla did when she saw the dark-haired girl smiling at her.

_Well, that’s good then. Is there anything else you would like to tell me?_

“No, that’s it. I actually have to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Laura lied. She didn’t have anything else important to do. She didn’t even want to talk to him later, she just wanted to finish that call and sink into Carmilla’s embrace. She just wanted that feeling to go away again and that would only be possible in the dark-haired girl’s arms.

_Okay, take care._

“Okay, bye.”

Laura waited until her father had hit the end call button and for the calling screen to disappear for her to be sure that he wasn’t listening to her anymore. She felt like the weight of the world was still on her shoulders but the relief she was feeling didn’t match the tension in her shoulders. Carmilla was still looking at her, standing right next to her with an elbow resting against the counter and her free hand caressing her cheek lightly. She looked at Carmilla and those two words were right there at the tip of her tongue, but before she could even open her mouth she felt Carmilla’s body collapsing against hers.

“Don’t.” She said as she pulled Laura further into her embrace, one arm wrapping around her back and the other holding her neck. “Don’t apologize. You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

Laura nodded. “Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything, cupcake. It was all you. I’m so proud of you. Do you hear me? I’m so, **so** proud of you. You’re amazing. Don’t let _anyone_ tell you otherwise.”

Chills. Laura got the chills every time she heard Carmilla saying those words to her. She didn’t even need to say anything, Carmilla just knew how and what to say every time. It was like she had Laura’s manual and already knew what was inside of it by heart.

“Are you okay?” Carmilla asked.

“I will be.” Laura answered, still with her face buried in Carmilla’s neck. “As long as you’re with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, buttercup.” With her index finger, she lifted Laura’s face up and pressed their lips softly together. Once. Twice. Three times. Until she felt Laura was okay. Truly okay. “We, on the other hand, need to go to the grocery store. That fridge has nothing inside.”

“It has cookies and peanut butter. What’s wrong with that?” Laura asked and watching Carmilla’s eyebrow rise to her hairline.

“You’re killing me, Hollis.” Carmilla giggled and Laura thought she was in heaven. That was music to her ears.

For the first time in her life, Laura was truly okay after talking to her father. That feeling of being useless didn’t come this time. As soon as Carmilla hugged her, everything was fine. A week ago she didn’t know where her life was going to be directed or how things with that woman she loved so would turn out but somehow _that_ was so much better than she had imagined.

She couldn’t be more thankful for those letters. Laura didn’t know that Carmilla’s way of dealing with pain and heartbreaks would also be hers. If she hadn’t found those papers under her door, she wouldn’t have gone to Carmilla’s place and they would probably still be on that edge of what ifs. Carmilla made her believe that she was worthy of love with every line she wrote, with every little word she put on that paper, even though they hurt. Not only Carmilla, but Laura as well.

Now the pain was quickly fading away. Laura could see in colors again. The sky was blue, but it wasn’t sadness. The apples were red and the plants were green and the sunflowers at the park were yellow. Every color brought Laura a different feeling that, somehow, made her feel different and better from how she felt back when Carmilla was just a name on her favorite book.

Carmilla was a rainbow.

Laura saw all the colors floating around her like the most beautiful aura she had ever seen, northern lights had nothing on her.

Carmilla was a rainbow and anesthesia and the smell of lavender and home. And there was nowhere else in the world where Laura wanted to be.

Laura didn’t notice she was staring at Carmilla with all the passion she had in her body. Her eyes were almost turning into a heart shape and she felt her heart racing when she noticed that Carmilla was looking at her like that, too. And with that smile that oh, my God, still made Laura blush.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Carmilla asked.

“I don’t know how else to look at you.” Laura simply answered before she pecked Carmilla’s lips. “I’m going to put on some pants and then we’re ready to go, ok?”

Carmilla nodded, watching Laura walking quickly to her bedroom and disappearing after that wall that separated both rooms.

Things weren’t great nor near perfect, but it worked. In the oddest, most twisted way it did. Carmilla could sleep the entire night again and so did Laura. Carmilla hadn’t cried herself at night looking at the stars or hugged any pillow to make the ache in her chest of missing Laura that much go away, because now she could hold her. Laura was back and she wasn’t going to let her slip through her fingers again.

Back in the day, Carmilla had promised herself that she wouldn’t write about love again. And then Laura came and the letters happened. It wasn’t about love, but it was to Laura. Letters to love itself.

Still with Laura in mind, she decided that just one book wasn’t enough. The one book that brought them together. The one book she wrote to the wrong person, at the right time, for the right reasons.

It was about time for that to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for joining in this crazy journey with me. I get genuinely so happy with every comment you guys leave each chapter and it really lights up my day. I can't believe people like this little story of mine. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and have a great week. I'll see you next weekend!
> 
> (My twitter is @karnscarm in case you want to say hi and if you're shy you can just head to curiouscat.me/clarmilla and send me a message there. I'm nice, I swear!)


	14. (I Wanna Explode) Watch Me, I'm a Lucky Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's LaF's birthday and the gang reunites for some fun. Later that night, Carmilla and Laura show each other the true meaning of "fun"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, lovely people!  
> I'm sorry it took me so long. I must warn you in advance: this chapter contains what we so dearly call smut, so read at your own risk (not in public spaces, I recommend you).   
> Again, didn't have time to do a proofread so there may be some mistakes. 
> 
> Be right back, changing the rating of the fanfic to "E" real quick...

Carmilla groaned for the tenth time after she heard Laura squealing over something she spotted in the window. They had already walked every inch squared of that mall, entirely too overcrowded for Carmilla’s liking. Something inside of her tried to warn her that going to the mall with Laura and Perry, on a Friday, to buy a gift to LaFontaine was definitely not the best idea out there, but when had she ever been able to deny something to any of them?

The dark-haired girl crossed her arms on her chest and rolled her eyes as soon as Laura grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside the store.

“Laura, we’ve been entering stores for two hours. Can we please just go? I highly doubt we’re going to find anything. You have already searched every store in this place. Twice.”

“It’s good to be cautious, Carm. I may have let something pass. What if I didn’t notice that some store had actually something nice for LaF because I was too distracted looking at you?”

“Nice try, cupcake,” Carmilla smiled, trying not to let her weak, butter heart melt too easily. That was exactly what Laura wanted: to distract Carmilla from the fact that she was bored and wanted so desperately to go home. “But did you suddenly forget that Perry is here too? Lauronica Mars and Sherlola Holmes don’t let anything go unseen.”

Perry chuckled lightly as she eavesdropped the whole conversation while looking for something in those shelves at that way-too-LGBTQ-friendly store, with its pride flags spread all over the place in button, fabric, plastic, mug keychain and card form. Not that any of them was complaining though.

“You could _help_ instead of complaining, Karnstein. Another pair of eyes wouldn’t hurt.” Perry asked, clearly bothered and impatient.

Carmilla took a deep breath before she _actually_ started to look for something that the other redhead would enjoy.

“Fine.” She agreed, very unwillingly, as she stared at all those nerdy things on display. “What are we looking for?”

“Anything that screams _‘yay, science!’_ or _‘Cosima is totally a real person and there are legitimately six versions of Tatiana Maslany walking around the city’_ will do.”

“That’s… oddly specific.” Carmilla hummed. “Okay, science thing or lesbian scientist. Can’t really get that wrong.”

“This is insane!” Perry stomped her foot on the floor and pouted like a spoiled child. “Why can’t we find anything? LaF is going to hate me forever.”

“As if they only could.” Laura rolled her eyes trying to contain a laugh.

Perry and LaFontaine were, to say the least, complicated. Since the moment they met, they have been in a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings that both of them still had to sort out. Surprisingly, Carmilla didn’t know much about it. Every time she asked Perry about where they stood, she would say that nothing really happens between them. That, even though the idea of sharing an entire life with them was comforting and something she would totally be up to, she was happy to be doing it the way they were used to, just like that. Nothing more, nothing less. Carmilla truly believed it because Perry smiled every time she mentioned LaFontaine. Even if it was a sincere smile, she wasn’t sure if she saw _that_ kind of love in her eyes. But Carmilla wasn’t one to judge. Whatever Perry wanted to do, she would support her.

“LaF could never be mad at you, Per.” Laura assured. “They couldn’t even be mat at the person who ran them over the other day. They apologized for crossing the road and they were on the crosswalk.” Laura laughed at the memory of Danny texting her that day when it occurred and the scenario her head had created for that situation.

“They really are too precious for this ugly world, aren’t they?” Perry agreed with a smile and a light headshake in disbelief. “But I just want to give them a good gift, that’s all.”

“Uh, Per?” Carmilla called out. “This has nothing to do with chemical elements or lesbian clones, but I have a feeling that they’ll like this thing I found.”

Both Laura and Perry walked towards Carmilla, right across from them. Carmilla pointed to the top shelf with her head to a pillow that, from a distance, had nothing special to it. Just a red heart with a black, weird black background. Laura furrowed her brows at Carmilla, Perry still trying to decipher what she was looking at.

“Guys,” Carmilla sighed before she took her hands out of her leather jacket’s pockets to reach the pillow. Not that she was that much taller than Laura or Perry, but at least the heels on her boots were to some use. “Take a closer look.”

It took a while until Laura and Perry finally understood what was stamped on it, but when they did, a smile grew on both their faces.

“We’re taking it.” Perry said as she took the pillow from Carmilla’s hand, getting an agreement nod from both the girls.

* * *

Laura totally regretted going out with a skirt to the pub that night, even though Carmilla kept rubbing her hand against the length of her thigh in a failed attempt to warm her shivery skin.

“Are they here yet?” Perry asked as she slowed down to park in front of the entrance.

“I don’t know. I don’t see Danny’s car. This one looks like hers, though.” Laura said as she looked around at all the cars parked on that side of the street and most specifically to that black Audi that looked exactly like Danny’s. She shook her head when she didn’t recognize the numbers on the plaque. “Nope, not hers.”

“Of course you know her plaque by heart.” Carmilla rolled her eyes, that distinguished feeling of butterflies and the urge to cry, even though there were no tears to come out or that sting in her eyes, as her mind went a hundred miles per second in doubts, but she totally refused to call that jealousy.

“Someone’s jealous.” Perry mocked as she unbuckled her seatbelt, watching Carmilla’s face turn into a mix of anger and that _‘I’ll kill you in your sleep if you don’t keep your mouth shut’_ look on her face.

“She used to take me to work when it was raining too much or snow storm had attacked the night before. And then there were the sleepovers with LaF and, you know, I used to see her car a lot.” Laura explained with the most genuine smile Carmilla had ever seen, which made her smile so hard her cheeks started to hurt. Not that it helped with that _feeling_ , because if it did anything it worsened it.

Seeing that Carmilla was still pretty unconvinced, Laura pulled her closer, very unexpectedly, by her neck and gave her a gentle kiss. “I love you, you silly jealous thing.”

Carmilla didn’t say anything, but she didn’t need to. That idiotic smile she had on said it all. She pulled Laura closer by raising her face with her finger on her chin and pecked her lips again. The pleasure hum that came out of Laura’s throat reverberated through her lips and onto Carmilla’s, which made the dark-haired girl tremble. The dark-haired girl mouthed an _‘I love you too’_ and immediately watched Laura’s cheek get that pinkish tone.

“If you two lovebirds aren’t too busy, maybe we should get out of the car and get inside.” Perry said with one last look at them through the review mirror before she, very angrily, grabbed her purse from the passenger seat and walked out of the car. Both girls rolled her eyes as they opened the back doors.

“Someone’s angry.” Laura said.

“And nervous.” Carmilla added as she closed her door with a loud thud, Perry anxiously waiting to lock the car.

The streets were busy, as every Friday night downtown. Families with children eating ice cream or way too well dressed to be walking on the streets, families with no children, couples passing by and elderlies enjoying the nice breeze after weeks of snowstorms. Somewhere in the background, you could hear jazz music coming from the lounge bar near, children laughing and glasses tinkling as they collided gently against each other from the balcony of the pub next to the Anglerfish, where a table set for ten people happily talked about something that made some of them laugh.

The low lights did bring a romantic pinch to the air around there. The lampposts seemed to be almost all burned out, but the low, Christmas-y lights hanging outside the Anglerfish were just enough. It was beautiful to Laura’s eyes; even more when they reflected on Carmilla’s side, making her dark brown eyes turn to a color that was almost like honey.

And all of that mixed together, all those happy sounds, beautiful lights and Carmilla brought her safety. Almost like the happy feeling you get when it’s Christmas week and everybody is just so happy and you feel like, even though you may not like Christmas that much, you feel happy and safe and warm and it’s like mother’s love. In a quick movement that passed through Laura’s eyes in slow motion, she grabbed Carmilla’s hand and intertwined their fingers. A cold current ran through her entire body like electricity and her heart raced inside her chest, but this time she wasn’t afraid. She didn’t care if people were looking, if they _could_ look at all. She snuggled up against Carmilla’s side, fitting her arm against Carmilla’s arms and her ribs, allowing their hands to stay together more comfortably as Laura took in Carmilla’s perfume exhaling from her hair. More happiness.

“Are you cold?” Carmilla asked when Laura rested her head against her shoulder for a quick second, right before they walked through the Anglerfish door. They stopped in a corner, didn’t even noticed Perry was already sitting down next to LaFontaine at a table afar. Laura shook her head no before she looked up at the dark-haired girl and smiled weakly, trying to show her that she was okay with that. That she was okay and period. “You don’t… Have to, you know… If you’re not comfortable we don’t have–”

“I want to.” Laura affirmed, as she squeezed Carmilla’s hand a little bit tighter instead of letting it go as Carmilla thought she would want to. “It’s okay, Carm. I’m okay. As long as you are.”

The memory from the last time she was there combined with Carmilla’s memory as written in that letter made Laura even question if she wanted to go to because she knew it would probably be too much for both of them. That feeling she got when the high of dopamine hit her brain when she was with Carmilla and nothing else mattered, just holding hands and giving her kisses on the cheek making all of her pain go away. Until it dropped to zero and it was quickly replaced with the force of glutamate carrying fear and adrenaline directly to the deepest part of her brain, the one she couldn’t control even if she had the power to, when she saw her father’s friend walking towards them and all of her insecurities came crashing again. That very moment when she hurt Carmilla and made her feel like everything they had just wasn’t there.

She wanted so desperately to change that.

“I am, Cupcake. I couldn’t be more okay than right now.” Carmilla smiled sincerely, fighting the urge to connect her lips to Laura’s because she could be okay, but she didn’t know what crossed that line. She decided to leave it up to Laura. Whatever she felt comfortable with, that was it.

“Then I’m okay.” She smiled. “We’re okay.”

“We’re okay.” Carmilla repeated. “Why do I feel like everybody is staring at us?”

“Because we have a very angry Danny and a very impatient LaFontaine staring at us like we’re about to get murdered.” Laura said, still staring at Carmilla’s eyes. “We better go.”

“It was too good to be true.”

“Stop it!”

So they walked towards the table and it was the first time Laura didn’t feel the need to run away.

“What took you so long? Did Carmilla have something on her teeth?” Perry asked, scooching closer to LaFontaine to give Laura and Carmilla enough space so they could sit together on the booth.

“If she did Laura would’ve taken it out with her tongue, not with those heart eyes.” LaFontaine mocked and watched Laura gasp and turn completely red next to Carmilla, who was biting her bottom lip to try to hold back a laugh. LaFontaine burst in laughter. “Sorry, Frosh.”

“Sorry my ass, you’re paying for my part.” Laura snapped jokingly back before she whispered to herself enough that no one else could hear, “even though you’re not wrong.”

Admitting that part of her to herself, _accepting_ it was probably one of the hardest things she ever had to face. Saying it aloud was something she thought she could never do. Even whispering it, like she did, was something extremely hard for her before. She wasn’t ashamed of herself, but those words were just something that were always set as something wrong by everyone around her. Her father, her father’s friends, everybody. _Her father._

Laura didn’t know that she would be, finally, able to realize that everything her father ever taught her was in the most distorted way.

The world wasn’t exactly moved by money and you don’t have to be the best in everything you do. It’s okay to relieve some of the pressure from time to time because you don’t need to be perfect, you don’t need to be a robot like her father always taught her.

Love wasn’t anything like her father had ever shown her. Love didn’t hurt like his did. Love didn’t make you feel like you’re just existing and not really living – like you’re just a burden and not the thing that makes carrying the weight of the world on your back easier.

Laura didn’t know that Carmilla would help her see that. She was completely caught off guard when she didn’t feel anxious or scared to say what she felt to Carmilla when she came back because the mean words that Laura believed that came together with love never came. And now Laura was completely aware that the love she knew was nothing compared to Carmilla’s because her love doesn’t hurt. At least not anymore. Not when they’re together because that’s what’s love is supposed to make you feel. It’s supposed to make you want to be with the person and not run away from them, like she felt with her father. His love words hurt, hers didn’t.

“If you want to go home, just say it, okay? I can take you.” Carmilla whispered in Laura’s ear and the smaller girl hadn’t even noticed she was resting her head on Carmilla’s shoulder, her arm hanging on top of her thigh and her hand rubbing gently the inside part of her thigh, almost reaching her knee.

“Uhm?” Laura sat up straight, her arm still on the same spot.

“You’ve been awfully quiet for the past five minutes. You were staring too much into that one spot, over there,” Carmilla pointed out to a rose on the wallpaper across from the table. “for quite some time. Are you okay, creampuff?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She forced a smile. “Just thinking about some things.”

“Like what?”

“Like how the memory about the last time we were here is something that broke both of our hearts.” Laura said, lowering her gaze to where her body connected with Carmilla’s, her free hand immediately meeting hers. “It wasn’t completely bad, not until…”

“I know.” Carmilla whispered as she put a strand of Laura’ hair behind her ear. “But it’s all in the past now. You’re here, I’m here. _We_ are here, Laur. We can create a new one, a better one.” Laura nodded in agreement. She didn’t want to be feeling like that at all. She just wanted to enjoy everybody’s company and celebrate LaF.

“Thank you for loving me in a way that doesn’t hurt.” Laura said quietly, smiling at Carmilla.

“Thank you for showing me what love is.” Carmilla wanted so bad to kiss Laura, but she remained in place. If Laura was comfortable with that, she’d let her know.

Laura did when she quickly lessened the distance between their lips and pecked Carmilla’s.

“That’s the cutest thing I’ve seen all day!” Kirsch shouted from across the table, catching everybody’s attention. “Why don’t you guys be cute like that all the time?”

“We are, you just don’t see it.” Laura said, rubbing her hand against Carmilla’s leg.

“You know what else is cute?” Carmilla said, taking a sip of her drink. “The thing Perry got LaF for her birthday. Her brain almost melted yesterday.”

“Go on and rat me out, Carmilla.” Perry rolled her eyes, before grabbing her keys. “I’ll get it from the car. I’ll be right back.”

As they all waited for Perry, Danny looked at Laura with fondness. She saw how happy Laura was just to be in Carmilla’s arms again and how comfortable she felt, even though they were in public.

“I really missed seeing you like this, Laur.” She said to Laura, who only noticed Danny was talking to her when she heard her name. “Seeing you this happy, you know? I’m glad Fang Face is back.”

“You should really stop drinking, Xena. Do you hear yourself when you speak?” Carmilla faux snapped, but deep down she was surprised.

“I mean it.” Danny answered, not a single flinch. “I know you don’t like me that much, or at all, but Laura is so happy when she’s with you. If tiny thing over there is happy, so am I.”

“The world is literally about to end.” LaFontaine said, staring at both of them with wide eyes. “Danny and Carmilla _interacting?_ ”

“I can’t believe I lived to see this happening.” Laura mocked, getting one of those reprehensive looks from Carmilla. “What? It’s true. You were jealous of her like ten minutes ago.”

“Jealous? I don’t even know what it is.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Perry suddenly came out of nowhere with a huge squared box wrapped with a bow on top of it. LaFontaine looked at it in confusion, until Perry handed it out to them.

“It took me almost three hours and 99% of Carmilla’s patience to find this but I think it’ll be worth it.” Perry said before she gave LaFontaine a nod.

Everybody was staring at them until they took the pillow from the box. They kept staring at it until they looked up over it.

“Get it?” Perry asked as she scooched closer. “I almost bailed on giving it to you because when Carm found it I fell in love with it, but then I thought it was kind of corny, but…”

Ones and zeros written in black, around a heart shaped made by all the other numbers, from two to nine. LaFontaine’s eyes glowed as she realized what it meant and if they weren’t in public they probably would’ve cried. A lot.

“It’s binary code, ones and zeros.” LaFontaine stated, pointing to the black part. Perry nodded gently, feeling that familiar warmth on her cheeks.

“Except for the heart, which is all the other numbers…” Perry added to the explanation. At that point, they didn’t need to said it aloud to explain anymore because everybody already understood what that meant and had shy smiles on their faces, including Carmilla.

“It’s a non-binary heart.” They smiled at Perry before they pulled her by the neck and pulled her in a hug. “This is amazing, Per. I love it. Thank you so much.”

 “I guess she mentioned _I_ was the one who found it.” Carmilla said, being gently kicked by Laura under the table. “But that’s ok, you can get all the credit, Per. Only this time.”

“That’s very sweet of you, Carmilla! You didn’t need to.” Perry said as sarcastic as she could, rolling her eyes at Carmilla.

“Things I do for love,” Carmilla adjusted her body so Laura could snuggle up against her side as she took a sip of her, now almost warm, drink as they all watched Perry and LaFontaine giggling over something LaFontaine said to her.

Laura looked around, trying to memorize every single bit of that moment. The last time she was there, she had left with a heartache and Carmilla with an open wound. Last time she was there fear took over her completely and she messed up it all and from that moment every single thing became a giant snowball.

This time around she wasn’t afraid. This time she was happily in Carmilla’s arms, just enjoying the moment as if it was the last – only this time she wasn’t leaving Carmilla with unanswered questions or with a heartache; this time Carmilla was the one taking her home and maybe even staying in, if Laura asks very nicely. Something about being away and back after so long, after realizing the roots of her deepest pain made something click inside Laura. As long as she had Carmilla with her, she could do anything.  

A kiss to her temple.

Carmilla’s hand coming to meet Laura’s when she put a strand of her hair behind her ear so it wouldn’t get in the way of her glass every time she tried to drink from it.

Fingers intertwined.

The softness of Carmilla’s lips against her cheek.

The heavenly sound of Carmilla’s laugh and, surprisingly, this time because of something Danny said.

It was two whole hours later when everybody finally stood up to actually go home, differently of all the four times Danny said “I’m leaving” and never did. She had missed this. She had missed her friends and these hangouts because New York can be a room full of people, full of empty people that can make you feel very lonely. Even though she had Will and Brandon and God, how she missed them, she had grown up with those people. Not in the literal form of the word, but maybe _matured_ is the right one. She had moved in with LaFontaine’s help, gone to her first job interview thanks to Danny, who drove her there so she could be in time. She had met Carmilla and they were the first people she told about her.

It was like Christmas, only better.

Better because now she had Carmilla and she wasn’t going to let her go.

* * *

“Carm?”

“Uhm?”

Laura felt the vibration coming from Carmilla’s chest as an answer. After Perry dropped Laura off, the smaller girl very gently begged Carmilla for her to stay over and Carmilla could never deny some alone time with Laura anyways. So, after they had changed clothes, they were just laying down, watching whatever video popped up on Carmilla’s phone.

Laura stood up from her bed where she was laying on Carmilla’s chest and reached, right behind her closet, for her guitar case. Carmilla’s eyes widened when she saw the instrument as Laura took it out from the very dusty black bag.

“Can you play to me?” Laura asked, holding the guitar towards Carmilla.

“I think the question here is _can you_ play the guitar?” Carmilla asked back as she watched Laura sitting back on the bed. “I didn’t know you had that.”

“I most certainly cannot. I tried to learn once, but it’s just not for me. I have very uncoordinated fingers.” Laura said and regretted it as soon as the words came out of her mouth because Carmilla had that smug on her face again. “Not like that, Carm!”

“You make it very hard for me to not joke about it, Cupcake.” Carmilla took the guitar from Laura’s lap and strummed it, only to find it very out of key. “Jesus, how long has this thing been sitting behind your closet? It seems like it hasn’t been tuned in ages.”

“It hasn’t.” Laura sad. “It was my mom’s. I found it on the basement a few years ago and decided to take it. I just changed the cords when I tried to learn, but a D is as far as I can go.”

“A D, huh?” Carmilla raised her eyebrows, Laura just doing to herself alone.

“Carm!”

“Okay, sorry, I will stop. What do you want me to play?”

“The song you wrote for me when I was in New York.”

Carmilla’s body froze.

“How do you know about that?”

“Perry sent it to me.” Laura said quietly. “Don’t be mad at her. It helped me sleep for a whole week.”

Carmilla took a deep breath. That was _not_ how she wanted Laura to find out about that song. But now that she already did, what could she do? She was happy that she knew the song. Happy because maybe that song was her redemption. Redemption because the first one hurt Laura so much that the images of that night still haunted some of Carmilla’s dreams. Knowing that _Hey There Delilah_ helped Laura in anyway, that the song didn’t hurt her like _Never Enough_ did, was comforting and she was truly okay if Laura didn’t get to hear it for the first time from live, flesh and bones Carmilla.

The dark-haired girl cupped Laura’s cheek and pulled her closer for a kiss.

“That’s okay, Creampuff. But you know what? I have a better one in mind.”

Carmilla tuned the guitar four times before it actually held the tuning. She checked the chords to see if she remembered them all and started to strum them. Laura’s eyes kept darting from Carmilla’s fingers dancing freely on the guitar’s arm to her lips as Carmilla sang the beginning beautifully. At first she didn’t recognize the song, but when it get to the chorus something inside Laura turned into fire.

**_You’re only brave in the moonlight So why don’t you stay until sunrise? Your body’s looking good tonight I think we should cross the line Let’s ruin the friendship_ **

CCarmilla looked up from her fingers strumming the cords to Laura, who had her gaze fixed on her lips. Laura felt that pressure on her lower abdomen and her lips getting dry in lust when Carmilla looked right into her eyes as she sang the next part.

**_Do all the things that are on our minds What’s taking us all this time? Let’s ruin the friendship_ **

“Carm, put the guitar down.” Laura asked and suddenly the sound of chords echoing in the room was interrupted.

“Why?” Carmilla asked, still a little bit confused, but she rested the instrument against the wall anyway.

It was only a matter of second until Laura quickly crawled on top of Carmilla’s lap, connecting her lips with hunger as lust took over her body. She felt Carmilla’s hand sliding down her back and stopping right on the bottom of it, where she gave a light squeeze when she felt Laura’s hand running through her hair as the other hand pulled her closer by the neck. She grinned slowly against Carmilla and felt the other girl’s hum reverberate against her lips, only to tighten that feeling on her stomach.

“Laur,” Carmilla said with a certain difficulty when they parted, gasping for air. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she answered, their foreheads resting against each other. “Please, Carm.”

Something about hearing Laura beg made every sensitive spot on her body tingle in lust and craving for Laura’s body. She attacked Laura’s lips against, her tongue brushing against hers and hums mixed as they both groaned in pleasure. Carmilla left Laura’s lips to run down her neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses and a gentle bite on her pulse point that would probably leave a light mark the day after.

Laura felt Carmilla’s hand under her shirt, her nails scratching her ribs lightly making Laura shiver under her touch. Laura grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it out of her body in a single movement as Carmilla’s hand worked on the clasp of Laura’s bra, unclasping it and taking it off her as soon as the piece of fabric covering Laura’s torso disappeared. The sudden contact with air gave Laura goosebumps, but Carmilla’s hand trailing a path from Laura’s back to the side of her breasts was what made Laura’s nipples stiffen.

Carmilla felt Laura groaning when she placed kisses on her sternum, right between her breasts. She couldn’t see Laura perfectly, but she caught with her peripheral vision the moment when Laura threw her head back in pleasure when her lips brushed slightly against her areola.

“Nghm, Carm.” She hummed as she brought her hands to Carmilla’s hair. Carmilla felt Laura’s grip tightening on her hair, trying to move her head to the side. Laura being so desperate and wanting so bad to be in charge gave Carmilla goosebumps, so she let her. Laura pulled Carmilla’s head until her lips were closing against her hard nipple and she groaned in pleasure. “Oh, fuck.”

The stimulation made Laura grin against Carmilla’s lap. Carmilla pinched her free nipple with the other hand before she released Laura’s nipple from her lips with a pop and gave the other one the attention it sought. Carmilla felt Laura’s nails scratching against her shoulder, but she couldn’t even feel the sting. When she felt that the stiffened bud in her mouth was already too sensitive, she flipped Laura onto her back and pinned her hands above her head, placing each leg on each side of Laura’s body.

Carmilla looked at Laura’s body, from head to toe, and bit her lip.

“You’re too overdressed.” Carmilla’s raspy voice dropped an octave and that made Laura’s arousal flood even more on her entrance.

Carmilla released Laura’s wrists and trailed her entire body until her thumbs found the waistband of Laura’s shorts. Carmilla, very teasingly, slid the cotton piece of clothing very slowly down Laura’s semi parted legs, leaving her only in her underwear – a white lacy one that was so entirely soaked it was see-through. Carmilla looked down again and bit her lip, swallowing hard at the view. The dark-haired girl crawled back up on all fours until her lips met with Laura’s again. Carmilla felt Laura shifting slightly under her, Laura’s thighs brushing against the inside of Carmilla’s as Laura parted them further.

As their tongues fought for dominance, Carmilla slid down a hand in between Laura’s legs, hovering her index finger just the slightest against her swollen clit, the wetness she found over the fabric made her own center throb. Carmilla rubbed it very gently once, feeling Laura moaning quietly under her lips.

“Carm,” she mumbled.

“Are you sure about this?” Carmilla asked one more time, just to be sure. Even if Laura’s soaked pussy was enough answer, Carmilla wanted to hear it from her.

“Fuck, Carmilla.” Laura complained, rolling her eyes back with every light movement of Carmilla’s hand. “Put your mouth to better use.”  

Carmilla smiled smugly before she lowered herself on top of Laura’s chest, seeing it rising up and down heavily. She looked straight into Laura’s eyes that were nothing but lust, slowly sliding down towards her throbbing center. Carmilla spread Laura’s legs further apart and brushed her lips against her clit, still covered by that soaked fabric, just to tease, just for fun. Just to hear Laura moaning deliciously under her. When Laura did, Carmilla giggled and hooked her thumbs on the thin waistband of Laura’s underwear, sliding it down very slowly on her thighs. So slowly that you could perfectly see the string of arousal connecting Laura’s entrance to the fabric before Carmilla so impatiently took off of Laura’s body.

“As you please,” was the last thing Carmilla said before she dove her lips on Laura’s clit, making Laura scream in pleasure. Her thighs almost shut involuntarily, but Carmilla’s hand held them in place as her tongue worked on it, tracing patterns and going all the directions.

“Fuck, Carm.” Laura moaned again, this time her hands met with Carmilla’s hair, holding her head in place. She was afraid that if Carmilla stopped her lungs would literally collapse because her heart was already beating extremely hard and every time Carmilla flickered her clit with the tip of her tongue, she felt her arousal pooling around her entrance again.

That was Carmilla’s cue. She released Laura’s clit for a brief moment, only to slip one finger inside her. Laura was so wet that she barely felt it.

“More.” She hummed. “Two, Carmilla.”

Carmilla did as Laura asked and slipped two fingers inside Laura’s drenched pussy, only to feel her walls immediately tighten around her fingers with the sudden touch. Carmilla lapped at her clit very slowly as her fingers pumped in and out, when she felt Laura’s walls clench around her fingers, making it even hard for her to move.

“Please, don’t stop.” Laura begged, her fingers gripping her hair harder.

Carmilla sucked on her clit with more intensity now, curving her fingers on the right spot inside Laura because Carmilla felt Laura’s legs trembling.

“Fuck, Carmilla. Fuck. **_Fuck._** ” Laura moaned and this time she didn’t bother to stay quiet, feeling her orgasm hit her with its full force. Her legs closed around Carmilla’s head and she threw her head back in pleasure. Carmilla didn’t stop licking the length of her pussy until all of her arousal was on her lips and not on Laura anymore.

Laura was breathing heavily, still trying to recover from her climax, when Carmilla crawled back up and kissed her. Seeing Carmilla with her arousal all over her lips and chin was heavenly, but _tasting_ herself on her lips were really something else.  

“Now you’re the one who’s wearing way too many clothes.” Laura breathed and smirked at Carmilla, kissing her ferociously and liking all of her from her lips.

She quickly grabbed the hem of Carmilla’s t-shirt and pulled it out, tossing it somewhere in the room and mentally thanked that Carmilla didn’t bother to put on shorts. Laura sat on the bed, Carmilla sitting on her legs just watching Laura’s naked and pinky body moving to push Carmilla on the mattress – on all fours. Laura kneeled behind Carmilla and kissed her neck, left a bite on Carmilla’s shoulder and felt the dark-haired girl trembling under her. With her index finger, Laura pushed Carmilla’s torso against the mattress in a way that she was facing down, but her ass was up and fully on display for Laura. Laura licked her lips and bit her bottom lip when she spotted Carmilla’s pussy peeking out from between her legs, her red underwear completely ruined.

“Oh, Carm, you’re so wet,” Laura slid two fingers over Carmilla’s cunt, seeing her trembling at the touch. Laura spread Carmilla’s legs apart gently and the image of Carmilla sliding open for her made her very sensitive clit throb again. “Now that’s better.”

She quickly discarded Carmilla’s underwear and slid two fingers along the length of her pussy, but didn’t dare to touch Carmilla where she needed her the most.

“Laura,” Carmilla groaned. She lifted her head only to support it with her crossed arms. “Please.”

“Are you in a hurry, Carm?” Laura said as she positioned herself between Carmilla’s thighs, the scent of her arousal filling Laura’s nostrils.

“Laura, stop fucking teasing me.”

“You’re dripping wet, Carm.” Laura lip her fingers, coated in Carmilla’s arousal. She knew the dark-haired girl couldn’t see her, so she just hummed in pleasure. “You taste so good.”

Carmilla moaned very loudly, the muscles on her thighs shaking even more. Laura saw a drip of Carmilla’s arousal sliding down her thigh, so she wiped it away with her finger and licked it clean again.

“Enough of tasting you on my fingers.”

Carmilla almost lost the strength on her knees when she felt Laura’s warm tongue sliding against her entrance. She moaned in pleasure as Laura licked her clean, so very carefully not to touch her clit, not yet. Laura changed her tongue with her fingers and slid two inside Carmilla so easily as the dark-haired girl slammed her body against Laura’s hand, craving more contact and trying to get some friction on her clit.

“Laura, please. _Fuck._ ” She begged, slamming her bare pussy against Laura’s fingers, forcing them to pump inside her harder.

“Where do you want me, Carm?”

“You know where.” She groaned when Laura curved her fingers inside her. “Fuck, Laura. Harder. On my clit.”

Carmilla’s felt the strength on her knees slowly fading away when Laura wrapped her lips around her clit, sucking on it very slowly before she released it with a loud smack, only to come back with her tongue. Laura was eating her soaked pussy out as if her life depended on it. When she felt her walls start to clench around nothing, she moaned again.

“Laura. Inside.” She begged once again, but this time Laura promptly attended.

Laura’s index and middle finger slid easily in and out of Carmilla as her walls started to clench hard on them, Carmilla’s pants being music to Laura’s ears.

Carmilla’s orgasms exploded and her body fell on the bed, her legs spread almost flat, but enough for Laura to see that arousal pooling one last time on her entrance. She kissed Carmilla’s entrance before she licked it all clean, flipping Carmilla on her back only to crawl on top of her and kiss her, making her taste herself on Laura’s lips.

“Oh, my God.” Carmilla panted, trying to even her breath. Laura laid against Carmilla’s side, pulling up a sheet to cover their naked, sweaty bodies. “I think you broke me.”

“Oh, it was barely a nip.” Laura said, placing her head right on top of Carmilla’s beating heart.

“Oh, really? Maybe someday you can show me the whole act.”

“Someday?” Laura asked, supporting the weight of her torso on her elbow. She kissed Carmilla’s around Carmilla’s nipple, feeling the bud hardening under the touch. “We still have all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first time writing smut, so please be nice hahaha  
> Well, I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you next week!  
> If you wanna talk to me, my twitter is @karnscarm and, if you're shy, my curiouscat is curiouscat.me/clarmilla  
> Bye bye guys, thank you for readingggg!


	15. Just Look and You'll See That I'll Be Your Remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected words and meetings happen and maybe it was all too much - until they decided it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people! How are you all?  
> I know I wasn't here last week, but things weren't really good and I needed some space.  
> The summary of today's chapter doesn't say much, but I want you all to just feel it. Because I'm all about the feelings.  
> Let me know if there are any grammatical mistakes because I didn't proofread this one (because I'm lazy).

The left side of Laura’s bed wasn’t usually – not anymore – that cold. Her naked body under the mess of white sheets was trembling with the lack of human warmth. Laura slowly opened her eyes to find that side of the bed, which was now Carmilla’s favorite side to sleep in, empty. Laura rolled from one side to the other and, very sleepily, closed her eyes for a second before she opened them again, looking for those dark strands of wavy hair. Carmilla wasn’t anywhere near sight, which made Laura’s heart race inside her chest. _She couldn’t have left, could she?_ Laura thought. She sat on her bed, pulling the sheets up to her chest to cover it from the chilly breeze, looking for her t-shirt that had been tossed somewhere in her bedroom, still in the dark. After her eyes adjusted to the lack of light inside the room, she found her t-shirt and quickly grabbed it to put it on before she left the room.

Laura smiled at the sight of low lights coming from her living room because, if it was of any indication, that meant she’d find Carmilla asleep on the couch with a book opened in hands. Her eyebrows knit together and her lips tugged up into a confused but amused smile when she spotted Carmilla, pretty much awake, with a notebook and a pen – _her_ double ended pink and purple pen – in hands, the pen dancing slowly but yet beautifully on the blank page. Her favorite t-shirt looked even better on Carmilla.

“Carm?” She called out. Carmilla didn’t even flinch and finished writing whatever word it was before she looked up to smile at Laura. “What are you doing up?”

“Even though having your body wrapped in mine makes it easier, I couldn’t sleep.” Carmilla put the pen on top of the notebook and held both of them with one hand, her now free arm stretched and making space for Laura to snuggle onto her side. She placed a kiss on Laura’s temple before she asked, “What are _you_ doing up?”

“Your side of the bed was cold.” Laura smiled gently and Carmilla’s heart stopped for a second.

_Your side of the bed._

She could’ve said _“the other side of the bed”_ or literally anything else, but she said _your_ side. It was Laura’s bed and yet she said it was Carmilla’s in the most natural way. For anybody else it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. It was just a piece of mattress, totally meaningless.

Except it wasn’t. Not for them. Not for Carmilla.

“I was afraid you had left.” Her tone dropped and saddened and Carmilla could almost feel Laura’s insecurity and the last thing Carmilla wanted was to make Laura question anything or to make Laura question if she could trust Carmilla or not. Not again.

“Laur, I told you I’m not going anywhere.” Carmilla reassured and Laura let out a heavy sigh that she didn’t realize she was holding in until now. “Unless you want me to.”

Laura felt something inside her burn with the thought of Carmilla even wondering that it was actually something Laura would want and it only got worse when she saw the doubt and the insecurity grow on Carmilla’s expression – her eyes dropped to stare at her own lap, at her fidgety fingers.

“Even if the whole world burns,” Laura raised a hand to cup Carmilla’s face. “I won’t lose you again.”

Carmilla smiled and the smaller girl saw relief in her eyes again. She sighed and smiled back.

“That’s quite some time to put up with me.” Carmilla said.

“And it still won’t be enough.” Laura replied and left Carmilla, a writer with so much to say, speechless. Instead of words, she kissed Laura and felt her lips smiling against hers mid-kiss. “So, do you want to tell me what it is that you’re writing at…” Laura paused and squinted her eyes at the clock on the wall. “2:15 AM that’s so important you couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

“When you were in New York I used to sit down and write you letters usually at this time, always in the middle of the night.” Carmilla shrugged as she watched Laura’s gaze stuck on her. “By now it’s almost biological clock. Today was a little bit different, though.”

Laura raised her eyebrows. “Different how? Good or bad?”

“Good.” Carmilla assured with a smile, getting one right back from Laura.

Carmilla flipped the pages back to the first page. Laura held the notebook open as she read some bits of it, trying to understand its content.

At first, she thought it was poetry. She caught some glimpses of the dark, deep paragraphs and strophes with beautiful, long, complex words that only Carmilla could put together and turn it into something _that_ beautiful.

“Are you writing again?” Laura asked. Carmilla nodded. “Poetry?”

Carmilla shook her head and opened the notebook in one specific page, where Laura spotted some familiar names and, even though it was only one page, a story way too familiar to be newly written poems.

“Is it the second book to _The Scars She Gave Me_?”

Carmilla nodded and chuckled lightly, nervously. “Casey will be making a return.”

“What about Natalie?” Laura asked and Carmilla could feel something different in her tone, but she couldn’t quite figure out what it was yet. “Will she be back too? I mean, she totally broke Casey to pieces and she left, but I always had a feeling she would—“

“No Natalie in this one. She hurt Casey too much. There’s no space for her in Casey’s life anymore.”

Carmilla almost felt her hand trembling until she noticed it didn’t. That tremble on her hand that only came attached to Ell’s name or a memory that had her in it was gone. She kept waiting for it but it never came. Even though they were talking about Natalie and not Ell, Natalie _was_ Ell. Carmilla had written her in total Ell form. Physical and emotionally, that character was Carmilla’s deepest wounds of a memory of someone, a wound that was no longer there – only its scar. Someone that hurt her so bad that her neurons had memorized a muscle spasm exclusively for _that_ name.

And now it was finally gone.

Laura had erased every bad part. She had healed every bit of Carmilla.

“There’s a new character. She’s the one who inspired the name of the book.”

“And what is it going to be?” Laura asked before a yawn made her eyes water. “The name, I mean?”

Carmilla chuckled and put the notebook and pen on the center table before she stood up, holding a hand out to Laura.

“Let’s go to bed, Cupcake.  We have plenty of time for that.”

Laura very sleepily agreed, allowing Carmilla to guide them back to the bedroom.

Deep down Carmilla knew that Laura was fully aware that she was the new character and, even though she knew, the dark-haired girl was happy that she could present it to Laura differently than just saying _‘hey, you inspired that character’_ because it was so much more deeper than that. It wasn’t just an inspiration.

That second book was going to be the thing helping her to cope with the ghost of her past and the consequences of her present and everything she wanted for her future – her future alongside Laura. That book was going to answer so many questions and finally put an end to every bad memory she still had left that made her this mess and that made _love_ be a hard word for Carmilla to write.

Ironically, love was the word Carmilla was scared to use the most. Something about it never felt quite right. She knew what love was, but only in its pain form and love shouldn’t be like that. Love wasn’t about being one-sided. And that was until she met Laura.

As soon as her eyes met with Laura’s, everything seemed to turn into a rainbow and happy colors. There was something about Laura that lighted up every single light in the room, and it was enough to make all the Times Square led lights jealous. It wasn’t easy, it _hadn’t_ been easy, but now Carmilla so happily wrote about love and that was thankfully to Laura. Before, love was just a painful memory and an even more painful word but now it was the thing healing her. Just like Laura healed every piece of her. Just like Laura inspired the next book and its name couldn’t be more dedicated to her.

_The Scars She Loved Away._

Laura had loved all of her scars, all of her broken parts and wounds that Ell had caused away. Laura didn’t care how broken Carmilla was because she was a little broken, too. And whoever said that one broken thing can’t love another is just a liar full of bullshit because yes, one broken thing can love and _heal_ another broken thing. It can mend all the pieces, that were once very put together and then shattered again – until  a broken thing came and with its pure love and nothing but love, mended it back together. Healed it all together.

And maybe that’s the beauty in all of that. At least that’s what Carmilla liked to think about.

Maybe she was right.

Watching Laura waiting for her to go back to bed, curling her body just enough for Carmilla to fit perfectly against her body, clicked it for her. Carmilla was trying her best to heal Laura too. She knew there was a long way because, with Laura, it went so much deeper than just broken pieces caused by a broken heart, and Carmilla was willing to do whatever she could to help Laura heal too. Carmilla really hoped one day she could do to Laura everything the smaller one did to her as well.

Little did she know how many of Laura’s parts had already stopped hurting because of her.

Little did they both know how their broken parts fit together perfectly into one.

And _that_ was the beauty in all of that.

* * *

Laura had no idea that the calm, the peace of mind she was in would end three days later, when she met her father at the grocery store.

Her fridge had been almost empty for almost a week. Of course Carmilla had, somehow, convinced Laura that peanut butter, apples and grape soda didn’t belong in the healthy pyramid or whatever and made the smaller one get out of the house to go get some real food.

So there they were, walking through the isles with a cart half full of things Laura didn’t even like, that Carmilla was just shoving into it. The hazel-haired girl knew there was no pointing in fighting her on that because she wasn’t that wrong. Some beets to help her iron levels weren’t all that bad anyway.

“Laur, do you like these?” Carmilla asked as she grabbed a bag of white cheese as she read the label on it.

“No,” She answered without even looking at Carmilla, her attention fully on the freezer next to her that had chicken nuggets and frozen French Fries in it.

“Laura!” Carmilla whined, putting the jar in the cart. “Why are you such a child?!”

“Excuse me, I am not a child and it’s very weird of you to stay that when we have done, uh, _things._ ” Laura said, whispering the last part. Carmilla watched as her face gained that light pinkish tone in a blush form.

“The fact that you can’t say sex out loud and yet can fuck me like a Russian whore amazes me.” Carmilla whispered in her ear, making Laura have goosebumps spreading all over her body. Seeing the effect she had on her, Carmilla giggled before she placed a kiss on Laura’s cheek. “That looks good. Come on, Laur. You need the vitamins, especially when you’re wearing yourself out at work.”

Laura sighed because she knew it was true. Since she came back and started working, her job seemed to get twice as hard, three times more exhausting than it was before and she was always so tired, even though she, most of the times, got more than eight hours of sleep. Carmilla had already pointed out that her iron levels were probably very low and that’s why she was so tired all the time, but Laura refused to accept that her childish palate were getting in the way of her health.

“If it’s disgusting you’re eating the whole thing by yourself.” Laura answered, getting a clear eye roll from Carmilla.

“It’s good.” Laura heard an angelic, very quiet voice echoing. One that wasn’t Carmilla’s and the owner of it wasn’t near sight. At least not on eye-level.

 She looked down in the direction of the sound and spotted a little girl, who couldn’t be a day over four. Her black, heavy, curly strands were falling lightly on her shoulders and her dark brown eyes seemed way too familiar to Laura. She felt as if she had seen that girl before, but she couldn’t quite remember where.

And then the memory of her first week in New York came to her mind. That cold night that she saw a woman who looked like Carmilla and made her heart jump harder in her chest. The little girl looked exactly like her daughter. The sad memory quickly faded away as she noticed Carmilla bending down to be on the same eye-level with the girl. 

“My mom always says that if I eat all of my cheese in the morning I’ll be just as strong as Captain Marvel!” She said excitingly, flexing her biceps to try and mimic some super strength. Laura smiled involuntarily as she watched the little girl talk.

“And your mom is right! I can see you’re super strong already! This lady right here is having some trouble eating healthy food, so I’m trying to make her eat at least the cheese.” Carmilla said, shifting to a complete different universe where she has at least three kids, or babysits three, because her entire aura changed and her eyes seemed to glow just as much as they did whenever Carmilla saw Laura.

The hazel-haired girl watched the scene in awe and she thought she couldn’t fall more in love with Carmilla until she saw her with kids. Almost immediately, Laura’s mind took her back to that day at the supermarket, back when she was still in New York and spotted a random woman who just looked like Carmilla. Just a memory.

“Young lady, you need to eat your cheese.” She pointed to Laura, one hand on her waist like a little bossy girl. She pointed to Carmilla before she said, “Listen to this lady. What’s your name?”

“I’m Laura.”

“And yours?” The little girl turned to Carmilla.

“My name is Carmilla. What’s your name, little kid?”

Before the girl could answer, someone called out her name and Carmilla noticed it was really her because as soon as she heard the voice calling out, she turned her head in its direction.

“Maeve! Leave the ladies alone.” A woman approached them, pushing the cart full of yogurts and all kinds of kids’ food in it. The resemblance was clearly there, with how their hair and their features were just the same. “I’m so sorry. She likes to talk… A lot. I was just getting her yogurt and in a blink of an eye, I lost sight of her. I hope she didn’t say anything she shouldn’t have.”

“Oh, no, no need to apologize at all. She is a sweetheart.” Laura assured and saw the girl’s mother smiling lightly at her and then at the girl.

“I was helping this lady,” She pointed to Carmilla again and then back to Laura. “Make this lady eat cheese because she said she doesn’t like to eat healthy things and you told me that if I eat all of my cheese I’ll be super strong, right?”

“And your broccoli, and your carrots…” Her mother counted out.

“You need to eat broccoli and carrots too! Did you get carrots and broccoli for her?” Maeve asked Carmilla now, who was smiling from ear to ear watching the girl interact that much with them so excitedly.

“I got the broccoli, but I seem to have missed the carrot section.”

“Oh, no! You should get it for her because I don’t think she will buy it.”

“I will do, then.” Carmilla smiled at the girl, who smiled back.

“And we seem to have missed the milk section and it’s the only thing left for us to buy. We need to go, baby girl. Your mother is waiting in the car.”

“Oh, okay. Bye Carmilla, bye Laura! It was nice to meet you.” Maeve waved goodbye as she hoped on the cart seat again with the help of her mother. “Laura, eat your vegetables. Carmilla, make her eat her vegetables.”

“You got it, kid! You listen to your mother and eat your vegetables too.” Carmilla reassured and watched Maeve nod frantically.

“And the cheese!”

“And the cheese!”

“Bye, guys. Nice to meet you.” Maeve’s mother said before she gave them a gentle smile and pushed the cart away with Maeve, only to disappear somewhere in between the isles after Laura and Carmilla said “bye” in a unison.

“See, Laura?” Carmilla said. “Even a four year-old kid knows that you need to eat your vegetables.”

“Oh, shut it.” Laura rolled her eyes and pushed the cart away. Carmilla shook her head and followed the smaller girl.

Laura just wanted to get some carrots. Three carrots, inside the plastic bag, get in line, pay and go home. That was what she intended to do before she spotted her father next to the huge section of vegetables, her eyes meeting his before she could pretend she didn’t see him and run away.

Too late.

He was already waving at her and walking towards both of them and Laura didn’t notice she was still holding Carmilla’s hand until the dark-haired girl let go of her hand gently. In a moment of courage, Laura sneakily grabbed her hand again, keeping their intertwined fingers close to her leg.

“Hey, Laura. Long time, no see.” He said, wearing a gentle smile. Carmilla watched from a safe distance, without saying a word. She expected him to get closer and pull Laura in for a hug, but it never came. Carmilla could see how Laura didn’t even expected it because she didn’t move when she answered him back.

“Hi, dad. Yeah, it’s been a while.” She smiled. Carmilla tried to look for fear, or pain or anything in her eyes but they didn’t tell her anything. “How’s work?”

“It’s been pretty great, the usual. And yours?”

“It’s great. I’ve been working a lot, you know.” Laura let go of Carmilla’s hand in an involuntarily movement as she brought her hand up to get some hair out of her eyes. “By the way, dad, this is Carmilla.”

“I don’t think I’ve met you before. Pleasure to meet you, Carmilla.” He held a hand out to her and Carmilla shook it in the most polite gesture. The dark-haired girl noticed how he look at them, shifting his gaze from Laura to Carmilla with a very suspicious look on his face, as if he knew something was up.

“Pleasure is all mine, sir.” Carmilla answered, but she was totally lying.

Putting a face to the thing that made Laura suffer for all those years was something she was not expecting to do anytime soon. She wasn’t pleased to meet him. He was very polite to her and that she couldn’t deny, but the things he said to Laura was just monstrous and she couldn’t quite be okay with the fact that she was facing Laura’s biggest trauma.

His phone rang in his pocket and he broke the eye contact with both of them to pick it up as he held one finger as in excusing himself to get the call. Carmilla looked at Laura and she saw a mix of fear and also relief in her features. She could almost hear her heart racing.

“I’m okay,” Laura mouthed and Carmilla let out a relieved sigh she didn’t even realized she was holding until her chest burned with the sensation of oxygen getting into her lungs again.

The call didn’t even last even thirty seconds until he shoved the phone in his pocket again and turned to Laura.

“Well, I need to go. Work calls. Literally.” He said with a light chuckle. Laura chuckled at his response to his own joke and nodded lightly. “I’ll see you around, Laura. Again, nice to meet you, Carmilla.”

“Equally.” Carmilla answered.

“See you, dad.”

Laura watched her father walking away and she wasn’t sure what she was feeling. Was she relieved? Was she scared? Was she _not_ scared anymore of him? She stopped for a second to try and feel her extremities and her hands were steady. Her heart was racing in her chest, but deep breaths were working in order to calm it down, something that has never quite worked before. The burning sensation in the back of her eyes were there, but the tears were dry.

Maybe she had overcome this. Maybe she was finally getting over all the things her father did to her.

Or maybe it was just Carmilla.

Feeling the warmth of Carmilla’s body that close to her, her hand holding hers the entire time and just letting go when Laura wanted to. Maybe Laura just needed a little bit of courage and Carmilla gave her just that. Comforted her enough to feel brave.

Carmilla looked around and saw Laura’s dad walking out of the door towards the parking lot, far enough that he wouldn’t see and let alone hear them anymore.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Carmilla asked one more time, bringing a hand to cup Laura’s cheek. Her thumb caressed the soft and warm skin of Laura’s face gently.

“Yes, Carm. I’m fine. Don’t worry.” She smiled and placed a strand of Carmilla’s hair behind her ear before she pecked her lips gently.

Laura kissed Carmilla.

In the middle of the supermarket.

Carmilla’s heart raced inside her chest because Carmilla knew how hard it was for Laura to even hold her hand in public. How frightened she was last time and how, almost a year ago, she panicked because she heard a branch cracking somewhere in the distance at that park. And now it was Laura who just leaned in and connected their lips, in the most natural movement. No fear, no panic.

“I love you.” Carmilla said as she felt a smile growing on her face.

“I love you, too.” Laura answered, her head tilted just the slightest to the side as her smile grew and her cheeks got that blush again.

“Carrots and chocolate?” Carmilla asked, looking back at the cart and then to Laura, who put on that whiny face and rolled her eyes like a child.

“No! I thought you had already forgotten about that. Let’s just skip the carrots and get the chocolate.”

“My vitamins are all okay and up to date for me to forget things this easily, cutie. Yours, in the other hand…”

“Oh, don’t come using my lack of B12 against me, okay?” Laura snapped, hitting Carmilla’s arm playfully as she pushed the cart towards the sweets section.

“Laura…” Carmilla reprehended, getting a _humpf_ from Laura before she turned back to the vegetables section and watched Laura grabbing, very angrily, a plastic bag before she reached for the carrots. “Now we’re talking.”

* * *

All the beer bottles were properly packed inside plastic bags and ready to be picked up by the recycling truck the next morning. Perry and LaFontaine had taken the leftover Mexican food and some slices of pizza were inside the fridge because Laura just knew Carmilla would want to eat them for breakfast the next morning. Carmilla had done the dishes and, for Laura’s happiness, she managed to keep them all in one piece and not in shattered pieces of glass. Laura had cleaned the floor and it was all clean, if not cleaner, then before. After what seemed like six hours of a hangout with Danny, LaFontaine and Perry, Carmilla finally turned off the kitchen’s light to head out to the living room, where Laura’s couch had turned into a couch-bed kind of thing. The hazel-haired girl was already curled up in a blanket, watching a random channel on the TV while she waited for Carmilla.

“What are we watching, cutie?” Carmilla asked before she sat on the couch, her body already positioning in a way that Laura’s body fit perfectly. “By the way, isn’t it a little too late? You have work tomorrow.”

“And so do you.”

“Yeah, but mine doesn’t start until 8 at night. Yours is pretty early in the morning.” Carmilla’s hand came to meet Laura’s hair, her fingers dancing in the middle of the hazel strands.

“That’s what coffee is for.” Laura said as if it was obvious and Carmilla chuckled.

“Okay, sweetheart. Whatever you say.” Carmilla placed a kiss on top of Laura’s head before she actually turned to pay attention to what was on the screen, only to crinkle up her nose in disappointment. “You’re not making me watch Twilight, are you?”

“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you don’t love a good old vampire romance.”

“That one I surely don’t. He sparkles in the sun. He. Literally. Sparkles.”

“He doesn’t go out in the sun much to be tanned enough not to, Carm.” Laura tried to give a reasonable explanation to that, but she surely failed. “And neither do you.”

Carmilla rose her brows to her hairline in a shocked expression.

“Excuse me, I’m sufficiently tanned to not sparkle under the sun light.”

“I can see all your veins perfectly and we’re in the dark.”

“You just have very good vision! Can we just pick another movie already or are you going to keep comparing me to a very crappy vampire?”

“You did manage to keep all the dishes in one piece today, so you deserve the remote tonight.” Laura said, reaching for the remote under the blankets to hand to Carmilla. “Have fun.”

“Oh, how are you so kind.” Carmilla said as she took the remote from Laura’s hand to switch the channels.

“But…” Laura started and Carmilla already knew what was to come.

“Oh, boy, here we go…”

“Can we watch Gilmore Girls?” Both said in unison and Laura smiled. Carmilla really knew her that well.

“Where is the DVD box again?” Carmilla asked, standing up very against her will, as she walked towards Laura’s bedroom.

“In your side of the closet, on the top shelf.” She heard Laura speaking louder so Carmilla could hear her, but that only made the dark-haired girl freeze in place.

_In your side of the closet._

Carmilla’s didn’t feel like it was her side of the closet. It was Laura’s closet and that was it. She only had three drawers and lots of hangers with some t-shirts and some jeans and… _Fuck, she had a side in Laura’s closet._

Now that Carmilla stopped to think about it, she had a toothbrush in the bathroom. Her notebook was already in Laura’s nightstand and her guitar was placed right next to Laura’s behind her closet.

_Your side of the bed. Your side of the closet._

After thinking she had lost Laura for good, the smaller one was adding Carmilla to every bit of her life. She had a side on Laura’s bed and three drawers and a toothbrush in the bathroom. And now that she stopped to think about it, there wasn’t many of her clothes at her place. The majority of her outfits were hanging in those hangers in Laura’s – hers – closet.

She opened the wooden door and reached for the top shelf, only to meet a cold paper box with DVDs in it. When she got back to the living room, she found Laura laughing at her phone and some noises coming from it.

“Cat videos again, cupcake?”

 _The pastry names are even more frequent in person. Holy shit._ Carmilla heard a masculine voice coming from the phone and frowned before she laid back down next to Laura.

“Hi, Will. And yes, the pastry names are even more frequent in person. Laura doesn’t seem to mind, though.”

_Because just like the pastries, you eat her._

Laura almost chocked in her own saliva before she heard Carmilla and Will burst out in laughter.

“Will!” Laura whined.

“You’re so my kind of dude, dude.” Carmilla said, watching Laura’s face turn into a tomato. She giggled before she leaned down and kissed Laura’s forehead.

_It’s not like I’m wrong or anything._

“You’re definitely not,” Carmilla said and even though Laura wasn’t looking at her, she was sure she was smirking because that was just Carmilla. She just couldn’t keep it in her pants.

“Okay, enough about that. Tell Brandon I said hi, okay? Carm and I are about to start a binge watch of Gilmore Girls.” Laura said way too excited, like a kid getting the toy they wanted for Christmas.

_You convinced her to watch it with you? I’m impressed with your skills, Hollis._

“I didn’t need to do much convincing, she just secretly loves it.” Laura said braggingly as she looked up at Carmilla, who just rolled her eyes.

“I hate to admit, but she’s right. Just because Lauren Graham is hot.”

“She loves Lorelai. She won’t admit it, but she does. Because she’s just like her.”

_Moody as such. Well, it was nice talking to you for a total of 21 seconds before your girlfriend stormed in and I lost you again._

Carmilla flinched under Laura for a second and her heart went crazy inside her chest as her eyes widened as she had just seen a ghost. Even though she knew they were _something,_ they never really put a label on it and hearing the g word was different. She didn’t know if Laura was okay with that or if she wanted to put a label on them.

“Uh---“ Carmilla tried to speak, but she was cut off by Laura.

“As if you weren’t always choosing Brandon over me.”

_Duh!_

“Exactly, _duh._ ” Laura mimicked Brandon’s voice. “Now, if you want to keep this video call going as I make out with Carm, be my guest.”

_Uh, I didn’t know you were into voyeurism, Laur._

“She’s obviously joking, you dummy.” Carmilla rolled her eyes and tried really hard not to laugh. She had a reputation to maintain, God dammit. “Bye, Will.”

Carmilla ended the call and walked towards the TV to put the DVD inside the DVD player as quickly as she could. As she laid down on the couch again, she saw a notification pop on Laura’s phone.

**_Will: Tell that girlfriend of yours she is very rude._ **

“Carm, Will asked me to say that you—“

“I’m very rude. Yes, I’m aware. I can read, cupcake.”

As Laura quickly typed some answer to Will, Carmilla’s mind was going a thousand miles per hour. She wanted to bring out the question about where they were standing, but she didn’t want to pressure Laura. She was fine with how things were. She was fine with three drawers and a lot of hangers in Laura’s closet.

“Uh, Laur?”

“Hm?” Laura hummed and looked up, moving her head just a bit so she could see Carmilla through her eyelashes.

“Uh, I want to ask you something but you have to promise me that if you don’t feel comfortable you will tell me.”

Laura’s brows knitted together and she pulled up her body on her elbows before she fully sat on the couch, staring at Carmilla.

“Okay. I promise.”

“Earlier you said ‘in your side of the closet’. A few days ago you said that you couldn’t sleep because ‘my side of the bed’ was cold.” Carmilla remembered and her lips turned into a smile again.

Carmilla saw Laura’s eyes getting clearer and Carmilla knew that it was a signal that she was about to start crying. At that moment, Carmilla hated herself for even starting that subject.

_I really should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut._

“Did I make you uncomfortable? Because if I did I can just stop. It’s just that I got so used to you sleeping next to me that it’s _your_ side of the bed and, well, all of your clothes are in that side of the closet so it’s _your_ side but if you don’t want me to—“

Laura started rambling and at some point Carmilla thought she heard her voice cracking, but Laura’s eyes were dry. She sighed relieved.

“Laura, breathe.” Carmilla reached out for both Laura’s arms, rubbing her palms against it. “It’s okay. I just wanted to know where we’re standing. I mean, with everything that’s happening with us since you went away and came back, we never really… Uh…”

“I get it. I just think that with everything we just really didn’t care about labels, if that’s what you’re taking about.” Laura said, imposing it as a question. Carmilla nodded. “Carm, I really don’t care about labels. All I know is that we have something good, something special. Something that really makes me feel alive and really, _really_ happy and that’s fine with me. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it, too.”

“This is really scary,” Carmilla admitted, her eyes immediately dropping to her hands on her crossed legs. “You know? And I don’t mean it bad, it’s just that… I’m afraid I’ll say something and you will feel pressured and run away. And that hurts, Laur. It fucking hurts because I can’t lose you again. I just can’t. I’m sorry I asked, I really shouldn’t have.”

“Carm, listen to me. It’s okay. I kind of wanted to ask you the same, but I was afraid I was going to hurt you again. I thought you’d think that I still have doubts about us, which I don’t. But, you know, today with my father… I didn’t want to say ‘friend’ because, you know, we’re _obviously_ more than that, but I also didn’t know how else to present you. I didn’t know if you’d feel comfortable with me calling you my, uh… And I don’t know if I could have done it, too.”

“You could never hurt me, Laur. Don’t you get that? Never.” Carmilla put a strand of Laura’s hair behind her ear before she spoke again. “I just want you to do whatever feels comfortable for you. Whatever works for you, works for me.”

“How is that fair that you’re always putting me first?”

“Because if you’re happy, then I am. I just want to make you happy, Laur.”

“Would it make you happy if I was your girlfriend?” Laura asked and she felt her entire body being filled with joy, her blood was pure adrenaline and she felt like she had drank too much coffee because her heart was about to jump out of her chest.

They had gone through a lot. They had gone through heartbreaks, distance and all that shit that only happens at once in movies. Laura came back because she couldn’t deal with the fact that she had something amazing in Toronto and she left it all behind because someone else wanted her to. Because she wanted someone else to be proud of her when the only person she needed to be proud of her was herself.

Leaving Carmilla behind was the worst thing she could’ve done, but she had grown a lot in New York. She had learned to be herself, to be the best version of herself that she could be and everything would be fine. That no matter how good you are at something, you’ll never get to please everybody. She could be the greatest lawyer in town, her father still would want more from her, so much more than she could give him.

Carmilla showed her that she _is_ the best version of herself. She’s right where she’s supposed to be and that she’s enough. She is enough. Carmilla said she was proud of her. Even if she was so far away after having broken Carmilla’s heart not once, but twice, she was still proud of Laura and that meant so much more than Carmilla could ever imagine.

Laura didn’t know much about life, but she knew she wanted Carmilla. Carmilla was her safe haven. Carmilla was love – the kind of love she always dreamed of, the one that doesn’t hurt. Carmilla was… Carmilla.

And she wanted to make sure she knew that. She wanted to make sure that Carmilla knew she was proud of her, too. Laura wanted her to know that her heart belonged to her and nobody else.

“Immensely.” Carmilla answered smiling.

“Do you _want_ to be my girlfriend? Officially speaking?” Laura just blurted it out and she went dizzy because she didn’t know what Carmilla was going to answer and that was too much.

 “Do I really need to answer this one? Yes, Laur.” Carmilla couldn’t stop smiling. Deep down she knew they were dating already, but to hear Laura saying it out loud was something else. She cupped Laura’s face gently with both her hands and pulled her in for a kiss. Slow, passionate kiss. When Carmilla felt Laura smiling against her lips, she disconnected them and looked at her. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you want to be _my_ girlfriend?” And something about the emphasis Carmilla added to the word my made Laura’s stomach churn.

“I thought I asked first.”

“And now it’s your turn to answer.”

“Yes, Carm.” Laura chuckled before she looked down at her own leg on top of Carmilla’s. She felt her cheeks burning and she realized she’d never get used to the effect Carmilla had on her. Carmilla pulled her in again and this time she only pecked her lips. “This was supposed to be way more romantic. I didn’t even have time to plan anything!”

“Nothing that happened in our life, as in _our_ life, has been planned, cupcake. All the good things just happened like this, spontaneously, and honestly… I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“I love you so much.” Laura said, their foreheads still resting against each other. “I’m not losing you, ever again.”

“Not even if the whole world burns.” Carmilla added with a smile. It was true and she was sure Laura knew it.

“Not even if the whole world burns.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! See you :)


	16. (I Believe) We Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of domestic!hollstein because we're all humans... But then the good ol' angst you all know may come back for more...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month, I know, and I'm truly sorry. But I had to take this time and figure out where I'm going with this. Also, this chapter is the one I'm most afraid to post and I think you all will understand why. Anygays, I hope you enjoy the chapter and... well, yeah.

Laura felt the burning sensation in her chest grow once again as the dry cough came up in her throat. Goosebumps ran all over her covered body, the three blankets doing nothing to help with the extreme cold she was feeling. She just _hated_ being sick. She hated the feeling of not being able to hold her body up without being tamed by tiredness and weakness in all of her muscles.

Carmilla gently laid the tray down on the center table in front of Laura, watching carefully the white ceramic bowl filled with chicken soup so it wouldn’t spill. All it took was one look at Laura’s face, her cheeks almost red due to the extreme heat, to know that she wasn’t feeling well. She knew the girl had a fever, but she just wanted to check. Just to be sure.

“Open up,” Carmilla asked Laura before the smaller girl opened her mouth so Carmilla could take the thermometer out, which had been taking Laura’s temperature for the last five minutes. “103, Laur. You need to go to the hospital.”

“No! I hate hospitals.” Laura whined as she shrunk further on the couch, bringing the blanket up to cover her entire body more cozily. “I’m okay. I just need to take some ibuprofen and I’ll be good as new in no time.”

Carmilla sighed and decided to give it a try. 

“Fine, take the ibuprofen then. But if you’re not better in an hour, I’m taking you to the hospital.” Carmilla walked towards Laura’s kitchen cabinet, where the smaller girl used to keep her medicine jars stored, only to find it empty. “Laur, where did you put it? I can’t find it.”

“Same place it was before.”

“Oh,” Carmilla sighed. The drugstore delivery was out of question because it would take them at least an hour and a half and Laura needed that pill as soon as possible. The dark-haired girl walked back into the living room. “You ran out, then. I need to get you more but I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

“Then I’m going with you.” Laura shifted under the blankets, trying to get out from under the cozy fabric. Her trembling muscles were so visible to Carmilla.

“Only over my dead body. You lay back down there this instant.” Carmilla said, pointing to the couch where Laura was. “Even though being bundled up like that won’t make things exactly better, I also don’t want to risk it and ending up with you getting pneumonia.”

“I can’t keep myself warm, can’t go out in the cold… Make up your mind, Carm.” Laura teased, cocooning herself with the blankets again.

“That’s basic Biology, cutie.” Carmilla answered as she walked back inside, towards Laura’s bedroom, to get herself some clothes that were wearable in public and that could be enough to handle the cold breeze blowing outside. “The membranes in your body are already handling more heat then they’re supposed to. A common temperature for the human body is around 96 to 99 F and, since you’re already increasing your body temperature by being curled up in those blankets, it could literally start to melt them and then they would stop metabolizing stuff and you could die. Die, Laura.”

Laura listened to every word in awe, a silly smile escaping her lips. Carmilla was truly a little surprise box sometimes. Her mind was just like an entire galaxy just waiting to be unraveled and Laura didn’t think she could ever stop getting caught off guard by how her brain worked, how smart she was. She could be an encyclopedia when it came to music and literature. Laura could listen to Carmilla talking about that for hours because, even though the hazel-haired girl didn’t understand a word, she spoke about harmonic fields and relative notes so passionately that you just get stuck in her mind. However, to hear her nervously ramble about physiology was just something else.

“And we also don’t want to give them a thermal shock and make your fragile lungs suffer to keep the homeostasis, who’s now long gone, and end up filling your air-sacs with fluids, do we?”

Carmilla walked back into the living room once again, zippering her jacket up to her neck, to find Laura holding the bowl with one hand and the other bringing a spoon full of soup halfway to her mouth. “What?”

“Carmilla Karnstein, Biology 101 professor.” Laura said, her voice dropping an octave. Carmilla rose an eyebrow very suggestively.

“You seem to have skipped that class, haven't you, cutie?”

“Not that I could’ve paid much attention if you were the one teaching those classes anyway.”

Carmilla chuckled and placed a kiss on Laura’s forehead. “I’ll be right back. Please, don’t open any windows. Or move. Just stay where you are.”

“You say it as if I even want to.” Carmilla nodded and closed the door behind her.

The nearest pharmacy was only ten minutes away, but when it was dark outside everything seemed farther. Inevitably, Carmilla started to think about everything that was happening in her life. When she really slowed down to actually _think_ about it, it all seemed too rushed. She had lost Laura and gotten her back in a period of four months and that was definitely crazy. She had experienced a kind of pain she never knew she could, she never knew was possible after what she felt with Ell. Now Ell’s name didn’t even hurt anymore, but the thought of ever losing Laura again was excruciating.

Some would say that it all happened so fast, it just couldn’t be true. But Carmilla was perfectly aware that love knew no boundaries, or time notion. Carmilla never knew she would become so dependent on Laura. She didn’t know she would ever _need_ Laura’s scent to have a good night of sleep, or even the feeling of her soft skin against the palm of her hand.

Perry wasn’t even waiting up for Carmilla anymore. Some days the dark-haired girl would get home, at two in the morning, and find Perry sleeping and the entire house was spotless. Not a signal of Carmilla. The guitar case that was always set in a corner was now placed in a corner at Laura’s place. Carmilla’s bed was perfectly made most of the time because she hadn’t been sleeping on it much and, when she did, was always with Laura wrapped in her arms.

Maybe it was rushed. So what? Carmilla had suffered enough. Laura had suffered enough. They had waited enough. All they had was now and time doesn’t stop and waits for you to get your shit together. Carmilla couldn’t care less if it was rushed from other people’s point of view or not. She was happy with Laura and that was all that mattered.

She spotted the pharmacy sign and its LED lights shinning so brightly it hurt her eyes and sped up her pace, going directly to the aisle she knew they kept what she needed.

“I might need to take four of these,” Carmilla whispered to herself as she took a blister pack in hands, checking its dosage and the compounds. “Her body probably hurts, too. Yeah, I’m just going to take five, just in case. You can never be too careful.”

Carmilla took her phone out of her pocket and typed quickly on the screen.

**_Carmilla (8:25 PM):_ ** _Hey do you need anything else? What are you feeling?_

It didn’t take more than ten seconds until she saw the grey bubble with three dots appear.

**_Laur (8:25 PM):_ ** _As in right now I miss you, but I also feel a little bit sore. Like, my back is killing me._

**_Carmilla (8:25 PM):_ ** _Oh, okay, ibuprofen will do then. I’ll be right back to you, Laur._

“Carmilla, isn’t it?”

That voice wasn’t completely strange to Carmilla. She looked up from her phone and her heart seemed to have stopped beating for a solid minute. His features were always so serious, eyebrows knitted together and tensed jaw muscles. But not even his gray-ish hair, or lack thereof, could make his presence warmer to Carmilla.

“Yes, it is.” Carmilla forced a polite smile before her mind went blank. Laura hadn’t told her his name before. “Nice seeing you again, sir.”

“I don’t think Laura presented us properly before. I’m Sherman.” Laura’s father held a hand out towards Carmilla, which took too long for her to notice and shake it. “No need to keep up with the formalities.”

“Uh, okay.” Carmilla answered, feeling her cheeks start to burn. She wasn’t one to get shy easily, but she was totally allowed to be in that situation.

“How’s Laura?”

“Uh, she’s… She has a fever, so I came here to buy these because she ran out. She wanted to come with me but, you know, I wouldn’t let her get out in the cold.”

Carmilla watched every expression on his face trying to distinguish any movement but she was left with nothing. He was just staring at her with what she thought was a light smile, but she quickly wiped that thought off her head.

“So she stayed at home under, what, four blankets?” He questioned and the sudden change in his tone into that mandatory, scary one made Carmilla’s legs tremble. But, even with those traits, he still sounded somehow worried. 

“Uh, actually I told her she can’t be all wrapped up because it might increase her body temperature and… Yeah, never mind. She’s not that warm, but she’s not cold too.” Carmilla explained and watched his features change, for the first time. His jaw seemed to relax and his frown was slowly fading away. “Anyway, I really need to take these for her.” Carmilla raised her hand, which was now sweating even though it was cold, to show him the blister pack in her hands.

“Oh, I’m sorry I kept you here for too long. Tell Laura I said hi, would you?”

“Sure,” Carmilla smiled gently.

“Nice seeing you again, Carmilla.”

“Same, sir- Uh, Sherman.”

Carmilla passed through him with a nod.

“Carmilla?” His voice echoed again. She turned to face him again and this time he saw tenderness in his expression. “Uh, I was wondering if you could ask Laura if she would be willing to come to dinner on Friday, if she’s feeling better by then? And you, too. Both of you.”

Something inside Carmilla clicked and her heart started to race inside her chest. She wasn’t sure how Laura would react to that and she was scared that would trigger something even bigger to the smaller one.

“Okay, I will tell her to text you with a confirmation.”

“Thank you, Carmilla.”

“Sure,” she nodded again before she walked away from him.

_Oh, shit._

As soon as Carmilla stepped out of the drugstore, she immediately started to overthink what had just happened. What were the odds? It had come up in conversation before how Laura’s father lived in the other side of the city and for Carmilla to meet him alone and even the fact that he remembered her was all too much to be just a coincidence. If that was some twisted way for the Universe to tell her anything, she was pretty much done with all of that because if she were already overwhelmed by thoughts, how would Laura feel?

Carmilla’s thoughts took over completely and she only realized she had gotten to Laura’s place when her body, automatically, took a turn and stepped on a very familiar lawn. Her heart dropped when she saw Laura curled up in the blankets again, watching a cartoon on the TV, when she cracked the door open.

“Laur, I asked you to—“

“I wasn’t watching Toy Story!” Laura jumped out and Carmilla rolled her eyes.

 _Of course she is and it’s so fucking cute,_ Carmilla thought.

“I meant the blankets. The fever, body temperature, membranes?”

“Oh, right. I was too cold to remember lesson one of Biology 101.” She explained with a small eye roll as she watched Carmilla taking out one of the blisters pack from the plastic bag, only to give her a sweet smile.

“Here, take this,” Carmilla popped out a pill and handed it to Laura before she walked to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. “By the way, uhm… I ran into your dad.”

“You _what_?!” Laura shouted muffledly with the pill already in her mouth. 

“I didn’t even see him getting closer. Only realized it was him when he said my name.” Carmilla shrugged as she sat down and gave Laura the glass of water. “How are you feeling?”

“Now I’m anxious. And stressed out. You ran into my father!? In this part of the city? At eight at night?”

“Laur, calm down! And I meant the fever.”

“I’m so cold it looks like my organs are on fire but ibuprofen will take care of that. What did he say to you?”

“He asked me about you, how you were doing.”

Carmilla looked reprehensively at Laura and, this time, Carmilla saw fear in her eyes. She wondered for a second if she should tell her about the invitation now or if it would trigger something for Laura. Of course, she had no right to hide that from her, but she still felt scared. But, at the same time, she saw how desperate she was to just know. Her father didn’t use to care about Laura, at all. So, to have him ask about her and how she was, it was completely out of the expected and, even if it was something common for someone else, that was new to Laura. It was a feeling she wasn’t used to feel – and one she was so desperate to feel.

“And…?”

“I told him you were sick. I said you had a fever and that I was getting the medicine for you. He was worried if you were like that, all wrapped up, because, you know, you shouldn’t.” Carmilla chuckled and fought the urge to take at least one of the blankets away, but she contained herself. Laura had already taken the pill anyway. “And, uhm… He told me to ask you if you’d be willing to have dinner on Friday and, if so, for you to text him to let him know and if you’re feeling better, too.”

Silence fell between them comfortably and it made Carmilla sad how such a small gesture, a simple question, could leave Laura, who was always talking too much and rambling like a child, speechless like that. Carmilla didn’t mention he invited her as well because she felt like there was no space for her in that scenario. If Laura wanted her to go with her she wouldn’t even blink before saying yes, but she didn’t want to insert herself like that. That was up to Laura. She wanted her to decide if it was the right moment. And whatever she decided, that was what they were going to do and Carmilla was going to support Laura no matter what.

“Are you okay?” Carmilla asked, seeing Laura static, gaze fixed down on her fingers.

“Yeah, I am.” Laura answered as she looked up, as if Carmilla had snapped her fingers and taken her out of a trance. “Just a little… uh… He has never asked how I am before. I mean, he has but he was never _worried._ So… yeah.”

Carmilla smiled gently before she leaned in and peeked Laura’s lips, feeling the heat coming out of her cheeks hit her own skin. As Laura smiled, she touched Laura’s cheek and forehead with the back of her hand, making Laura roll her eyes.

“You’re still warm, cupcake,” Carmilla said. “But I guess I can hold you a bit without feeling guilty of increasing your body temperature.”

And with that Carmilla sunk further on the couch and, almost immediately, Laura sunk herself in Carmilla’s embrace.

“It’s worth it,” Laura said and looked up at Carmilla again, making the dark-haired girl smile before she, again, took Laura’s lips on hers. “I’m not complaining over here, but you should stop kissing me if you don’t want your membranes to start melting as well.”

Carmilla gave her a half smile and shrugged.

“You’re worth it.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Laura whispered and silence fell between them again, only the TV noises and their breathings filling the room.

It didn’t take long until Laura noticed Carmilla’s breathing getting heavier and steadier. Laura was already used to that, to feel Carmilla fall asleep like that. She felt asleep after taking care of Laura’s sick body for hours and yet Carmilla wouldn’t let go of the tight grip around Laura’s body, her arm pulling her closer.

Laura never knew love could feel that good.

Very sneakily, she reached over Carmilla’s body and got her phone.

**_Laura (08:57 PM):_ ** _Hi, dad. Carm told me you ran into each other a few minutes ago._

**_Dad (08:59 PM):_ ** _Hi, Laura. Yes, we did indeed. Did she tell you about the dinner on Friday?_

**_Laura (08:59 PM):_ ** _Yes, she did. I just wanted to know what time would be good for you? For the dinner, I mean?_

**_Dad (09:01 PM):_ ** _Is 8 good for you and Carmilla?_

Laura frowned. Carmilla didn’t mention he had invited her as well. Maybe he didn’t and was only being polite after running into her. _That would fit him so perfectly._ Maybe he did invite Carmilla, but she didn’t feel comfortable. A lot of what ifs.

**_Laura (09:01 PM):_ ** _8 sounds good._

**_Dad (09:03 PM):_ ** _Good! Get well soon, Laura._

Laura’s heart almost jumped out of her chest and she was sure somewhere in her body had had a spasm because she felt Carmilla moving slightly under her and tightening her arm around her waist, but not in a painful way. She felt her eyes sting and when she tried to fight the tears, it was already too late because a lot of them rolled down her face when she blinked.

**_Laura (09:05 PM):_ ** _Thanks, dad._

It was the first time Laura smiled because of something her father had told her.

* * *

It was the first time Carmilla saw Laura having a panic attack.

The past three days were fine. Her father had called once or twice to ask some details about what they were having for dinner, but that was all. Laura didn’t overthink it and she was even looking forward to it, even though she felt sick to her stomach of anxiety every time she thought about it. Also, the fact that Carmilla had agreed to go with her was helping. The idea of facing her father, eye to eye and all with no place – or no one – to run to was scary, but to have Carmilla by her side on that it was what was making it easier.

Until the day actually came and as Carmilla stood in front of Laura’s father’s house with the smaller girl holding her hand and Laura couldn’t breathe.

It started with her hands. They got cold for no reason and they were shaking but that was okay. Laura thought that maybe her blood pressure had just dropped, even though the thought of being almost eight o’clock somehow worsened it.

Then her heart happened. It was beating so hard it was actually painful. She felt weak but, for Laura, it was okay because her pressure had dropped, right? So, it was completely normal for her to be weak. All she needed was a little bit of salt under her tongue and there, done.

But, along with all that, she felt her lungs being compressed inside her rib cage and everything inside her was burning and she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes couldn’t focus and she felt deranged. Her mouth was dry and all she wanted to do was run.

“Laura, what’s happening?” Carmilla asked her as soon as she saw Laura’s eyes filled with unshed tears, and how she was holding her breath. Or trying to breathe. Laura was crying and Carmilla didn’t understand at first why she was bawling like that all of the sudden, or why her hands were cold and shaking. Then, it hit her.

Laura was having a panic attack because of her father and maybe because Carmilla was with her, and she was not ready to face him with her. Carmilla wanted to cry. Seeing Laura like that and thinking that she might have triggered that somehow was the worst of the feelings and she wished she could just disappear.

“Hey, Laur, look at me,” Carmilla gently touched Laura’s face to see what would be her reaction. When she didn’t pull away, her other hand came to meet the other side of her face, cupping it and gently twisting it so Laura was facing Carmilla. “Look at me. Deep breaths. Come on. Breathe in and breathe out.”

Laura did as Carmilla told, the breaths shakily coming in and out.

“Laur, talk to me.”

“I don’t know what’s happening,” she answered with a certain struggle. “It has never happened before.”

“Ok, I want you to look at me. In the eyes.” Carmilla asked and Laura swallowed hard before she looked at her. “You’re going to be fine, okay? Trust me. Do you trust me?” Laura nodded. “Okay, keep breathing. I want you to look around. Find three things for me. Anything that you can spot.”

Laura’s eyes kept searching for something out in the dark, only the lampposts lighting up the street.

“Trash can, hydrant, lamppost.”

“Ok, now repeat those, same sequence, and take deep breaths in between each.”

“Trash can.” A breathe. “Hydrant.” A deep breathe. “Lamppost.” Another one, followed by tears.

“Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.” Carmilla asked and Laura promptly did it.

Laura didn’t know how Carmilla knew all those things or even how that was supposed to help, but it was working. She felt her hands starting to get warm again and her heart was beating calmly inside her chest again.

“What color is your couch?” Carmilla asked, making Laura frown a bit.

“White.”

“What color is your fridge?”

“White.”

“I want you to think of three things that are purple, okay?”

It took Laura a few seconds until something popped up in her head.

By now, her breathing was steady. Her eyes were getting dry and her hands weren’t shaking anymore. She wasn’t chocking on her own breathing anymore and when Carmilla noticed it worked, she sighed relieved.

“Grapes.” Laura said. “Lillies. And Barney.”

“Barney?” Carmilla raised her eyebrows and she swore her heart dropped. Even in times like this, Laura could still think of the most childish things and make it even cuter.

“The dinosaur?” Laura stated as if it still wasn’t obvious.

“I’m aware of who Barney is. Or what. I’m just… Never mind.” Carmilla smiled. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I am.” Laura smiled, wiping her right cheek with the back of her hand. Carmilla’s hand reached for the other one, thumb brushing against the hot skin, wiping all of those tears of panic away. “How did you know all of those things?”

Carmilla took a deep breath. Delicate subject.

“I used to have panic attacks constantly. Sometimes I would wake up in a sweat and screaming. My therapist taught me that when I was thirteen. Never forgot.”

Laura bit her bottom lip as she turned her head to stare at her house – her father’s house. It had been a while since the last time she walked in there, but she was not about to give up now.

“Hey, you’ll be okay. It’s just a dinner. You can leave whenever you want. Just say the word, okay?” Carmilla said, trying to comfort Laura with a smile as her hand ran gently through her hair, fingers putting a lose strand of hair behind her ear.

“Thank you, Carm. I love you. No matter what happens in there, I want you to know that. I love you.”

Carmilla leaned in and closed the distance between them, sealing their lips together. The dark-haired girl felt Laura’s hand against the skin of her neck, her fingertips touching her skin gently. Even though her heart was aching inside her chest because she knew she couldn’t help Laura like she wanted, like she needed her to, she was relieved to let Laura know that she’d be with her no matter what. There were things that were out of her control or out of her power to fix or heal and Carmilla was okay with that. She was there if she needed her and she was so sorry she couldn’t love the scars and fears away like Laura did to her.

“I know. I love you, Laura. No matter what.” Carmilla leaned in and kissed Laura’s forehead, Laura’s missing inches making her the perfect height for that. “Are you ready?”

Laura nodded and Carmilla did too. The dark-haired girl held the smaller one’s hand as they stepped further on the front porch. She could feel how Laura’s hand was still shaking a little bit, so she made sure to comfort her how she could – even if it was just by holding her hand and showing that she was there for her.

Laura took a deep breathe before she raised her hand until her index finger rang the doorbell.

“Oh, hi, Laura. Nice to see you as well, Carmilla.”

“Hi, dad. Can we come in?”

“Sure thing. Make yourselves at home.” Sherman stepped aside so the girls could enter into the living room. Carmilla closed the door behind her and watched as Laura took off her jacket and went to hang it behind the door, but the hanger was not there. Instead, she found it on the wall. “I hope you’re hungry because I might have over measured it.”

 _It was her home but it probably doesn’t feel like one anymore,_ Carmilla thought. She looked at Laura, waiting for her to answer. She felt so out of place it was uncomfortable, but the priority there wasn’t her. It was Laura. But when Laura looked at her, almost begging that she said something to kill the silence, she knew it was okay.

“I’m sure it’s delicious, sir.” Carmilla answered as she followed Laura’s automatic steps into the kitchen. “It does smell good. May I ask what is it?”

“It’s pasta and a white sauce with bacon, tomatoes, some pepper and cheese.” He took the recipient and put it on the already set table as Laura sat down at it. Carmilla took a glance over at her and saw a small smile growing on her face.

“Laura’s favorite.” Carmilla said.

“As far as I can remember, yes.” He answered and put the dishtowel away before he gestured for Carmilla to take a seat. “Please, Carmilla, take a seat. Would you like something to drink? I know Laura likes this grape juice.”

Carmilla looked at the bottle of what was clearly a kid’s brand and just shook her head lightly. It still amazed Carmilla how Laura had such a taste for kids things.

“I think I’m going to join her, then.” She smiled softly as she looked at Laura, and felt her heart growing three sizes when she didn’t see anxiety or fear stamped on her face anymore. Laura’s father nodded gently and turned to get the glasses from the cupboard. So, Carmilla turned to Laura and whispered, “are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she nodded and reached for Carmilla’s hand under the table. When Laura’s father sat at the table, she didn’t withdraw.

As soon as Laura ate her first bite, something seemed to take her right back to her childhood, when her mother used to make this exact meal for her every Friday night. Somehow her father had managed to add just the right amount of seasoning and it tasted exactly like her mother’s. Laura wasn’t one to miss her mother that much – she was just a little kid when she passed away and she had learned how to deal with that. But, being back home brought it all back to her and she felt like that eight year old, back in her room and her mother no longer coming back home. She wanted to cry, but it didn’t hurt.

 _God, I wish mom could meet Carm. They would get along so well,_ Laura thought to herself before her attention came back to the conversation happening at the table.

“So, what do you do for a living, Carmilla?” Sherman took a sip of his white wine right after he dropped the question.

“Uh, I’m a writer and a musician in my spare time. You know, with Kindles and all…” Carmilla joked and got a chuckle from him. “Laura, actually, did a great review of my book a few months back. It was better than the book itself.”

“Laura is very intelligent, indeed. I told her she could’ve gotten into Law school easily, but I guess it fell on deaf ears.”

Carmilla swallowed hard and tried not to immediately look at Laura when she heard his response, but she couldn’t help herself. Laura was staring at her plate, just stirring tomato slices around the plate. Carmilla saw her chin trembling a bit and she knew she was fighting the tears.

“You know, her mother was a lawyer too. A very good one. It would’ve made her so happy if Laura could follow her steps, you know?” As much as Laura tried, she didn’t listen to it as something he said with good intentions or no intentions whatsoever. He knew how much this subject affected her. They’ve had talks about it.

But she was so done crying in the corners because of it. It hurt like hell and she thought her lungs were about to collapse again, but she wasn’t staying quiet this time.

“You know what, dad? I’m done with this subject.” Laura put her silverware down on her plate as she stared fixedly at him. “We’ve had this talk before. Don’t you even dare bring mom up in this. You’re always trying to make me feel like shit about doing this job, one that I love. And guess what? You did it. You don’t care if I’m happy or not. You just care if the numbers in my bank account are as high as yours are.”

Carmilla wanted to excuse herself, but how could she? The tension in the room was too heavy and there was no gaps for her to do it. She glanced over at Laura and saw her eyes filling up with water again.

Sherman frowned at Laura’s behavior.

“That is not what this is about, Laura. I just want what’s best for you.”

“If you did you’d see how happy I am with my job and how I don’t need to go to Law school or even New York to be happy. I don’t need to make ten thousand a month to be happy, dad!”

“I’m your father, Laura! It’s my job to make sure you have everything you need.” He raised his tone, but it didn’t come out with anger nor he sounded violent.

“You know what I need, dad? What I _needed?_ I needed love from you! After my mom died, I just needed my father to say he loved me and that he was proud of me but you never did that! Never!” Laura yelled and at that moment she didn’t care if the tears were taking over. “The only thing I vividly remember about my mom is that she always came home from work, made me dinner and then we would go to the basement and she would grab her guitar and play whatever song she wanted for me. My mom liked music and books and she loved the smell of dirt after a whole afternoon of rain. She loved _me._ And even if she was still here, that’s supposed to be your job too, dad.”

“You really think I don’t love you? You think I don’t care about you?” He asked and a sob came with all its force and Laura hated herself for crying that much in front of her father because she knew he would find a way to use that against her some time.

He shook his head before he stood up and walked out of the kitchen towards the living room and Laura could finally breathe. She looked at Carmilla and the other girl didn’t waste any time before pulling Laura closer and placing a kiss on her forehead.

Her father walked in again with a transparent folder in hands, filled with cut newspaper pages and handed it to Laura.

It was her pieces for the New York Times and for Silas News. All of them.

“I have all of your articles. I even printed out some that I couldn’t get on paper.”

Carmilla wanted to run away. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be witnessing that. It was a matter between Laura and her father only, but at this point she was too worried Laura would have another anxiety attack and, really, where would she run to anyway? She just kept her eyes down on her plate as she heard it all. Laura’s silent sobs, Sherman’s heavy breathing.

“I know I’m not like your mother, Laura. I am proud of you, I just don’t know how to express that. I didn’t know that you needed me to say it out loud when I thought my actions spoke for it. Why didn’t you say anything?”

There it was. Those words she’s been seeking to hear from her father’s mouth for so long.

“Because every time you talk to me you always find a way to bring me down. You might not notice, but you do. And, to be honest, I’m not sure if you’re not completely unaware of it because there is no way those things just slip. It hurts so bad, dad. I just wanted you to say ‘oh, Laura, you did good’ or ‘I’m proud of you’, but it never came. Never.”

“How was I supposed to know? All you had to do was ask! Talk to me! I’m not psychic, Laura.”

“These things are just sixth sense, or second nature, when you become a parent. You don’t need a psychology class to know that.” Laura’s sadness had mixed up with the weird anger growing inside her chest. “It hurt so much to watch you turn your nose at me every time I mentioned my job. It hurt even more when I left for New York. All because I felt like I had to make up to _your_ expectations and to do what _you_ wanted to me do.”

“I didn’t make you do anything, Laura. You seemed happy when you got the job in New York, you seemed happy when you were there. I know you.” At that point he was just listening to what Laura was telling him, but it made no sense in his head. The puzzles just didn’t fit together. He was a good father. He just wanted what was best for his daughter and that was it. How could she not see it?

“In your head. You never do anything, dad. You’re always right and I’m always the one who’s doing everything you want to stop feeling like I’m not enough for you.” Laura stood up, letting the anger take over her. “You don’t know me, dad. You think you do, but you don’t. God, you didn’t even— You know what? Never mind. There’s no point in arguing with you.”

“And what are you going to do? Just turn your back to me and leave? Is that a mature thing to do, Laura? If we need to talk it out, we must.”

“Probably not a mature move, but I’m tired of feeling like shit every time we talk. I’m tired of crying because you can’t think before you speak.”

“When were you going to tell me about Carmilla?”, the question made both of them look at him at the same time. Carmilla was startled with such a sudden question, but Laura looked afraid for her life. He stood up and walked towards Laura, holding each one of her arms gently.

“Because you couldn’t even… You know. I was scared that it would add another thing to the _not being proud of Laura_ list and I seriously couldn’t take it.” Laura said, head dropped low, tears shedding again and she wondered how much more she could cry in one night.

“Laura, you being with a woman doesn’t change anything. I already knew.” For the first time, Carmilla saw the man smiling. Not a big one, but a gentle smile that she knew would warm Laura’s heart. “Since, I don’t know, seventh grade?”

“How?” Laura asked.

“I knew Elsie wasn’t just a _study buddy_ ,” he shrugged and Laura rolled her eyes. Of course. He took a deep breath before he continued. “Look, Laura, I know I’m not your mom and I’ll never be. She was the most caring person in the world. She would’ve loved to see the woman you became. I’m sorry I made you feel like this during all this time. I promise I’ll try to be a better dad.”

“It means a lot, dad. Thank you,” she smiled. “And I’ll try to be a better daughter. I’m just… Not attending Law school and I’m sorry if I’m being a disappointment but I just—“

“You _are_ the best daughter, Laura. You don’t need a Law school degree for that. I’m sorry about trying to force you into it. I wish you had told me sooner.”

“I’m sorry,” she said and Carmilla’s heart ached for the other girl. It was going to be hard to let go of the old habits and the only way she knew how to behave with her father, but she knew she would get through it and Carmilla was going to do everything in her power for that to happen.

“Stop apologizing. **I** am sorry and I should be.” He said and Laura nodded in response. “Baby steps.”

“Baby steps,” she smiled.

Laura was a mess inside. She wasn’t sure if her father meant those words because she never knew a different man than the one who hurt her all that time. She could recognize those words coming from her mother, even if she was no longer with them, but her father was a total new experience and her heart was aching inside her chest in anticipation, fear, and… happiness. For the first time in a long time she felt happy talking to her father. For the very first time she felt somehow safe and the fact that Carmilla was there to support her made all the difference.

 “But in all seriousness, I wish you had told me sooner.”

“Dad, I tried to tell you about Law school a million times, but you never listened to me.”

“Not about that, Laura. About Carmilla. She’s a good kid and if you’re happy, so be it.”

“Thanks, dad. It means a lot.”

“Your mom is so proud of you, wherever she is.” He said and Laura wanted to cry again. Because of her mother, because of the sincerity she heard on his tone. “So am I. I hope you know that.”

“I will get there,” she whispered and, seeing her watery eyes, her father leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead.

It was the first time, in seven years, that Laura had hugged her father. She didn’t even know how it felt anymore because it wasn’t that common either, but feeling his arms wrapping around her tight made her feel better – something she didn’t know she was ever capable of feeling with her father. But she was so glad she found out that, after all, she could.

“Well, this took a turn.” Carmilla said, trying to lighten up the mood and felt the relief running through her body when both of them chuckled as they parted. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing!” Sherman asked. “The food is probably cold by now. I’m just going to heat it up again. So tell me Carmilla, how did you two meet?”

With a heart warm sensation and a sincere smile on her lips, Laura watched as Carmilla turned beet red and tried to find the words to even begin to share and she wasn’t sure if they had enough time for that.

* * *

“I’m sorry for today, Carm.”

The dim lights were making low shadows of their entangled bodies on the street as they walked back home two hours later. They were two blocks from Laura’s place when Carmilla noticed her mood change.

“Why are you apologizing again? It’s fine, Laur. Whatever it is.”

“I put you in a uncomfortable situation back there, when we were yelling at each other and all. I don’t know, I was so caught up in the moment and I just wanted to scream all the things I was feeling and I don’t even know what it was that I was feeling that I just left you there. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, seriously. At first I did get a little bit lost and I didn’t know what to do, but that’s normal. Watching you solve the things was, to say the least, beautiful.”

“You call me ugly crying _beautiful?_ ” Laura quirked up an eyebrow.

“You’re beautiful in every way, buttercup.”

“How are you so good at this?” Laura blurted out and stopped, in the middle of the street, right under a lamppost as she watched Carmilla’s features change. “With that thing I had before and now… How do you do it?”

“When you’ve been in therapy for five years it’s almost second nature. It helped me back then, so why wouldn’t it work with you?”

Laura smiled before she, shyly, stared back at her feet.

“This thing with your dad will get better eventually, but the wounds it left on you won’t heal by themselves, you know? It’s much deeper than just yelling your feelings. You were so overwhelmed earlier that you didn’t even know why or what you were feeling. These things, they take time and… You know, that’s hard to cope by yourself.” Laura listened carefully to every and which word that came out of Carmilla’s mouth. She knew that deep down she meant well, but the thought of reaching that point was scary.

“You’re helping me heal,” she whispered and felt Carmilla taking two steps closer, only to reach her hand and intertwine their fingers.

“Not the way you need me to.” Carmilla smiled softly, trying to comfort Laura as much as she could. “But that’s up to you. I’m telling you from experience. I could’ve not made it if I hadn’t tried it. Just think about it, okay?” She placed a kiss on Laura’s forehead and the smaller one nodded in agreement. Carmilla nodded too, before she pecked Laura’s lips.

In complete silence, they walked until Laura’s door as her mind went a thousand miles per hour. Maybe it was too much. She never felt sick or ill. Her state of mind has always been her normal and starting to seeing it differently was scary and just the thought alone made her lungs battle for oxygen again. _Why was it happening to her? Why? She had everything she wanted. She had a job she loved, she had the woman she loved right next to her. Why was her brain forbidding her from seeing that that life was good?_ Was she going to be okay? If that wasn’t being okay, what was?

A lot of unanswered questions in her mind made Laura lose all the focus she had. She took a shower, changed clothes and when she least expected it, Carmilla was already laying down in bed with her notebook in hands.

“Carm?” She called out, making Carmilla look up from her notebook. Carmilla gently placed it on the nightstand when she saw Laura’s worried features. “Will I be okay?”

Carmilla simply smiled and tapped on the free spot next to her on the bed. Laura jumped under the blankets and curled herself into Carmilla’s embrace.

“You will, baby.” Carmilla kissed the top of her head before she felt Laura’s body sinking further into the safeness of her arms. “You will be okay. I’m here for you, every step of the way.”

That was good enough for Laura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I'll see you soon!


	17. When I Don't Belong, You Say I'm Yours and I Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla takes Laura on a trip with the intentions of making things better for Laura, to distract her from the things that are going on with her father. What she didn't expect was for it to help her heal and understand somethings from her past as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> 2 month break, wow, I'm an assh*le, I'm so sorry! HAHA
> 
> I had a little bit of trouble to come up with this chapter and I had a general plot written on my phone for a month and a half now, but I didn't know how to start. I hope you enjoy this one! (Do you all still remember the story? Is it a blurr already? I'm sorry! hahah) 
> 
> Also, I suck at writing poems and I wrote that one a long time ago and it fit beautifully in this story, so deal with it. (Thank you for dealing with it anyway, though)

Laura had never seen such a beautiful view before – even if she was waking up next to Carmilla every morning. Something about the cold breeze blowing soft whispers through the leaves in the trees made Laura feel, finally, at peace. She had not felt that in quite a while. It had nothing to do with Carmilla or where they standing, as a couple. Things between them were the best it could be. Ever since that first panic attack she had, Carmilla was helping her to figure out what was happening to her and how she could calm herself in crisis like that one, but the dark-haired girl had mentioned therapy at some point and it was a weird feeling. She knew something was wrong – or maybe _different,_ or not working quite as she would expect it to be, but to hear those words was rough. She never thought she would be in that position. For Laura, everything was fine the way it was and, if she was being completely honest with herself, the unusual still scared her a little bit, and the fact that she knew she could break at any time because of a misplaced word gave her chills.

But she was so happy to know that she had Carmilla with her on this. And maybe, just maybe, she had her father too. Baby steps.

Watching the mini waves swinging gently on the lake was immensely calming and Laura didn’t even notice she had been standing there for quite some time. The wind was blowing on her hair and she didn’t even get annoyed with the strands on her face like she would. Warms arms wrapped around her waist, making Laura’s hands involuntarily move to intertwine her fingers with Carmilla’s as she felt the dark-haired girl rest her chin on the crook of her neck. Her heart was racing, as it always did whenever she felt Carmilla’s touch, Carmilla’s presence. That weird cold feeling in the pit of her stomach when she felt their bodies fitting together perfectly and her perfume filling her nostrils – it was peace. That place brought Laura the most unusual feeling of peace and quietness and, for a second, she wished she could live in that scene. To just take a picture and live in it forever.

Carmilla felt it too.

As soon as she laid eyes on Laura, just staring at the horizon and the nothingness that came with it, she knew it would bring her some peace of mind. She also knew how much Laura needed a break from everything – from work, from her father, from herself. Mostly from herself.

Seeing Laura like that killed Carmilla inside. After that dinner night, Laura had had two panic attacks and both of them had something to do with her father somehow. Things were getting better between them, yes, but the scars Laura had were still too deep and the wounds were still healing. Carmilla had woken up breathless in the middle of the night because she dreamed about Elle before, but waking up to Laura’s desperate crying was way worse. She could handle lack of oxygen, but the feeling that scene brought her was beyond comparison.

“Hi, Carm,” Laura said softly on the other side of the line, after two and a half rings. Carmilla’s heart raced inside her chest and she wondered how Laura still had that effect on her, after all that time. “Everything okay? You never call me at work.”

“I text you a lot, but yeah, everything is fine. I just want to know if you’re still leaving at eight tonight.”

“Friday, remember?” Laura whined. “So, yeah. Why? What do you need?”

“I need you to pack some warm clothes and also a bikini for the weekend.”

“Unless we’re going to Brazil, I really don’t see how this is a thing.”

“Just do as I say, okay? I’ll pick you up.” Carmilla’s tone came out the softest it has ever been and the butterflies in Laura’s stomach came alive once again. She could almost _feel_ her smile through the phone. Almost.

“Warm clothes and a bikini?” Laura asked again, just to make sure she had heard it right and she wasn’t completely losing it from working extra hours.

“You heard it right, cutie.”

“You are unbelievable,” Laura giggled on the other side of the line and Carmilla shook her head. She still couldn’t believe that girl was hers.

“See you soon, cupcake.”

Three hours later, Carmilla could feel Laura’s tensed muscles relaxing under her touch. _Her touch._ She didn’t hear her getting closer. Maybe she was too caught up on her own thoughts or even just observing the sea of nothing in that dark black sky in front of her, but she didn’t even hear the dry leaves cracking under Carmilla’s feet. Her touch was supposed to scare her. It didn’t. It was like her body already could sense her from a mile away. Laura’s body and her digitals and her entire body knew Carmilla’s touch. Even though she didn’t expect, she still felt safe with Carmilla’s unexpected touches.  

With a kiss to her neck, she stared at her for what was probably three seconds, but it seemed like an entire hour because she just couldn’t take her eyes off her.

“See why I asked you to bring warm clothes?” Carmilla asked, Laura’s eyes not even blinking. “It’s cold out here. Let’s go inside.”

Laura hummed in agreement, but her feet were not moving. Instead, an innocent moan of pleasure and comfort came out from her lips as she grabbed Carmilla’s arms to wrap them tighter around her waist.

“Why did you bring me here?”

The place was beautiful, at least the outside part, which was the only thing Laura had seen so far. The house looked like an 1800s castle, but instead of a three-story house, it was a ground floor. You could see bushes with purple lilies and pink roses all around it and beautiful orange leaves around the wooden handrails. The lake set near it was beautiful, even if at night she could only see dead colors – dark blue and black – and Laura thought that maybe death could beautiful, too.

“It was my safe place for the most part of my life. I wanted it to give you the same feeling that life is worth living as it gave me during all those years.”

She turned her head, just a little bit. Just enough to catch a glimpse of Carmilla’s profile, also staring at the sky, and smiled. It was almost like Carmilla could read Laura’s mind.

It was true. Life _was_ worth living.

“I know it is,” Laura breathed as if she was keeping it in for hours now, eyes still locked on Carmilla’s face.

She wasn’t sure what that meant or if she meant those words, but every second she spent with Carmilla was worth it. The view helped. Chills made the hairs on her arm rise and, as a good observer, Carmilla couldn’t help but notice the moment Laura tried to disguise a light rub on her arm.

“You’re cold. Come on, let’s go inside and at least put our stuff in the bedroom.” It was truly getting colder outside and even though Laura was stuck to the peace, she needed extra warmth.

With a light nod they both turned on their heels and started making their way through the path of broken branches and dried leaves to the house. Carmilla’s touch never left Laura’s, only to reach for the car keys in her jacket pocket.

“Can you open the trunk and get our bags? You and Perry are the only ones who know how to open this thing.” Laura chuckled. It was true. Carmilla could try three hundred times, but the thing wouldn’t unlock under her touch. She just couldn’t get the hold of it. Laura, on the other hand, would do it with her eyes closed.

“Are you sure Perry doesn’t need the car this weekend?” Laura asked, her voice coming muffled as she bent her body inside the trunk to get the two backpacks that had rolled over farther into the space.

“Well, she told me it would be fine if I took it, so I guess she has some money left for Ubers.”

“Why didn’t she come with us?”

“I asked her to, but she said we could use the alone time,” Carmilla closed the door behind her as she got all the fast-food paper and paper cups from the drive-thru. Laura scoffed gently.

“As if I didn’t live alone and you didn’t spend more time with me than at your place.”

“Right?” Carmilla agreed. “But I think she meant _talking._ About things.”

“But we do that, just with a different vocabulary.” Carmilla watched a smirk growing on Laura’s face. It amused her how Laura adopted some of her characteristics, but still managed to give it her own touch.

“Laura, I don’t think Perry meant sex talk.”

“But that’s the best kind,” Laura fake pouted, bringing Carmilla to break in laughter.

As they stepped into the living room, Laura’s eyes started searching the place. The wooden windows and doors sure made the place look like a countryside house, and the fact that there was a huge fireplace in the middle of the living room confirmed it. Long white curtains that seemed to have been washed the week before covered the windows and the entire house it was spotless. Laura also spotted stairs, obviously. Would it really be a countryside house if it there weren’t stairs?

“The bedrooms are up there,” Carmilla pointed to the stairs with her head. Laura made room for Carmilla to pass through her and lead the way, as she did. When they got to the top of the stairs, the dark-haired girl saw, at the end of the very long and narrow hall, the door to her old bedroom and her stomach filled with butterflies. Not the same ones Laura gave her – only Laura could do that to her – but it was almost as good. “God, it looks like I haven’t been here in ages.”

“Is it yours? The place, I mean?”

“Yes and no,” Carmilla said after she passed Laura to lead the way. “It’s my aunt’s, but I have the keys. I used to live here when I was younger.”

Carmilla put the bags down and a thunder crashed in the background. Some drops of water could already be heard tapping the windows. _Of course it had to rain_ , Carmilla thought. The door was still tricky to open. It made her smile that her aunt didn’t change the locks. At least one of her best childhood memories was still intact. She held the knob up a bit and forced the door back and forth and, just as it used to, it opened on the fourth time, showing Carmilla the gray walls with words written on it.

Laura walked in observing every inch of the place and how it still looked like Carmilla’s, even if Laura didn’t get to meet the younger version of her. She had a desk, that was now perfectly clear and empty and not the mess of notepads and ripped pages like the one in her bedroom at hers and Perry’s place, and there was a guitar sitting next to her bed. It all screamed Carmilla’s name.

As the hazel-haired girl walked further into the room, she noticed something on the wall in a very particular spot next to her bed, at hand level if she was laying down. Words. Random words written on it, but Laura knew that they carried the weight of the world on them.

“This place is so nice, Carm.” Laura walked to the window to see outside. Deep down she knew she couldn’t see a thing, but something made her. She noticed some shadows outside and, in a few seconds, she found a treehouse and smiled with the picture of eight-year-old Carmilla climbing those branches up to the wooden house.

She felt Carmilla moving behind her and saw her shadow through the window glass, as she approached her with her arms crossed in front of her chest, watching her with an amused smile on her face.

“Yeah, it is.” Carmilla smiled. “The last time I was here was when you were in New York, a few days before you came back. It brought me some light in the middle of all that pain.” Carmilla said with no sadness or guilty in her tone for the first time. The first time Laura didn’t notice any pain related to New York in Carmilla’s voice. Maybe this time it was different because Laura was there with her, or maybe she was just spending too much time with a writer and now her brain was conditioned to create scenarios.

“Isn’t it… bad? Remembering it, now that you’re here?”

“Now _you_ are here too, so no.” Those words made Laura’s stomach churn in the best way possible. She turned to face Carmilla with already a smile on her face, her head tilted, just a little bit, to the side making some strands of hair fall on her eye. Carmilla carefully put those behind her ear and stepped in closer. “Hungry?”

“A little bit,” Laura answered, this time she being the one putting dark strands behind the other’s ear. “But it can wait,” she said before she, smiling, connected her lips to Carmilla’s.

* * *

Thunders and lightning were crashing behind Laura, outside the kitchen window, and the water was starting to seem a little too much.

Carmilla was throwing the plastic cups and cupboard pizza box in the trash since they had no ingredients to make a decent meal. Carmilla couldn’t just ask Laura to go and do some lunch and dinner shopping if she wanted the place to be a surprise, so pizza they brought on their way there would have to do.

When another thunder broke and brought with it a deafening shot sound, the dark-haired girl watched Laura jump a little in place in scare.

“Scared of the rain?” Carmilla teased, getting an eye roll from the other one.

“It’s raining a lot.” Laura stated the obvious. “I don’t know. It makes me anxious.”

“Well, I’m finished here.” Carmilla threw the last plastic bag into another one and closed the lid of the trashcan before she cleaned the kitchen counter again with a cloth. “What do you want to do? We can’t really stargaze and drink champagne in the treehouse, so something inside, please. I am not seeking a flu.”

Another thunder crashed behind them and, two milliseconds after, a lightning came along and all the lights in the house shut off. Laura tried to switch the switch up and down but nothing happened.

“I can’t believe it.” Laura heard Carmilla complaining. Even though she couldn’t see her face, she _knew_ she had that bunched up face. “Are you serious, Jesus? Or whoever is up there?”

“Carm, it’s okay. We’re in the middle of nowhere, almost, and it’s raining a lot. It’s really okay.” Laura stepped closer until she felt the warmth of Carmilla’s body. “Unless you’re scared of the dark…”

“I’m not scared of anything, stop.” Carmilla let out a nervous laugh. Carmilla stepped away slowly, trying not to trip on anything. “We need candles. I think I know where they are.”

“Hello, cell phones?”

“The flashlight on it drains the battery. What if we need to call someone? How are we going to charge the phones if we have no electricity?”

“Point made. Tell me where it is and I’ll help you.”

“In that cabinet next to the front door. First one to your left, lower shelf.”

“And matchsticks?”

“Here.” Carmilla answered as the sound of a drawer being opened echoed. “My aunt used to hide it here, behind the silverware box, so we couldn’t find it. So naïve, that woman. I used to set fire to floor cloths as a time passer when I was 10.”

“I’m surprised you’re still whole.” Laura chuckled and, after some tripping, found the holder to the cabinet.

“So am I.” Carmilla closed the drawer and looked around to try and find Laura. Her eyes were starting to get used to the lack of light and she could almost recognize things in the dark now. She definitely could see a moving shadow walking towards her.

“I found four.” Laura said, holding the candles in hand and showing it to Carmilla in an obviously failed attempt. “I’m glad we showered before. And you wanted to take a shower after we eat…”

“I’m glad I listen to you.” Carmilla kissed Laura’s cheek and a loud smack came out of it.

“Sometimes.” _She’s not wrong,_ Laura thought.

Carmilla took Laura’s hand in hers and led the way up the stairs. She knew every inch of that place by heart, in the dark or not. She knew she had to move a centimeter when she got to the top of the stairs because there was a loose wood from the floor and she always used to hit her little toe on it. She used to run up the steps every time her aunt left her home alone at night, scared that the monsters and the weird shadows her brain created would get her. Somewhere, deep down in her brain, she was still a little bit scared that something would get her. Maybe it was the reflection of the pain, or of her own demons. But now, holding Laura’s hand, she could feel all of it going away.

They lit up a single candle, three hours earlier.

A single candle was set on the desk, its light doing the bare minimum to light up the place. Carmilla’s bedroom wasn’t that big so it didn’t need much lightning anyway, and the low light coming from the full moon and the stars outside were helping.

Not that it was the reason, but the single bed was much more comfortable for two if one of them was in each other’s arms. Just like Laura was. Carmilla had laid down, her head on the headboard and Laura’s head resting on her chest while Carmilla’s fingers ran through Laura’s hair. The rain seemed to be lighter now but it was still a lot and, for what it seemed, the lights wouldn’t be back any time soon.

“How are you feeling?” Carmilla asked in a whisper. She felt Laura moving a little bit under her touch. Maybe it was discomfort with the question or maybe it was her back hurting. She really hoped it was the second one.

“I’m okay, Carm. Why?” She looked up at Carmilla and the dark-haired girl could see the frown.

“Just asking,” she gave her a half smile. “After what happened with your dad and that talk we had… I just wanted to check.”

“I’m truly okay. You know I can’t disguise these things. You would know if I wasn’t.” That was true. “Actually, I wanted to ask you something. Can I?”

“Of course, cutie. Shoot.”

“I saw some writing on the wall, right there.” Laura pointed to the spot next to the headboard with the words written on it. _Pain. Away. Mean. Useless. Run. Hit. Fault. Don’t Belong._ “Why? If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

Carmilla took a deep breath and smiled weakly. “You’ve shared your entire life with me so far. It’s only fair I do the same.”

“If you don’t want to, it’s fine.”

“I do. I was actually going to tell you later. It’s one of the reasons why I brought you here, too.” Carmilla started and Laura looked at her like a child waiting to hear the end of a bedtime story.

They were about to hit a very specific wound that Carmilla never dared to touch.

“When I was seven my mom and my dad started to fight. A lot. I used to sneak out of my room and run to Perry’s house, that was right down the street, alone at night. Back then, I didn’t understand the fights because I was too little, but as I grew up it got worse. My mom always made sure that I was safe and away from him. She always made sure to lock my bedroom and slid the key under the door for me so he couldn’t get to me when he got aggressive.”

Carmilla was fighting the tears so bad and she had no idea what was the point. Maybe it was the thought of her mother and the thought of her dad, all combined.

“When I was nine she sent me to live with my aunt, in this house. I really didn’t want to leave my mom there, but she told me she’d be here soon and I believed her. The day never came. She used to call me once a week to know how I was doing, but she wouldn’t appear. When my cousins built that treehouse for me it really was my safe haven. I got sad, I climbed up there and I would spend hours counting stars to distract myself from the fact that my mom never showed up for me.”

“Do you know why?” Laura asked in a whisper, her fingers tracing unknown patterns on Carmilla’s torso.

“So my father wouldn’t follow her and find me. My aunt told me this after she passed away. My last words from her were ‘ _I love you. I’ll see you on Saturday_ ’ and that was it.”

“Carm, I’m so sorry.” And she was. She was sorry she had to go through that. She was sorry she had to deal with all of that on her own.

“It was bad, at the time. These words I wrote here were the words I constantly heard that were related to my name. Their fights were all about me and those words were always connected to the fights and to me, too. When I heard she passed away, I couldn’t let go of the feeling that it was all that I was, all that I had been to her and to my father. I was pain, I was fault, I was useless.” Carmilla quoted the words written right next to her head, her eyes shut to keep the tears as they were – unshed. “That’s when I started to have panic attacks in the middle of the night. I used to had dreams where they were fighting and those words were flying out of their mouths and at me. That’s why I wrote them on the wall, here. So I knew they were just words.”

Laura felt her heart inside her chest ache and she felt bad for feeling like this about her relationship with her father after everything Carmilla had to go through with hers.

“That’s why you’re the great writer that you are today. Your words have this power. A good one. I don’t know how to explain, but they do. Even if they’re just words. Your words heal, Carm, even if they meant pain for you for such a long time. I mean it. They healed me and they probably couldn’t heal you because they were the thing hurting you inside, but know that your words are nothing like those. You are not those words written there. You are love. You are freedom. You are peace. You are good and you are enough. You belong, Carm. With me. You are mine. My love, my peace, my freedom.”

Carmilla stared at Laura, even if they were under dim lights and if the stars weren’t shining as brightly anymore, and wondered how she did it. How she managed to say the right words at the right time and how she managed to find the perfect words that wouldn’t leave double meanings or doubts about what she meant. Carmilla wondered how Laura understood every tiny bit of that messed up brain of hers even if Carmilla herself didn’t sometimes.

Maybe their thing was deeper. Maybe the connection they had, the feelings they shared wasn’t anything near shallow. Carmilla wasn’t one to believe in past lives or anything like that, but it couldn’t be a coincidence. If so or not, she was so overwhelmed that she had Laura and she wanted to thank the stars or whoever, whatever, was up there that made them cross paths.

“I love you, Laur.” Carmilla whispered before she pecked Laura’s lips gently. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for sharing, Carm. I love you.”

They stood in complete silence for quite some time. The lights were still off, the candle had melted completely now and there was just a small flame lighting up the room. Laura’s slowly breathing as she dove into heavy sleep was the only sound in the room, until Carmilla grabbed the notepad from the nightstand. The notepad she was writing her book on. The book she couldn’t wrap her head around to finish because something, or a bigger force, was stopping her from it because she felt she needed to close a chapter.

Maybe this was the chapter. Maybe this was the end of the chapter. Having Laura to tell her that was the ending of a chapter that lasted years. Those words were still keeping Carmilla from moving forward, whether if it meant relating them to herself or if that was what she meant to her mom, to Ell, to Laura.

Laura.

She told her she was the opposite of all that. She, with all her heart and sincerity, convinced Carmilla that the thing she believed all those years wasn’t true. She wasn’t pain. She wasn’t someone to run away from, even when she was. Laura made her believe that when no one ever could.  

Carmilla started to have a brainstorm of words. Random words she needed to put on paper. She looked for the pencil she kept inside the notepad on the nightstand and, when her fingers touched the round wooden piece, she danced the sharp pointy end on the paper as the flashbacks of that night, when Laura was still in New York and Carmilla spent the night in the treehouse counting the stars and hoping Laura was too, went through her head.

**_it’s 4am. 4. 4._ **   
**_she’s not here with me_ **   
**_see the moon, the stars_ **   
**_are shining so bright_ **   
**_but nothing compares to her eyes_ **   
**_and if I dont have her,_ **   
**_who’s the owner of my most beautiful words_ **   
**_how am I going to write about anything now?_ **

**_damn it,_ **   
**_she’s not here_ **   
**_and I’m all alone_ **   
**_I turn to the other— warm side of the bed_ **   
**_and see her there,_ **   
**_sleeping and hand in mine_ **   
**_sighs!_ **

**_hand in mine_ **   
**_legs in mine._ **   
**_mine._ **   
**_mine_ **   
**_thank god she is_ **   
**_mine_ **   
**_so I can write about her_ **   
**_at 4am_ **   
**_with her_ **   
**_right here_ **   
**_with me_ **   
**_by my side_ **

Carmilla put the pencil down and looked down at Laura, sleeping peacefully on top of her. How her legs were intertwined in Carmilla’s and how her hand had a tight grip on the dark-haired girl’s waist. Carmilla wasn’t a girl of poems, but she found beauty in all of them. She wrote a poem for Laura. About Laura. She didn’t know she could, but she did.

But her brain wasn’t satisfied.

She ripped the page off, folded it and placed it at the end of the notepad. She saw the last time she wrote something for the book as she flipped the pages back and smiled. That was it. She looked over at her phone. Low battery, 4:12 A.M.

A notepad, a pencil, Laura. She didn’t need more.

Two hours later, Laura was still snuggled up to Carmilla’s side. Carmilla  watched the sunrise as she wrote the last words of her book – Laura’s. That book was for her, about her. The only person who could show her that she was more and that it was really worth it. Life was worthy. _She_ was worthy. She couldn’t wait until Laura was up, but the book was still a surprise. She deserved to be happy. Laura, Carmilla meant. Laura deserved it all and she knew a book was no way to thank someone for changing her life, but she really didn’t know how else to do it besides words. Laura knew that, too. She knew that deep down Laura knew that.

Carmilla knew she was all about the words.

Laura also knew that. Laura taught Carmilla how to see her beautiful words and all its colors, dancing in the air. They didn’t need to be all gray anymore.

With that thought, she put the notepad down and, without moving a muscle, watched Laura sleep until her eyes couldn’t take it anymore.


	18. All I Really Know, You're Where I Wanna Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla has some exciting news, but she's not the only one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people! Long time no see, huh? I'm so sorry. It just feels weird when I realize the story is coming to an and and I don't want it to end!! But I'll stop being selfish and keeping it all just to myself, I promise! haha  
> (I haven't answered you all yet and I'll get to it just be patient pleeease and thank you all for the amazing feedback! <3)

The feeling of holding your brand-new printed book, the smell of fresh paint on the pages as you swipe them all to hover the words you spent months writing and changing and always coming back to the original ones, was one Carmilla could never get used to, it being her first or fifth book.

If she was being honest, she did not even want to publish the second book. It was way too personal, way to _in the present._ She made no efforts to try to hide or disguise Laura’s presence and importance in the book and anyone could see that from even the farther of the distances. It was too raw and too vulnerable. She was okay being vulnerable to Laura sometimes, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be _that_ vulnerable to the public. The public didn’t know it was her, though. For them, they were just characters that Carmilla created, but she knew better. She knew that there wasn’t a single made up thing in them. They were real people who left real wounds on Carmilla, wounds she wasn’t sure if would ever heal. But, eventually, they did. They healed, but the scars still hurt. Constantly hurting, like that bone you broke when you were five, that never quite really healed properly, in a cold winter’s night. Those scars were always there and always hurting.

Until Laura loved them all away.

Laura, the girl who Carmilla caught a glimpse of as she stood outside the publisher’s place, speaking on the phone as she waited for Carmilla. Laura, the girl who had no idea that she was the whole reason why Carmilla felt like writing again and how much she changed her life after she came into it. Laura, the girl who went with Carmilla to the publisher and kept asking a hundred questions about what they were going to do there or even where they were headed to, even if Carmilla didn’t tell her a single thing.

Laura Hollis, the one Carmilla loved so deeply she thought it would drive her crazy.

“Carmilla?” Natalie’s voice, her editor, echoed and took her out of a trance she didn’t know she was in until she remembered where she was. “Are you okay there?”

“Yeah, I’m just fine.” Carmilla smiled. She looked down at the cardboard box on the table filled with dozens and dozens of copies of her book. “Just that _I-just-published-a-book_ feeling.”

“That one never goes away, does it?” Carmilla shook her head no, still with that amused smile on her face. “So, how soon do you want to start doing press? I would say the sooner the better, but since it is a sequel, it’s really up to you. You have a lot of readers and they have been asking about it. Keeping a secret that there would even be a sequel was kind of a smart move, kind of a stupid one too.” Both of them chuckled and Carmilla, particularly, agreed.  

“Maybe next week? Do we have enough printed versions for next week?” Carmilla asked and Natalie nodded. “Press can start next week too, then. We release on Monday and we start press on Wednesday, for example. I don’t know, Nat, I’m not good with administration stuff.”

“That’s more of a marketing stuff, but I get it. I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you dates and places.” Carmilla picked up the heavy box and looked over it at Natalie, who grabbed a notepad and wrote some reminder on it. “Do you need help carrying that out?”

“I’m good, thanks. Laura is outside and also is my best friend’s car.”

“Okay, then. Tell her I said hi.”

“Will do.”

Thirty seconds later Carmilla walked out of there and met Laura’s beautiful smile outside. The hazel-haired girl looked confused for a solid second when she spotted the huge box Carmilla was carrying as the dark-haired girl past her to put the box in the trunk of the car.

“What is this? I thought your book had sold out.”

“It did.” Carmilla answered, opening the lid and taking one of the books. “It’s the second one.”

Laura’s eyes shot up from the book in Carmilla’s hands to her face, her half-smile growing on her face and her eyes shining in a way she had never seen before.

“When did you finish it? I remember when you started writing it and it wasn’t that long ago.”

“Last weekend when we were at the house. It was four in the morning, you were sleeping.”

Laura took the book in her own hands. It all seemed too surreal. A year and a half ago it was her own excitement taking over as she finished the book, crying and yelling at four winds how much she hated whoever broke her heart – _her_ heart, now. It amazed her how much your life can change in such a short period and yet it felt like an eternity ago.

At some point between Carmilla carrying that box and the moment she was holding that book in her hands, she started wondering about it all. She thought these things could only happen in movies because there was no way someone as amazing and as smart as Carmilla, who happened to be her favorite author, would ever like her back. Was it even _common?_ Or _normal_? _Even maybe right?_

“Do you ever think it was wrong?” Laura blurted it out. Carmilla’s expression changed completely in a blink of an eye. Her smile quickly faded away and that frown between her eyebrows that always appeared when she was worried was back. “Like, abuse of power or something.”

“What was?” Carmilla asked.

“Us. I was a fan first and, I don’t know. These things don’t happen in real life, only in Shakespeare’s world. Or every Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston movie.” Laura rambled in one breath.

“Never. Not even once. I’m not one to believe in love at first sight, but I’m pretty sure I what I felt when I laid eyes on you, waiting in that corner when you first interviewed me, had something to do with what I feel for you today. The fact that you liked my book before didn’t interfere and no, it’s not _abuse of power._ ” Carmilla mocked, tapping the tip of Laura’s nose with her fingertip. “Mainly because I’m not famous or anything for me to have any kind of power for you to abuse of.”

“Is it weird if I tell you I can’t wait to read this?” Laura said bouncing on her feet in excitement. Her eyes hovered on the title again and she smiled. “I love the title.”

Carmilla looked at Laura, how happy she seemed to be holding the book in her hands. She could practically see how her fingers were longing to rip that plastic off and start the first pages right there, inside the car on their way back _. If only she knew the book was completely about and for her,_ Carmilla thought. But, until the first press, she wouldn’t tell Laura it was about her. She was a smart girl, she would figure it out at some point, but the words wouldn’t come out from Carmilla’s mouth. At least not now.

“Yeah, me too.” Carmilla smiled and, involuntarily, Laura did too. “You can have that one if you want to.”

“Can you sign it?” The childish smile on Laura’s face of someone who just got what they wanted for Christmas was stubbornly still on her lips and Carmilla didn’t think she could be more in love with that girl.

_I can write you an entire book, baby. Like the one you’re holding in your hands, right now._

“Sure, creampuff.” Carmilla closed the trunk and walked towards the driver’s door, walking into the car as she watched, over the roof of the car, Laura doing the same, her eyes still on the book. “Just don’t read it yet, okay? The official release is next week and I know you can’t keep it in.”

“That’s unfair.” Laura pouted as she sat, legs crossed, and buckled the seatbelt.

“You don’t get special treatment just because you’re my girlfriend.” Carmilla turned the key and the motor sound echoed. Review mirror, first gear, accelerate.

Laura’s stomach churned inside her. It didn’t matter if they were together for six weeks, months or years. Hearing those words coming out of Carmilla’s mouth and no pain attached to them whatsoever was a feeling she thought she could never get used to.

“I will never get used to hearing that.”

“And I will never get used to saying that. But it feels so good every damn time.”

* * *

After they had lunch and stole kisses from each other, Laura was back to work and Carmilla was standing at that door, wondering if it was a good idea to be there. Her hands were sweaty and she was so glad that the book was covered in plastic, otherwise it’d be ruined by now. Maybe she should go. Maybe this was a really bad idea after all. She had been standing there for fifteen minutes already and if she hadn’t done it by now, she wouldn’t do it.

It was stupid. How had she ended up being there anyway? Laura wasn’t even with her, and considering all the things that happened between them she didn’t even have the right to be there. It was pure instinct. Deep down, she hoped she would see a smile.

It was stupid and she should leave.

That was before the door swung open before her eyes.

“Hi, Carmilla. I saw you standing there through the window. Isn’t the doorbell working?”

Carmilla swallow the dryness in her throat before she had the guts to say anything aloud.

“Hi, Mr. Hollis. I didn’t ring it, so I wouldn’t know. I was just… Uh… Well… I hope I’m not bothering you. Is it a bad time?”

 _Of course it is_ , she thought.

“Why don’t you come in?” He invited her and opened up some space for her to walk into the living room. She hesitated for a second but took a step closer when he gesture towards the living room. “And, please, Sherman. I think we’re past the formality line here. So, what brings you here? Is Laura okay?”

“Yeah, she is just fine. She’s at work.” She explained and watched his expression relax and the frown disappear. “I just wanted… Well, okay. So, you know I’m a writer, right?”

The fear in Carmilla’s eyes were cutting sharper than a knife and she couldn’t hide it. She didn’t know how. That was scary and it was even worse not having Laura there with her. She fought the urge to just run away and pretend the last five minutes never happened, but a half-smile started to grow on his face and the light nod made Carmilla’s racing heartbeat slow down a little bit.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Well, I… I wrote another book and it’s going to be officially released next week, in a press conference.” She blurted it out all in one breath and in stuttered words.

“That’s great! And when can we get a hold of a copy?”

If her widened eyes were of any indication, Carmilla was really caught off guard with that question. She didn’t think he would want to read it, the possibility wasn’t even in her wildest dreams. She brought a copy just for clearance of consciousness.

“Well, I brought one for you.” She held the book up to him, which he quickly and happily took. “We don’t know dates and times yet, but this one is really special to me.”

“I like the title,” he mentioned, immediately bringing Carmilla back to the moment she heard those exact words coming out of Laura’s mouth. “ _The Scars She Loved Away._ ” He read aloud.

“This one is the second installment, though.”

“And what is the name of the first one? I need to start from the beginning.” He smiled gently at her and she felt her cheeks burning. This was terrifying.

“It’s called _The Scars She Gave Me,_ by, you know, Carmilla Karnstein. But I can give you a copy if you want.” She offered and he nodded. “But the thing I wanted to tell you is that this book, the one you’re holding, is very important to me and there are parts and feelings there that were completely mine, nothing made up at all. I might be stating the obvious, but sometimes it’s really difficult for us to put ourselves in our characters. Sometimes the feelings are just way too hard to be felt by someone else.”

“It’s about Laura, right?” He asked as he read the synopsis on the back cover. “Whoever it was gave you some scars in the past. You met Laura and she loved them away.” His stare never left the book. His index finger followed the letters as if he was feeling them, like a blind person just learning how to use their tact to understand letters and words. “Am I right?”

“On the spot.” Carmilla smiled as she felt the warmth on her cheeks. “So I wanted to invite you to the press, as my guest. They really only allow journalists in this first one and, you know, Laura already had a free pass just because of this and also because she carries the _New York Times_ ’s name under hers _._ But I really, really would like if you could attend.”

“It will be a pleasure, Carmilla.” He rested his hand on her shoulder and gently rubbed his thumb against her cold skin in a fond gesture. “You know, I’m glad Laura met you. You’re a good kid and you take care of her. Thank you. For doing that.”

“I love your daughter, sir. Sherman.” Carmilla corrected herself when his reprehensive eyes locked hers and she thought she would actually pass out because saying this aloud to someone else, and specially her father, was something she never thought she would do. “I just want her to be happy.”

“She is, with you. I can see in her eyes.” He smiled shyly. “The way she looks at you is the same way her mother used to look at me. I know she’s happy. And, if she is so am I.”

All Carmilla could do was shake her head awkwardly and stare at her bouncing, anxious feet on the ground. Deep down she was happy that he was taking this so lightly, but on the outside she was a nervous wreck. She was pretty sure it showed, too.

“Thank you for the invitation. Just let me know when and where and I’ll be there.”

“Will do. And thank you for the support. It means a lot. For both me and Laur.” Carmilla smiled at him and, when he smiled back, she found her cue. “So, I have to hit the road because I need to give my best friend her car back. Thank you so much for your time.”

“Anytime, kid.” He opened the door again and Carmilla quickly crossed it until she hit the front porch steps. “Don’t forget to send me that first book.”

With a nod, Carmilla tripped over her own feet as she tried to walk down the steps on his front porch, trying to get the car keys as fast as she could.

* * *

The corner of Laura’s fingers bled due to excessively picking and the pain or the blood on them wasn’t even an issue right now. Her bouncing legs hanging from the bed were bothering her but she couldn’t make them stop. It was as if no neuron she had could not make her muscles stop voluntarily, but they were still moving uncontrollably.

She needed that. Not only for herself, but for Carmilla too. Not that she wasn’t putting herself as a priority on the equation, she was. The only reason she was doing that was that she couldn’t deal with living _with herself_ like that. It was physically and mentally exhausting. She was only able to deal with that without having any major breakdowns because of Carmilla. The dark-haired girl was always supporting her, taking care of her.

_But what if she leaves? What if I don’t have her anymore? It’s not fair to make her go through this. It’s not her issue, it’s mine and mine only._

She didn’t want to do this alone. She felt like she needed at least to _feel_ Carmilla’s presence in order to do anything that left her like that – that anxious mess that she didn’t know how to control. But she needed to do it alone. She couldn’t depend on her for everything.

With a rush of courage, she took a deep breath and typed the numbers on her phone as they were printed on that card. The dial sound coming from the speakers were almost like torture and it, somehow, got worse when they picked up the phone. Her chin was trembling and she kept her eyes shut in order not to cry. She wished she knew how to stop this. While the dialing sound didn’t stop, Laura looked around and tried to spot five, ten things in order to try and control herself. She tried breathing. She tried drawing on a piece of paper. She ended the call.

Laura couldn’t do it. It was too much for her and she felt bad that she had gotten to this. It was never this difficult to make a phone call. Not that she had noticed before.

But now that she stopped to think about it, it was always there somehow.

How she observed her surroundings before she stood up and went to the counter to ask for more sauce because she couldn’t handle the thought of raising her voice to call the waitress.

How her legs were constantly bouncing up and down, and that she didn’t even notice, only because someone asked her to stop or touched her leg in order to try to stop it in place.

How she overthought every little thing she said for days and how many hours of sleep she lost over it, even though it wasn’t that big of a deal.

How she, sometimes, got so nervous and overwhelmed with the thought of something she said coming out the wrong way that she created scenarios in her head where everything went terribly wrong and how she started to have palpitations over it. _My brain is just way too creative,_ she thought. _Maybe it’s just my journalist self showing up,_ she tried to explain it.

How everything seemed to be scarier at night – let it be the path she had to take to go to a new place, or even a very familiar one, or something she had to get from the bank or the post office. Everything seemed harder and harder at night, right before she went to bed.

How she always woke up in the middle of the night and, in a jaw movement, felt _the_ _pressure_ on her teeth. She didn’t even notice that she was biting down while she slept, but it was there.

Or, how her heart raced inside her chest out of nowhere and for completely no reason.

Don’t even get her started on the mood swings. She always thought her constant mood change was the reason she had few friends. Not everyone was capable of dealing with that and, if Laura was being completely honest, she knew it wasn’t their fault. It was hard to deal with someone like her, so _unstable._

Her cell phone rang on the bed and her heart raced, just with the photo that popped up on her screen.

“Hi, Carm.”

“ _Hey, Laur. Is everything okay?_ ”

“Yeah,” she lied. “You?”

“ _I’m okay_.” On the other side of the line, Carmilla smiled. Laura could almost feel her smile through the phone. _“Perry is out with LaF and Danny somewhere, didn’t even have the face to invite me and I have to be at McLaren’s in two hours and I haven’t even updated my playlist yet. I just want to lie in bed and stay here forever. My bed is way too big, by the way. Was it always this big?”_

“I’m pretty sure it was, Carm. You’re rambling. You don’t ramble. Is there something you want to tell me?” Laura asked, as she laid more comfortably on the bed. Suddenly all of those bad feelings went away and she felt that tightness in her chest, the one she always got whenever she was with Carmilla.

“ _I just wanted to hear your voice, that’s all. I missed you today_.”

“We haven’t seen each other in four hours, Carm. It’s barely past seven.”

“ _And couldn’t I miss you in those four hours? Because I did._ ”

“And you want to fight me when I tell you you’re the softest.” Laura mocked and the gasp she heard coming from Carmilla’s mouth was totally worth the tease.

“ _Don’t you even dare, Hollis._ ” Carmilla tried to sound stubborn and tried to maintain her reputation, but deep down she knew she was too head over heels for Laura to fight her on that.

“Whatever floats your boat, _buttercup._ ”

“ _See? Buttercup was the toughest of all three Powerpuff Girls_. _Now you’re just siding with me on this._ ”

“The fact that you even watched Powerpuff Girls to know who Buttercup is impresses me.”

“ _Oh, come on. I’m allowed to have a childhood_!” Carmilla contested and Laura let out a laugh.

“I’m not saying you’re not!” Laura said, her voice going slightly higher as she did. A beeping, repetitive sound echoed in the middle of Carmilla’s lack of response, making Laura take a quick look at her screen. “Carm, are you busy? Will is calling me. I promise it will be quick.”

“I will be here when you’re finished with the call.”

As Laura put Carmilla’s call on hold, Will’s call disappeared from the screen, only to appear again in video call form. When she hit the green button, his face and Brandon’s popped up on the screen.

“I haven’t seen those pretty faces in a while.” Laura said excitedly as they both waved her hello.

“ _You say as if you call us every week on a schedule_.”

Laura noticed how Will’s beard had grown and how Brandon had shaved his and gotten a new haircut. They both looked skinnier and the nice weather was definitely doing something to their skin. Laura noticed the headboard of Will’s bed behind them, and probably what was the TV lights reflecting on it.

“If only I had enough time on my schedule to do that.” Laura complained and it wasn’t completely true, but not a total lie either. Her job did demand a lot of her time and, when she wasn’t working, she’d rather spent those hours with Carmilla. “How’s life and the big city?”

“ _Well, you know, it could be better if there wasn’t a person missing_.” Brandon teased, but Laura didn’t get the joke. Instead, she widened her eyes and a real concerned look appeared on her face.

“What? Who’s missing? Do I know them? Have you guys contacted the police? Is this why you’re calling me this late?”

“ _Laura, calm down. Jesus. You. You’re the one missing._ ” Will giggled and it took Laura’s concern away. She took a deep breath and allowed herself to chuckle at it too. “ _Because we miss you._ ”

“Oh!” Laura exclaimed. “I miss you guys too! I wish I had the time to go and visit.”

“Well, you better because we need you here in three months.”

“Three? But why—“

Laura was cut off when both of them raised their hands, together, showing the matching rings they had on their ring fingers. It took her a while to realize what was going on until she noticed they had traded the silver rings for gold ones.

“Wait, what?!” Laura squealed and the biggest smile grew on her face. “You got _engaged_?”

“ _And we want you to be our groomswoman, groomsmaid, best woman, whatever. You and Carmilla. I mean, if you’re okay with that.”_

“Are you kidding me?! Of course! I’m so happy for you, guys. Congratulations!” Laura was way too excited and she couldn’t be happier for them. She could see how happy they were and, deep down, she wished she could be the one asking them to be at their wedding too. _Their_ wedding. “Do you have a theme? Dress color? Arrangement? Tell me everything.”

“ _We will send you an e-mail with the details because if we go over them all here we’ll be on a four hour call. But so far we want you guys to pick whatever color you want. And you don’t need to wear a dress if you don’t want to_.”

“Well, I’m wearing a dress, I’m not losing my chance to be a princess for a day. Carm, on the other hand, might want something that doesn’t involve spanks and high heels.”

“ _Totally fine_ ,” Brandon smiled. “ _We thought she might_.”

“But when did it happen?” Laura asked, referring to the proposal.

“ _Last week, on our two year anniversary. There were balloons and all that. It was really cute. And then, later, we really enjoyed—_ “

“Okay,” Laura stopped them, signaling it with her hand too. “No need to enter details on that one. I really wished I were there! Not like, _during_ the proposal, but at least with you guys.”

“ _Our battery is dying_ ,” Brandon whispered to Will before he disappeared from the screen. “ _We do too, Laur. But we’re glad you accepted our proposal_.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Will.” Laura smiled and watched him smile right back at her.

“ _Will, where’s our charger?_ ” Brandon scream echoed muffled from somewhere inside the room, and Laura watched Will’s attention shift to everything else but her. “ _I don’t know! It was in the kitchen_.” He said back to him before he turned his face to Laura again. “ _So, we’re running out of battery and apparently I lost my charger so we will talk later, okay? Check your e-mails. But maybe tomorrow, when I have battery again_.”

“Or maybe forward it to me from your laptop?”

“ _Oh, right! Yes, I’m going to do that. So, yeah. Thank you, Laur. We really miss you! See you, literally, in three months!_ ”

“I love you guys!” Laura said in response as she watched Will yell _“just find the damn charger, Brandon!”_ before the video call ended and Carmilla’s screen appeared again.

Laura hit the green button, right under Carmilla’s name, and the counting numbers on the call started to move again.

“Carm?”

“Yes, I’m here. Just trying to organize some new songs for the playlist. Any ideas?”

“Maybe that one we were singing in the car today.”

“ _Are you really suggesting me to sing ‘All the Good Girls Go to Hell’, by Billie Eilish, the crying-blue-tears girl, in a family friendly bar?_ ”

“It’s a good song! It’s worth a shot!”

“ _I’m going to leave that one for the pubs_.” Carmilla answered and Laura heard some pages flipping in the background. “ _So, long talk you had with Will guy_.”

“Yeah, actually, I have some news. I mean, Will has some news. I mean, not only Will, but yeah. They got engaged.”

“ _What? Brandon and Will? That’s amazing!_ ”

“Yeah, and also I need you to clear your schedule because we’re going there in three months. They asked us to be their best woman, or groomsmaid or whatever. I said yes. For both of us.”

“ _I mean, did I ever had a choice?_ ” Carmilla teased playfully. She loved Will and he really took care of Laura when she was living there. He was a really nice guy and Carmilla wished nothing but the best to them, even if they never met in person.

“Nope,” Laura said.

“ _And how do you feel coming back there?_ ”

Carmilla’s question really caught Laura off guard and suddenly her head was going a thousand miles per hour. She didn’t really think about it when they called her, but now that it was pointed out, she was a little scared to come back. New York is a great place, but it holds back some real bad memories from a real dark time in Laura’s life. It holds a kind of pain that Laura never wants to experience again, nor she wants Carmilla to have a taste. Ever.

“Now that you said it, I’m scared. I don’t want to feel all of that again and it’s kind of impossible to not feel it once I’m there.”

“ _I promise you, you won’t. And if you do, I will be right by your side to remind you that this time you’re not alone, and that I’m always there for you and with you. Do you want to talk about it?_ ” Carmilla sounded concerned, even though she tried to not let it show.

“It’s fine. Actually, I called to schedule an appointment with a therapist today.” Laura blurted out, but shame immediately hit her when she remembered she wasn’t able to even complete the call.

“ _Laur, that’s great! When is it?_ ”

“I… I didn’t do it. I couldn’t. I was too nervous and I felt like I was going to pass out. I’m sorry.” She whispered the last part and Carmilla’s heart broke in three hundred parts. She cursed at herself for not being there for her.

“ _Hey, Laur, it’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you. But, you did it. You got the phone and you called. Baby steps, remember?_ ”

“It’s okay, Carm. It’s not your battle. And I need to do things by myself. I feel like I’m relying a lot on you and I’m making you fight battles that aren’t yours and I shouldn’t do it.”

“ _I understand where you’re coming from, but I also have to say that this is our battle, Laura. You’re not going through this alone. You’ve done a lot of that enough. If you need me, I’m here. If you need space from me, I’m out of here. Just say the word._ ” Carmilla said and Laura chuckled. She hated how she could make her laugh in these situations, but she also _loved_ that she was able to make her laugh in these situations. She was the perfect balance she always needed, but never knew she did. “ _Maybe tomorrow you will do it. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Maybe next week. It really doesn’t matter. At least you’re trying and I’m so proud of you._ ”

_I’m so proud of you._

_I’m so proud of you._

“I love you, Carm.” She said, smiling to the phone as if Carmilla could see it. Carmilla felt it.

“ _I love you too, Cupcake. Baby steps_.”

“Baby steps.”

An hour later, they hung up so Carmilla could get ready and Laura was left alone with her own thoughts. Thoughts that were completely on New York and all those feelings and moments she lived there came to haunt Laura once again. She didn’t want to feel them. She just wanted them to go away and not to make her feel like this again.

But, she was coming back to New York with Carmilla and that was it.

The thought was scary but she needed to handle it.

So, she took a shower and picked whatever outfit she found in her wardrobe and went, in surprise, to see Carmilla play and just enjoy these moments, where she felt genuinely happy, and she didn’t even worry if she had work the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed and see you guys soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I (hopefully!) will see you later!


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